Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Three

Awake

Jamie’s POV

          I heard Amara's yelling coming from her room. She was clearly upset. I know she does not want me around her, but I needed to make sure she was okay. When I got to the door, she was repeating “4 years” in a panicked tone. Lillie asked the staff not to talk to Amara without her there to reel her back into reality. The twins grounded Mari. It has always been this way; from the moment they were born. She gravitated to her siblings, to make sure that if they needed her, they had her. I admired that about her. She began to shake uncontrollably, Jackie was frozen. This angered me. If she was not going to try to reel Mari back in after spilling the beans to her, then she had no right spilling them in the first place! I ran over to Amara and grabbed her face, hoping I could get her to focus.

          It was not helping at all… Stupid! Why did I even think I could snap her out of this state. She hated me with a passion. For good reason, I left her when she needed me most. I could not blame her. I regret not staying, to be there for her. I was selfish only thinking about my own past. The death that would always haunt me. Watching her break from the loss of her father was too much for me. I couldn’t be there for her like she had been for me. I leaped at the chance to start in UCLA’s accelerated program. Leaving her behind, the complete opposite from what she had done for me the first time I met her. A 6-year-old chasing a husky puppy down the road. I was in my yard playing catch with my uncle Shawn when I saw her. My mom had told me, Uncle Shawn, and my dad about the family that just moved in down the road. That they had a little girl a few years younger than me and twins on the way. I didn’t care for girls. They whined A LOT!

          Wait! That is when I knew what I needed to do to pull her back to reality. I kneeled in front of her and wrapped my arms around her soft curvy framed waist, I missed the warm honey scent she had. Shaking off the thought I held her tightly. Beginning to plead with her, “Mari! I need you to listen to my voice. Please! I know you hate me, but for now, I need you to focus on my voice.” I prayed this would work. Relief washed over me for a brief moment when I felt her body still and attempt to focus on me. Her mind would not let her very long, she hated me.

I was causing her more and more distress. I did have her attention, I just needed to shift the focus from me… but to what. That’s when I heard Mari cry out in anger and pain, “Let me go! Let me go now, Jamie! I cannot do this! I want to go home!” “Amara! Please! You can’t! Look at me! Please!” I begged again with her. Then those beautiful dark chocolate eyes, I missed them so much, locked eyes with me again. I took this opportunity to pull her back. This time using Lillie to my advantage. I lower my tone of voice, steadying my rate of speech for her in a calming way. “Amara, you need to calm yourself. Do not wake Lillie and scare her more. Breathe for your sister. You are okay. You are safe here.”

Her eyes filled with sadness, telling me she was snapping herself out of it. I did not care I could not do this by myself. I understood her pain towards me. I would make it up to her somehow, someway. For now, I needed her to focus on Lillie. I could see she was fading her body was stilling, growing heavy for her. That was okay I had ahold of her. I would not let her crash down. I didn’t let her the night of the fire, I would not now. Tears fell down her face softly now, leaving heavy eyes. She spoke one last time. This time softly and breathlessly, “Please, don’t let me go…”. This tugged at my chest and I wanted to make her pain go away.

I knew Amara’s sleep taking her cut her sentence off to what she was really saying to me, to the open hospital room. I didn’t care that it was not for me I spoke anyways in a reply to her now unconscious peacefully beautiful body in my arms. “I won’t this time…” I meant this reply wholeheartedly. I spent over 2 years regretting what I had done to her. For a year she had texted, called, email until they stopped… after her 17th birthday. A year later after her 18th birthday, she went as far as driving to campus to look for me. I was in my dorm room when she came to the door. My roommate was in class, so I sat there quietly by the door. Praying Mikey didn’t come back during his free period today.

She knocked 5 times, even sat down outside my door for what felt like forever. Feeling her lay her head against my door. I knew I was a coward. I heard her take in a deep breath sliding a letter under the door. Getting up and walking away. I jumped up, running over to the window. Hoping seeing a glance of her would give me the courage to go talk to her. I missed my best friend. We had planned on coming to UCLA together. She wanted to be a world-renowned criminologist. I hated to think she wanted to work side by side with monsters. To be inside their minds, but like her mother, she was caring, and she could see the pain in everyone. She wanted to save the world.

