Make an Effort

Chapter 6: Consent

It had become somewhat of a routine for Hazel and August to race each other every lunchtime across campus and hid in their secret garden together. The sun shore brightly through the trees, and the wind pushed clouds through the sky. Hazel lay buried in the tall grass, gazing up them as they raced by. August lay beside her and she could tell that he was dozing off. It was so peaceful. It felt to Hazel that they were in a whole other world, only the faint tones of a flute player gave away their real location.

“You should come over to my place this weekend,” August mumbled drowsily. He raised a hand to his face, squinting over at her so that the sun didn’t blind him.

“Sure, my mum would go through the roof if she heard I was going on a playdate.”

She was right, apart from going down to Melbourne with August a few weeks back she hadn’t hung out with anyone outside school hours for years. It just wasn’t something she did. Sure, she would sit with people at lunchtime and sometimes even strike up a conversation, but she had never made an effort to see them outside of school. They just weren’t worth it to her. She would have rather done anything else back then.

But now…

“Don’t ever say that again.” He sounded horrified.

“What? Playdate?” She said innocently, trying to hold back a laugh.

She knew she would get this reaction from him; it was the same reaction she gave to her mum whenever she used that word. She knew very well that it was a word for children, but she liked to use it anyway, ironically or not.

“Yes, it is the worst word on the face of the planet and should never be spoken under any circumstances.” August pointed a finger at her accusatorily.

“I’m sure there are worse words than playdate,” she laughed, unable to hold it in any longer. “I can think of at least a few off the top of my head.”

“Playdates are what mum’s think five-year-olds have, not almost adults.” He scoffed loudly, clutching a hand to his chest as if it physically hurt him to be thought of as a child. Which he was, in Hazel’s mind.

“I know that, I was just joking.”

“You should never joke about things like playdates.” August frowned in a mock serious tone.

Hazel responded by throwing a clump of grass in his face. He let out an indignant cry before sitting up to spit out a bit of grass, his face twisting in disgust.

“Shut up. You know you deserved that.”

“Well, I am sorry for letting the joke go on too long.” He said sarcastically, frowning over at her.

“So, you should be.” She smiled back at him sweetly.

“Do you want to come over or not?”

Hazel let out a loud sigh before tapping a finger on her chin in mock thought. She was happy today, lying in the sun with her friend, being herself. She hadn’t felt this content in ages, to the point when to couldn’t remember when.

“Well I don’t know; I’ll have to check my diary to see when I’m free.” She smirked over at him.

August responded by throwing grass in her face. They both laughed sitting up and helping each other get bits of green out of their hair.

Her mum had noticed this change too, after all, she actually smiled now. She would ask her about her day, instead of not bothering because she already knew the answer by the look on her face. She would also ask how August was. She knew that he was the reason for her child’s happiness and it was clear that she was thankful for it.

Hazel could tell she was sleeping better and so was she. Neither of them was looking like zombies anymore and it made Hazel feel good to know that her mum was also getting better.

“Yes, let’s do it,” she finally agreed. “Your place or mine?”

“We can stay at my place if you want, my mum is cool with me so there’s no reason she wouldn’t be cool with you.”

“My parents are okay with me being trans.” She said indignantly, frowning at him.

August gave her a knowing look; he had met her father when they had waited together to be picked up. Or more correctly, August waited with her to get picked up before walking home by himself. She had offered him a ride, but he had pointedly refused, saying that it was the only exercise he ever got. Her father had accidentally called her Ethan and only gave August a silent nod as they walked up to him. With a glance at August’s face, Hazel could tell that he struggled not to call him out on it like he had in the bra shop. She was thankful he hadn’t however, she didn’t want them to start a fight. Her dad wasn’t handling her transition very well, and she didn’t want him to feel targeted or attacked because of his mistakes.

“Fine, we’ll have it at your place if your mum is so progressive.” She sighed, flopping back down on the ground. The sun had become covered by a thick grey cloud, so she wasn’t blinded anymore.

