Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Episode Six

Hope

Amara’s pov

“Amara?” Hearing his concerned familiar voice, I spun around to face him, searching for his deep abyss of golden-brown eyes. They were already on me, this just caused more confusion, pain, anger. Why was he looking at me like that? He was not allowed to look at me with those eyes as if I was everything. He left. He came back. He saved you. Like I knew he would. Mom!?! There was no fading, just complete darkness. This time there were no thoughts there was only silent darkness.

Малютка, ты в безопасности. просыпаться с улыбкой. (Little one, you're safe. wake up with a smile.) Daddy? Hearing his voice my eyes opened slowly, trying to focus around the hospital room. Nothing. I don’t understand…I know I heard him. I heard mom also. I turned to look at the clock. It was a little past midnight, I was in the bed again, but…how? I thought hard for a moment to remember what happened before once again another embarrassing blackout. The twins and I were having a great day and evening. They had told me so much of the things that have happened over the last 4 years. Neither of them has had relationships yet and are home-schooled now. It made things easier on them as they drove a few hours out of LA to see me every day. They had to go to school once a week.

Normally on Wednesdays. They would come to stay the night with me that night, well Lillie would. I could tell there was a heaviness surrounding them. I did not want to push them with questions, just like I could tell they did not want to overload me with information. Honestly, I felt like I was handling things pretty well. We were laughing about Lillie’s snores that I had woken up to in the night when I felt a tugging on my chest. Instinct told me who was behind me. I turned to look at him like I could send him flying out of my room. I say Lillie jump up and run around the bed to the food Miss. Millie had dropped off to us. I was so happy.

The moment I smelled the food wafting into the room I sat up with a hangry face. I had just realized I had not eaten in 4 years. Not solid food anyways, laughing to myself. It was a dream eating her cooking again. Lillie had asked him if he had eaten. I could tell by her voice she was so happy to see him. Which only made me infuriated with the entire situation. It wasn’t until she invited him to sit with us and eat before his shift that I was not just glaring at him. I spoke out in a vile demeanor towards him. It was in reply to Lillie, but it was directed to him. He looked ashamed and hurt filling his eyes. I felt badly briefly, but quickly remind myself that he left, helping me cling back to my anger.

 I could feel he wanted to respond to me but instead kept his eyes locked with mine responding to Lillie respectfully, giving me some hit back. “Lillie, Thank you. Ma-Amara is right though. I do not have time to sit and chat, though I would not mind any other time. I do need to catch up as I had more pressing things to take care of this morning before I left.” I laughed a little in my head at the fact he corrected himself with my name. Almost like he knew his place in my life right now. He was the one that came up with Mari. After he had crashed into me to get me out of the road, he introduced himself; after relaxing a moment.

“Sorry about that, but that was dumb. Don’t you know that you could have been hit? Never mind… Anyways my name is Jamie.” “sorry…I just needed to catch Maxie… I am Amara. I just moved here with my mommy and daddy.” He stood there for a moment, thinking. “Okay well first, I guess I will call you Mari. You look more like a Mari.” I smiled so big. I never had a friend before, nor had a nickname before. That was the first time he made my heart jump, making me feel special.

After Jamie left the room Lillie lit into me. Something I was not expecting at all. She was so upset she grabbed Matty, both saying goodbye to me, and left. She told me I needed to apologize. She did not understand why I did not want to. Why I couldn’t. He left me. Then when I went to his dorm, he refused to acknowledge me at his door, watching me leave. It then sunk in why I blacked out again. Dr. Minx had that bimbo nurse walk me around the floor. She was terrible, rude, unprofessional, and very trashy-looking. She is a nurse; they do not give happy endings.

She abruptly left me in the hallway, telling me to head back to my room. I was so mad cursing her under my breath. I wandered for a moment. I was being pulled towards room 210. That is when I heard his voice and him laughing. The door was slightly open and that is when I saw him saluting an elderly woman. She was very graceful looking for her age; wore too much make-up though. He was seeming to just hang out with her and help her with getting ready for bed. He was always like that. So gentle. He reminded me of how my mother was with others. He never cared about his feelings…He wanted to help others.

