Break Free

OUR SCARS

The wind from the forest felt cooler as we walked through the open field. There were birds chirping in the distance and bushes swaying in the wind. 

I felt a cold drop of water on my forehead, so I looked up and saw a dark cloud above us. I guess even the sky has its lonely, dark hours.

“The sky is crying,” I whispered.

Then the flock of birds flew in front of us, changing their direction, heading towards the forest. 

“Yeah, there might be a storm coming so let’s hurry back,” Brian replied as he assisted me back to the girl’s cabin. 

“That’s odd, “ I told myself. 

“What's odd?” Brian answered.

“Look at the birds, look at where they are heading. Don’t you find it odd that, instead of turning away from the forest, they are flying towards it?”

“I guess many find it scary to go in the wild, while for others, it is their comfort zone, it is their home.” 

“How can one's frightful place be a comfort zone for others?”

“We have different fears, burdens and pains… different experiences and different expectations. They might be heading towards a scary place in fear of a scarier obstacle.”

“Meaning?”

“Our instinct is designed to tell us to hide whenever we are in danger, go somewhere much more tolerable or less terrifying. You can never tell what storms can bring you.”

‘You can never tell what storms can bring you…’ his words kept running in my mind.

As we got back to the cabin, Brian instantly heated a warm cup of chocolate for me, gave me a blanket and sat me down on the sofa, in front of the fireplace. The cold, numb feeling suddenly became warm and cozy. 

He offered to disinfect my wound. He did not ask anything on our way but it is obvious that he was troubled by what he had heard. I did not say a word either, for I knew once I told him what happened back in the woods, he would never let me go near Nathan again. 

Despite being annoying, he is a protective brother who wants to keep me safe all the time. However, I’m well aware that he can’t do that; he can’t always keep me safe. Even if he tries to keep me away from danger, this race is for me to run. I may still trip several times, I may lose once in a while, or worse, I may get lost forever. 

In the end, getting wounded and hurt is inevitable.

“Hey what’s running in that busy mind of yours, are you alright?” Brian finally broke the silence while gently applying ointment on my wound. 

We’ve known each other for so long, it is now hard to hide anything from him. And sometimes, I can even feel like he could already read my mind.

“Remember that time when we were kids, when my dad used to bring us here and we would play tag in the meadow for the entire day?” I softly replied.

He smiled after hearing my question, then he started massaging my injured foot. 

“But, of course, how can I forget? Whenever we played that game, you would trip and fall. So I’d end up running towards you, acting like a superhero to-the-rescue. Then you’d start crying and blaming me for leaving you behind. You were really cute back then.” he sounded really sweet and sincere as he reminisced about our childhood.  “And now that you’ve hurt your foot, I think nothing has changed; I mean, I highly doubt you could ever catch up.” he added teasingly. Though this time, I won’t retaliate, he’s right. I’ve been a cry baby for the longest time.

“Funny because that’s exactly what I wanted to say. How can I catch up if I don’t even know how to stand on my own?” 

“Wow, since when did you become a scaredy cat?”

The whole cabin was quiet because everybody else was busy preparing for the breakfree night. So it was just the two of us. 

Brian reached for my other foot, then he massaged it as well. 

“I guess all of us have wounds; wounds that take time to heal; wounds that are bothersome, they slow you down and give you a hard time running. No matter how many times you disinfect it, apply different ointments to it, the pain you’ve felt will never be forgotten. Afterwards, after it heals,  every time you see the scar, you will start to feel all that pain again.” I bluntly said. However, tears began to roll down my eyes as the pain creeped in. I could no longer contain it, I was really terrified. 

Brian has witnessed all the pain that I’ve been through, so he understands why I’m being emotional. He hugged me tight and assured me that he'd always be by my side. 

“It is scary, Brian, because I’ve seen my scar again and now I’m feeling all the pain. I don’t want it, Brian, I hate it. I lied about embracing the ugly scar. Honestly, it terrifies me, it is eating me alive. I thought I was fine, I thought the pain was gone, I thought I'd moved on and I thought I'd conquered it all.” 

“It is not that you haven’t moved on, it only means you haven’t completely healed. Becca, there’s nothing wrong in being scared, there’s nothing wrong in feeling all the pain.”

He's right, and yet what is this heaviness inside?