Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Ten

Amara

I sat there for a while after Jamie had left. Eventually, Jackie had snuck into my room holding a bag and a large smile. Insisting that I tried something. I could instantly smell the sweet smell of pastries. I sat up quickly and smiled. You do not have to tell me more than once if food is involved. The pastries were so amazingly heavenly in my mouth. We had to keep it a secret though. Dr. Minx would not approve. I was thankful that Jackie was still in the room with me when he had come in and did a check-up on me.

Insisting I rest and just let my body heal. I was done resting though. I had my eyes shut for 4 years now. And honestly, it was almost like I was not sleeping even when I was sleeping. The emptiness made me feel awake. I was thinking but felt rested when I opened my eyes back up. I was too afraid to talk about the empty with anyone though. Not until I had that psych eval. I needed to get out of this hospital. I had asked Dr. Minx if there was any way I could bump up my evaluation since all my scans and tests were being done today.

Jamie had done what he said he would. He had gotten dr. Minx to get everything scheduled for today so that I only had one thing left before release. He was not able to sway the fine doctor into giving me the evaluation sooner and my batting of eyes was also not working on him. He wanted me to stay till Monday and just rest. How could I though? There was so much going in and out of my head. I needed answers I did not have, and that people were avoiding giving me. Walking on the glass around me as I would shatter at any moment.

Around 10 am Miss. Millie had called me to check in with me. I had asked about the twins to which she tried to change the subject multiple times. Asking what Dr. Minx had said to me this morning. Of course, I told her, but I would just bring her back to my questions about the twins. She not wanting to distress me was only causing me more distress… after about 45 minutes of circling back to the twins over and over, she finally gave in and told me they had still been sleeping. As they had some of the worst terrors last night she has seen in a long time.

She needed to give them their anxiety meds and sleeping aid to calm them and get them to sleep again. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were so bad because of me. All of the anxiety of me being awake and my episodes. They had been so strong the last 4 years. I was so proud of them, but I was so sad that they had to go through it alone and putting on the fake fronts to show they are okay but instead are completely broken… She assured me when they woke up, they would all video call me but she was sorry she couldn’t let them come up today. I told her no I understood and that I wanted them to stay home for a few days. I would be okay.

Before she hung up, I told her I wanted to speak with the detective. I told her I would like to either get his number or for him to be given mine and to call me. Again Miss. Millie was trying to avoid my wishes. I told her if she did not help me, I would call the department myself and find the detective on my case. I knew he wanted to speak with me as well. We both needed some blanks filled in. Finally, she gave up and agreed to text me his number after she told him I was awake and would be inquiring from him about the investigation. I agreed knowing she was going to run to him and ask him to be gentle about information with me.

This would not deter me from pushing my questions. I would find my answers.  Even if that meant digging into a past, I do not really remember. What I did remember were cars and a racetrack. I remember another man that scared me. I remember Dmitrov. Directly north of Moscow. I remembered the winters and how I missed the winters there. What I remember most was my mother’s fear and chaos then being in America and never looking back. This only caused me to have more questions. Like why did we leave? Why was my mother so scared. I remember the first year after moving to the states my parents always seemed to be on guard and always looking over their shoulders. Like they were waiting for someone to show up. After time went on, I don’t remember them doing that again.

Maybe it was me just growing up and not noticing the odd things they did because I felt safe. Were we not safe though? I wish I could remember the man that scared me in Russia. I remember his eyes. I remember feeling like they were bad eyes, monster eyes. I did not know how to explain it but a part of me at this moment felt like I was on the right track. That there was something I was kept from. Where would I even start to look for answers my parents never gave anyone… My eyes lit up remembering hearing my father in the empty. He had told me to find the answers he had left. So there had to be something left behind. I knew wholeheartedly there was still something holding my answers to fill in the dots.

I needed to keep my feelings and ideas to myself though. Until I had the answers. I would keep the twins out of it. They were innocent. They were born here in America. They were not a part of that hidden past. And I would keep it that way. Always.

Jamie

I woke up to a silent apartment. When I got home this morning I remember the apartment being dark and quiet. I figured that ally had gone shopping or something so that I could sleep. It was a little past 3 pm. She should have been home by now. We were going to have an early dinner today. I wanted to talk to her. But it seemed that maybe she had gotten called into work. I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to grab a drink and make some eggs and toast. I flicked on the light starting to grab everything I needed from the fridge and cabinets. I turned around to the center island and started mixing the eggs and milk together. I went to reach for the pepper when I noticed a note on the end of the island.