That is why it hurt so bad knowing he just left me when I needed him. I wanted to get angry enough to force myself away from the door, but I couldn’t. I was frozen watching in admiration like I always had when he was helping others. Making them smile. My chest tugged and tugged towards him. After a little bit the lady had gotten up quickly to head to her bathroom. Watching as his face begin to form a huge smile. He had a beautiful smile. Braces as a kid did wonders for his teeth. He seemed way too excited about her getting up. It made me chuckle to myself a little bit.

The chuckle distracted me long enough to not notice he was at the door until he stood right in front of me. Looking down at me. I forgot how tall he was compared to me. I noticed he had gotten bigger in his chest and arms. It complimented him, along with the beard. He always said he hated facial beard. I did not care either way. It looked nice on him. His eyes were swimming into mine. They seemed sad. I was fighting the urge to reach up to his face. Stop this Amara! He left you! He never cared about you! It was a chant I keep repeating in my head.

Someone cleared their throats behind me and it caused me to reel myself back in and tighten on my anger at him. He shook a tad clearing his throat, “did you need something, Amara?”. Well, that was f*****g rude… did I expect anything different? f**k an apology now. Complete rage helped me spin around to force myself. What was I even thinking…I should turn around and hit him with this IV pole… Then a warm hand grabbed my wrist sending tingles up my arm. I wanna say I had heard him calling for me prior to this action but I was too busy thinking about hitting him. Hard. Speaking apologetically sincere,

“I am sorry that sounded rude. You just caught me off guard. I was not expecting you to be at that door. I was just confused why you were outside Mrs. James’ room is all.” He was apologizing to me… Pang. My chest started to hurt. Multiple emotions started to spiral around me. Trying to not sound defeated I looked at him, “I got lost okay? I was with the bimbo nurse and she left me standing in the hallway…I was trying to find my room. When I heard talking. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop… I just wanted to find my room.”

It came out rushed and booming. Not how I intended but I needed to get out of there. My head was spinning. He caught me admiring him. He was confusing me with his words and his eyes. His voice said one thing his eyes said another. I hated him. I loved him. He was the guy I grew up with. He left me. He saved me. He is staying. Watching him was the first time being awake I actually had no thoughts, no confusion, it was simple, and I felt happy in my admiring. NO! Stop! Shut up, Amara! JAMIE LEFT YOU! I needed to get back to my room.

“Mind if I bring you back to your room? I won’t talk. I can just bring you back and have a nurse come check on you in a few moments? Or I can get…”. “Uhm. No it's fine. I can do it. Just point me in the right direction. This floor is confusing… who knew a giant circle could be confusing…”, again attempting to pick to one emotion and failing hopelessly at it. I just needed to get away from him. He points down the hall and gave me my room number. I made it a point in my spiraling to look at my surroundings walking into my room. I was by the elevators so I would remember that.

I sat on the edge of my bed for a moment, getting up and pacing around my room. It felt like my chest was about to explode. I wanted to hate him, I needed to. Why couldn’t I hate him? He has never left me since the fire…but he left me prior to the fire… I felt my body begin to feel heavy, so I walked to the window. Hoping looking outside into the rainstorm happening would help me focus to calm down. Since walking up he has done nothing but torments me by trying to be there for me. Every time I have woken minus this morning he has been right there.

Trying. Why is he trying!? He made his choice a long time ago. Then the fire happened. He was home? Why was he home? Lillie said he came home a few hours prior to the fire, and with no regard to his own life he flung himself to me freefalling into the flames as the roof caved in. Why would he do that? He didn’t care he did not like let alone lo-love me. “Amara, please hear me. Come back to me Mar. I need you here. I love you…” repeated in my head. That voice I heard, the touching of my hand. The pull. I thought it was my parents. Sure I felt them, but he was the reason why. He was the reason I broke out of the vast emptiness around me.

I felt so heavy and terrified of every thought, every emotion running through me, “Amara…”. His voice caught me off guard and I flung myself around, meeting his eyes. Concern. Hopelessness. Sadness. Worry and fear washing around in his eyes. Pang! What is happening to me. I didn’t understand it. Jamie woke me and then there was the darkness. I was looking at Jamie when I had fallen so fast into the empty space.

