Break Free

LOVE, HATE

It’s getting dark, but the forest looks so bright, it seems to glow with Nathan by my side. He is still holding my hand, holding unto the promise that he won’t leave me again.

“You know that it isn’t your fault right? It was an accident and I’m to blame for it. Because even if you’re here, I doubt that you could stop me from being stubborn and hurting myself.” I tried to explain because I can feel the guilt he’s carrying as he holds me tight. 

“You can let go of my hand now,” I didn’t want to say those words but I know it’ll prove that I am all better. “No need to be guilty, you can now let go.”

Instead of letting me go, he leaned closer and mischievously asked, “So was this all your plan, to get my attention...? Or maybe for me to feel pity towards you?"

His face was so close to mine, all I could see were his eyes. His beautiful eyes, that seemed like sparkling stars. 

"You could’ve just said you didn’t  want to help me, it’s no big deal. I’m used to doing things alone, even the difficult loads.” he continued in a teasing manner. 

I’m not sure which part of consoling him sounded like I didn’t want to help though this guy sure has a weird way of comprehending stuff. But I guess it doesn’t matter for it only shows that he’s feeling a lot better, back to his frisky acts.

“Thank you for this,” I gently raised my injured right foot, “I see you know how to do first aid. Great job with the sticks, and improvised bandage, ahahahaha!”  I laughed hard while looking at his reaped sleeves.

“I’ve got Noah, it’s a must for me to know these things,” he said arrogantly, back to his cold aura. 

“You two must be close, seeing how you came all the way here to volunteer and be with him. Actually, you’re the first one to do that because for other families, though they worry a little, they also see this as an opportunity to take a break and have time for themselves.” 

After hearing what I said, he distanced himself a little. “I didn’t have a choice,” he softly whispered. He probably didn’t want me to hear his answer, but his lips and facial expression says it all. 

I must have read it wrong, he must not be close with Noah as I hoped he is. Well I’m not really surprised, I’ve expected this much from the way he changes moods and not to mention his sharp, killer look. People would mistake him for being a mafia with the way he talks, I would too if not for his angelic looks.

“Your parents must have forced you to be here, well we can’t blame them if they want you to spend more time with your brother and for them to have time to relax. I’m not saying that Noah’s burdensome but taking care of children 24/7; no matter what condition they are in, or age they are, is somewhat exhausting. But then again, by the end of the day, you’d find it all worth it. Seeing them smile as you kiss them goodnight and hearing the words ‘I love you, please don’t go’ as you switch off the lights. Your parents must be missing you both a lot.”

“I wish that’s the case,” his voice cracked while saying the words, then he turned to his side and finally released my hand. 

I see tears forming on the side of his eye, and though he tries to hide it, his actions are easy to read. I pray that I’m wrong, I pray that nothing bad is going on.

“Noah,” he continued with a deep shaky voice, “he’s all I’ve got, he’s all I have now.” his cold, dark aura changed again into a sorrowful image, like he’s drowning in sadness. Seeing him weak made me unstable so I instantly said I’m sorry.

“No I’m the one who’s sorry, for Noah deserves better, someone who could take care of him wholeheartedly. Someone who’s not forced to do things for him and willingly love him.”

Willingly love him, does that mean he’s got no affection towards his own brother?

He saw me leaning back a little, tilting my head with a confused look on my face. He smirked and said, “I’m someone who’s not capable of love. And if you’re wondering if I hate my brother, I guess you could say I do, with all the things I’ve done and said to him. I’m better alone.”

I’m well aware that I’m in no place to judge him because I know nothing about them, however, I am certain that no matter how grave Noah’s sin is, he shouldn’t say he hates him. “I believe everyone is capable of love, even if you’re the worst person on the planet you must love someone or something.”

“My pride?” he asked without thinking. 

“Yeah probably, but I’m certain that that's a terrible excuse to hate someone.” I know he’s got reasons for saying these things but it pains me hearing him say he hates Noah. We’re all created to love one another, and I couldn’t imagine the world without it, without the existence of love. I am not a hopeless romantic but I am a huge believer of the power of love. Because that’s what my father taught me and I’ve experienced it firsthand.

He kept on avoiding my gaze, like he’s afraid I might dig deep into it. “Why do you hate Noah, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

“He’s the reason why my father died.” he took a deep breath before telling the story. “Dad was on the way to my baseball game, we were supposed to celebrate New year’s Eve after the game. Everything was going according to plan until my mom’s water broke, she was brought to the hospital and they told my dad over the phone that the baby inside her is in a critical condition. He was in such a hurry, he was hit by a car.” His eyes are now flooded with tears, yet full of anger and hatred. “I’ve never told this to anyone, forgive me for crying, believe me I don’t want to.”

“I’m sorry to hear that but Nathan you have to understand Noah has nothing to do with your father’s death.” I didn’t want to contradict him, however, if I hold my thoughts now, I fear I wouldn’t have the chance to correct his wrong, selfish emotions.

I don’t want to invalidate his feelings but if he’ll continue to dwell on the negative, he might miss all the positive things that’s right in front of him.

“If he wasn’t eager to come out, if he wasn’t in a critical condition, if he wasn’t sick, none of it would have happened. My dad would still be alive.” he indignantly pointed out. 

Listening to him is more agonizing than the pain of my injury. Not because I pity Noah nor him, but because I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s like I’m being reminded of my wrong decisions, the time I’ve wasted and opportunities I’ve missed just because I keep on bringing back the past. I’m well aware how bad things could get if he wouldn’t let go of his pain and release forgiveness.

“Do you hate me too, like your brother?”

“Why would I hate you?”