“She is actually.” He smirked.

“Good for you. Want to hang out on Friday night or Saturday?”

“Saturday, my mum’s working night shift so we can have the place to ourselves.”

“Your mum works a lot,” she commented absentmindedly.

It was something Hazel had noticed after hanging out with him over the past few weeks. August was always saying that he had to cook dinner or go home to an empty house. Hazel hadn’t wanted to bring it up as august seemed very unwilling to talk about it. From what she could ascertain, his mum worked two jobs and often worked both in one day. It seemed like a hard life for both of them.

“Yeah, she does. So, are you in?”

“Sure, be there at five,” she said enthusiastically, holding up her hand to the sky, all five fingers spread out. Then, a thought hit her; “where do you live again?”

Hazel wore something that her mother called ‘casually feminine’ when she saw Dr. Daniels. It was exhilarating to wear something that made you feel happy and also have the blessing of your mum. Yet Hazel’s arms itched as she walked to her clinic. The hair on the back of her neck stood up as she felt someone’s eyes on her, but when she looked around; no one was there.

“That’s a nice dress… Hazel.” The doctor paused, making sure that the name she used was the right one before she said it out loud.

“Thanks,” Hazel said, looking down at the women’s jeans which stretched tightly over her curve-less thighs and hips.

“You got that outfit with August, is that right?” She asked, writing down his name in her notes again. Hazel supposed that it was because Daniels knew that they had fought in the past and wanted to document their relationship on a weekly basis.

“Yeah, we went to Melbourne for the day.”

“How did you feel, shopping for women’s clothes?”

“Scared, but August was so confident, any time someone was rude about it he would defend me,” Hazel said, thinking back how he had stood up for her against that old lady. Or how he had told someone who called her a fag on the way back to the train station to f**k off. She couldn’t help but smile at how brave he was. She would never have the courage to yell that at a guy three times her size.

“Yes, it is better to have someone in those kinds of situations; to support you.”

Hazel saw her write the word: friend, next to August. She supposed that was their relationship; their status. A small part of her wanted it to be something more than that. He made her feel so… good, like she was worth something. Like she could get better again. He made her laugh and held her when she cried.

“Yeah, I’m glad he was there.”

“So,” Daniels said, opening up to a new page in her notebook, smiling kindly at her. “What did you want to talk to me about this week?”

That was a good question, Hazel hadn’t really thought about it. Although she never had any planned talking points when she walked in, she always had something to talk about. The previous week they had spent an entire hour talking about August.

“How do you get hormones?” Straight to the point. There was no point in dancing around the issue like she normally did if she had something to talk about. Daniels would get it out of her eventually; she would just be prolonging the inevitable.

Dr. Daniels face shifted, ever so slightly; her brows furrowed and her eyes creases in a look of pity. It shocked Hazel to be looked at like that again, she thought she had passed that. Apparently not.

“Hazel… of course we could talk about hormones, but… you won’t be able to apply for them yet.”

“But I read you could get them as soon as you turn eighteen, I’m almost eighteen,” Hazel said, not quite understanding why. August had told her he would be able to start hormones as soon as he turned eighteen. He had gone through all of the assessments beforehand and was now just waiting to be old enough. Why wouldn’t it be the same for her?

“That’s true you can begin treatment when you turn eighteen under informed consent, but you have to be classified as legally sane before I can give you a referral.” Daniels made a face that spoke volumes, regret twisting her features into an apologetic mask. Hazel thought there should be better ways of phrasing

“You’re saying I’m not sane?”

“No, Hazel, but you did attempt suicide not two months ago. You’re not insane, but you’re not stable either. You have to be stable to start your transition,” Daniels said hurriedly,

“But being a girl makes me stable, transitioning will only make me more stable.” Her voice rose in frustration as she gripped onto the edge of the couch. She felt like she was falling, like the last few weeks of progress were being wiped away. Waves over the sand.

