Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Seven

Jamie’s pov I hadn’t heard from Amara in over 3 hours. She had texted me. Sure it was for answers about that night. It was still something though. I was not expecting her to ask me any of those questions, but she did. After I texted her I waited a few minutes to see if she would respond. When I realized she wouldn’t I went on my rounds. Mrs. James had done the deed we needed her to. Thank god. Her Colonoscopy was scheduled at 7 am. I wish her good luck before leaving. Since I had the next few days off. I was leaving her room when I felt my phone go off… It went off 3 times. I reached for it seeing all three messages were from Mari. “Jamie… I need to know… Why save me the night of the fire? When you couldn’t even open the door to your dorm. Instead of only watching me leave from your window…” I dropped my phone in the hallway. She knew I was in my room. She saw me watching her. How!? It was dark from where she could see from. The shadows would have hidden me… My chest started to pound. How do I answer that? Could I? The simple answer…Because I can not live without her. I was in love with her. It just took me watching her leave, and then a few weeks later watching her free-falling in the flames for me to admit it. I couldn’t tell her that? How could I? Next thing I know here I am in front of her hospital door. The door was partly open. I saw her sitting on the bed cursing at herself. Clearly upset that she had sent me the text. Right then I knew I needed to look her in the face and tell her. I opened her door and shut it. No one needed to hear this conversation. I had told Jackie and Dr. Minx about the questions from earlier in the texts so I was sure they would not come in. Thinking I was probably answering more questions. I was but not the ones they thought I was. I felt her eyes on my back. She had still in her bed. I did not want to upset her, because I am sure it will upset her. I would be ready for it, but if she needed this to help her move forward. I would give that to her. I turned and faced her, locking my eyes with hers. She was so beautiful. Her demeanor said she was calm, but her dark chocolate eyes lied. Amara was scared, confused, and hurting. Quietly I spoke, “If you really want that answer. You have to allow me to tell it to you, to your face.” With her head nod in agreement, I took my strides to her bed. Glancing down to the side of her bed.  Asking permission to sit. Another nod from her and I sat down on the side of the bed. “I need you to agree to not say a word until after I finish. After that, I will let you punch, smack, shun, yell, scream. Anything you would like to say to me id let you. No holding back.” Another nod. I breathed in and slowly let it back out. I was scared but I felt I was about to get my only chance to say this to her. “To understand my reasoning I need to tell you why I left. Simply put…I left because I was a coward. I could not face another death. Not if you were not there to hold me still, to keep me in reality. I had become so dependent on you for those times. I had no idea how I could even start to do that for you. I loved him too and I was feeling the aftermath of the loss of Troy. I was selfish and it was not fair to you. You called me 3 times the night of his funeral. I just watched as you called and hung up, calling again. I was scared, that you would see I was not good enough to be there for you as well as you were for me. So I ran, leaving only a stupid email. After that I could not face you again… so I never came home, and I focused on school. Reading every letter and text, email from you. Listening to every voicemail up until they stopped. It was difficult after that but made not coming home that much easier for me. I had nothing holding me back there. You had finally let go of me. I would respect that because I was a coward. Then you showed up at my dorm room door. I froze, I did not know how to walk to the door to open it and face you. When I heard you sit down, I sat with you. I wanted to be next to you. I wanted to open the door and just hold you, begging for forgiveness. Again knowing I did not deserve to do that. I was a coward. So I just sat with you until you left. I should have picked up that note before going to the window to wait for you to walk out. I just wanted to see you one more time. You looked amazing. You were wearing that stupid cloth. When you go far enough, I looked back at the note and I went to it. I am assuming that is when you looked up to see me. I saw that you waited in your car. But I felt it was still too late. I fought with myself for the next few weeks until after my last final. I had a few weeks before next semester. I decided to come home and face you. I could not live to hold myself back anymore. I wanted you. No…I needed you, Mari. I could never think you would ever want me near you again. I was still going to try. When I got home, I put my things in my room and showered getting ready to come to your house. I was going to come up into your window. Like I used to. I had it all planned out. When I got to the road, I saw the