Make an Effort

Chapter 11: Beginnings

The clock on the wall ticked on relentless in its quest to move forward, to keep on going. Hazel wondered if she should call out, to make herself known. They were taking up her precious time, after all. It was more precious to her now than it had ever been. She needed more time, to spend being herself. To make up for the seventeen years she spent living a lie.

She wondered vaguely, as she glanced around at the posters, whether it was because of the drugs she felt this way. Or maybe it was because she wasn’t Ethan anymore. It was hard to separate the two; they weren’t separate variables. Her father had said it was the drugs, but he was a man of physicality and couldn’t quite understand how being Hazel was helping her. Hazel didn’t mind, he still loved her, which he demonstrated in minute ways such as introducing her to strangers as his daughter.

A loud sigh escaped her lips as she slumped down in her chair and as she slid down the sit, something caught her eye; a new poster. It was smaller than the others, only A3 and not nearly as bold. It was stuck in the corner as if hiding from anyone who might wish to read it. Gender Dysphoria it read, above a picture of a boy standing in front of a mirror, only to have a girl stare back.

A smile pulled at her lips; change. The clock ticked on and things changed.

Her mum smiled at her before she left, she was off to get a haircut. Hazel knew that she had slept through the entire night, her face, her entire body seemed to glow with a youthful kind of joy. Daniels smiled as they watched her mother all but float down the hallway. Hazel wondered if it was because she didn’t have to hide her feelings anymore, she could yell or cry or laugh without worrying that Hazel might backslide. It didn’t matter really, all the mattered was that she was happy. That’s all Hazel could ask for.

“Hello Dr. Daniels,” Hazel began, sinking down into the plush cushions. She no longer wanted to sink through, she wanted to stay. To make an effort.

“Hello, Hazel, how are you going?” Daniels smiled, pushing her red glasses up her noses, pen at the ready.

“I’m going a lot better, I think it’s the medications.”

“We both know it’s not just the medication Hazel, you’ve been getting steadily better since you found a new name. Not only the but your mother seems a lot better than when she first came to talk to me.” She gave her knowing smirk, scrolling down a note on her pad. Hazel wasn’t the greatest at reading upside down, but she could still make out; she is finally happy being herself.

Of course, Hazel was happy being herself, she was beginning to love herself again. It was slow going, August had told her how hard it was to trust someone, to think you’re worthy of happiness. But it had been seventeen years and Hazel had decided that she deserved to be f*****g happy. He had agreed.

“Yeah, she was. I’m happy for her.”

“Was there anything you wanted to talk to me about?”

It was a question meant to probe her, to get under her skin and to reveal herself; the good and the bad. Hazel usually hated that question, but today she knew what she wanted to say. She may not be ready for hormones in Daniels' eyes, but she wasn’t just going to sit there and not convince her that she’s wrong.

“I’m going out with August,” it was as if her mouth could no longer hold the words back and they came tumbling out like water over rocks. It was like she was back in middle school, gossiping about crushes and giggling over boys. Of course, she had never actually done that in middle school, but she had seen other girls doing it and she wanted to get in on the fun.

“That’s great, how’s it going with you two?”

“Great, we got back together a few weeks ago and we’ve dating ever since.”

“So you made up?”

“Yeah, I finally confronted him and told him how I feel and… Well, he broke down. He had a panic attack. So I had to help him through it. But we made up.”

Concern creased Daniel’s face and Hazel understood why. It wasn’t all that common for someone to have a mental breakdown after another person confesses their love to them. But it was something the August did and that was okay.

“Do you know why he had a panic attack? Do you think it was something you said?” She sounded a bit more like a concerned parent than a doctor at that moment and she leaned forward, her eyes searching.

“Yeah, he told me about it. It’s personal though. He’s seeing a psychologist about it.” Hazel confirmed hoping that that would quell her curiosity. It wasn’t something that Hazel wanted to talk about; she didn’t even know if she should be talking about it.

“Your mother mentioned you told the school about your transition.”

Hazel sighed, it was unsurprising to her that her mother wouldn’t be able to stop herself from telling Dr. Daniels about everything that was going on in her life. In the beginning Hazel didn’t mind, it meant that Daniels was already armed with some talking points before the session even started. It was helpful because Hazel was terrible at beginning conversations and in those situations, she didn’t have to. But now that Hazel was getting better and was becoming more accustomed with Dr. Daniels she didn’t need the help anymore.

If it weren’t for the fact that she knew her mother was just trying to help her she would have been frustrated. She had wanted to surprise Daniels with the good news herself. On well, next time. Though she wasn’t sure what the ‘next time’ would entail.

“Yes, I told everyone at the school assembly.”

“And? How did it go?” Daniels' voice rose as if trying to hold back her excitement.

It was clear that her mum had only mentioned it in passing, or had said that it was something that she could go into herself.

“I think it went okay, I haven’t been bullied or anything.”

She hadn’t really thought about how it had gone. It didn’t really matter; it didn’t matter if they accepted her or even called her a her. All that mattered was that she was being herself, she didn’t really care what the other students thought about her. She could wear a dress and although there may have been a few boys who had berated her because of it, August was always there to have her back. With him, beside her, she could stand up for herself and tell them to f**k off.

