Make an Effort

Chapter 2: Boy

Ethan had decided to sit in the library instead of sitting with his ‘friends’. He wasn’t hungry, and he had a book to read. He could hear a group of students whispering loudly in behind some bookshelves, but he was able to zone them out.

The library was cool, and no one bothered him when he was there. It was one of the newer parts of the school and had fans working constantly to combat the heat. He liked the library, despite the fact he never read many books.

His forearms itched, begging him to scratch at them; he tangled his fingers in his too short hair instead.

His mother had given him a book a few days ago and so far, he was really enjoying it. It was an autobiography about a trans guy transitioning in a religious family and his struggle to come to terms with his religious and gender identities. It was good to see how other people were going through the same thing as him coped, managed, lived.

Of course, it wasn’t entirely the same, his family wasn’t religious, and he didn’t live in America so the information able getting hormones was different, but it was nice to know that he wasn’t alone. That there were other people all over the world who had gone or were going through the same thing as him. He knew it was also a way for his mother to show that she was trying. It was only her, his father and his sister who knew about it and Ethan knew it would be hard for them to talk to the rest of his family about him.

It wasn’t that his family was conservative, it was just that they didn’t like change. Or maybe that was the same thing; Ethan didn’t quite know.

He had only been back at school for a few days and already he had been given a stack of homework and work to catch up on for each subject. Despite this, he hadn’t bought any of it with him to the library. He needed a break. Classes were draining, both physically and emotionally. He kept zoning in and out and he was never able to get down all of the notes, if he even began to write them down in the first place.

His mum had complained to him that Art was just a bludge subject and that he was doing it just to be lazy. In truth that was why he had chosen it initially because he didn’t want to have too many time-consuming subjects like biology and health, which had given him the most amount of work to catch up on and had the largest amount of notes he had to write down. Despite this Ethan had found that drawing in his art journal was something that he could tell Dr. Daniels about next time she asked about his hobbies. He wasn’t any good at it but his Art teacher had told him to keep at it and he would improve.

The scraping of the chair next to him made him jump. He hadn’t noticed that a boy had come to sit next to him.

“What do you want, kid?” He growled, not looking up from his book. He knew it had to be one of the boys from a few years below him.

The shits had been harassing him non-stop since he had come back to school. That was another reason he stayed in the library, no year 9 boy would be court dead in it. His mum had told him to see the counsellor about it, she had said that that sort of thing shouldn’t happen to him. Like he was now above bullying or something. She had said that his sister would have gone to the counsellor. Ethan didn’t try to correct her on this, it had been years since Taylor had gone to school, and she actually enjoyed it. Or at least that’s what she told everyone.

“Kid? I’m the same age as you!” Came a high pitched, indignant voice from behind him. If he was being honest with himself, it sounded like a girl’s voice.

Ethan looked up to see a boy with messy, sandy blond hair. It fell into his eyes and Ethan wondered if he had simply sat in the wrong chair. Despite his assurance that they were in the same year, this boy looked like his was about twelve and sounded like it too. His uniform looked wrong, the boy was wearing a shirt five sizes too big for him and his pants cover his shoes and dragged over the ground as he walked. He looked like a kid dressing in their parent’s clothing.

“Could have fooled me,” Ethan smirked over at the boy, who pointedly ignored his remark.

“They’re talking about you, you know,” the boy pointed over to the group of kids sitting behind the nearest bookshelf. He looked angry like they had personally offended him.

“I don’t care,” Ethan said, turning back to his book. He was now used to being talked about, it was like he was famous. Famous for all the wrong reasons.

“I would care if people talked about me behind my back.” The boy frowned, glaring in the group’s direction.

“Well I’m not you,” he said pointedly, turning to the next page.

“Clearly.” The boy grumbled, slouching down into the chair.

Ethan glanced over at him incredulously. What the hell did this kid think he was doing? Did he know that if he sat with him then he would be talked about as well? Or was that what he wanted? His fifteen minutes of fame? That almost made Ethan laugh, if he was trying to befriend him for that then he was wrong.

“Why are you wearing your jumper? It’s like forty degrees outside.”

