I'm Not In Love

Chapter Seventeen

Trap

"Doctor Frank", I called as soon as I heard a knock on the glass door to my private studio. This was where I would always come to relax and view the big outdoor pool privately most times. I consult my doctor here too.

"Please come in",

The doctor in his all gray hair walked in and sauntered towards me, a black bag in his hand, " Trap. How are you doing", Dr.Frank said, shaking my hand. The doctor had aged even for the last year that I had last seen him.

"Bad", I replied "please sit", I took a seat myself on a light blue sofa .

I made sure I drove home immediately after the interview with the news reporter. It was just some boring talks about our latest hit song,the award we won and some online critics. Nick and Nike did most of the talking, I only shipped in when necessary .Once Dr. Frank texted me he was in front of the gate I let him in with the remote,and unlocked the house door at the same time.

"So exactly what is wrong. You were doing fine before I left for the seminar", he said ,his gray eyes fixed intently on me. Dr.Frank was in his late sixties, I met him through the twins,after I broke down when Maria left. He treated me for almost a month,and diagnosed me philophobic. Even then I accepted it, because I knew nothing good would come out of falling in love. It was always betrayal.

"First of all doc, I keep having this dream. I ... I mean nightmare",I said,dragged in a ragged breath,close my eyes as if shutting it away. I continued, " Sidney was in it..."

"Your mum?",he asked quietly.

I squeezed my jaw tightly not wanting to call her my mum. She didn't deserve to be called a mother. She was everything far from that. Nonetheless I nodded to the doctor affirming his question.

And I continued when he didn't say anything but waited," Sidney shot my dad...and she laughed and I saw Maria..", I paused, purging it out now seemed even more torturing to me. Those damned woman. The doctor had heard this before but he remained calm and indifferent,waiting patiently as if what I was saying would save the world.

"She refused to help me out and ranted on how she used me to get into the industry", I swallowed the bile in my throat and sighed.

" It's the same dream,Trap. What makes it so different,"He asked.

I hesitated,of course it was different.

" In this dream,doc. There is this hand" I tried demonstrating, " after Maria, it just suddenly grabbed my hand and dragged me to light. Then I woke up"

     The doctor's brow knotted,his eyes widened and he shifted on his seat," well,that's new." He said ,rubbing his temple gently, probably trying to get a hold of the situation. "So there's a hand. Since when has this one started?",he asked.

         " About two days ago", I answered

    " Mmn", he nodded gently," what significant thing happened those few days . What has been new or different?",he asked.

         I didn't have to give it much thought,the only thing new and different was Anna. The dancer.

         "There is this girl doc, Steve recently hired her and her team and they work with us. But this girl has been triggering me in some ways. It's the crazy part of everything." I explained

        " Can you explain more. How has she been triggering you? "

     I sighed and leaned forward, " Doc,you know I'm Trap. You know how most people would avoid annoying me and how they respect me,most especially the staffs", I said and the doctor nodded ," This girl didn't. She was daring enough to speak back to me and I was... Shocked".

         " And I know Trap would have instantly fired her",Dr.Frank said a matter-of-factly.

     Glad he was catching on I nodded frantically and shifted again on my seat," exactly doc,normally I would. But  unfortunately I didn't. I couldn't"

    "Why?",he asked calmly

     My shoulder slackened, " Maybe because I felt she was right and I was wrong. I shouldn't have insulted her and question her talent. Now she is like challenging me", I said,remembering what she had told Scott,"...to be a better person.And ain't that messed up. Normally,I would ignore such a girl even if Steve is saying I couldn't fire no more dancer. I would downright ignore her, but... I don't know. It's just different and ... f****d up. And I've been drinking too much lately thinking if I was wrong,or if I shoulda done better. I'm just scared doc." I ranted to the old man,with various body gestures and facial expressions while he just sat there with all his calm features,listening to me.

     He later breathed out and started, " First of,because I'm a firm believer of dreams ,I may be reading too much to it but I think the new hand that hasn't been in your dream before and that just grabbed you out of darkness to light, is someone who wants to help you out. Someone you just met that possibly triggered the new hand"

     I looked at him dubiously,hoping if he wasn't thinking what I thought he was.

  My lips thinned and I raised an arched brow to him curiously. He affirmed my thought when he nodded.

        "No way doc. Not the girl. I plan on avoiding her for as much as I can.", I argued

       " Makes you a lot more coward than I think you already are." He accused me , and I scoffed.

      " What's the point. I am obviously not bringing down my walls. It's done a great job protecting me",I countered with a very strong note.

      Dr.Frank sighed," what exactly are you afraid of Trap. I'm just saying you could try being friendly,maybe you would get to understand her,and maybe you wouldn't feel all this burden and you wouldn't be drinking again"

        He didn't understand. That was where it all started with Maria. We became friends to lovers only for her to be my worst nightmare. I couldn't possibly be a fool thrice.