“Hazel, you just have to wait a few more months, just so we can make sure you won’t do it again.”

“I’m not going to do it again!”

“I know that. Hazel, it’s just protocol, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve seen you become so expressive, so alive over the past few weeks, and that’s because of August. He has helped you through the hardest time of your life; he is your support group. I can see how he makes you feel; loved, needed, respected. I know this means a lot to you, but you just need to hold on a little longer.”

The fire in her stomach died down, becoming embers in her chest, leaving her feeling cold and empty. Daniels was right. It was just a few more months; it was just a waiting game now. Hazel could feel her fingers itch as the very idea of having to wait the long.

The sooner you get better the sooner you can start becoming you. August’s voice promises as she sat alone with her psychologist. You are you, regardless of what hormones you’re taking.

Of course, he would say that, even in her head he was infuriating, caring. He didn’t need hormones to make him look like a boy; he already passed with flying colours. But the shoulder seams on her denim jacket were becoming strained and she could never catch every bit of stubble.

“You haven’t been diagnosed with any other mental illness that would stop you from starting hormone replacement therapy. In other words, you should be about to start them as soon as you get okayed. As it is your birthday is in a few months anyway, so you won’t be waiting much longer than that.”

Soon, you with be yourself soon. You just need to make an effort.

August’s mum greeted her as she rang the doorbell at ten past five on Saturday. She smiled up at her with tired eyes, she looked a lot like her own mum, Hazel thought. She had that same haunting look in her eyes that August had sometimes, but she didn’t try to hide it like he did.

She was wearing a nurse’s outfit and her hair was tied up in a messy bun. Her name badge told Hazel that her name was Angela Collins.

Hazel stepped from foot to foot, feeling increasingly uncomfortable with what she was wearing. After all, she hadn’t thought to check in with August to see whether his mum knew about her ‘situation’ or not.

“Hello, you must be Hazel, come in,” she beckoned, moving out of the door frame. “August is just finishing up with tea. You can put your bags anywhere you want, Honey. The lounge room’s down the hall and August’s room is that door over there.” Her voice was soft, almost as if someone was sleeping in the next room and she was trying not to wake them.

She pointed to a closed door off the side of the landing. Hazel couldn’t help but laugh as she looked at the door, at her house her and Taylor had a hand painted capital E and T, respectively, hanging on their doors. But August had taken his personalization to the extreme by plastering his entire door with brown leaves. His mum followed her line of sight and chuckled softly.

“Can you imagine he brought all of those leaves with him when we moved house.”

“Why?” Although it was a very August thing to do it was also impractical and she could quite imagine him have enough patience to carefully pack all of those leaves so that none of them would break in their brittle state.

“Oh, because he said that he would be able to replace them for another year, we only moved here in December, you see. “

A part of Hazel thought he could have just picked living leaves and stick them to his door, they would die anyway.

“So you’re a nurse?” Hazel asked, switching to a new topic. She hadn’t thought that August’s mum was a nurse at all. She had just thought she worked a lot of jobs.

“Yes, I’ll have to grab my food and run I’m afraid, I’m working the night shift, so you two better not get into any trouble. Don’t go doing anything stupid just because he wants to do it okay, he’s a bad influence.” The older women said walking towards what Hazel thought might be the kitchen, she could hear something sizzling on a frying pan.

Hazel couldn’t help but laugh at that, he did act like a child a lot of the time, a really smart child.

“Yeah, I’ve caught on to that, I promise to try and keep him out of trouble while you’re away.”

“Hey!” came an indignant voice as they got closer to the kitchen door. “I heard that!”

Hazel pocked her tongue out at him as they entered the kitchen. It was smaller than she had thought, with not a lot of bench space to sustain the amount of mess he was making. He retaliated by giving her the finger.

“August!” his mother chastised, sounded exasperated.