That was not the kind of question he wanted to hear. He knew he was getting weird looks from both teachers and students who thought he was crazy to walk around school in a jumper. He had even been told by one of the teachers that he should take off his jumper before he got heatstroke. Ethan thought he would prefer heatstroke to all the questions it would cause, so he kept it on.

“What do you want?” Ethan asked, angrily, slamming his book down onto the desk and turning face the boy. The library went completely silent for a second as the students who were using this time to study looked up from their notes to find the source of the noise.

“I wanted to talk to you,” He whispered through the silence.

“I’m busy.” Ethan was beginning to feel like he should tell the boy to f**k off, he just wasn’t taking the hint.

“I’ve read that book.” The boy said, pointing to the book sitting on the desk. It was very obviously a book about being transgender, after all, if the boy wearing a dress and looking very unhappy wasn’t clear enough, the title ‘how to become a man’ gave the whole game away.

“Good for you.” He snapped, picking the book back up and placing it in his lap as if to hide it.

“So, who do you know is transgender?” He asked, as plainly as if he was asking about the weather.

“What?” Ethan’s heart skipped a beat, he wondered, wildly, if the boy could read his mind. He couldn’t even remember ever seeing this boy before in his life and yet in one small conversation, he was able to divulge more information than his parents had in the past seventeen years.

“It would have to be a friend, right? Do they go to this school?”

“How do you know it’s not a family member?” Ethan asked he was beginning to wonder where this was going. The kid didn’t know the trans person was him, he thought he was reading the book for someone else.

“Because they’d force you to watch a documentary with them, so you can talk about it later, you read books if you don’t understand but can’t just go up and ask them questions. You read an autobiography if you want to hear other trans people telling you their story beat by beat, so you know what your friend is going through and that they aren’t alone.”

“You sure know a lot about this.” He said, sceptically.

“I know a bit about how trans people’s families and friends react when they come out. There are two reactions; deny that being trans is a thing or try to learn as much as they can about other people in the community. It’s a spectrum, really.” The boy said, matter-a-fact-ly. Ethan thought there could only be two explanations for this, he was either really good at bullshitting or he did know what he was talking about. And Ethan needed to know which one it was.

“You’re the new guy, right?” Ethan asked, deciding to extend the olive branch. If anything, the kid knew a lot about transgender stuff and he could always continue to question him for new information.

“Yeah, I’m in your Bio class.” The boy frowned, clearly annoyed that Ethan hadn’t recognized him despite them being in the same class.

“It’s for me, the book, I mean. I think I might be…” he paused, why was he acting like he was so unsure about being trans. He had been surer of himself when he was talking to Dr. Daniels the week before. But now a voice was whispering to him that the boy, who knew a lot about transgender people might be able to tell that he wasn’t. “No, I know I’m trans.”

His voice was firm, more confident than it had been before. He needed to prove to this boy that he was trans, that it wasn’t all an elaborate lie or some phase, like the voices in his head kept suggesting.

You don’t even think of yourself as a she! You’re just trying to come up with a reason why you did it. You’re lying to yourself. The voice grew louder and loud as it repeated itself over and over again. It made his headache after a while. The voice always got worse when he was alone in his room…

The boy smiled widely with large white teeth, he really did look like a kid. Even though he was sitting Ethan could tell the boy was short and his face was rounded and childish. His cheeks were sprinkled with freckles and his hair stuck up at odd angles.

“I’m August, I’m trans too.” He said, holding out a hand.

Ethan felt blown away, no wonder he looks young, He thought, he never went through puberty. His girly voice and baby face suddenly made sense. His weird, mal-fitting uniform was explained as he tried to hide the shape of his body from everyone.

“My name’s Ethan.” He awkwardly shook August’s hand. It felt weird, the only people he’d ever shaken hands with were his dad’s friends or male teachers when he’d come top of the class.

“No, it’s not, you seem more of a Sarah, or a Claire to me.” August joked, giving him a playful nudge with his elbow.

“Yeah, well, I haven’t come up with anything yet.”