     "Doc, I can't. I'm damned afraid ", I thought of how too beautiful the girl was with her pink hair and sexy shorts,and her deep dimples when she laughed or ordinarily smile. I thought of how she was always so cool when she danced,she looked like a demoness on fire.

         I shuddered.

        Exactly what I was afraid of. I wouldn't definitely fall in love and get burnt in those fire . I had better not start a game I would lose in.

     The doctor resigned and didn't push further, "Okay Trap, I will do some more research and get back to you. Do you still have your drugs?",he asked.

      I looked away to the outdoor pool and nodded,after Maria I hadn't had reason to use it. It was better that way.

    Doctor Frank stood up ,grabbed his suitcase and turned to leave," your change is in your hands,Trap. I can only do my best . And that I will"

         I didn't have too look too much up at him, I was a very tall guy and the doctor was about 5'6. But I couldn't decipher what he was thinking at that moment,so I only watched him leave and Scott strode in,barking.

       Scott seemed to be having a mind of his own as he grew. He always knew when to come to me. I bent and ruffled his soft fur and he leaned his head on my lap. He was good comfort,but not good enough.

       I was a lonely one. Even though with my on-growing millions of fans world wide,I was damn lonely.

          But what could I do. I was incapable of having a companion. I could possibly never trust a woman and it was their fault. Those two women I ever loved.

         But on the bright side,dance schedule was until next week Thursday and Friday. I should be good till then.

      I sighed,holding Scott with my palms as I looked out the window.

       I really must be good.

Anna

         Ucsf hospital was a really big one. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was going to get lost but once calling Dr. Stein he directed me on where to go. Still I marvelled at each turn I took.

      As much as I was amused, I felt a huge wave of nostalgia hit me in a rush. I still couldn't believe I was going in for my consultation as a patient. One big part of me was wishing the doctor would laugh at me after running another test,and he would tell me I was worrying about nothing. And he would give me some drugs and after that I would be okay. Not the scary part Doctor Sam told me back in Florida.

      I didn't think I would be able to handle the truth,the second time.

       After talking to the receptionist,she confirmed my appointment and directed me to the elevator. I rode for endless hours,thinking just how many floors the building have.

      I got to the thirtieth floor and came out.Allowing half a dozen more people into the elevator. I walked down the hall,letting my eyes wander to the patients on wheels and hospital wear. Oh God. I got hit by various hospital smell,the drugs the people and a lot. I found the doctor's office reading Neurologist: Doctor Stein Damien. I knocked and heard a muffled voice saying to come in.

           "Good day sir",I said as soon as I stepped into the office. It was a bit big and behind the doctor was a view of the city and the early evening sun. He had this doctors usual book shelves, tons other on his desk. His coat on a rack and some freaky,body parts pictures on a wall.

   The doctor looked up from his books and greeted, "Anna Luke, right?"

      I gave him a strained smile,"Yes sir"

    "Please sit",he offered and I sat.

     "I'm sorry I'm late. I just kind of forgot and.."

       "It's okay. It's part of the symptoms miss, I understand",he said with a smile and I only shut up.

       " I... I guess so". I stammered,and dropped my gaze. God help me.

        "Sam already mailed your reports to me. I knew you could forget that was why I texted you. You see miss Anna.."

      " Just call me Anna sir", I told him.

   He nodded and pulled up a smile, probably to make me feel comfortable.

     "As I was saying,you are still in the early stage of getting your nerves dead and paralysed. You've got to get admitted and treated asap. From the looks of it,you'll be needing surgery if it drags on for two months".

     So I wasn't getting any drugs and he wasn't laughing at my face that I was worrying for nothing.

       "Where are your parents?,can I speak to them?"

      "No", I shook my head. Not mum. Not anyone. " I will do this alone"

      "But that's not possible. We need a guardian before we can start treatment. Your file said you have a mum,where is she?" He pondered. Although he wasn't harsh,I really felt like shouting at his face if he couldn't get a simple no.

         "She's in Florida. I'm actually here for work and school."

     "Another thing about your degenerating nerves is that you don't wanna overwork yourself. The more you do that ,the more you can't help it"

      Oh great, so what about dance. Dance takes a lot of me.

      I swallowed the bile rising in my throat and sighed,"How much is treatment".

      The doctor resigned,and pulled a sheet of paper to jot some things down.

      "Give this to the receptionist and she will tell you the rest. But like I said,we need a guardian if we need to start at all"

      I blinked back tears and deeply sighed. What was I going to do. Who could be my guardian. Who would I tell that wouldn't expose me?.

       I collected the paper from him,rose up and unconciously thanked me. As I walked down to the elevator, a lot of questions ran my mind and there wasn't an answer for one of it. I was doomed.

           I got to the receptionist and gave her the paper,plus my name and she did her thing, replacing my paper for the hospital bill. I thanked her and collected the paper from her. My eyes bulged the moment I saw the amount for treatment and drugs .

         Maybe I would be dying after all.