Letters I Never Wrote

I

“Do not worry, for I will recognize you once we meet again; I will be there.”

He thought it’s a weird combination, I meant the ocean and coffee. Lucas told me it’s unusual that I bring coffee whenever he invites me to the beach. He says coffees are for cozy weather and not for summer getaways. I don’t find it weird though. I find it calming.

So, yes. We’re on a vacation. We decided to do island-hopping for today, and I am here inside my room, undecided. Do I wear the mustard one-piece swimsuit paired with my favorite cardigan or my favorite floral beach dress? I couldn’t decide if both are my favorite!

“C’mon, we’re gonna miss the boat!” says my impatient boyfriend, impatiently knocking the door.

“Yes, I’m on it!” So, I made up my mind and wore the latter. But of course, I brought the swimsuit, just in case I change my mind on the way. I’m indecisive nowadays.

I opened the door and saw Lucas standing; eyebrows are about to meet, arms crossed. I still gave him my sweetest smile and turned around showing off my dress to him.

“Do I look beautiful?” He smiled and nodded.

It took us four hours to see all the islands. It was fun. I had Lucas take pictures of me and the view. We had only one photo together since he hates cameras. This is my third summer with him. Last year, we spent it on a camp.

“You know, I really like to eat shrimps.” I told him while munching on some other food on the table.

“You know you have allergies.” He said pinching my nose and ate all the shrimps. I pouted. I hate it when he could easily just eat the things I am craving.

“Aren’t you gonna answer your phone?” His phone is ringing for a couple of minutes now. He’s still in my room. After our dinner, we decided to watch a movie.

“Not important.” He answered shortly and popped some popcorn into his mouth.

“Why? Who’s calling?” I asked and was about to get the phone on the table when he suddenly snatched it away.

“It’s mom. I don’t want to talk to her right now. We’re watching a movie.” He explained.

It’s the first time I heard him say those things. I mean, he’s not like that towards his mom. When I once went to their house, he seemed to be so close to tita that I mock him for being a mama’s boy. And he could even answer it right now, regardless of the movie; it could be an important call.

“I’m gonna get some soda in the fridge.” Before he could stand, the phone rang again. And this time, Lucas hurriedly went to the mini-kitchen bringing his phone with him.

I don’t know, but I felt very nervous. My heart beat is too fast. It’s like telling me to eavesdrop Lucas because something is not right. My guts are telling me something’s off. I slowly got off of the sofa and tiptoed to the mini-kitchen. I saw Lucas facing the opened refrigerator, phone on his ear.

“I told you not to call right now! I’m with Bella.” He said angrily. “I know we had a deal, but not tonight…What?! What are you doing here? Okay! I’ll be there. I’ll be there by eleven…Bye!”

My mind couldn’t process the words I heard. I stared at his back for a while and later realized that he is about to go back to the living room. I slapped my cheek and hurriedly went back before he could.

“What took you so long? You missed the good part!” I told him and acted like I didn’t hear a thing.

“I couldn’t choose what soda to get, haha.” I didn’t expect his answer. My expression changed all of a sudden because that’s when I knew my gut was right. My heart beat was right. He lied to me and didn’t tell me about the call, and damn, I feel like I am betrayed.

I couldn’t sleep since I didn’t confront Lucas about the call. I couldn’t take to ruin this almost perfect summer getaway. I’m afraid this will become a painful memory. It’s thirty minutes before eleven. I decided to get out of the bed. I know I’m not gonna settle with these thoughts. I faced myself on the mirror and fixed my hair. As I opened the door, I saw Lucas leaving from his room. I bravely followed to where he is going. I don’t know what I am feeling anymore, but I could sense this cold feeling crawling through my skin. The night sky is full of stars; calm, beautiful - opposing to what I am feeling right now.

I ended up following Lucas in a bar. I immediately saw a girl sitting on a chair near the counter-top. She waved at Lucas. I patiently watched him as he also waved his hand to the girl and smiled. I do not recognize the girl. He went on until he reached her. I was very surprised when the girl kissed him on the lips. My anger went to rage. I couldn’t elaborate all I am feeling. I want to shout at them, to make a scene inside the bar, to cry, because all I know is that it is very painful. The scene is torturing all of my being. He betrayed me, the thought is all in my head. I left and ran away crying hard. I hate myself for not confronting Lucas there and then. I hate that I let them. I hate that he is with another girl. It is twelve midnight, I dragged my exhausted body back to my room, but instead of going straight to my bed, I found myself leaning against the wall; losing strength and consciousness. If this is a fairytale, then mine perhaps has ended.