Thinking that if she could figure out how to break the cycle of abuse, she could rid the world with at least half of the monsters going forward into the future. I admired her but was scared for her. Just looking at her now in my arms, as I lay her down slowly back onto the hospital bed. She looked so fragile, and small. Nothing about her had seemed to change, it was as if she had frozen in time. She looked the same as she did that day, she came to see me. I waited for her to walk out of the building. Luckily, my room was dark, and the sun was setting on the other side of the building so she would not be able to see me. I watched her finally exit the dorms. Her long chocolate hair was down, gliding a crossed her bareback. I can laugh about it now, but I was irritated she wore that nothing of a tank top to the campus. She knew I hated it.

In theory, I did not actually hate it, she knew it too. It hung on her perfectly. A piece of fabric that could have easily been mistaken as a hanker chief with thin straps that wrapped around her shoulders only. Leaving her back completely open to the world. The thought of guys watching her curves and open back upset me. I knew what they would be thinking. I had no right to feel that way though. I had turned her away multiple times over the years. I had not wanted to ruin our friendship. I did not want to ruin her. Not noticing I had even laid my head down on the bed beside her, I felt a handhold my back. I sat up quickly remembering I was still working. It was Jackie touching my back. Remorse for what she had done written all over her face. “Jamie, go home. I called another med. Student in to finish up this shift with me. It is okay. You should go home and rest. I will see you back here tonight.”

 Seeing my face was a mix of questions, statements, and concerns for Mari and my patients she patted my shoulder; typical medical move; in reassurance, “Jamie it is okay, and know I am very sorry for what just happened. Take your time in here but please go home and rest.” I nodded at her and laid my head back down on Mari’s bed, deeply exhaling a breath I did not even know I had been holding in… I should leave but I do not feel comfortable leaving now. Not until Lillie woke up or Miss. Millie came to check on the girls. One of them needed to know what just happened. Ugh… Lillie was not going to be happy with this. Hopefully, Jackie does not run into her before she has a chance to calm down. When it came to Amara, Lillie was in charge and she made sure everyone knew this. What she said went. No one was supposed to say anything without her.

I waited another hour till it was just after 8 am. I did not want to wake her up knowing she needed sleep just as much as Mari did. So for the last hour, I just watched Mari sleep peacefully. Thinking about the day at campus, going back over to the door after she got into her car and drove off. Opening it and reading the words, “I got in. Always.” She had come there to tell me she got into UCLA and was going to start in the Fall. The same feelings that flew through me with those 4 words, were swimming in me now as I watched her sleep. Her face drifted down towards me, letting her face get partially covered by her soft chocolate hair. Smiling at the movement, I lifted my hand to her face pushing the hair back. “Did she wake at all?” came a soft sleepy voice. Causing me to look up at Lillie peeking up at me.

Now giggling at the realization that she not only caught me watching her sister sleeping but had made me jump. Tossing the empty and clean plastic bedpan at her, “I'll only tell you if you promise to act rationally.” She gave me a sour look but then softened her gaze at me. “Okay, just please give it to me straight.” Saying with a firm voice. I looked down then back at Lillie. Feeling it would be better if I went to her to tell her what happened a few hours ago, I got up pulling my chair with me. Placing it in front of her I sat down. Seeing my seriousness, Lillie sat up and waited for me to speak. “Lil, I need you to understand something. As medical providers, we are there for those in our charge. We do not lie to them, knowing it can make matters much, much worse. With that being said know I am sorry for what happened but know at the moment Mari is okay.” Grabbing her hands locking her eyes and emphasizing “is”.

I paused for a moment to give her a moment to hear what I just said. She gave me a slight nod, telling me to go on. “Amara woke up a few hours ago. A nurse told me. When I went to check on her, she was silently watching and admiring your sleep. When I announced myself she was not happy. She asked for someone else to do a workup, so I went and grabbed Jackie. At this time I was out at the nursing station typing up notes that Amara woke up. I do not know what exactly Jackie said but I want to say it was for how long she had been in a coma.” At this point, I could see the anger rising in her eyes that were now facing out the open door. She went to stand up when I grabbed her arm to reassure her. “Lillie, remember what I said at first? Please let me finish.” With that she sat back down no longer looking and me or the door but, on her sister, sleeping. Faintly saying “So she knows?”

