Break Free

REASON WHY

For many years I've been wondering whether I'm really created for a reason. With endless "what ifs" running in my mind; like, what if I was not formed, what if I was not born, what if I didn't exist, what if I was a mistake, what if I don't really have a purpose and what if my mom chose to live? 

It's exhausting.

“My mom..." I answered softly, "she died because of me. It was so painful, I didn't even had the chance to see her face, touch her hand or feel the warmth of her hug. All I know is that she gave birth to me and that was it. She's gone in this world forever. Now, I could only smell traces of her scent in her wardrobe and imagine how she was through the stories I hear about her. I was already seven when I fully understood what really happened to her. For some time, I thought she was only at a long trip but after seeing all my friends with their mom, I can't help but long for her and seek for the truth."

"I'm sorry."

"I won't lie, I didn't take it good. It was traumatizing, I couldn't eat nor sleep. There were times when my heart was so restless, I would fall asleep but soon be awakened by a nightmare. And for a seven year old kid, it was too much to handle. In my eyes and other people’s eyes, I am a bad luck. I can't forget the fact that...my fist breath was her last." I tried to be composed as much as I can, praying not to be emotional as I explain myself.

"I don't know what to say."

"No, actually more than bad luck..., I am a curse. But you know what, all I've ever received was love, for the man who’s supposed to hate me the most, treated me like I am his greatest blessing. Not a single second has he shown me hatred nor remorse. So Nathan, please, I beg of you, spare Noah from your hate.”

“Well… that's a different thing since you didn’t have a choice. And for your mom, she chose you instead of her own life.” Though his voice was low, his clenched fist was shaking and his eyes gazed in fierce.

 “I see no difference for both Noah and I didn’t plan on taking their lives. Actually for Noah, he has nothing to do with it at all. It’s not like he was the one driving that car and it’s not like he wanted to be special. He just happened to be given birth the same time your dad had an accident. It was an accident, no one planed it; therefore, nobody deserves your anger and hatred. Why blame Noah?” I was at the peak of my emotions, I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I know deep inside he loves Noah and he’s just saying these things because he doesn’t know where to put his anger and pain. 

However, this is unfair to Noah, the boy loves him so much. I saw how excited he was that Oniichan is here.

He stood up and grabbed some stones. “You have no clue what I’ve been through, the pain I’ve suffered and the great loss I could never bring back,” he furiously said as he threw the stones hard on the ground, one after the other.

I could see how his heart has hardened. “I probably have no clue but one thing I am sure of, you’ll only suffer more once you keep living in regrets and hatred. Once you keep on living in the past. Coach used to tell me that the past must no longer have a hold on us and that we must learn how to live in the now. With endless hope, fresh perspective and unconditional love. We must be able to embrace the new beginnings and start anew each day. Think of it like it’s our chance to begin again.”

He stopped throwing stones and began to question me.

“New beginnings… how could I even think of that if I know there’s no one left for me to experience it with? Why would I bother looking forward to those things if in the end, I’ll be all alone? What’s the point of continuing the race if I’d have to face challenges and celebrate victories all by myself?” he was far from the caring Nathan earlier, it was like he despise me. He could no longer even look at me in the eye. 

“Becca you don’t need to explain this things to me, you don’t have to answer my questions either because I already know what you’ll say. You don’t know it either, you have no answer since it is not an easy question. Look, I’ll just carry you back and let’s stop with this nonsense, I don’t even need your sympathy.”

My heart feels so heavy I couldn’t breathe properly. “You’re right I don’t have an answer to all your questions for there’s really no certain thing about the future. And yes it is so frustrating for we’re not even sure if we’ll be successful in achieving our happiness. But based on my understanding, it is just a matter of decision. It is up to you if you want to stay in that miserable state of yours or move on and create new, wonderful, and amazing memories with the people who are still with you. You might feel like you’re running this race alone but look at us now, here I am with an injured leg and here you are offering to carry me back.” 

I hate him right now but for some reason, I wanted to hug him and make him feel I’m just right here. Clearly he needs someone to assure him he’s not alone in this world. “My point is, we just met, you don’t really know me and it’s even obvious that you hate me, so why bother show concern, why carry me? I’ll just be a burden.”

“Why would I leave you in this dark forest? I know I’m stubborn but I’d be crazy to leave an injured woman behind.” 

“Exactly,” I answered him simply.

“I don’t understand your point at all," he looked so pissed and confused. 

“You can’t run this race alone even if you want to... Nathan you’re not alone.”

He finally looked at me in the eye; this time with a tender, sweet smile.

"Would you now carry me on your back?" I asked him to break the awkward silence. "You said it yourself, you’d carry me." 

He finally laughed and started walking towards me. Once again he looked like an angel.

He leaned forward and softly kissed me on the forehead, it was so sudden I didn't know how to react. Then he gently whispered, "It was indeed you..." 