The sun is almost up, but my heart is still aching. My eyes are already swollen from crying. I decided to make myself some coffee and watch the sunrise. It is the only combination that could make me calm. I went outside in my pajamas and in my sweater, holding the cup of coffee I made. I took off my slippers feeling the wet and cold sand with my feet; soft sky above, sharp stones underfoot. I could feel the fresh air, hear the sound of the waves splashing. It’s like this view is lifting my broken heart and its remains. But I know for myself that I am not strong; my emotions will still come in chaotic waves, contradicting this ocean’s serenity.

“Bella? What are you doing here crying?” This is the very last thing I wanted Lucas to see from me and now, I’m damned. And wow! He asks like everything is okay, like he wasn’t with another girl last night.

“Can you just leave? I want to be alone.” And for f**k’s sake, I don’t want to see you face! I want to shout at you, swear at you! And I hate myself for not doing that. I hate it because I still forbid myself to do that.

“What’s the problem? Why are you suddenly acting this way?” Do you f*****g really want to know the problem?!

“Lucas, please. I’m begging you. Just let me be alone before I…” I couldn’t stop my tears. I’m crying. I’m crying in front of this guy who betrayed me. He’s seeing my weakness. He’s seeing how vulnerable I am, and it’s making me stupid!

“Before what Bella? This is what I hate when you become emotional. You do not tell what the problem is, and you f*****g want me to fix it clueless!” What the hell? Why am I the one being shouted at? My anger is at its peak, waiting to escape. But, why am I refraining myself to answer back? Why am I letting him tell me these words? My thoughts boiled down to one reason. I am afraid. I am afraid this argument would grow from nowhere into a tornado and destroy us.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now! I just wanna go home.” No, I want to shout, to let out everything I f*****g feel right now! I am hurt. I am f*****g hurt!

“I want to talk about it right now! f**k!” I suddenly realized I’m still not ready to let him go. I love him so much that I don’t want to confront him. I love him so much that I could tolerate what he did. And damn it, I am not supposed to compromise because I am just about to explode.

I need to be strong right now. No one would do it for me unless myself.

“I’m afraid, Lucas. I’m afraid we’ll end, here.” My body is shaking after I said those words. My heart is beating like it’s being chased. Words flew from my mouth that I never thought I’d even think. I knew instantly from the look in his eyes that we’ll hit our mark. In this instant, our relationship would shatter into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again.

“What do you mean? Do you want to break up?” The question I didn’t want to hear.

“You betrayed me, Lucas! I saw everything! Tell me, what am I supposed to do then?!” I didn’t teach myself to lose arguments, but how can I be so dumb when it comes to love?

“Are you talking about last night?” He calmly asked and that goddamn hope sparked in my eyes, that hope that we might be able to still solve this, that hope that he might have a reasonable excuse when in fact, there was nothing else there rather than betrayal.

“You’re with another girl.” I told him, patiently waiting for his explanation. At least, I need to hear an explanation.

“Then, let’s break up.” Did I hear that right?

“What?” I asked him, confused.

“If you saw me with another girl, let’s end this. Are you gonna tolerate what I did? I know we cannot fix this anymore.” He told me, just like that. His words are painful, it’s as if he never loved me for once. It’s like he did something in purpose to ruin our relationship. And just like that, he seemed to be someone I do not know at all. Lucas's words fall out of his mouth like vapor, but landed to me as knives. I feel my insides tear, like it’s wrecking altogether. I want to believe this isn’t happening but he's dead serious. His eyes are cold like I've never seen.

I am trying to understand the words he's telling me, but I can't. I know he loves me, he has for so many years, and to be honest, I think he's the only one that ever has. But he turned away, shoulders sunken and his hands in his pockets. He left. And then when the realization dawned upon me, it broke me like hell. Everything he did to me, broke me like f**k.

It has been a week since I came home. I have been isolating myself from everybody. Mom knows about it and understands. Last night, she cooked me dinner. It’s been a while since I tasted her dishes because she isn’t home most of the time.

It’s Monday. Bottles of alcohol are all over my room, pictures of us, souvenirs we got from our vacations are scattered on the floor. I’m in my very messy bed, lying on my almost-dry pillow, holding my phone in case he calls. I know I need to get up like nothing happened. I need more of my vacation, I need more time for myself, but this is reality and I couldn’t sacrifice my job just because I am not okay. Just because I feel like I’m dying from pain. I stared at the ceiling, asking myself, am I gonna get through this? Every single day feels t*****e, and I feel hopeless.

I’m not gonna get through this. There, the answer to my own question.