She now looked so pained. I just wanted to hug her. I felt the same way when I stepped back into the doorway and saw Amara. Opting to just reach for her face, turning her to meet my eyes because for this part I needed to see she understood this part. “I do not know what she knows exactly. I do however know that whatever it was…upset her. Before you ask, no per your request I did not use a needle to knock her out again. I made you a promise kiddo. I hugged her tightly and got her to focus on you sleeping. The thought of you calmed her again, and she fell back asleep. It took a lot out of her. I did not want to leave to go home until you woke. That way I could tell you.” Her blue eyes were filled with anger and sorrow but understanding. I was thankful for that, otherwise, I would need to go hide Jackie…

With this small amount of reassurance, I needed to not fear for Jackie’s life. I got up kissed Lillie on the head and began to walk out. I was stopped with hands wrapping around me from behind and a muffled voice. “Thank you, Jamie.” I giggled. “You are most welcome Bean.” With using her hated nickname I have pushed away with a grunt of whispers of her saying I ruined it. Hahaha. I turned to laugh at her, “Oh come on Bean! Hugs?” she came back with a punch to my arm and a laugh. It was nice to hear her laugh again. She hadn’t laughed since before the fire. I get my last hug and turn to get to the door. “She doesn’t actually hate you yeah know? She loved you… It was all over her diary. I certainly never read.” She said with a wink. I smiled back at her, nodding at her, glancing one last time at Mari, and walked out to go home.

Amara’s pov

The empty darkness seemed less dark this time around, but I was still alone. Even though I did not want to come back here, Jamie was right. I did not want to take the chance and wake up my peacefully sleeping sister. My state of mind at that moment was not something I wanted her to see. She had already gone through so much pain. She was still silently suffering. So I welcomed the empty with open arms.

   It gave me time to think and work through everything that I was told. I don’t even know where to begin. I had been what sleeping? Is that what I am doing now, just sleeping? Is this vastly open empty darkness a holding place for me while I sleep? It seemed silly when I think about it. One thing is for sure, whatever this place is, it is not the after… not like what mom and I always believed.

    Mom! I know I heard her the first time. When the first pulling started. I heard her talking to me, calling me to her. I saw her and dad clear as day. Until they disappeared in front of me. They were together! I know I saw them, and they were together! Hope. That was all I needed to know that I would see them again. For the twins to see them again.

My mom pulled me from the darkness. A smile clearly covering my entire face. I was that creepy purple striped cat from Alice in Wonderland. She was with me. Always. This made me feel less alone here.  The place I have called my home for 4 years now. 4 years. It was really hard to think about it. I missed out on so much with the twins. I do not even care about what could or should have been with my life. The moment those flames took my mother, the twins were my life, my entire life. I know that my mom’s will had given me a choice to raise them or let Miss. Millie raise them.

Mom knew better though; she knew I would choose the twins over my own life. College would have to work with me being a working mom, or I would not do college. From this moment on that thought is how I would proceed. I would ask Miss. Millie, who I know has guardianship of them at the moment, for custody of the twins. I have already missed so much, and I refuse to miss anymore. Starting with finding my brother, and why he was not there when I woke up the second or third time. It was not like him to not be there.

I ached at the thought of him trying to hide from me. I had to force the 20 questions I had for him the night of the fire. I had so many when I saw his body burned. I pushed them aside, they did not matter, Matty mattered. I wanted to see him. I wanted to smell the chaotic smell of my bother. The smell of rain at nighttime. The twins were the complete opposite. Lillie was light and free, Matty was dark and closed. They almost canceled each other out. It is why I could not understand why he was not with her.

I want to understand why he was keeping away from me, away from his other half. I will get to the bottom of this as soon as I could. I would even get to the bottom of why Jamie was here. Where was here? He went to UCLA, which was 5 hours without traffic from Parker, AZ. Which was not likely Since LA traffic is the worst. Coming from a small place like parker, population 3,000, LA seems perfect. Especially for what I wanted to do in my future. The mixture of cultures and sub-lives made for a fascinating mixture of crime. I wanted to be a criminologist. The study of crime and the individuals who run through it.

