Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Four

Accepting

Amara’s Pov

          “Mari, hey you in there?” I felt my shoulder being tapped and a male voice. I smelt the rain. Matty! Matty was here! “Stop it now Matthew! Do not force her awake! Especially when we do not know how much was told to her this morning.” Lillie had a distaste for her words. Was it directed at Matty? No, it couldn’t have been. “Are you going to make me leave again? Oh, come on Lillie! I want to see her! I understand I am not eye candy, and I do not want to send her spiraling again for the fourth time… But I want to see her…” It was silent for a moment

“…ugh. Fine, I will go wait in the café or something… just let me know when I am allowed to see her…” he sounded so defeated. This angered and pained me. Why was Lillie not letting me see him?!? This was not fair to Matty or me. I used my anger and pain aches in my chest to wake up. I shifted my head slowly towards the footsteps leaving? “Matty?” I choked out. Trying to focus more on the now frozen figure at the door. Was that My Matty? He was so tall and… Lillie cut off my thought. “Mari! You’re awake! Go get her nur…”

 I snapped my head at her giving her my be quiet now looks. I turned my head again and tried to sit up, Lillie was now helping me sit up. I watch the tall figure by the door stand frozen, unsure if he should keep walking or turn around.

“Matty, is that you?” I watched his body tense up. “Please don’t go. I have been wanting to see you…” Still unmoving…almost waiting for… “Matty, turn around. It is okay, maybe it is time.” I looked at Lillie confused by her words to him. Looking back at my now little big brother, he was tall before the fire but now he had at least a foot and a half on me. I watched the almost 7-foot-tall figure turn around slowly to face me. Keeping his head down. I was dim in my room, so it was hard to see him from that distance. “Matty,” I said to him as I patted the bed by my knees. Giving him the cue to come to sit with me.

He made it to the bed in a few easy steps. Still hiding from me. “Why are you not looking at me? Listen you guys I understand everyone wants to tip toe around me but can we not…please. The only way I am going to be able to accept all this is if you both give it to me straight from now on okay. I won’t say that I will not freak out. I am positive I will in most cases. It is going to be a continuous amount of information, but I can take it okay. So please. Matthew Decker Mazen, sit your big, tall ass down on my bed. Take that hood off and hug me!” With that my brother was embracing me tightly.

He was so fast to hug me I completely toppled back and started to giggle at him. I knew he would be a giant, but I had a bet with mom he would be a gentle one… guess she won that bet. “Mar…” Matty mumbled into my armpit. “yeah Matty? Also please do not hide in there long… I don’t know when my last shower was… hopefully not 4 years ago.” I laughed out, causing my twins to laugh with me. One laugh muffled while the other cackled in her chair next to me. It was so good to hear them laughing. I knew they needed it. Within a minute of laughing, he buries in deeper. “Listen, I do not want to scare you or upset you so do not make me take off my hood, okay?”

I was so confused. Until I remembered how he looked on their bedroom floor the night of the fire. He was burned up. His burns must have been extreme if he thinks he would scare me. Is this why Lillie refused to let him see me? I took a deep breath preparing for what I was about to see. I was not going to take no for an answer. I mentally prepared myself, knowing this would be bad. I slightly looked down at my hidden brother. Who was now neck-deep into my armpit? I pushed him up to face me, struggling a little. He fought me.

I pulled back his hoody and turned on my nightstand light to see better.  Looking at him for a moment, taking in the young man in front of me. I sighed, “Firstly, Thank you, Lillie. That first day would have been very difficult to process. Not because it is frightening, but because I was not there to hold him when he hated himself. So thank you for that but from now on… do not hide ANYTHING from me okay?” I waited a moment to get a response from her. She kept her head down and whispered okay. “Now Matty, you do NOT scare or frighten me. You are still as handsome as ever and I am jealous because you can legit ignore people and get away with it.” I said starting to laugh as they joined in with me. I turned more serious,

“I cannot even imagine what you have gone through. I am so sorry you had to do it alone. From now on you never will again. Looks mean nothing, your heart and soul matter, and those are award-winning items when it comes to you, Matty. I never want to see you trying to hide again. If the world does not see that you are B.E.A.U.TI. FULL, well then they can get f****d!” He slammed into me once again, knocking the wind out of me. I started to laugh again and kissed him on his head. The next few hours the twins told me how school was. What they have been up to the last 4 years. Matty told me about his surgeries and skin grafts. We just sat talking and laughing like nothing ever changed…

Jamie’s pov

          Walking out of the hospital, out of her room was difficult for me. Luckily for me, I moved into an apartment complex close by. I was within walking distance. I still had my 1967 Shelby gt500 super snake. I got it for myself on my 16th birthday. I just refuse to drive it here in LA. I remember Sharing every birthday with Amara since our birthdays are a day apart. But for my 16th birthday, she had planned it all out and surprised me. I had Practiced that morning. When I got home, I was completely caught off guard. I walked into her, friends, and our families shooting confetti guns at my face.

