Make an Effort

Chapter 10: Hormones

“Ethan, are you confident you will be able to finish your exploration folio in time?” Mrs. Brush asked, leaning over her shoulder to see what she was working on. Hazel couldn’t help but flinch as if she had been slapped.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, I only have a few more pages I want to fix up before I can hand it in.” she replied, shrugging off a heaviness that had landed on her shoulder. Ethan Ethan. That was not her name anymore. It no longer felt right to her ears or on her tongue. It was lie that taste bitter as she spat it out at the few teachers that didn’t know her real name yet.

“I’m proud of you, you know? You’ve had to overcome so much this year. What happened to you is nothing to sneeze at; not many walk away from suicide. I’m proud that you have continued to fight.”

Hazel couldn’t help but glance around the room, in the hopes that no one was listening in. Even though everyone in her year knew that she had tried to kill herself at the beginning of the year, on one was talking about it anymore. She was old news. Which was exactly what she wanted, to blend seamlessly into the crowd. Fortunately, most of the students were marvelling at another student’s folio on the other side of the room.

“Thank you, I’m glad someone was there to save me.” She couldn’t imagine how things would have turned out if her sister hadn’t found her. She wouldn’t be sitting there, in art class, working on her folio, planning on going to the support group with August after school. She would be dead. And that in truth scared her more than anything; her life could have been cut short, and it would have been all her fault.

No, it wouldn’t, you can’t help the way you felt in that moment. August’s voice echoed harshly inside her mind, she could almost see him crossing his arms in disappointment.

It had been a contention between the two over the past few weeks, with the both of them disagreeing over the idea of guilt. August believed that Hazel wasn’t to blame for what she did while arguing that he was at fault for not talking to anyone about what happened to him. He had received a scolding in the form of a giant pile of leaves in his face.

“Your choice of topic was very brave, and I hope you will be able to pull it off the way you want.”

A wave of heat flushed her face, making her want to bury her head in her arms. She had chosen the topic; ‘the fragility of life’ with no clear idea of where she wanted to do with it. All she knew is that it was something she could bring her own experiences into. The ideas had only begun to flow in as she became closer with August and began to reconnect with her broken family.

She had worked in a few different mediums that she wasn’t used to, even picking up a camera for the first time, and become quite skilled at it. Or so August had told her.

A hand landed softly on her shoulder and squeezed, Mrs. Brush smiled down at her kindly. Despite all her complaining Hazel genuinely like Mrs. Brush, though she was a little over bearing for her liking, she was passionate. Hazel had noticed that she spent hours in the art department, helping students with their creative work even the students who weren’t in her class.

“Thank you.”

They met near the bus stop, so they could walk in together. It was the first time they would be attending the group as a couple and August wanted to make a grand entrance, as usual. They had dyed his hair red, like the autumn leaves and he wanted to show it off. Her own hair brushed against her neck as they walked

He hadn’t told anyone in the group about his past and still wanted to put on a show of confidence for them. After all, he had said, they are looking to me to show bravery and confidence in the face of adversity. He represented the younger generation and he wanted to show them that it was getting better, even though he was backsliding.

“I wish you would have told me that you weren’t going to be in bio, I missed you.” She huffed, hitching her handbag high onto her shoulder. Though she didn’t want to admit it, she was dependant on him to keep her focused in class and without him, she had slipped back into her old habit of staring out the window.

“I’m sorry,” August said tucking her hair behind her ear again, it wasn’t long enough yet to stay behind her ear for any length of time, so it had become a common gesture. “I was keeping it a secret, so I could tell you all about it tonight.”

“What? Why weren’t you in bio?” She asked tentatively hoping that it had nothing to do with his father.

“It’s a surprise, you’ll have to wait.”

His words only made Hazel more puzzle, questions and theories rushing through her head like a storm drain. If it was bad, why would he want to wait to talk about it? Does he mean she would have to wait until after the group or was he going to talk about it with the group?