flames, smoke, and Miss. Millie screaming and running a crossed the road to the house. Mari when I got to your house you had dropped to your knees, dropping the twins. I felt myself breaking. I thought I was losing you. It wasn’t until you started laid down that I needed to find someone to take matt so I could go get you. As soon as I passed matt off the porched cracked. You were going do. I could not lose you, Amara. I needed you like we need air to breathe. I needed you to fight so I could have a chance to fix what I broke. Amara, had I not saved you, I would have nothing to live for. I would not have wanted to live. That is why I showed up and why I saved you after not opening that dorm room door. But I am glad that I did not open it. I will never fully regret it. If I had opened that day, I would not have been home. If I had not been home, you would not be here. I would not be here.” I looked down with my last word. I meant it. She was my everything and she deserved the truth. She sat quietly. I could feel her staring at me, but I could not look at her. I was going to let her do and say what she needed to. Like I promised her. After about 10 minutes she finally spoke. “I heard you.” The confusion caused me to spring my face up to meet her eyes. She repeated, “I heard you. You woke me up.” I had read about coma patients hearing loved ones often even responding in some form. Some even waking up. But that was the first time I had talked to her. Touched her. Been that close to her in years. “I don’t understand. You heard me?” “Yeah, you were calling out to me…to wake up. That you needed me to wake up… that you…that you loved me. I used your voice, your touching of my hand to focus myself and pull myself awake.” She dropped her gaze from mine. Her cheeks flush. Hope. There was hope. Amara’s POV I dropped my face from his. He seemed so happy, hopeful even. I did not understand the response he had. The bimbo said he was engaged. “Oh by the way. Congrats on your engagement. I can not wait to hear all about it. Can I meet her?” I felt his body still for a moment and I looked back up at him. He wore confusion and guilt all over. “oh, um was I not supposed to know?” I asked apologetically. “No, it is okay. I just did not know you knew is all… Ally is great. We met about a year after I left Parker. I proposed about 10 months later…” so they have been engaged for about 4 to 5 years? You would think they would be married by now. Maybe she is still in school. “Do you guys have a date picked out? I bet it will be a spring wedding. That was always your favorite time of the year.” Why isn’t he looking me in the eyes? I was so confused at this point. “we do not have to talk about it. I can see I have made you uncomfortable now. So have you spoken to Dr. Minx yet on how long I will be in here? I would like to get out soon. Visit my parents and speak to the investigator on the fire case.” He perked up with this question. Hmm. He was not telling me something, but it was not my place to pry. Even after him telling me everything, confirming he did love me. He wasn’t in love with me though, he was in love with Ally. I could respect that. I knew deep down he would always love me like a sister. He needed me alive like I needed my siblings alive. I could not live without them either. I just hope I got a chance to meet her. I do not know if I was allowed to do that. Were we friends again? Was I okay with accepting his apology? I did understand now. How could he be there for me when he still could not face his sister's death still. Dad was like a second father to Jamie; how could I have been so selfish. Not thinking about how he was feeling also. Yes, I lost my father, I had accepted it. I had still broken when he passed away but for Jamie, it was like losing his sister all over again. “Amara… hey where did you go?” snapping my thought back in place so I could focus on him. “what? Oh sorry, I was just thinking about the fire. Don’t look at me like that okay. I am okay. I just need more information on it.” Hoping he did not see I was lying, that way he did not press me on my thoughts. “I was saying that I can have Miss. Millie call the investigator to come up here. It would honestly be best if he talked to you the first time here. That way if something happens you are safe here and Dr. Minx can help you. As far as the time frame. He was busy so I could not talk to him personally. I did however see his notes he made in your file. He wants you to have a psych evaluation. Calm down breathe. He does not think you are crazy. It is normal for a psych eval before a discharge of a coma patient. Especially if that individual has spent a year or more in a coma. That is scheduled for Monday morning. After that, you have blood work and scans and a gamma lung scan. We do one every month. Your lungs were severely damaged from the fire. I honestly find it amazing you are able to breathe on your own. You have not needed breathing treatments. Normally patients in your situation need them. But over the last 6 months, your lungs started to heal. They were almost at 90% for your last scan. But as soon as he is satisfied