The only person that was not attempting to take my eyes out was my dad and Troy, Mari’s father. That’s when I heard the purring of a 427 FE GT40 outside the front door pumping a whopping 650hp. Amara locked eyes with me. Her dark Chocolate eyes filled with excitement and lust. Her love for cars out weights mine by far. From what I knew about the first 6 years of her life, was full of classic cars. Her first ride was in a 1963 Shelby Cobra 260ci. So hearing that purring 427 FE GT40 outside made her glow. She was effortlessly beautiful. She was not 14 yet, not till tomorrow, so she was not wearing any makeup, she did not need it.

          She grabbed my hand, ripping me around and out the door. We both stopped in our tracts, frozen in place. If time were to stop; it had been that very moment. At this point, a few things were happening. Firstly, Mar was screaming, jumping up and down. Clapping her hands so hard that I thought they would begin to bleed if they weren’t already bleeding. Secondly, Troy and my dad were getting out of this beautiful Glassy grey ash with two charcoal straps from the grill to the bottom of the bumper. This masterpiece had a neon green; my favorite color; bow on the top of it.

          My eyes had not moved from the work of art in front of me to notice my dad was now standing next to me. A hand on my shoulder and the other holding keys out for me to take. It was not until Mari screamed with excitement in my face did, I snap out of my trance to notice the keys now in my hands. I looked at my dad puzzled. “but…dad… this is a million-dollar car…” we had money but not that kind of money. “Let's just say it was a joint pull-in for the funds,” Troy said to me smiling and winking. Willow would have loved it.

          I finally reached my apartment door when it swung open and out jumped Ally. “Jamie! Oh, I heard the amazing news! She is awake! How is she? How is she handling everything? Can I meet her?” The questions from her just kept flowing out of her. “Ally, can I come in here first and sit down, please? I had a really long night…” hopefully she caught the exhaustion in my words. “Oh. Uhm, yeah. Of course babe. Come in and sit down. I will stick to one question for now… do you want anything?” she said sounding defeated.

          “Actually, I kind of just want to go to bed? Jackie let me come home an hour early to rest a little bit longer. It was just a draining night for me, us all.” She stood silently and just nodded. We work different shifts. Normally she is gone by the time I get home, but I came back a little over an hour early so she was finishing up getting ready, I assume, before she left. She walked with me silently to our room. I did not even care I had my scrubs on still, the bed was calling my name. “Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow when you get home from work? I’m pulling a double tonight so I can have the day off with you tomorrow.” Saying as If it was okay.

          We are engaged so it really should not be a question. I could see why it was though. After almost 5 years of being engaged, it was a wonder why she was still trying to make it work. “Yeah, that should be great Ally. I will see you tomorrow.” “I love you, Jamie.” She said quietly as she walked out of the room. I did not respond though I knew I should. I did love her, but I wasn’t in love with her. It was why I went back to Parker the night of the fire. I had gotten home sometime around 10 or 11 pm. I had spent the last few weeks going back and forth in my head about Mari showing up at my dorm room.

          Seeing her walking to her dad's Impala. She grew into the perfect curves that she hated. She always said they made her feel bad about herself, but she was only 115lbs at most. Medically speaking she had been about 10 lbs. underweight. I had been fighting with how I would handle the information. I had just gotten engaged to Ally. It seemed right, I loved her, we were happy. Things made sense with her, but she wasn’t Mari…I went home to face Amara. It felt almost wrong that I was keeping Ally as a back-up plan. It was not far to her, and I think she knew she was always going to be second until Mari left the physical world.

          I wanted to just talk with her, to see if she could ever forgive me and explain myself. I was going to climb up the tree and go through her window like I always had done in the past. It was when I was on my way down to her house that I saw the red and orange light, smelling the smoke. I had taken off running to her house. Miss. Millie was already outside in the yard with other neighbors. That is when I saw her, falling to her knees. She had just dropped the twins to the ground after the house shifted.

          My chest tugged so painfully towards her. There was so much smoke around her. I could see the flames coming around her. I noticed Lillie was not moving only watching the roof and makeshift rope that was now down with her and Matt. I knew the roof would be caving in soon. The twins needed to move, and it was almost like Lillie knew what I was thinking and began moving her brother away from the enflamed porch. She was not moving fast enough. It was not until I got to her and matt had I even noticed miss. Millie and I ran over to help them. Miss. Millie grabbed Lillie by the waist and pulled her to the road.

 I reached down and picked up matt, cradling him in my arms as I ran back to the road. Turning to see Mari was on her hands and knees gasping, choking for fresh air. Lillie was crying out for her, and my chest was about to explode from her still being up there. I needed to get her, but I could not just lay matt down. I was thankful when the Paramedic came up behind me taking matt from my arms. I then hear the cracking. The house was coming down. I sprinted to the porch as the balcony roof was coming down.