They don’t bother with reception anymore, she knew who they were and didn’t even look up from her work to wave at them in greeting.

Michael, Emily, and Marline had ready made a circle of chairs when walked in.

“Hello ladies and gentleman, you can now begin to live again, now that I am in your presence,” August announced, giving a low bouw as he entered the room. Hazel shoved him, causing him to overbalance and nearly topple headfirst into the carpet. “Hey!”

“Pull your head out of your ass,” she advised, moving toward the group with as much confidence as if they were close family; because they were.

Michael let out a booming laugh that filled the room. “She’s a keeper, Gus, my boy.”

“Oh, I know, she’s my one and only,” August said dreamily, taking her hand in his.

“Aww! So cute! It’s not going to last.” Emily cooed as she leaned back in her plastic chair.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” she scoffed.

“What?” Emily scoffed, a smirk plastered on her face. She nudged August in the ribs jokingly. “You’re still in high school, you’re not going to stay together.”

“My parents met in high school and they’re still together.” Michael pointed out, giving them an encouraging smile, at least he believed in them.

“Yeah, but that was a different time.”

“I’m not that old.”

On that note, Ari and another person walked in. Hazel hadn’t been coming to the group for the last few sessions because she didn’t want to sit in a circle with August, so she didn’t know who the new person was. They had brown curls that bounced against their shoulders and black framed glasses reflected the lights so that Hazel couldn’t quite see their eyes.

“Wow Michael, getting a bit defensive, are we?” Ari laughed, high-fiving August as they came towards the group.

“You would know, Ari.”

“Know that I’m amazing? Yes, I do.”

“Alright everyone, stop the bickering, we should get started,” Marline said, handing a mug of tea to Emily. They had taken over a small kitchenette and had stashed their own tea and coffee whenever they were there.

They all sat down, August sat next to her and Ari sat beside him.

“Welcome newbie,” Emily greeted the person Hazel hadn’t seen before. She waved at them as they sat down next to Ari.

“Yes, welcome, we usually go around in a circle and introduce ourselves with something about ourselves, for example, what your pronouns are or how far along you are in your transition.” Marline began, smiling kindly and the person, whose hair flopped artfully into their eyes as they blushed.

“Well, um… my name is Merlin and I use they/them pronouns.” They stuttered, picking at their nails.

“Wait, as in the wizard?” August blurted, clearly not meaning to sound so critical, after all, he was named after a month.

“Yeah, I kind of thought you might think I came up with it, but it’s my birth name. I took no part in choosing it.” Merlin explained, they face beginning to turn red. “I’m doing the same course as Ari, but we didn’t know each other very well. I only just found out recently. My doctor saw that I had some anomalies in my hormone levels, so he did some tests and found out I’m intersex so… I’ve just been spending some time doing research. I thought I should talk to Ari about it because they’re so open about being trans. They said I should come to this.”

“Yeah, we all saw how much it helped August and Hazel to have a community, I thought it could help Merlin too,” Ari spoke up, wrapping an arm around Merlin and pulling them closer.

“Hey, even if you don’t identify as trans, you’re still welcome all the same,” Emily chipped it, comfortingly. “Sorry about the name, by the way,” she laughed.

“No, it’s okay, you get used to having a weird name after a while.”

“We know how it goes.” Marline nodded solemnly. Crossing her legs in a business-like manner. Hazel notice her shoes for the first time. High-heeled stiletto-type shoes that could stab someone if she kicked them hard enough. She supposed it was to let the men know she wasn’t someone to mess with.

Hazel remembered the last time she had come to the group; Marline had opened up about being abused by a group of policemen when she was younger. Horror had permeated the room as she had told them that the policemen had bullied her, asking her how she ‘did her t**s’. The idea that that might happen to one of them nowadays had scared them all, even though it had happened decades ago. Marline had said that she had had to go home to her son and explain to him why his father had a black eye. It happened. It happened every day.