“You’re wearing the dress we bought, it looks really good on you. I told you packing works, or whatever you would call it.” He said pointing at her chest with a spatula.

She could feel her face redden at his odd compliment, she was grateful that he liked it but she wasn’t sure that she liked it being pointed out in front of his mum. After all, she didn’t know what he had told her, she might even think she was a normal girl. Not anymore, she thought sadly.

She had taken his advice and stuffed a rolled sock in the bra they had bought. She knew there were proper things to make her look like she had boobs but she didn’t have the money to buy them yet.

“Thanks,” she spun around on the spot to show off how the flowery dress floated out around her like it had when she had first tried it on. It was getting too cold to wear it around but with the denim jacket, it was at least bearable. Hazel hadn’t really thought about how cold her legs would be and she was beginning to regret her decision.

August had made fried rice, leaving Hazel to question why he had made so many dirty dishes. When she asked why that was he just gave her a knowing smile.

“Hazel, honey, before I go, I just wanted to say that you have made Gus so happy these last few weeks. You’re really good for each other and I hope you’ll always be around to prop each other up.” Mrs. Collins whispered, her warm breath tickling her ear.

Hazel wasn’t quite sure how to respond. August clearly hadn’t heard her, his back turned to them as he stirred the condense of a saucepan.

After spooning a large heaping of rice into a takeaway container August’s mum said goodbye to the both of them and left, kissing August on the forehead.

He flushed red as he turned to look back at Hazel, who was smiling a little too widely.

“Shut up!”

“I didn’t say anything,” Hazel reassured, hurriedly trying to cover up a smirk that had spread across her face.

“I know what you were thinking.” He accused dramatically, pocking her in the chest.

“I was thinking it’s sweet.” She smiled, batting his hand away.

“Good for you.”

“You are such a child,” she shook her head disapprovingly, with a small smile curling her lips. She wasn’t sure why he had reacted like that when his mum was just kissing him goodbye, but it was amusing none the less.

“Did you want to move into the lounge room, we can eat while we watch a movie?” August asked, picking up the two bowls filled with rice.

“Sure but before we go anywhere I want to show you something,” something twisted inside her stomach. She hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that but her mouth had different plans although she knew that if she didn’t just come out and say it then and there she wouldn’t say it at all.

“What is it?”

She let her jacket slip off her shoulders and fall dramatically to the ground. His eyes widened in shock as he looked down at her arms. Her arms weren’t bandaged anymore.

Each forearm now held a twisted scar, with about ten stitch marks on each. They stuck out on her normally tan arms.

She wasn’t quite sure how to feel about them, or about his reaction to them. They were, after all, an eternal reminder of how completely without hope he had felt, not two months ago. They would be a reminder that she could get better, that she had gotten better. But to have them at all made her feel sick to her stomach.

August eyes ran over her arms, taking in every little stitch until he must have had them memorized.

“Hazel, I don’t… I didn’t…”

“I just thought I’d show you that I don’t have to wear bandages anymore, the doctor gave me the go-ahead to take them off. They’re still really tender though.”

It was true, she had a hard time running her fingers over them as they caused a shiver run down her spine as she did so.

“Hazel, I’m sorry,” August said pleadingly, grabbing hold of her hands as if he would never let them go.

“For what?” They weren’t friends when she did it, they didn’t even know each other, there was no reason for him to feel the need to apologize.

Shock ran through her as she realized that she hadn’t felt angered by his apology like she had at everyone else. Because everyone else saw her as being fragile. Because, in a dark corner of her mind they could have done something to stop it from happening, even though they didn’t.

“I don’t know, it’s just a thing that people say, it just came out.” August didn’t look at her as he says that; the contents of the bowls of rice were more fascinating.

“I just wanted to tell you, you don’t have to say anything other than ‘I’m happy you’re alive.” She carefully takes the bowls out of his hands, smiling down at him when he looks up to meet her gaze sheepishly.