It is a little fuzzy from there but the next thing I know I see her free-falling into the flames and then there she was in my arms as we tumbled down in the front yard. The Firemen were there in a moment grabbing and pulling us away from the house. It was then that the house came completely down. Watching it come down as I was being pulled away, I saw Emily, Mari’s mother. She was standing amongst the flames in the twin's room watching us. It happened all so fast, I tried to get back to the falling house to get her, but the firemen had a good grip on me.

I saw her nod at me and smile. She was in the room! We could get her! I knew we could, I could. The house was finally down, it looked like a giant bonfire. Not that of the beautiful house it had been just an hour prior. I fought the firemen and officers that now were trying to subdue me. Trying to tell me Emily was right there we needed to go grab her. I could not leave her to burn alive. They all agreed they did not see anyone in the window, but I knew what I had just seen. No one believed me. A few days later the officers told us that Emily was found behind the back of the house.

          From how the house fell and lay out of the rooms in the house. Emily had been in Amara’s room when the flames took her. This had made no sense to me because I had seen Emily as clear as Ally just was before heading to work. After that, I focused on school and working my way to my residence at the hospital. I wanted to stay close to her. That was also the push for Ally and me to get an apartment close to the hospital, so I could be close to Mari. Ally was a great person, she truly was. I could have been happy with her had my past not caught up with me. It had though, I could not be selfish any longer. I needed to let Ally go.

……

I hadn’t even noticed that I had drifted off to sleep until my alarm sounded in my ear at 630pm. I knew I wanted to get to the hospital early. So I set the alarm then instead of 430pm like I normally do. I grab snacks to hold me over until my lunch break. I jumped into the shower and cleaned up before I left. I did not want to smell or look like s**t in front of Mar. I started to walk out of the apartment when I decided to leave a note for Ally saying, “We can grab an early dinner tomorrow and talk. =]. See you then. Sleep sweetly. – Jamie”. I knew what I wanted to talk to her about, but I did not want to do it in a way that made the last 6 years of being with her seem like it meant nothing to me.

I did love her, I always would, but I was not in love with her. I knew Amara was not going to just welcome me with open hands. I could accept and respect that, but I knew I was never going to stop trying. The fire made one thing very clear to me. My world was nothing without the gravity holding me in place; Amara was that very gravity. With my finalization, I walked out the door and to the hospital, to Amara.

I arrived at the hospital at 715pm ish. I was an hour early. I decided to stop at the café before heading up to the 5th floor. Grabbing a few snacks to hold me over. “Hey, Jamie!” I was stopped in line to pay by Jackie. She looked exhausted. “You okay Jackie? Have you even left yet?” Confused because she was supposed to leave by 9. She was pulling a double since Mike the 2nd floor PA could not make it in. “Nope and won't be leaving till tomorrow. I am going to be taking naps all night in the staff room. So just grab me if you absolutely need me okay? Dr. Minx will be on call tonight also. So you can always grab him also.” “Yeah, I can do that. I will catch you upstairs. I just wanted to grab some snacks and run-up to the floor. Maybe do a few drive-byes of her room.”

Catching my smirk as I turned around, I heard her yell at me, “Hey, Jamie! She is awake and laughing with the twins.” Relief washing me over as I walked into one of the C wing elevators. She is awake and laughing with the twins. I was happy she was happy, and the twins were laughing. The last 4 years watching them, sure there was love, especially between the twins. There was also no laughter and darkness that hung over them. I saw the hope fad from Matt’s eyes a little over a year ago, but he held on to Lillie’s hope. About a month or so ago I saw Lillie’s hope start to fade.

It broke my heart. I did not want her to lose hope. If she lost hope I could lose Amara. I was not ready to lose her. 3 days ago at the end of my shift, Dr. Minx spoke to the twins and Miss. Millie again about how there was no change since 2 years ago. Lillie and Dr. Minx were arguing about her not waking up. Lillie wanted to understand why. Amara’s charts had a blimp, there was movement, but as soon as it showed up it went away and did not happen again until 2 days ago. I had worked up the nerve to talk to her, begging her to wake up. I even grabbed her hand, kissing it a few times.

Her fingers started to twitch, and the machines started to go off. My focus shifted to her face. There was muscle movement, jumping up I hit the alarm to notify the floor, nurses, and dr. Minx. Hearing her now start to move her head I shift my focus back to her. Calling to her to wake up. Nurses came barreling in with a crash cart and meds incase anything was needed. Coma patients never have the same experience waking up, but most have the reaction of fear, Amara was no different. Except I did not see just fear in her eyes when she shot up, I saw something else.

          She was looking past me and the others towards the windows. Trying to get herself to whatever she was looking at. The nurses were having a hard time trying to keep her down, so I ran over to one of the carts grabbing 4mg of Ativan and getting the needle into her IV line by her hand. I do not like giving a drug that fast or close to the vain, but we needed to calm her down. She went limp and the nurses laid her back down, fixing the pillow under her head. I hated how that wake up went but without the twins here, mainly Lillie and her Calming presence, that was bound to happen.