I started to panic again, hearing the machines I was hooked up to going off again reeled me back into reality. I needed to get a handle on all my emotions. I needed to accept the reality and I knew the only way I would be able to do that was if I got answers. “Miss. Voznesenski, you’re awake again. How are you feeling?” Dr. Minx asked. “I was a little panicked when I woke up, but I think I am getting better at calming myself…kinda.” It was pretty much a 50/50 chance to be honest if I would freak out causing a blackout or not at this point. I wanted to give myself a little bit of credit though. I needed to give myself that.

“Well, your heart sounds calm. Looks it on the machine also. Can you sit up I would like to check your lungs thoroughly. Jackie came in to do it before your blackout but when you were not responding to her by the window, she came to get me.” Wait, Jackie was not in here…Jamie was. “you mean Jamie, right? He was the one in here before I blacked out? I heard him. It was why I was facing him.” Questioning him. “Nope. Jackie was in here first she called out to you a few times actually. You did not respond to her. She met Jamie in the hallway. Told him she needed to get me. He came in after she spoke to him. He has actually passed off your care to Jackie.”

 So he doesn’t care? He doesn’t want to take care of me? Anger and hurt must have been showing a crossed my face, visible to Dr. Minx. “You requested last night to have someone else come to check on you. So he is trying to respect your wishes and have been having others check in on you.” “Oh…” I softly replied. I do recall making it very known I did not want him around me. So why was it bothering me that he was respecting my wishes? Especially when he still came running when I was in a panic. He was there for every blackout. Trying to help me and protect me from hurting myself.

I was so lost in my head that I did not notice Dr. Minx had left me. Bimbo came walking in with another IV bag full of fluids. “you did not need to tattle on me yeah know… If you had an issue with me, you could have spoken to me privately. Now the sexy one is mad at me.” The sexy one…is she talking about Jamie? Once again leave it to her attitude and remakes to aggravate me. “You left me in the hall. It is not my fault I got lost and ran into one of the Dr’s…” giving her some attitude because I was trying not to allow my emotions to spiral. “mhm. Well, next time just come talk to me. I have been trying to get in nice with him.

I mean have you seen him. He has a fiancé, but he never talks about her. They seem on the outs and I would love to get him to toss me around nice and rough. If you catch my drift.” Jamie is engaged? My emotions started to spiral again… and I needed her to shut the f**k up and leave so I could calm myself again. Trying not to bite her head off, “Leave. Do not come back in here again. I want a new Nurse. Do not let me see you in my room again. You are a selfish, unprofessional person. That honestly causes real vomit to reach my mouth. There was that good enough one on one honesty for you. Now get out.” She looked taken aback by my hissing.

I did not give a crap though. It was almost 1 am I wouldn’t see the twins for at least another 9 hours… should I try and sleep? f**k that I slept for 4 years. I’ve had enough sleep. I needed to figure out how to get my information to start accepting my present to move forward. But how was the question? I did not want to wake Lillie she needed her sleep, and I was sure Miss. Millie was asleep as well. Hmm, I doubt I would see Jamie again tonight. Jackie sent me into a blackout last time… so I don’t know if I should talk to her. I wonder if Matty was awake.

I grabbed the phone that Miss. Millie brought me earlier. The twins laughed at me because I did not know how to use it. I’ve never had one before. I missed my blackberry. There was so much information on this thing. It was like a computer in my hands. I mean it was kind of cool. Matty downloaded all the goodies for me to jam out to. They showed me how to get on YouTube and my myspace. Though Lillie made me a f*******:? Saying it was myspace but a million times better.

I had 5 numbers on the phone. The twins, Miss. Millie, Dr. Minx… and Jamie’s. I tried to delete it earlier but Lillie said as long as he was my doctor I needed to keep him on my phone. I clicked on Matty’s number and started to text him, “Hey mattycakes, you awake?”. After about 5 minutes of nothing, I chalked it up to him sleeping. Bummer, but good they both need their sleep. I clicked on Jamie’s number. Would he answer me? Would he answer my questions? It took me about a half-hour of setting my phone down, picking it up, and setting it back down for me to finally send him a text.

