The Book Fight

CHAPTER 14: “Who is Morgan?”

ASTON

I don’t know how long I stand in the rain after Sekani slams the door in my face.

I don’t know how I move or even drive back home only to stay in my driveway. I don’t know how long I stay frozen as I listen to the ringing in my head pound one sentence:

I won’t forgive you, not for this.

I have felt pain before. Both physical and gut-wrenching internal pain that doesn’t budge even after a few years.

But what I’m feeling now, is purely new to me.

Unlike the pain from loss, it’s not slowly creeping in and attaching itself. It doesn’t go away when I’m unconscious or lighten up when I am incoherent.

No, this pain is different.

It’s like my heart is on fire that can’t be put out. Like lightning bolts are striking me repeatedly and burning me alive from the inside. This pain is somehow worse than anything I have ever felt.

“Mom!” I fall out of my car. “Dad!” I yelp. “Mom!” I choke on the rain as I force my legs to the door.

I am not breathing.

My heart is on fire and I can’t breathe.

“Mom!” I beg as my legs give out and I collapse on the wet paved floor. “Dad!”

I lay on the ground and watch the dark sky pour rain over my already soaked person. My hand is clinging to my chest as I internally beg the water to put out the fire from beneath me.

I doubt even hell feels like this.

“Aston?” The front door clicks open. “Martin!!”

I hear her feet hit the wet ground. I feel her warm hands cup my face as her fingers check for a pulse on my neck. Tears fill her beautiful grey eyes as she searches my body for injury.

“What’s wrong Aston?” She shakes me, “tell me what’s wrong!”

“I can’t—” I grip my chest harder. “I can’t breathe.” My eyes blur with tears as hers fill with true panic.

“Martin!” My mother is crying too, “bring the pump!” The rain muffles her shrieks, “bring the pump!”

That is the last thing I hear as my eyes drop.

“Wake up drama queen.” Peetah’s voice trickles in like an alarm

I look around and everything is crimson red, my brother stands at the end of my bed wearing the same homecoming suit he died in. His dark hair is slicked back and the hazel eyes similar to mine are still full of life.

Peetah always did look like the older, softer version of me.

“There you are,” his smile is coy. “You scared mom you prick! We all thought we lost you there for a minute.”

“Peetah?” I rub my eyes to double check.

Is this really happening?

Is it really him?

“You can’t give up Aston,” Peetah creaks. “You can’t do this to them, not with Morgan coming.”

“Who is Morgan?” I sit up but he sighs again.

“Aston, you need to wake up.” He begs a “please wake up.”

“I don’t want to.” I finally admit what I have been too scared to say out loud. “I want to stay with you.”

“Aston…”

“Please Peetah,” tears rush to the corners of my eyes. “Let me stay with you!” I reach for his hand but only catch air. “Peetah?”

What is going on?

“I need you to wake up baby brother,” he speaks as I look at my fading hands. “Aston, Morgan will need you, mom and dad still need you!”

No.

“I can’t—” I shake my head.

“Aston!” He frowns, “please don’t do this to them! Just wake up!” The void around us begins to crumble like we’re in an earthquake.

“I don’t want to!”

Everything shakes and the walls start to crack as Peetah looks around in panic.

“You’re not doing this,” he holds me by the shoulders but I feel nothing. “WAKE UP!” He screams so loud it feels like my eardrums are about to burst. “WAKE THE HELL UP!”

“We’re losing him,” someone outside says as I feel my chest being exposed while a cold gel is spread. “Get me a tank of oxygen and clear—” the voice fades as I go back to Peetah.

“No, baby brother you’re not staying here!” Peetah pushes me off the bed and into the now dark void.

“He’s back!” Someone shouts and I feel a bright light being shine into my eyes.

I will never forgive you, not for this.

“Aston? Baby, please wake up.” I feel my mother’s warm hand over mine. “If I lose you too then I’ll—” she cries.

“Son.” Another hand covers ours, “we need you to wake up okay?” My father’s voice breaks, “please just—just wake up.”

“I love you baby brother but now is not your time,” Peetah’s voice is fading. “I don’t need you but they do—especially Morgan.”

“But it hurts,” a tear escapes.

“Morgan is coming Aston and I’ll be right there with you, I promise.” Peetah’s voice dies and I force my eyes open.

The doctors do a bunch of tests before they discharge me on Monday after I spent the entire weekend there.

Apparently for someone who has never had trouble breathing, I not only had a panic attack but it triggered an asthma attack that nearly killed me. This is shocking because Peetah was the one who had asthma, that’s why we had a pump.

“No more smoking.” My father starts as we sit around the kitchen island. “I don’t care if it helps you not get hives! Anxiety or not, you are no longer allowed to smoke.”

“Martin.” My mother is sitting between us, it was her idea to call the family meeting after Buck left.

He gave me a balloon with a bear shaped card and I told him the real reason I was admitted. My poor friend nearly burst into tears but one hug, video games and a good food later, he agreed to go home.