Reaching for it reading my name on the folded side. Ally left me a letter. Confused why wouldn’t she just text me saying she got called in? Opening it to read it my stomach instantly sunk into my stomach. She left… I quickly looked up and ran around the apartment looking through her stuff. Everything was gone. Her clothing her makeup her nic nacs. Her pictures of her favorite foster family. If she had not been turning 18 soon her last foster family would have adopted her. They were the only ones that truly loved her and never let her give up on her future. It was all gone.

Holding my head I just looked around the apartment. Realizing I still had the letter in my hands I reread the words.

Jamie,

I wanted to thank you for the last 5 years. Your love has been nothing but pure bliss. I knew the moment you came back to school after the fire that things had changed. I could see you were in love with her. Apart of me knew this would not work out for us. I know you love me and would do anything for me. But I can not allow myself to be selfish and keep you from her not that she is awake. She needs you Jamie, and you need her. I do not want to stand in between that. I think I had prepared myself for this moment for so long that the blow is not as hard. I told myself I would need to see it all for myself if and when she woke up. When I saw you with her last night… I had gotten my answer. The way you looked and spoke to her. How you felt about her compared to me. Answers I knew but still knocked the wind from me when I heard them. And that is okay. I understand. There is something between you both that as you said was kinetic. A push and pull that is ever going. Please forgive me for leaving this letter. I just could not stand in front of you and say all this. I knew if I had you would have peddled back and talked me into staying. Only to lie to yourself. I love you, Jamie. I wish it had been enough, but I will forever be grateful for the love and time you have given me.

Goodbye, my cherry.

Ally

I sat down on our couch, my couch. Spinning my head around her words. Trying to relive what I had said last night to her after I let go of Amara… Had I said something wrong? I have only ever been honest to Ally like I always am when she asks me questions. Sure there are things I kept to myself, but she was my friend. My fiancé. But was I not just about to have this talk with her today at dinner? I tried to call her and text her. I needed to talk to her. I did not want to end things this way. I did not want to hurt her. I did love her.

Ally was a breath of fresh air in my life. She was kind-hearted and cared. We never fought. She never pushed me or pressured me. She always stood by me lovingly and supportive. She was an amazing soul. A should that deserved to be loved after all the pain and suffering she had been through. And here I was…adding to her pain. There was nothing more painful than knowing she was hurting, and I could not comfort her. She had helped me grow as a person. Holding my hands once again in my face I heard a ding. Quickly grabbing my phone to check to see if it was Ally. It was Amara.

Hey…Jamie. I feel bad about not being able to show my appreciation of the water lilies to ally last night. So could you please tell her I said thank you and they were beautiful? And that I am sorry for what happened. I hope I did not upset her. She seems so sweet.

What do I even say to that text… and of course I would get a text like this right now. How do I say, Umm she left me because I am in love with you, and I pretty much declared it to her last night after you fell asleep… how do I say I can not tell her thank you for you as she won't answer my calls or texts. It was then that I realized… I did just this to Amara after her father died… I left without a word and then sent her an email… an EMAIL! I started to get mad at myself and threw my phone a crossed the room.

How stupid am I? Is this how she felt? No, she definitely felt worse than this. She wasn’t planning on leaving me. She needed me. She just lost her father. Her connection with the one person she put above all. I broke them both. I broke both of the people I loved. That I love. How can I be the guy Amara deserves if I keep hurting those I am supposed to love! Hearing another ding from my phone it was from Jackie.

Hey, bird brain I had to fix a couple of your reports before I left this morning. But it is okay I forgive you. O with that being said… I know these two days off were for Ally, but can you come in tomorrow. One of the other residents called in and I need an extra hand tomorrow.

This one I could answer. Because I could not just sit here for the next two days alone…

Yeah. Change of plans anyways. I will be in tomorrow. Need help tonight?

Jackie

Nah not tonight but tomorrow for sure. 14 hr shift coming your way. Did Ally get called back to the office?

Yeah, something like that. I will talk to you later Jackie.

Jackie

Oh, that good huh? Okay well, I’m here if you need to talk. Also great suggestion about Petro’s Bakery this morning. You def helped me score some brownie points with Amara.

                Lol no prob. Food always wins her over. She can not say no to food. Ttyl Jackie.

I went back into my empty room and sat on the bed and just laid back on the mess of blankets. Staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours till my eyes finally closed from the deafening silence inside my apartment and head.