Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter One

 The Empty

Amara’s POV

          There was nothing but endless darkness. How long have I been here? Where was here? It was just me in this dark empty opening? That is what it felt like…open. I never felt suffocated or closed off. I just felt like I was in a vastly empty room of darkness. Alone. I don’t understand. Mom and I believed in an after. I mean not your typical heaven and hell situation but an after. Especially after dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. We wanted the twins to believe that dad would not be alone. He would not be in pain. He could visit us always.

          This though was nothing like I imagined. Dad is definitely making jokes right now in his empty? I could hear him now…Oh, my girls, I told you there was nothing after. We live and we die. There is no “after”. He constantly made ass hat jokes when mom and I stayed up late watching our favorite ghost TV shows. We did not care though, we believed and that was all that mattered at the time. Now it just seems silly. “But when…months…turned to…need her…”

          What was that…I continued to look around me in my dark empty room. Nothing was there. “Hello? Who is there?” Walking around for what felt like ages looking for that familiar voice… she sounded in pain. Pain in my chest where my once beating heart lied ached. That’s when I heard her again softly calling my name, “Mari, come back please…don’t...us…” What is she saying? I don’t understand. What is going on? I try to focus on the direction of where the soft voice was coming from that’s when I see it. The tiny white light in the distance. I begin to walk fast to it.

          “Mari, Matty…need you...” Matty? Flashes of the fire come in front of me. Lillie screaming in Miss. Millie’s arms. Reaching for the house. Wait no, she was reaching out for me. Matty laid slumped cradled in someone’s arms. Who was holding Matty’s charred body? Wait his eyes! Matty’s eyes were opening! He was alive. Matty was ALIVE! Mom I did it! I saved Matty and Lil!!! What was that? Was that a glimpse of someone running at the house who was that? I don’t understand what happened after that. I cannot remember. It is just the dark empty again…

          For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I was not feeling alone. Why though? That is when I felt it…my hand. Looking down confused I felt someone holding my hand. “Amara, please hear me. Come back to me Mar. I need you here. I love you…” Wait who was that? That was not the girls’ soft voice. It sounded like a guy…That is not Matty… A tugging in my chest again pulling me forward. I see the distant light again. What is that? This time I am sprinting to the light. Holding on to the tugging in my chest.

          Watching the light grow larger I feel them. I feel… mom, dad! I feel them pulling me to the light. Mom’s voice sounding in my head “Open your eye’s my angel. Open them again. Now! You are meant to live. Not exist in darkness.” I am almost there mom! I hear you! Please keep talking! I scream into the white light in front of me. Finally reaching the light relief washed over me once again. Pain! Oh my god! So much pain! No! What is this? Why does it feel like I have a trillion needles in my eyes? That’s when I see mom and dad! Smiling at me.

          I try to ask if this was heaven when I realize I can’t talk. Something is in my mouth. Ow! More pain. Panic starts and I hear beeping and alarms. Watching my parents smiling faces fading in front of me. Wait no! Please stay! Don’t leave me alone. I try and sit up and reach for them when I feel hands slamming me back down to the bed, I am now aware of under me. What is happening where am I? Where are my parents? Frantically I am looking around, that’s when I see the syringe. f**k! Needle!

          My body starts to fall into a heavy calm. As I slip back into my dark empty room. NO! What just happened? I do not belong here! Why was I brought back here? I fall on what seems like black empty air crying. What is happening to me? What was that back there? That could not have been heaven, but mom and dad they were…but then they were not. They were together. I begin to feel heavy, my body aches. I smell vanilla honey and pressure on my forehead. LILLIE! She is here! My sister is here! “Mari, wake up. Please. I am here now. Miss. Millie brought me. They said you woke up! Please wake up.” Miss. Millie? Wait… she is telling me to wake up. Have I been sleeping?