“I’m glad you’re alive.” Sincerity laced his words as he looked into her eyes with a warm smile. For some reason, her heart began to beat faster, even though she was just sitting down.

“I am too. Now, what movies do you have?” She replied nonchalantly, trying to change the subject.

It took them a long time to decide on a movie they would both enjoy. August was a lot more interested in pop culture than Hazel was, though that might have been because Hazel hadn’t really watched a lot of new and interesting movies over last few years. She had watched movies that didn’t need any brain power, the kind of movie with lots of explosions and cities being destroyed. August liked comedies and cheesy romances and superhero movies.

They ended up watching a Batman movie after Hazel admitted she had never even heard of Lego Batman.

In the end, it was able to satisfy August’s love of comedies and Hazel’s need for pointless explosions. Plus, the large range of pop culture references meant that even Hazel was able to understand some of the jokes.

“This fried rice is really good.”

“Thanks, it took a lot of trial and error for it to turn out the good.”

“Oh, come on, it’s just fried rice, it’s literally just throwing whatever you have in the fridge into a wok and cook it for a bit.” She scoffed.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that there is an art to making good fried rice.”

“So let me get this straight, you’re a grade A student in all of your classes, even your German class, who’s good at German?” Her voice rose in mock hysteria. She couldn’t help but recall how she had failed French in year seven and wondered if he would have been one of those students who complained about only getting ninety-five percent.

“Err, Germans?” August cut in, smirking widely at her. He was.

“I’m not finished, you’re good at all your classes, you’re great at biology and you can cook? That is too many things, no one should have that many skills, that’s just selfish!” Hazel pouted, only half joking. She did blame him for being good at different things but she couldn’t help but feel envious at just how skilled he was at all of them.

“Well I am sorry for being great at everything,” he laughs flicking a piece of fried egg at her.

“Hey! Don’t start a war you know you won’t win, I have the advantage of this not being my house, so don’t push me!” She yelled, holding up her rice filled fork menacingly.

“Are you still hungry?” August asked, pausing the movie and standing up to stretch. He held his hand out for her empty bowl, but she stood up as well, not wanting to be waited on.

“Yeah, what have you got?”

“Ha! A better question would be what haven’t I got.”

Hazel could only follow him towards the kitchen wondering how he could be so confident.

That was the thing Hazel admired about him; his confidence. He could walk down the street, and didn’t seem to care about what people thought about him, he was always himself regardless of what everyone else wanted. Hazel wanted to be that, she wanted so much not to care but even walking from her car and to his front door was always enough for her to fall in a heap.

“How are you so f*****g confident?”

They were in the kitchen and August was pulling out chips, popcorn, cakes, slices, Tim-Tams, lollies, and meringues. Hazel couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the plethora of food that was piled in front of her. No wonder he made all of these dirty dishes.

“Did you invite anyone else I don’t know about?” She asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes at him. It was enough food to comfortably feed their entire year, how did he think that this as at all the right amount of snacks for the both of them. “How are we supposed to get through all of this?”

“Don’t worry, if we don’t eat it all tonight I can bring it to school for us to eat.” He reassured her, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “I’m not, by the way.”

“You’re not what?”

“Confident. I just act confident so that I don’t get hurt, people don’t question you if you don’t question yourself.”

“Oh,” it wasn’t what she expected, and she wasn’t quite sure if it was what she wanted either. August was her rock; he was the immovable object that she needed for support. The idea of whether or not it was a good thing that August wasn’t as godlike as she had thought raged war inside her mind. “That’s… sad.”

“I didn’t say it to make you happy,” he snapped harshly, pouring a packet of chips into a bowl.

Hazel had found through their time together that August did that kind of thing a lot. He would say things in biting tones because he didn’t know how to say what he really meant. At first, she had called him out on it, and he was apologetic about it, but he still found it hard to change the habit when he became frustrated about something.