“How do you think your parents would react?” Michael asked, leaning forward in his seat.

Michael was the one to ask the poignant questions, it was part of his job within the group. He wasn’t good at emotional stuff, but he knew how to evoke it.

It was a common theme within the group for partners or parents to not be accepting. Hazel and August were the odd ones out in that regard.

“I honestly don’t know, I haven’t told them yet,” there was a pause as Merlin read the room as if they thought the group wouldn’t approve.

“Merlin, it’s completely okay for you not to talk to your parents about it. Something like this, it’s good that you’re able to have a space to talk about it with people who will understand.” Hazel assured.

It was comforting to know that others, had their doubts in the beginning and it wasn’t just her. She remembered how, although she already knew she was trans, she hadn’t fully come out to herself before coming to the group and finding people who would love and accept her no matter what.

“But what if they knew, and they didn’t tell me about it- they should have told me.”

“Something like this, it’s unlikely they knew. Intersex people are usually only discovered to have an anomaly if it’s external or if it’s obvious. Doctors don’t usually check your chromosomes before calling you a girl or a boy.” August chipped in, using what they had learnt in biology to explain it.

“Why do you want to use they/them pronouns?”

“Well, I quite like those pronouns even if they can only stay in this room,” Merlin said, almost wistfully. They all knew how hard it was to go by gender-neutral pronouns in a world of binary options. “I’m gender neutral now, and I haven’t just started feeling like this because I have both sets of genitals. I’ve felt like this for a long time, finding out I’m intersex was just the push I needed, is that weird?” Merlin asked, a blush forming on their olive skin.

“Not really,” August mused. “Unique, but not weird. I read somewhere that being intersex is as common as having ginger hair.”

“I think they were talking about being gender neutral, genius,” Emily scoffed, flicking her glossy hair over her shoulder. “And no, it’s not weird, we have quite a few members who are gender neutral, of all ages.”

“Regardless, it’s good to have you here, welcome, we hope we can help you with any questions you have.” Marline gave her customary greeting.

“Ari, how about you?”

“Hello all, you know me, I’m Ari. I’ve just been at uni, working on assignments and stuff, I booked in to have a consultation in Melbourne for Top Surgery so that’s something that will be happening ‘in the near future’.” Ari said proudly, puffing up their tightly bound chest, grinning from ear to ear.

Ari had talked to her the last time she came to the group that they bound their chest to make it look flat. They did it because it made them feel comfortable with what they saw in the mirror but also that it stopped people from immediately gendering them as a girl. Both Ari and August had told the group how painful it was to bind because they couldn’t breathe properly. Hazel couldn’t imagine wanting to hind her boobs if she had them, but that was her.

“You have to tell me how it goes,” August demanded, jumping up and down in his seat in excitement. Hazel couldn’t help but laugh at his childish behaviour. He had acted like this from the moment she had met him. Yet it was clear to her that this behaviour was becoming more genuine as the months progressed, he was just being himself. It was no longer a shield to protect himself, it had morphed into something more; true bravery. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll give you all the info, just wait for me to get it first.”

“It’s your turn August,” Michael chipped in, stretching his legs out in front of him to get comfortable.

“Oh yeah, I have big news people so buckle in,” August said dramatically. “I started hormones this week.”

“That’s amazing August,” she exclaimed, almost toppling out if her chair. So, this was his news? No wonder he hadn’t been at school that day, he would have had to travel to Melbourne to see the specialist. Her heart swelled with pride, overtaking the annoyance she had felt when he refused to tell her.

“The next time I see you, you better have a beard like Michael.” Emily joked, giving Michael a conspiratorial nudge.

“I don’t think that’s possible,” August said, giggling at the idea of growing a beard.

Proud welled up inside her chest. He had waited so long, struggled so hard to get where he was. To be who he was. Hazel’s heart swelled inside her chest. He was becoming himself. He could leave his past behind and move forward, a new person.