I wanted to break the cycle of the chain that circles around crime. My mom and dad hated the idea of me going off to UCLA alone. Until we found out that Jamie got accepted for a Bachelor of Science in Microbiology, Immunology, and Molecular Genetics. He got accepted junior year, his SAT score was a perfect 1600 at the end of sophomore year, right after we found out about my dad. I knew he had the opportunity to graduate 4 to 5 months early, what I didn’t know was that is what he was doing. I was there every September 13th for him. I would go as far as sleeping over. Ending in me holding him tightly, bringing him back to reality when he would wake from the nightmares.

He lost his sister a few years prior to meeting me. Their cat got out and she chased him into the road. Whiskers survived; Willow was pronounced dead on the scene. A drunk driver ran into her at 55mph in a 25mph zone and drove off. He told the judge he thought he hit a wild animal and thought nothing of it. Jamie was there to see it all. So the day he met me, watching me chase Maxie down the road as he says, “Stopped his heart, and the only way to start it was to save me.” So every year I was there. Holding him tightly around his waist reeling him back into me.

It's why even now, knowing he saved me, yet again, did not phase me. I did not think I could be broken any more than I was when my dad passed away. Yet somehow Jamie had broken me to my absolute max. For a year I called, texted, wrote, emailed, I was left with no responses and texts left on read. After a year I had to tell myself to move forward. It was hard but on my 17th birthday I made myself a pact, I would never give him another thought. Until my 18th birthday, my UCLA acceptance packet was hidden away by my mom. She gave it to me on the night of my birthday. I was going to be in his dorms, mere floors away.

After a month of overthinking and yelling at myself, I got up the nerve to go there. Knowing he was taking summer semester, thanks to Mrs. Daniels drunken Wednesday the other night. It felt so alive and buzzing on campus. I was so happy and excited id be there in less than a month, full time. I was scared however walking up to Jamie’s dorm room. His RA told me he did not have classes that day, so he should be in there. I did not know what I was going to say but I would figure it out when I got there. I stood outside the door for a good few minutes, okay 10 minutes, rounding up the courage to knock. I could hear someone was in the room.

Assuming it had been him. *Knock. Knock. * I heard someone still. Clearing my throat, “uhm…yeah. Hello? Is Jamie Daniels in? It is Mari.” A few minutes go by and I thought I had heard someone by the door. *Knock. Knock. * “Hello?” I could have sworn I heard someone in the room before I knocked. I knocked one last time before I decided I would sit outside the door and wait for a little bit. Maybe he ran out to get food, so I wanted to wait. I slid down the door by my back and just sat. That’s when I felt the door gain pressure from the other side. Jamie was in there; he was not going to let me in.

I still waited for about 15 minutes. Knowing for a fact now that he was in there not even two inches from me. I hoped he would open the door. After finally giving up I grabbed a piece of paper from my bag and wrote down 4 simple words. 4 words I thought maybe would pique his interest enough to come out. Maybe call or text me. “I got in. Always.” He never did though. walking out of the dorms I walked to my dad's car; 1967 dusty black, 4 door impala; I felt like I was being watched. I mean I knew I definitely was I was wearing Jamie’s least favorite shirt; cloth as he called it. But this felt different. It was not the normal creep's watching. I turned and looked up towards Jamie’s room and began to cry. He was turning away from the window and waking from eyesight.

He was there. He was watching me leave. I ran to my Impala and sat there for an hour. Hoping that maybe he would come out looking for me, or call me, something. After an hour nothing happened, and I drove the 7 hours; with traffic; home. I decided on my way home that was it, I truly was done holding out the hope of Jamie. I loved him and I knew he loved me. More than he would have ever admitted. He always shot down my advances, but I could tell he did not want to. I could tell he thought of me more than a sister. It was why I had worn that shirt that day. I knew he actually liked it on me.

So to know he was here, in the now, one of my doctors. I was mad. I wanted nothing to do with him.