Chapter 5 - Jesus OR how to aggro one’s duvet
1552 Words
I have a little problem (yes again). Yesterday, after many painful hours digging around, I arrived in the village of departure, which happens to be the same village I arrived at and went to bed in the shabby inn I spotted earlier, the date of return of my illegal "holidays" being the following day.
Everything so far was fine, except that in the morning, when I woke up, I had some difficulties getting up… Being first and foremost an RP player, I'll formulate in a simple and precise way:
I aggroed my duvet and I did a critical failure at my dodging roll!
So the problem today is that I missed my trai… err no, my boat. I'm therefore stuck in the middle of nowhere, in the Empire, alone with the manager of a shabby inn that actually fishes to survive (the business is a bit stale around there, can’t be helped), while being a criminal sought for in all the Empire, as much by the imperial army than by the heroes…
So I have to find a way to resolve my various problems. And it is the problem…
It’s technically true that magic can solve anything, but my only magic affinity is plant and it doesn’t have a lot of use. On top of that, even if I could do something, this can barely be considered an affinity considering it is lower than 1%...
I could float, but I don't have any affinity with water…
I could fly, but I don't have any affinity with air…
I could levitate, but my body doesn't have any aura…
I could move so fast that I don't sink, but I don't have any affinity with electricity…
I could harden or modify the texture of water, but I can't use any mud, nor rock, nor lava magic…
I could even do a plane if I had materials, but actually, having to create all the materials and light the engine myself, I don't have any affinity to metal, to glass, nor to fire or to explosion.
With my affinity to the plant element, I could do a boat, but it's not strong enough to do such a complex task as growing a tree, I can only do small tasks. A human-sized task, though possible, would be hard on me, and ideally, it should be of a size equaling that of grass or algae or something. Even if I have an almost infinite quantity of mana with my items, my problem is my control, I don't think I ca…
And here is my idea!
Seaweed!
I just have to grow seaweed with enough air inside to float while supporting my weight, and do a path with it!
Excited, I hurry to search for an artifact, in the ones I stole to the heroes' guild, that could allow me to hold on without sleep, without food, and without water for the few months of the journey. And adventure, here I come!
I directly apply my idea and start to run on a thin layer of seaweed that is growing and decomposing while following my steps!
After some minutes, I stop running to walk, exhausted.
It is at that moment that I become aware that the manager of the tavern is fishing, not far, and just turned his head in my direction and is watching me with wide eyes.
I shout:
-I never said it to you? My name is Moar, but you can call me Jesus if you want!
-…
-Oh, and also, I split the bread, I see the future and my mother was pregnant while she was still a virgin!
-…
-Bye bye!
I wave a hand while running to leave.
It's quite fun. It's like an easter egg I could leave to whoever transmigrates in the future!
I run a few seconds before stopping running brutally:
-I gave him my name, didn't I?
-Yes.
I answer to myself.
-I gave him my REAL name, didn't I?
-Yes.
-So it means that the Empire will know that Moar, the best theoretician, and inventor of Nyggloth, was there?
-Yes.
-So it means that the fact I came is not a secret anymore?
-Yes.
-So there are 100% chances that they'll guess it was me in the city, think the destruction of the city was intentional, take it as a war declaration, and resume the war with Nyggloth?
-Yes, yes, and yes.
-Ha ha ha! I always wanted to trigger a war! After my duvet, I finished by aggro the Empire! Ha ha ha!
-Who aggroes an inch aggroes a mile!
-Ha ha ha!
I laugh while leaving again in the direction of Nyggloth.
[…]
I don't know how much time I walked, and on the journey, I had some problems (like waves higher than a tsunami and gigantic sea creatures) but I arrived intact.
Finally the ground! I'm walking on the ground! Not feeble seaweeds!
-YESSSSSS!!!!!!
I roar, all happy. I take mass transit to go back to my home, all happy, to be able to enjoy technology, security, and dry land again. And soon I'll meet my family again! I think while whistling.
[…]
I arrive in front of my place, but the only thing I see is:
-Academy of magic theory? What is this s**t??? What the f**k???
I decided to go ask Merlin some updates, about what happened exactly while I was away.
[…]
I arrive before a very SF-oriented villa-palace, and I see a silent crowd holding banners, and in front, Merlin who is giving a speech, with militaries in attention left and right… I don't really see what's written on the banners, but I know what it is: national funeral!
I approach, and read one of the banners:
-Peace to Moar, the best of us.
Wuuuttttt????????????? WTF is happening here? Is it my funeral??? At that moment, Merlin starts his speech, and everyone sits, but me, as I stay upright like an i***t.
-Moar was a great theoretician despite his young age, he had great talent, he is the creator of a lot of the theories that compose the new magic movement: the optimization! But he is also the creator of an improvement of our system allowing the combination of technology of Beings and Nygglotian magic! He also died on a heroic mission for his country, a mission he insisted to do himself! This is why today, his funerals are national, those we give to heroes of their country, because…
I don’t remember willingly reaching out to do the mission myself, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that during all of the speech, he was sweeping the crowd with his look, and just now, his look stopped on me.
Seeing that he is looking somewhere behind it, with his mouth wide open like an i***t, without uttering a word, the crowd’s attention quickly switches its attention to me… A few seconds of awkward silence later, there was an uproar:
-Hey, he's Moar, isn't he?
-You mean, the one who's dead?
-Yes, I saw him in a magazine!
-No, he can't be alive, right?
-It's not his ghost, is it?
-What do you think, does he look like he's a ghost?
-It's true, he seems alive.
And here is the exact moment I know why I love Nyggloth: for the fame!
-But then, does it mean he's not dead?
With this thought crossing everyone's mind, the crowd switches its attention abruptly to Merlin, who doesn't really seem to know what to say and is watching me with an 'I don't understand anything about what’s happening right now' look.
Some might think that it's natural that everyone thought that I was dead, as I scheduled my funeral if I didn't come back, but the truth is that I had a little electronic device that checks my vitals signals and sends them to Merlin, by the equivalent of wave-based communication like Bluetooth or WiFi, but with a maximum range of more than 10,000km.
I close my eyes, scan magically my body and my ring, and find the reason: one of the artifacts I picked up from the treasury stops all systems of surveillance and spying to detect anything at all around the user…
I take it out of the ring and place it in my open hand. I know that Merlin is an extraordinary mage and that he should be able to easily notice details such as this.
Indeed, he nods slightly his head and explains to the crowd as to the entire nation through TV, the radio, and the other means of live diffusion, that I was caught while in mission and thought as dead, but that I managed to escape my torturers, and that an inspection to verify I wasn't traced by a spell has to be done. He signals me by a sign to enter his villa-palace-whatever-it-is.
It's the perfect occasion, as I have 2 or 3 artifacts I have to get rid of! And also, doing everything like Jesus, from walking on the water to the resurrection… It gives me a bit of style, right?
- Writer