And yet, a small part of her was jealous. She had to wait months before she was even considered for treatment. It was her own fault, she knew that, but it was human nature to be envious of other people’s achievements.

She leaned over to him and whispered in his ear. “I’ll love you, even if you grew a beard.”

“That’s good to hear, Haze,” he smirked at her, understanding the words that had been left unsaid. “But I’m sure you wouldn’t say that if I had one. Too scratchy.”

“I’d love you if you had a barbed wire beard.” She smirked playfully, knowing full well that all eyes in the room were on her as she pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes.

“Okay guys, get a room.” Marline smiled at them knowingly.

She had told Hazel that she met her wife when they were just teenagers and even after finding out what she was, who she was, Marline’s wife still loved her. Hazel wanted that, she wanted that like air in her lungs and blood in her veins. She didn’t want to die, not now, not for as long as she could live because now she had something to live for. She had a family who loved her, she had a community which stood by her, she had a boyfriend who she couldn’t live without.

Hazel shook the thoughts out of her mind. There was no sense in worrying, she wouldn’t do that to herself, not now, not when she was surrounded by so much support. She needed to focus on the here and now.

They both poked their tongues out at Emily as everyone burst out into laughter.

“Well, I’m Hazel and I’m going out with August, if you hadn’t guessed.” Hazel huffed, catching his hand in her own. As if that was enough evidence they needed for her to be telling the truth.

“Wow, what a shock,” Ari drawled, a smirk pulling at the corner of their lips. And in other news, water is wet, their eyes spoke volumes.

Hazel couldn’t help but feel a bit put down. She knew that was because Ari, Emily, and August bickered over everything, but she thought they might be a bit happier for them. Or maybe it was just confirmation of a fact that they had already known for months. They could at least act surprised for her sake.

“Yeah, I could feel the s****l tension when you too first fought.” Emily scoffed,

“Shut up, you could not!” August squeaked, to the amusement of the circle.

“August, stop digging yourself a hole, you’re not fooling anyone.”

“Michael! You’re supposed to be on my side. Trans-bros unite, right?”

“The s****l tension was palpable, dude.” Michael pointed out blankly, high-fiving Emily as she let out a shriek of triumph. Hazel couldn’t help but giggle as August’s face dropped.

“I feel betrayed,” August pouted. He moved to cross his arms only to realise he was still holding her hand so thought against it. His arms dropped lamely by his side.

“This is a very normal session, by the way,” Ari told Merlin, who was watching the exchange like they had just walked in on the filming of a soap opera.

“It was nice you to let us know then,” Hazel said pointedly. She recalled a session where Emily had ranted about friends and relatives saying that they knew she was trans but not telling her about it beforehand. It had been playful, and they had all laughed it off. Hazel would personally prefer her relatives telling her that they knew rather than them saying that she disgusted them.

“We thought you’d be able to work it out by yourselves,” Marline’s voice couldn’t disguise her amusement as she tried to remain blank-faced and calm. She was failing.

August caught her eye causing warmth to rise up inside her chest. An eternal flame. She was his and he was hers. Despite the cold wind raging outside, they were together.

This was her reason. A group, a community, a family. It was her reason to breathe, to live and keep on living. She wanted to learn more, she wanted to tell to more people like her. She wanted to soak up information like a sponge because there weren’t enough hours in the day to learn and to live and to love.

“I’m going to talk my family that I’m trans.” She said, almost to herself, determination rising inside of her. She hadn’t meant to hold it off for so long, but now, with August by her side, it was time.

Her family didn’t communicate that often; they barely knew about her attempted suicide earlier that year. But she couldn’t handle all of them calling her Ethan on Christmas day, she would have to talk to them all.

“Sure, when you’re ready.”

“You know I’ll never do it if you don’t push me.” She laughs tucking her hair behind her ear, it was long enough to stay.