“Kim, he nearly died.” My father reminds. “I can’t—No, I won’t lose another son.”

“Dad,” I sound exhausted because I am.

“You were on the ground Aston, clutching your chest.” Tears prick his eyes. “Your mother was screaming and begging you to move, to f*****g breathe but it seemed you were already gone.”

My mother rubs his back to calm him down but he only stands and starts pacing around the vast kitchen.

“It’s not the pot,” I murmur.

“You have never had an asthma attack before.” My mother looks at me with obvious worry.

I can’t believe I put her through that in her condition.

“But I have had many panic attacks. My lungs are okay, the heart is the problem here,” I hold my chest to check if the flames are really out.

It’s no longer burning but it still hurts though—a lot. Especially after seeing what Sekani signed on the card.

“What do you mean?” My parents exchange worried looks.

“I was sober that night. Sekani and I spend the day sleeping remember?” I pick at a hangnail. “We ate and I drove her home, I had no chance to smoke.”

“Then what happened?” My father is the one to ask.

“I came home, stayed in my car and next thing I know, my heart was on fire.” I stare at my hands. “It was like a fire pit was burning on my chest.”

Like I was genuinely on fire and the smoke took my ability to breathe away.

“Is it because you found out Sekani lost her mother?” Mom enquires but I shake my head.

It’s because I lost Sekani before I even got her but I can’t say that aloud. I don’t want to make it true.

“Then what?” My father resumes his seat, “what is wrong? Please, just talk to us.”

“I don’t know dad.” I feel like a crap son for doing this to them. “It just felt like it was on fire and it consumed everything in me.”

“Aston,” my father gives my mother a look I don’t understand, “did something happen between you and Sekani?”

“Why?” I push my hands into the pocket of my hoodie.

“You just described heartbreak. If the pain was only in your heart before travelling to every part of you in super speed, then—”

“It was heartbreak hon.” My mother finishes off his sentence but I am not sold.

“I’ve been heartbroken since I found Peetah, that doesn’t make sense.”

For some reason my parents smile at each other, I’m glad they find the humor in this because I am not tickled.

“There is a difference between heartbreak from loss and heartbreak from love Aston. Losing someone you love romantically, is not like losing your sibling. They are both painful and hurt more than anything but it’s not the same.”

I give my dad a look because I can barely understand what my mother is talking about.

“You might be in love genius,” he clicks his tongue. “Now I know why you’re an average student.”

“Okay, I’m going to bed.” I stand. “If you guys are going to make fun of me then—”

“Aston.” My mother holds my hand to stop me, “I think you may need to rethink your feelings towards Sekani.”

Feelings?

Love?

Now they are really pushing it.

“Mom,” I drop my hands.

I just spent 2nights in the hospital where I saw and heard my dead brother. The last thing I want to talk about is Sekani Rivers.

“If she can hurt you like this and pull you back this way then you need to either come face to face with your feelings or let her go.” She advises. “Either way. something needs to change.”

“Mom—”

“Do you think we don’t notice the way you look at her?” She cuts me off, “the way you talk about her?”

“And the way you suddenly wanted to change when she came into the picture?” My dad adds.

“I was doing it for you guys,” I point at her stomach. “For the baby.”

I didn’t want to be the loser older brother with no ambition and I don’t want to be stuck in Rooksville forever, especially as someone called Stoner Loner.

“Maybe so but you were also doing it for her.” That’s my mother’s conclusion.

“Why would I want to do that?” I ask them and honestly myself.

It seems they have more insight on whatever is happening. Maybe they can clue me in on why it hurt so much even though we haven’t even kissed yet.

“Jesus,” my father hisses. “You had a 3.9 GPA once.” I blink. “You wanted to change so you could be with her Aston. Pot smoking loner you, never had a chance.”

“Martin!” My mother scolds.

“Honey, I love our son and I know he can get any girl he wants but let’s be honest here,” he gives her a duh look. “You’ve met Sekani. Lively and beautiful Sekani, who according to our son, everyone wants but can’t have.”

“Your dad has a point,” mother agrees. “She’s amazing and literally comes close to the word perfect.”

I know.

“There was no way you’d get her stoned out of your mind while hiding in your room and deep down you knew that.” My mother looks at me, “wait. Is that why you started showering more?”

“And why you started growing out your hair and stopped cutting it through YouTube tutorials?” My father adds.

“Are you two done?” I ask when they start snicker. “Can I go now? I need a—”

“I swear if you say anything related to non-medicinal drugs,” my father warns. “I will take away your car.”

“—nap.” I finish. “I need a nap, I have 2days off from school.” I am taking advantage.

“Goodnight,” they say when I walk out of the kitchen to leave them to talk.

But are my parents right?

Did all this happen because of how I feel about Sekani?

How do I feel about Sekani? I know I really like her but love? Is it supposed to feel like this?