Sending “Hi” first. So dumb, but what else am I going to say… It is not like I have been the nicest to him since I woke up… I have made things even more awkward than they already were… I waited about 10 minutes at the point of giving up when I got a response from him. “hi.” Ugh well, this was going to be a fun conversation…

“You’re avoiding me… I know I haven’t been the most welcoming but… I guess I am sorry.”

“…you guess?”

“Yeah. It is not like I didn’t have the right to be… or did you forget?”

“Listen, I am not avoiding you. I am respecting your wishes to not be near someone you hate so much. I do remember, but I also know I have spent the last 4 years since the fire trying to fix it… even if you were in a coma. If you need something, then it is okay to text me but please I do not want to argue or be talked down to… I’m trying Mari…”

“It is Amara please… but yeah I do need some questions answered… If you do not mind telling me. Everyone is tip-toeing around me, and it is driving me nuts. Making it extremely hard for me to accept what and what is currently happening… If you say no… I honestly do not know what I will do.”

“sure… do you want to text still or would you like me to come in and speak with you. I will do whatever you are comfortable with right now. I also cannot promise I have every answer for you, but I will try to answer anything I can…”

“text, for now, I guess. I would like to start with the night of the fire and work my way up… if that is okay?”

“That is fine and go ahead.”

“My mother…she was trapped in my room…she got me out of my room and told me to get the twins out of the house. The flames trapping her in my room. Was she found?”

“Yes, she was found. Not all of her. But enough to lay her to rest. Lillie and Matt put her on top of your father. Lillie said you would have done the same thing.”

“She was right. They loved each other so much. I couldn’t imagine them not wanting to be together in the after… what happened to the impala?”

“It is in storage with the wagon. We did not want it on the road without you.”

“we?”

“the twins and I… we did not feel like it should be out if you were not driving it.”

“you had a say?”

“the twins asked for my opinions in things… I did not ask to have an opinion… they were 10 Amara… I could not say no to them”

“What did the fire department and police find about the fire? Why was Matty burned but Lillie was not…?”

“It was Arson. The case is still open. Matty said little to the investigators. He won't talk to anyone about that night. He said that only you would understand.”

“I do not want to ask it but…Did Matty start the fire…”

“No. Matty saved you all.”

“what do you mean?”

“All we know was not only was he burned that badly, but he had defensive wounds on him. He woke up your mother, who told him to get to his room and wake Lillie. She would meet him and her in their room once she woke you up. He would not confirm if he had been in a fight with someone. But doctors confirmed it while he was in a coma for 8 months. He was so badly injured we were not sure if he would make it.”

“I had no idea… so he was in a coma too? How is that possible? I know I saw his eyes open in your arms…”

“you saw him in my arms…? But umm yeah, he was until we got to the hospital. He was rushed to the OR where he flatlined a few times. They stopped the surgery to wait until he was stronger. When they waited for him to wake up, he never did. He fell into a coma instead for 8ish months.”

“I did not know it was you at the time. Not till Jackie confirmed it. He is okay now right?”

“Medically he has one more skin grafting. After that yes, he has skin treatments nightly at home and will for a long time but medically he is great. Mentally…he is hanging from a thread. He has needed you. They both have. They have been leaning on me and I am afraid I am not good at it. I was having a hard time as well.”

“how long will I be here?”

“I do not know yet. Dr. Minx has not discussed that with me at this time. I would assume Minimum till next Friday.”

“Okay. Well, thank you. I won't keep you from your patients any longer.”

“Anytime Mari, I am not going anywhere… not this time. I will be right here when you need me. Always.”

Not this time…Always. Really? He was not allowed to say that. He couldn’t promise me that. He left me once. I couldn’t…no I wouldn’t believe that he wouldn’t do it again. Actions speak louder than words. Being here for me when I was in a coma is not the same as being there when I am alive, walking around, living my life. And plus he was engaged! How could he say what he did when he thought I was in a coma but was engaged to someone. How could he say that? How could he pull me from the fire? Why was he even there?

I wanted to ask him. I still really do, but did I want to know the answers to my questions? Would he even answer them? For the next 3 hours the questions ate at me. I knew that if I was going to allow myself to move forward… I didn’t just need the answers from the night of the fire. I needed answers from Jamie.