Hazel’s biology teacher congratulated her in from of the whole class; she was the most improved student. August nudged her and laughed as her face flushed with heat. Her teacher smiled at her as she past back the test. Eighty percent.

“I’m proud of you, Hazel, and not just because of your great score.” Mrs. Harrison said, giving her a conspiratorial wink.

She had gone over chromosomes with the class before the test. As a gesture to the two transgender students in her class had given them all a scientific article on the biological and psychological differences between s*x and gender.

She had been progressively getting better in all her classes. Mrs. Watson had complimented her on how good she looked in the girl’s uniform and Mr. Thatch had told her how proud he was of her. He had even asked if she would like to talk to the class about her experience with gender.

Gender, to me, is a lot like love, she had said, trying to hide her shaking hands as she stood in front of the entire class. It’s hard to define or describe but that doesn’t make it any less real.

Mr. Thatch had said that if he were marking her on her understanding of gender in Twelfth Night, she would get one hundred percent. She had told him that it was all about learning and listening to others.

“Not bad for someone who thought DNA stood for truth, justice, and the American way,” August whispered. His breath tickled her ear and she giggled childishly, batting him away.

“I didn’t think that! It was just a joke.” She said defensively, poking her tongue out at him, playfully. “Thank you, by the way, you were the reason I’m most improved.”

It was true not only had he tutored her every week for the last few months, but he helped her concentrate. He would nudge her if he saw her staring off into space and let her look at his notes if she missed something.

“What can I say,” he smirked, brushing his nails on his jumper as if to flick away invisible dust. “I’m great at everything.”

“And modest too,” Hazel laughed, her lips brushing against his ear. “You don’t have to act like that you know.”

“Act like what?” He looked genuinely confused as if he hadn’t noticed the way he behaved.

“Act like you’re confident, you can just be yourself.”

It felt so long ago that he had told her that he wasn’t confident; the truth. Now she would point it out to him, tell him that he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t seem to help it either; he had played the part for so long, it was hard for him to just play himself. But Hazel knew, she sure the difference in the way he held himself, or the way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes where he laughed in front of other students. They both knew he was sure putting on a show, hiding the parts of himself that he didn’t want the school to see.

“You wound me, I am myself, I am more myself than I have ever been.”

It was true, his voice was already getting deeper, though it still sounded more like he had a cold than actual puberty.

“Not until you grow a beard.” She joked, rubbing her hand along his smooth cheeks. She loved how the group had started a joke that she could continue with, though they all knew it wasn’t a beard that made a man.

“True,” he contemplated, “but I’ve already shaved so that it grows in quicker.”

“I can tell you now that all that does is make it prickly.”

“Yeah well, that’s what I’m going for, the authentic look.”

Hazel scoffs as he flicks imaginary hair behind his shoulder dramatically. Though Hazel had come to the understanding that his courage was completely fabricated she still respected his unapologetic sense of self. He didn’t care that people thought he was gay; he was just behaving the way he wanted to behave. He had told her that before he transitioned people saw him as very masculine though he hadn’t changed, he hadn’t become more feminine. The only thing that had changed, according to him, was people’s perception of him.

When Hazel asked him whether it annoyed him, however, he said he was just happy to be seen as a boy, regardless of age or sexuality.

He had been getting odd looks from some of the male students whenever he went to the toilet. They both had. It was strange that everyone knew who they were, what they were. For Hazel, it didn’t matter, she didn’t care what anyone else thought, it was just euphoric to go into a toilet that didn’t smell like piss all the time. But August wasn’t taking it that well. It had been a long time since he had felt uncomfortable in a bathroom and, although he knew he wasn’t going to be beaten up, he didn’t feel ‘safe’ either.

“You’re pulling it off wonderfully.” She rolled her eyes playfully as she turned back to her work. “Now can you help me with all the different types of proteins, I f****d it up on the test.”