“I get you. Coming up with a name is important. It took me awhile to find a name for me,” then, August give out a wild giggle. Ethan frowned at him, wondering if he was even sane “I’ve never met another trans person in real life, do you know how rare it is that there are two trans people in the same year at the same school. The odds are crazy low.”

“It is weird I guess,” Ethan agreed absentmindedly, trying to think if he knew any concrete numbers.

Even with all the information he had researched, Ethan hadn’t found anything concrete about the number of trans people in Australia. The most common fact he had found said that roughly zero-point-nine percent of the population were trans or at least not comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth. That was a tiny amount in the grand scheme of things.

“Do your parents know?” August asked, catching his eyes. He had large brown eyes that seemed to sparkle with joy at meeting another person who was like him.

“Yeah, they’re trying to figure out what to do, it’s hard for them,” he shrugged, that’s what Dr. Daniels had said and although he didn’t fully agree with what she was saying a small part of him, the most rational part told him that she was right. So, on one hand, he wanted to scream that they hated him, that they weren’t doing enough to help him through it. But on the other, he knew they were trying their best and that he was expecting too much of them too soon. It was like Jekyll and Hyde were going at it inside his head and it was given him a headache.

“I can understand that when I first told my Mum she cried, but that was years ago. She’s okay with it now.”

How long have you been, well, like this?” Ethan asked, gesturing to his uniform.

“I came out to my Mum when I was ten, but I had known I was a boy for a long time. I never liked wearing dresses and all my friends were boys. I’ve moved around to different schools a few times and I’ve just worn the uniform I wanted to wear, this school knows but I didn’t tell anyone at my old school. People don’t really care if they see a girl in boy’s pants, I know I’m lucky because of that.” Then, as if realising what he was actually wearing he laughed. “Yeah, my Mum doesn’t have a lot of money at the moment, so I paid for this uniform, so she doesn’t have to worry. Obviously, I get paid minimum wage.”

To show off this fact August spun dramatically, letting his baggy shirt float out around him

“I can’t even imagine wearing a dress to school.”

“Neither could I a few years ago, you just need to really want it and it’ll happen, one day. It took me years to get to this point, you have to remember that, change is hard to make, it’s painfully slow.” August’s expression darkened as if remembering something horrible. It made Ethan think of how he looked back on his darkest hours, with disgust and horror.

Though he wanted to ask him what was wrong, something about his expression seemed private and Ethan felt too scared about offending this boy to ask him anything too personal.

Ethan could tell August was about to tell him more about being trans but before he could his phone started ringing. It was the loud tune of a song that Ethan could remember listening to at some point. August glanced down at the caller id and branched red.

“Sorry, I got to take this, won’t be long,” August said apologetically, but he waved him off, there is no need to apologize for something you can’t control, he thought. Shame Ethan never thought this about himself. He turned away so Ethan wouldn’t read his face but there was something in his voice that he couldn’t quite describe it. The closest thing he could compare it to was fear. “Hey Mum, is something wrong… No, it’s just that you never ring me during school time unless it’s urgent… Oh…Okay, what time do you think you’ll get home? … Sure I can do that… Yes, I won’t forget, I promise… Okay, stay safe… See you.”

“Is your family okay with you being trans?” Ethan asked, shyly.

“Yeah, they’ve gotten used to it by now,” August said distractedly, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Listen, my mum’s working late today so I’ve got to cook tea, that means I should probably do some of my homework now. Want to work on the bio homework together?”

“Sure,” Ethan said, getting up to walk with August towards the lockers to collect their notes. “How did you know we were in the same class?”

“Just because you never noticed me doesn’t mean I never noticed you.” He sounded almost bitter causing Ethan to cringe in shame. It was true. He didn’t notice him, they could have been in the same experiment group for all he knew, and he still wouldn’t have taken note of his presence. He was so wrapped up in his own little world, it was as if no one else really existed at all. “Plus, everyone is talking about you.”

“Yeah, they do that,” he muttered, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.

“I don’t understand. What did you do?” He persisted, asking the forbidden question.

“I think they care more about what I didn’t do.”

“But what-” August tried.