“You know that’s not what I meant, August,” she tried, putting a hand over his.

“I know that’s not what you meant.”

He tossed her a packet of lollies before heading back towards the lounge room, ending the conversation before they could say anything they would regret; it was already too late for her.

It seemed the more Hazel learned about August the more it made her feel uncomfortable like she was learning that her hero wasn’t as perfect as she thought he was.

“I want you to know that I’m not perfect; nobody is, because we’re humans. That’s just human nature, but I’m here for you because I want to be. I don’t need any ulterior motive to want to be with you, you should remember that.”

Her heart glowed warmly as the movie continued. They had wrapped themselves in a thick rug, even though it wasn’t really that cold. It was almost like cuddling, Hazel thought and they leaned on each other for support.

Hazel tried to pay more attention to the movie, but she couldn’t help but notice that amount of warm August radiated from himself.

“Media always uses Robin as a joke doesn’t it?” August commented as Batman’s sidekick nearly got himself killed for the four time.

“I don’t know much about it,” she said truthfully. She had watched a lot of dumb superhero movies with a lot of pointless explosions over the past few years but she had never read any of the comics they were based off of or even tried to research them. It just didn’t interest her all that much.

“That’s just the thing when you don’t know much about something you get your information from the media. But what if that’s wrong, what if Robin was actually a great leader, or a ladies’ man, you wouldn’t know, would you?”

Hazel tried to imagine a young, annoying kid with weird dorky glasses getting all the ladies and tried not to laugh.

“That’s right!” he said, his voice rising in excitement. “You would think that’s ridiculous. What if that’s the same with how media portrays families? A nuclear family is always shown to be the best kind of family. What if that’s how transgender people are depicted? That we’re all sick!”

“But I was sick,” Hazel pointed out, her head tilting to the side.

“No you weren’t; you have depression, not cancer.” He said, tugging at his hair in frustration at the ideas swirling around in his head. It was clear he was having trouble organizing them.

Hazel thought about his idea of illness and maybe he was right, but to her she was sick, she had to go to hospital, to go on medication. Just because it didn’t physically debilitate her didn’t mean it hadn’t hurt her.

“What brought this up?” Something about August tone told her that this rant was a precursor for him to tell her something. After all, this is what she had done a few times when she wanted to tell him why she attempted suicide, but she would always chicken out before even getting close to the meat of the conversation.

“I’m just sick of seeing only one kind of trans person in media, not that there’s a lot or anything, but they are all women and it’s really f*****g annoying. No offense.”

“No that’s fair, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with a trans person in it, and it’s always about them being trans and nothing else. And not to mention that all of the documentaries I’ve seen show trans girls that are, like, two saying that they know what they want in life. Yeah, I played with girl’s toys and dressed up in dresses but I was never that confident about myself when I was a kid. Regardless, I’m still trans; it doesn’t make me any less trans to not be like that.”

“Yeah… It’s still annoying though,” August mumbled through a mouthful of chips.

“We could change that, we could write a movie or a documentary, we could make it right.”

“Sure we can, but I can’t write for s**t so you’ll have to be the head of the creative team.” He smirked as Hazel let out a shriek of indignation.

“Shut up, they’re lies, all lies. You do literature for f**k sake!”

“Yeah but I flunked the creative writing part of it and I’ve always sucked at art. That’s why I do science and a language because you don’t have to be creative, you just have to find all of the answers.”

“I’m sure all of your teachers would disagree.”

“Says the one doing Art.” He threw a chip at her face.

“Because I thought it would be easy!”

“And was it?” August prompted, grabbing a handful of chips in his hand and stuffed them loudly into his mouth.

“No, but the teacher says I can turn my ‘trauma’ into art,” she said, making air-quotes to exaggerate her distaste.

“I can see you found that really fun,” he laughed.

“Yeah, like ripping my own teeth out with rusty pliers.” She muttered horridly, taking a handful of chips herself when he passed the bowl over.