That is it! I’ve been unconscious!  For how long I have no idea, but my baby sister, my sweet Lillie Bean needed me to wake up. I’m here Lillie, I am coming! What do I do? How do I wake up for her? That’s when I remember how I woke up the first time. I felt someone holding my hand. I focused on that and then the pulling started. I did not know what it was the first time, but I do now! I focus on what has to be her forehead on mine and the pull in my chest begins again.

I see the light again. I run to it. “MISS. MILLIE! GET THE NURSES! AMARA’S EYES ARE OPENING!” The light! It’s me opening my eyes! I pick up speed and burst through the tunnel of light again.  Ow! The pain is back! The wait is that from opening my eyes. I pull my heavy arm and hand over my eyes. “Pull the Shades and Dim the lights! Now!” Someone shouted. I saw what looked like Miss. Millie doing what the person said. This gave me a chance to focus. That’s when I saw her.

A small-framed petite blond sat at my side. Holding my hand. Smiling. Oh, she had the best smile. Unlike Matty, who got mom's need for braces. Lillie got Dad's perfectly amazing teeth. Moms small, framed face and nose and the bluest eyes that will certainly trap some young man’s soul one day. Wait? Where was Matty? He was alive when the darkness took me. Panic began in my chest. Lillie and the Dr. must have noticed and realized what my panic was about. Lillie tightened her hand looking at the doctor for…permission? He must have given it to her because she was looking back at me and ready to reply.

          “Mar, calm down, please. Let me explain…” Her voice was calming; she had this gift of calming. Matty was the chaotic waves during the storm and Lillie was the Calming of that storm. She has always been an old soul, as dad would call it. Something has changed about her though… she seems older. Oh, no the panic was starting again. How long was I out? Why was my 10-year-old sister seeming to act and looking older than she was? She saw the panic and pulled my nose.

“AMARA! Please calm down. Let the doctor look you over really quickly and then we can answer all your questions. Deal?” That’s when I realized I couldn’t talk even if I wanted to… I had a tube running down my throat. Pain. Ugh…I pointed at my mouth with a sour look at my sister. She giggled and the Dr began to speak. “Let me get that for you.” Reaching over towards me he began to unclip it around my head. “Amara, I need you to listen to me. This will be very fast and uncomfortable, but I need you to keep your mouth open and sing or hum whichever feels easier.” He placed his hands on the tube and waited for me to do as he instructed.

It felt weird trying to hum. I actually think I forgot how to until I heard Miss. Millie starts humming the wedding bells song. I started to hum along with her, and the Dr pulled the tube out of my throat and mouth. Lillie started to laugh at me moving my jaw around and making yawning faces. That laugh earned her a sour look from me, and she quickly stopped but kept a smirk. I turned back to the Dr who was glancing me over. This was the first time I actually got a good look at him. He looked oddly familiar…but I couldn’t place his soft black hair pulled slightly back and to the side. His clearly hidden strong jawline by a freshly kept beard.

His eyes though, a deep abyss of golden brown. With a hint of green and amber. I know these eyes… but from where? He did not look too much older than me… third- or fourth-year med student, possibly even on his first- or second-year residency… maybe? Early 20’s? The pull in my chest started again when he locked eyes with me. That’s when I knew who it was. That’s when I realized how long I was out…The fire happened after I turned 18. Summer after high school graduation. I was supposed to attend UCLA to start my journey to becoming a Criminologist.

Jamie was 2 years older than me. He was halfway through his 3rd year of his bachelor's when I graduated. As he got a head start for college and took summer semesters. He was 20 at the time…the man looking at me now looked mid-20s…but no older than 25-years-old. I quickly looked at my sister. She had turned 10, a few weeks prior to the fire. The young girl, no young woman, sitting in front of me looked at max. 15 years old. That’s when I noticed she was much taller, womanly defined, makeup. Mom’s rule was we were not allowed to wear makeup until we were 14. I was out for 4 to 5 years… then there was blackness.