“Look I don’t really want to talk about it if that’s alright with you. It’s your fault you’re hanging out with me, when they start laying s**t on you don’t come crying to me.” Ethan cut in, why did everyone want to know what was going on? Why did everyone want to talk about it? Why did everyone want to ask if he was okay? He was sick of it, he just wanted to talk about something else.

They walked back to their lockers in silence, the sun beating down oppressively on him. Not many students were outside in the heat and the few that were lying under trees, clinging to the shade. It was an odd time of the year to have a heatwave, it wasn’t even Summer anymore yet the days felt like they were getting hotter and hotter.

Ethan had quickened his pace and August trail behind him like some annoying kid. Why the hell had he taken an interest? It wasn’t as if Ethan was that great of a person anyway. August himself had already pointed out that he was selfish. So why did he even bother with him? He was the outgoing new kid, he could become part of any friendship group he wanted and fit in effortlessly.

Dr. Daniels’ voice rang in his head, your goal for the future, get to know people a bit more, begin to build a support group. Make friends was what she was really saying. Stop being so lonely and sad. The opportunity to make a new friend who had no idea who he was and what he had done was presenting itself on a golden platter and he was just throwing it away like he did with everything else in his life.

The locker room was just as hot as it was outside. They both moved off to get their stuff as fast as possible, so they didn’t have to get cooked alive. Ethan realised August’s locker was only a few lockers away from his. How had he never noticed him before?

“Hey, I’m sorry about what I said before,” he said as he leaned into his locker to find his biology homework. It was a daunting task, his locker looked like a paper bomb had gone off in it, despite it being only a few weeks into the new school year.

“It’s okay, I know how you feel, I wasn’t too popular at my old school either.” His face darkened for a moment, a flash of a shadow that Ethan would have missed if he had blinked at the wrong moment.

“Then why did you ask me?” H said before he could stop himself. He threw the book he had been reading into his bag, knowing he wouldn’t have time to pull it out again before he got home.

“I don’t know, I had just heard everyone talking about you and I got intrigued, I wanted to know why.” He laughed harshly at himself. “Selfish isn’t it. You know how a person is feeling and yet you continue to dig the knife in deeper. I’m the one that should be saying sorry.”

“The homework is the one with the DNA strand on it, right?” Ethan asked, wanting to change the subject to something lighter.

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Are you any good at it?” He asked as they walk back to the library with their homework in hand.

August was carrying a large stake of textbooks and folders; he had said that he didn’t want to have to go back before last period. He looked like he was carrying the contents of his locker.

“At what?” August’s voice was a bit muffled by his books and he had to arch his neck to see over them.

“At Bio.” He offered, raising his hand as the top of the stake leaned over dangerously. He caught it just in time and August offered him a thankful grin. It made him warm, a different kind of warmth from the oppressive heat which beat down on them from above. This warm came from within.

“Yeah, I did it at my old school and they were pretty academic, so they were way ahead than this school,”

“I suck at it.”

“Strong words,” he laughed, hitching his books up. “Don’t worry I can help you out.”

They sat back down at the same desk as before and Ethan pulled out a pen, August pulled out a highlighter and began to highlight the questions. Ethan looked down at the first question ‘What does DNA stand for?’. He couldn’t remember what Mrs. Reynolds had said about it and he hadn’t taken down any of the notes. He knew it would come back to bite him but at the time staring out the window was just more appealing.

“You think if I write ‘truth, justice and the American way’ Mrs. Reynolds would let it slide.”

August laughed, looking across at him in amazement.

“You’re kidding right; didn’t you take any notes? It was written on the board the whole lesson!”

“Nope, I don’t even think I looked at the board.” He admitted, glancing over at him, hoping he wouldn’t be disgusted by him.

“When you said you were bad at Biology I didn’t think the meant you were illiterate at it.” He scuffled, looking back at him with mock horror.

“You were warned. So, what do you think, too on the nose?” He shot back in an effort to keep the joke going. He thought that that might be the first time he had made anyone laugh in a long time. It made him free warm inside like even if he was having a bad day, he could look back on it and say he made someone laugh.

“Try Deoxyribonucleic acid,” August laughed, writing down the answer on his own paper and turning it for him to read.