“Do you feel more comfortable; in the new uniform, being called a new name?”

It was a strange question, one that August had asked her on her first day of being Hazel at school. It wasn’t strange because it was spoken unconventionally, or because it was hard to answer. Quite the opposite really; she simply felt like it didn’t need to be asked.

“Of course, I do, I’ve been called Hazel for so long outside of school it felt weird that no one at school really knew me.” She said rolling up her sleeves. The heater was on and she was done torturing herself with heat.

“That’s good to hear. You know, Hazel, you’ve had your ups and downs but today it the happiest I’ve ever seen you. And I know that finding your identity has been a big part of it.” She said, placing a comforting hand on her knee.

Hazel supposed she was correct, her emotions had been on rollercoaster mode the entire year, extreme highs and extreme lows. But she was alright with that, now she could just sit back and enjoy the ride, she had earned that at least.

“You know, I’m beginning to regret doing German.”

“Why? You’re the best in your class.”

“Yeah but being the best out of five students really isn’t an achievement.” He pointed out, dragging a stack of chairs into the corner of the classroom. “It’s not that either, it’s that I have to spend way more time studying for tests than any other class.”

“Sorry, let me just crack out my violin for you. Come back when you have to create a completely original art folio then we’ll talk about regret.” Hazel scoffed, pushing a table to the side, clearing a space in the middle of the room. It hard to do against the stained carpet, yet with August’s help it wasn’t so difficult.

They wanted to make the room a bit less like a classroom for their first LGBT meeting before any other students showed up.

There was a silence as they continued to move furniture around the room, they moved in tandem, only needing a mute nod of a head to know what to do next. They were fluid as they moved, a dance; meticulous in their movements and gestures.

“Hazel, you know how we agreed we weren’t going to get… physical in our relationship? Well… I think I want to give it a try, just to see.” August muttered sheepishly, breaking the comfortable silence that they had created. He scratching at the back of his neck, not quite looking her in the eye.

Hazel froze, her mind moving faster than she could keep up; running through reasons, scenarios, outcomes, all of them outlandish and fantastically. He would sweep her into his arms like they do in the movies; dip her low as he kisses her. He would call her his princess and they would run off together, all thoughts of school forgotten. He would be triggered by flashbacks and push her away again, unable to even say that he loved her.

Their relationship had been strictly non-physical; hand holding at most. It was completely understandable; he had never had a positive intermate relationship before so why would he think that this time would be any different? And if Hazel was honest with herself, she didn’t know if she was ready to have an intermate relationship with anyone, even August. She wasn’t comfort in her body yet, it didn’t quite fit her anymore, though she may have just been fooling herself into thinking it fit.

“Are you sure? You might have flashbacks, and we have people coming soon. You might have a breakdown in front of them.” She explained gently, letting her hand fall onto his. She didn’t want to deter him, she just wanted to remind him of the consequences; she didn’t know if he was ready.

“Hazel, it’s fine, I have to get over the past. I want to move forward; I don’t want him controlling my life even when he isn’t around.”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” she folded her fingers into his, holding onto him and pulling him close.

August’s eyes grew wide as their faces become so close she could feel his breath brush against her neck. She would be lying to herself if she said she didn’t want this; there was no cheesy romance movie in the background, no lighting to create a mood but the didn’t matter. Hazel didn’t want to live in a movie; she wanted to live in the really world, where the only representation she needed was herself.

“Do you want this?” she breathed, watch his large eyes intently, hoping that he wouldn’t reject her this time.

A blush formed on both of their faces as her lips bent down to meet his. There were electric shocks again, but she knew they were coming this time and was prepared for it. This time she wasn’t just pressing her lips into his, he was kissing her. It was a lot wetter than her remembered but then again, she didn’t remember a lot about that night.

August untangled his fingered and catch a fistful of her jumper as he pressed a hand into her back. This was how she had wanted it to be as she closed her eyes like they did in the movies to enjoy the feeling of just being so f*****g close to him. She wanted their bodies to merge and become one as she pressed her lips harder against his.

His breath taste faintly of mint, as if he had prepared for this moment. A small, horrid part of Hazel’s mind, pointed out that she had taken no such precaution and that her breath must taste foul. She told it to be quiet as the kiss continued, she had no time for small voices; she was euphoric.

It seemed to be an unspoken agreement that there would be no tongue in their first kiss, but as they broke away, breathless and gasping, Hazel wished that she could have gone farther.

“I love you so f*****g much.”

“I love you too,” with that, he moved away, as if they didn’t need to feel close to each other anymore. But they weren’t close enough, they needed to be closer, to become one.

“No, don’t go,” she whimpered, her body throbbing with pain as he moves away, his hand leaving its place on her back.

“Hazel, I love you…Umm, but you might need to go to the… Err… toile?” His eyes glanced down as the blush across his face deepened a shade.

For a moment, she wasn’t sure what he might, why would she-? Oh.

“Oh s**t, give me a minute,” she cried, shuffling towards the door. She tugged her jumper off and clamped it over her abdomen. Stupid p***s, stupid testosterone. “Don’t start without me!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Haze.” He called after her, his voice lingering in the hall and she ran for cover.