I didn't understand what he said but the warmth of his kiss ran all over my body causing me to blush. I know it was a friendly thank-you-kiss and yet tons of butterflies are going wild inside. I feel like I'm about to explode. It was a simple kiss, a sweet gesture kiss, a sign of respect kiss, a humble kiss, an... unforgettable kiss.

After blushing, I tried pushing him away. "I’m starving and I bet they’re all worried we’re not back yet. Let's go?" I said in a shy voice.

He smirked then offered his back to carry me. 

On our way to breaking ground he asked me another question, "did you ever thought of giving up?"

I know he's still bothered by what I've shared and I guess 'talking' is a good way to brush off the thought about the kiss. 

"I once asked my dad if he regretted giving life to me, and if he had a chance to turn back time, would he change his decision. Or would he still love and welcome me knowing that I’ll be the cause of his beloved’s death?"

"And what did he tell you."

 "I was expecting for him to look sorrowful but instead of being in pain he hugged me like he never wanted to let go. He said he'll never change a single thing and that he would love me the same. He said he didn't regret having me just as how he didn't regret loving my mom. He said that the only people who grieve hard for their loved ones are those who are unforgiving."

"Unforgiving?"

"Yes, unforgiving of themselves. For the greatest pain is the pain of loss and regrets. Regrets of not spending time with the person more or not showing love more. He said that those kinds of pain are tormentful, unlike his pain. He said, his was a good pain because as he cries and lament, he only remembers the well spent time together with my mom." I cleared my throat for I wanted him to really grasp what I am saying. And the only way that I can do that is by showing him the other side, the brighter side. Therefore, I can't let my emotions take over and ruin the mood again. 

To talk about death is one of the hardest thing to do and to tell someone to accept it is the worst. However, there's no other way to continue life but to move on.  

"What I've learnt from my dad is that instead of wishing for the person to be with you again, you just have to treasure the memories you still carry. Then after accepting the truth, you'll be at peace knowing that person is in a better place. You get excited because you know that soon, you'd meet her again."

"Meet her again..."

"I guess the simplest explanation is contentment. You're contented with your time together."

He didn't say a word but he seemed to understand what I said.

"But you asked me if I ever thought of giving up? Well of course I did! And I would often ask myself whether things would still be the same or would it be better if I'm gone? A lot of questions with no definite answer; a lot of uncertainty that only leads to confusion." I paused for awhile as I remember the terrible things that happened to me because of my wrong decisions and reactions. They were terrifying, I don't want Nathan, Noah or anybody to go through it too. 

"Should I live in the present, accept the truth and enjoy the gift of life? Or should I live in regrets, forever blame myself and just hope to die?" I continued, hoping I could convince him to listen to the truth.

But he sniggered after hearing me ask those questions. "So you chose the former, seeing how happy you are with your life now. Aren't you guilty for living a joyous life?" He stopped walking and tried to face me. 

I was not able to answer, for I didn't expect him to be so direct and at the same time, insensitive with his words.

He started walking again and as I stare at him, I could see how uneasy and sorry he was for choosing the wrong words. "I'm sorry, what I meant to say was..."  he tried to explain himself but I cut him.

"I am guilty and there were plenty of times when I said, I don't deserve to live. However; as I think about it, my mom died because of me. So isn't that enough reason to live? I mean, I should at least give her death a meaningful reason by living a purpose driven life. Plus, even if I give up and die, I could never bring back the past and undo what was done." My voice became shaky so he tapped my leg, reminding me to breathe and take it easy. 

The night seem to be so long and tiring. It was like I'm in a battlefield; in war with false notion and negative emotions. Honestly, I've never had that kind of conversation with anyone. It was so heavy I feel like it's dragging me down. 

"So those questions about blaming myself, they all eventually became useless and meaningless. For no matter how long I dwell on them, they can never help me bring back my mom." I continued, trying to lessen the tension between us. 

In my heart, I'm only sharing these thing for I want to help him. So no matter how cold and mysterious he is, I can't give up on him. The fact that he is concerned about me shows that there's more to him than the dark aura he is sending. And somehow, it gives me hope that I could change his perspective about life. 

"I'm really sorry I asked, it was not my intention to hurt you." he uttered apologetically.

"It's fine, no worries," I smiled hearing his sincere apology. "I know your only reason for asking those is because you feel that way, guilty. You've probably asked yourself those questions too, but you know what, those questions are like ghosts of the past. They will keep haunting you if you don't fight back. So no matter how scary they are, you have to face them and push them away. I've experienced how dangerous it is not to put an end to those negative thoughts. They will eat your soul if you keep entertaining them. They will eat your soul, leaving you miserable and lifeless."  

"I see." He stopped and stared at the stars like he's making a wish. Then after a deep breath, he started walking again.

"What is the reason of my existence? Why was I ever born? Do I really have a purpose? Those questions were also answered after that talk with my dad." I stated as we get closer to breaking ground.

"And what was the reason?"