you will be okay after release; he will let you out. So my guess is still next week Friday.” That made a lot of sense. And I guess if I had the investigator come here, I would be painfully aware of my limitations of questions from the monitors. “Okay, that’s fine. Yeah, can you have Miss. Millie call the investigator for me. If I was to ask Lillie for the number, I am 100% positive she would not give it to me.” He started to chuckle at that last part, “yeah. She has come into her own, hasn’t she? The once soft-spoken child that used to follow us around now bosses us around.” This time I was laughing with him. He was not wrong. She turned into a spitfire, like the way she went off on me this evening…Shit I still needed to apologize. Catching his gaze again, “Jamie, I am sorry with how I have been treating you. I was confused and hurting when you left. I was not really angry until I went to the dorm and I heard you inside. Your RA told me you were home and I heard you. You let me stand out there and did nothing. You watched me leave. I have been holding on to that anger. I understand now why you left. Do I think it was okay, hell no? But… I was not even giving you a chance to explain. You deserved to give me that explanation. Thank you for giving it to me. I cannot promise this *gesturing between us* will be easy. You hurt me so bad. There will be times I am definitely going to go off on you, but I will try my best not to go over the top. I will make sure I always apologize after. I need you to promise me that you will continue being upfront with me. Do not avoid me, I do not trust your words fully. Your actions will help me with that. Can you promise that.” I hoped he would agree with me. He just stared into me, like he was waiting for himself to wake up from a dream. I guess a part of me felt the same way. It would be nice to have my best friend back. I had lost my mother and I could not lean on the twins. They were forced to grow up so fast. Lillie did not even act 14… she acted my current age. 22. Matty you could tell his string was about to break. I needed to prepare to catch him when he fell. If I was going to take the role that they needed I was going to need someone to lean on. I wanted that to be Jamie…would he stand up for the challenge? Or would he run away like he had before? I guess only time would tell. He caught me off guard with his almost whisper, “Mari…I promise. I am not going anywhere. I promise. Alwa...” he was cut off by a knock at the door. The door slightly opened revealing a small female. She was so beautiful, in a very elegant way. She was holding a dozen beautiful white and lilac-colored water lilies. My favorite, but how? Who was she? she didn’t look familiar at all to me. I noticed how still Jamie had gotten. “Ally. What…?” This was Ally? That explains how she knew what my favorite flowers and colors were. “You haven’t texted back to me all night so I thought I would stop in and check on you. I brought you Oliver’s. It is in Dr. Minx’s office. I wanted to bring flowers for Amara. Water lilies, right? I did not think you would be awake. Eliza, she told me you were awake, and Jamie was in here talking with you. I am so sorry if I interrupted. I will wait out here for you Jamie…” She seemed worried and bad. Apologizing. “Wait! No, it is okay Ally. It is nice to meet you. You must be the fiancée I heard about! Come sit. It is okay. Jamie and I were just wrapping up. I wanted to have some answers to some questions that have been spiraling around my brain since I woke up.” Giving her a reassuring smile. She smiled back walking in and heading over to the chair by me and Jamie, who was now standing up. Ally handed me the flowers. They were really pretty. And smelled amazing to me. “Thank you, Ally, that was really thoughtful of you. They are my favorite. My mother had them all over the house. She said as long as you had bright loving flowers in the house then your life was bright and loving.” Thoughts of my mom stopped me, and my face had dropped down. Tears started to fall. I would never see her coming home with more flowers or out in the garden, calling me over to help her. That was our place. It was the only place we were completely in sync with one another. I was normally out around back with dad in the shop. The garden was our spot. I did not have an “our spot” anymore. She was gone. It was then I was embraced tightly. Jamie had grabbed me, digging into my neck with his face. He must have gathered what I was thinking from my memory of my mother. My chest tugged at him. He felt like warm summer rain. The smell of freshly cut cherry wood and ambers. I loved this smell, his smell. I missed this smell. The smell in itself was calming. I felt my body relaxing, feeling the tug of the empty. I was starting to understand what the empty was. It was a place for me to heal in peace. I hated that I was so lonely, but I was healing there. It was not trapping me like I once thought. “It is okay Mari…sleep. I will be right here.” With his whispered words I drifted off to sleep in the empty. Holding my thoughts of calming and my mother’s soft and bright smile.