“Say that again but in English,” Ethan said looking down at it, he didn’t think that’s how it was spell but clearly August knew infinitely more than him.

“Oh my God, how did you even pass last year,” his laugh was high-pitched and infectious, making him start to giggle as well.

“Hey, I’m good at other things, I’m just not good with weird long words that make no damn sense.”

“Here, if we finish the homework before last period I’ll give you my notes, so you can copy them down tonight.”

“Look, you don’t have to,” he began, trailing off as he tried to think of an excuse.

“Clearly, I do, I’m doing the whole class a favour, you’re bring down the class average with your truth, justice, and the American way.” August was beginning to get frustrated, his voice rising above polite library volumes.

Ethan suddenly felt a twinge of guilt, he was the one who hadn’t been paying attention in class, he should be using this kid for his notes. That’s not what he wanted. Ever since he come back from the hospital he had been zoning out more and more, and there wasn’t any way to help it, the medication was only making it worse. Sure, his marks were getting dramatically worse and worse, but that was his cross to bear, he should have to leach off anyone else.

Ethan used to be pretty good at Biology, that’s why Mrs. Reynolds had recommended that he take it over Physics or Chemistry. At one point he had been at the top his class. He used to be good at a lot of things; he was good at trigonometry and he could construct a pretty good argument in English if he did say so himself. Not now he could barely concentrate in class, or take down notes, or write anything that was anywhere close to being good. He could tell that if it weren’t for ‘the accident’ they would have all given up on him. He could tell he had really disappointed Mrs. Reynolds and, in his eyes, that’s what made everything so much worse.

“No, I’m the one who didn’t listen, I’m the one who didn’t take down the notes. So, it’s my fault I can’t do the homework.”

“I know that that’s why I’m helping you, you're lucky it was only our first lesson on DNA otherwise you would have had a hell of a lot of catching up to do,” August reassured harshly, shoving his notes towards him, the page was open to the notes on DNA. His notes were perfect, right down to the beautifully drawn and labeled diagrams. Ethan thought that it should be illegal to be that perfect. He probably had a great family and was good at singing and knew a foreign language or something. “Anyway, giving you my book tonight doesn’t hurt me at all unless you lose it on me,” he laughed without mirth, through gritted teeth.

“No, I won’t lose it on you but-” he whispered, trying to get August to soften his tone, everyone in the library was now looking over at them. Ethan could feel his face becoming red as students frowned down at him from the second story.

“But nothing, I want to help you. I don’t know what happened but I’m sure you were never anyways this… bad, I’m sorry there is no other word for it man, you’re just bad. But I can help you to get better.”

“Everyone wants me to get better! What is even getting better? Why do you even care, you have no reason to, my psychologist gets paid to care about me and my family has to because they’re my family. But you don’t have any reason to, I don’t understand.” Ethan exploded. He couldn’t help it, the pressure was too f*****g much and everyone was looking at him. Why couldn’t they just mind their own business? Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

Stop caring! It hurts too much!

“Because, God, I don’t know, maybe I like you, maybe I want to be your friend, it that so hard to believe? That someone might not need some ulterior motive for wanting to help you out once in a while. I was just being nice for f**k sake.”

“But you don’t have to,” Ethan stuttered trying hard to rationalize it in his head. He had never met anyone who wanted to help him out just to help him out. It felt odd, surreal. August was standing now, looming over him despite his height, red-faced in angry.

“Your right I don’t have to,” He said, gathering up his books to leave.

August’s voice had been slowly rising in pitch as their argument was getting heated and it seemed like everyone in the entire school was looking over at them, watching the spectacle with a mixture of annoyance and interest. Ethan face burned and his throat ached. Things were getting out of control and he had no idea of what to do or say, things were happening to fast and his brain just couldn’t catch up to him in time.

“Look, August, I’m sorry,” he began, trying to calm down the situation, to no avail.

“No, I’m sorry, see you ‘round.” The boy said, before walking off, leaving Ethan alone again.

He felt like screaming, he had found someone to talk to, someone who knew what he was going through on some level and he had gone and f****d it all up, just like he f****d up everything else.