She had ranted about her art teacher to him a few weeks before, saying that the hag had no right to say the things she did. She had wanted to know invasive things that made Hazel feel uncomfortable and had said she talked to her friends about her, which made her feel even worse. August had found it all amusing up until that point and then had wanted to drag her the office to report a breach of Student/teacher confidentiality. Hazel had told him that she didn’t think that was a thing.

“You’re good at it though, you started because that’s what your psychologist said to do right? You haven’t ever even tried and your drawings are great.”

“That’s not really true.” Hazel began, thinking about how she wasn’t that good at hands or landscapes.

“Lies! All lies!” August put his hands over his ears dramatically, specks of salt falling onto her shoulder.

“Alright, whatever, just watch the movie I want to see if Batman will get a family or not.”

“Spoiler alert; he does,” he said, impishly.

“Shut up!” She began to try and strangle him with the blanket as he laughed loudly.

The movie they had picked next was a cheesy rom-com and while Hazel didn’t find it all that funny she found herself become fascinated by the way August entire face lights up when he laughs. The lines around his eyes crease and his hair shivers as his shoulders bob with mirth.

Maybe it might be a little creepy that she’s watching him instead of the movie, but she couldn’t care less whether the man gets the girl in the end, he didn’t deserve her anyway.

“I don’t think this is very realistic,” she complained when the couple began to make out in the rain.

August turned to give her a weird look that she couldn’t quite read. He looked like he disagreed with her as if he thought that stopping in the rain to make out was a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Or at least that’s what she thought his eyes were saying.

Something rose up inside of her, maybe it was something primal or maybe she knew exactly what it was. He was right there, so close that she could just lean forward and…

Their lips met with an explosive force that sent electric shocks through her entire body. His lips were so soft and he smelt like spices and deodorant. She smiled into the kiss as she pushed deeper, raising her hand to grab a fist of his sandy hair that fell into his eyes.

August snapped his head back as if the contact had given him a completely different kind of electric shock. His face twisted violently into something she couldn’t read, even though she tried.

“What?” she whispered breathlessly, though it wasn’t like they had kissed for that long

“What the f**k do you think? I don’t know how you were reading that situation but that wasn’t what I was going for.” He yelled, spittle hitting her cheek, making her flinch in his anger.

“August, I was just trying to-” she was cut off.

“Trying to what? Kiss me when I don’t want to kiss?” He screamed. His voice rose in hysteria as he shuffled away from her and out from under the blanket.

“I thought you might be feeling the same way as me, but I guess not,” her face was turning red.

Why was he always like this? Hazel would do or say something and he would blow up for no reason. No warning, no explanation, just an explosion.

“Oh, you guess not, do you? What gave it away?”

“What is your deal?”

There was too much yelling. Hazel’s eyes were burning and her face was flushed and hot. Why was he acting look this? He was acting as if she had hurt him or something. She had just kissed him for f**k sake, what was his deal.

“Maybe I don’t want to kiss you!”

“Whatever,” She snapped back tightly, pushing down her anger at him. If he didn’t want to kiss her that was his problem, not hers. He was the one who was missing out, she thought sadly. She turned back to the movie in a pointed attempted to ignore him and his childish behavior.

She grabs another handful of chips and stuffs all of them in her mouth to stop herself from crying. Her throat aches as it restricted tightly, but she swallowed the chips anyway as her vision begins to blur.

That night Hazel hears August crying into his pillow, his gasps and hiccups loud and unrestrained. She can’t see his face in the darkness but she can hear his heart ran as if he has just woken up from a bad dream. She has never seen him like this before; venerable, broken. He writhes as if he was being tortured, his feet becoming tangled up in the blankets. It feels wrong in a way, like he has transformed under the light of a full moon and is no longer August. He is lying on the makeshift mattress in the lounge room, too far away from Hazel to touch. He could be on the other side of the world for all it mattered, she has no idea what to do.