Make an Effort

Chapter 8: Nuclear

August’s hair was short and spikey when she saw him walk towards his locker the next day. She had planned a steak out in front of it in English and had had to run to make it there before him. His face was scarily void of emotion, no anger, no sadness, no surprise. His cold eyes were shards of glass, unwilling to even acknowledge her existence.

Why can’t you just leave me alone?” like his eyes, his voice was cold and hard, causing Hazel to shrink back a bit. She wasn’t used to hearing him talk like that.

“I talked to my sister last night.” She started, tugging at a particularly annoying strand of hair which refused to be tucked behind her ear. It was if her hair had started a revolution within the school, all the boys seemed to be growing their hair out, tying it back in spikey ponytails or letting it flop over their faces, covering their acne.

“Good for you.” He almost sounded sarcastic, but his voice was too cold, too emotionless to really express it that way.

“And I have come to a conclusion.”

“Get out of my way.” He hissed, glancing around at the other students pushing past them to get to their own lockers. It was the first time Hazel had seen him so anxious around other students, it was odd. In all their previous fights, August hadn’t minded yelling at her at the top of his lungs in public places, in front of lots of students.

Hazel was sure many of the students had created their own theories about their relationship. When they weren’t in class they were together all the time apart from when they were fighting, and they always disappeared into their own private sanctuary together. It was no wonder some students had asked if she was gay.

“I understand that I’ve been unfair. I assumed that that was an okay thing to do and got annoyed that you didn’t agree with me.” She said, grabbing hold of his books, trying to lift the weight, to share the burden

“You are correct.” He said, trying to push past her, his stack of books wobbled worryingly as her hands slipped out from underneath them.

“I really did enjoy it, by the way.” She persisted, his locked door swinging out with a bang. It left a small dint in the locker next to it, scraping away some of the paint. Hazel wondered if August would be glad if that was her head.

“And, you lost all my patience, get out of my way.” He dumped his books unceremoniously into his locker and turned to leave, glancing up at her as she stood in his way.

Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say. But she had to say something, she had to try and convince him that she was sorry. She never meant for that kiss to destroy their relationship, she had only wanted to know what it felt like to kiss someone, and she loved it. She had never felt that way before, the electricity that coursed through her body felt amazing.

But one look at August’s face told her that he did not feel the same way.

“Would you please just explain to me why you’re angry.” She pleaded, tears welling up in her eyes, blurring her vision and frustrating her even more. Why wouldn’t he just talk to her? He would always want to hear about her life but whenever she asked him about his father or his past he would deflect it, move on to a new subject.

“I don’t need to explain anything to you.” He snapped, bearing his teeth like he might lash out at her.

He never told her anything, he would bottle it up inside, lock it up in the dark parts of his mind. She knew he wasn’t perfect but he was hurting himself and she didn’t know how to fix it. She was usually the reserved and quiet one but August made her want to tell him everything. She didn’t know how to get him to open up.

“No you don’t, but we were friends up until I f****d it up. I know I can’t take back what I did, but I don’t know what I did wrong. So… please…” Hazel faulted, her throat tightened painfully as tears run down her face. She didn’t know what she wanted to say, or even how to word it, all she knew is that she had to.

She hated his cold eyes. She wanted him to laugh, his warm, comforting, beautiful laugh that made her feel happier than she had in so long. His laugh, his smile, his presence brought colour into her sepia world.

“Please what?” He sneered like her pleas were a joke, and maybe to him, they were. She just couldn’t comprehend why.

“I, I love you,” she reached out and grabbed hold of his wrist, wanting him to stay, to listen, to love her back. She knew how stupid she sounded, even to her own ears.

Her voice was too masculine and she hated the way her words sounded in that voice. She didn’t sound like that young pretty girl in the movies, she sounded like that gay best friend who couldn’t hold back his feelings anymore.

August blushed violently, too shocked to shake off her hand, they just stand there looking at each other. Students moved around them like water. They moved fast as if she and August were on pause but everyone else was on fast-forward. Hazel couldn’t help but notice how warm his skin was against hers.

Something in his expression was wrong, something that Hazel couldn’t quite read correctly. It was if his body had shut down. His eyes were glazed as if he was watching a movie that was being projected onto his cornea.

“August? Did you want to go to our place?” She asked timidly, becoming acutely aware of the remaining students watching them intently.

He didn’t respond, his whole focus directed towards the inside of his eyes. In the end, she decided to drag him across the school grounds like a zombie towards the music rooms.

The small patch of grass had been cut since she had last come here with August, it was now covered with a smattering of colourful leaves. Hazel wanted to collect them for August to add a new layer of autumn leaves to his door.

August’s face had changed as tears silently trickled down his cheeks. His lip trembled uncontrollably as he tried and failed to hold himself together. Hazel had no idea what to do. She didn’t know how to comfort someone; she was always the one being comforted.

“August? August what’s wrong?” her voice rose in desperation as he began to loudly cry into his sleeves. All she could do was awkwardly rub circles on his back until he calmed down.

Leaves floated down around them like rain and the clouds raced across the sky aimlessly while she waited. It took a long time for his crying to stop and for his breathing to become even.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was so small, like a child’s, Hazel could barely hear it.

“No, it’s not your fault, you don’t have to be sorry for anything,” Hazel said hurriedly, holding up her hands and waving them wildly in his face. Her brain was trying frantically to come up with a way for him to understand that nothing was his fault.

Hazel had had her own fair share of breakdowns where she would curl up in a ball and cry until she fell asleep. It wouldn’t matter where she was or what she was doing they would just happen, her brain would think about something, like how she would be a ‘real girl’ no matter how hard she tried, or that everyone would just be better off if she was dead.

“No, I do,” he reassured her with a weak smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He reached out for her hand and held onto it tightly. “I was being a d**k and I didn’t even explain why. You told me about your attempted suicide but I never talked about my problems.”

“August, you don’t have to....” She tried but was cut off again.

“But I think I do; you deserve to know what happened to me. You’re my friend and I trust you.” He said, giving her hand another squeeze. Hazel, however, wasn’t too sure, it was clear that he hadn’t yet fully recovered from his first outburst, she didn’t want him to cause another one.

But, as it often does, curiosity got the better of her and despite her dislike of the idea, she asked him anyway.

“Well,” she offered curiously, giving his hand a comforting squeeze. “What happened?”

“My dad won’t be getting a ‘world’s best dad’ award any time soon,” he laughed bitterly, crushing a brittle leaf in his fist. An internal war waged inside his mind, trying to gather as much courage as he could muster to tell her the truth.

This was a side of him that Hazel never saw, the scared little boy who couldn’t find words that could express what he wanted to say.

Hazel felt her blood turn to ice, as her mind tried frantically to come up with a reason, to tell the story before August could even form the words. Every piece of fiction more outlandish and horrifying than the last.

“What did he do?” she coaxed, seeing his reluctance to even form the words.

“I haven’t told anyone about this, not even my mum, she broke up with him for different reasons, I’m sure she knew though, nothing can get past her,” August said, stumbling clumsily over his words.

Hazel gave him a pleading look. He looked so lost and unsure of what to say. It was the first time she had been able to see this side of him since they had first met. He always put on a show, a façade of confidence. Hazel had seen the cracks, but she didn’t realize his very foundations were ready to crumble.

“This is really hard to say to someone else. I don’t really know what to say.” He sniffed loudly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “My dad, he abused me. He used to…” he paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath, giving himself time to find the right words. “Make me feel weird,” He finished. He was dancing around what he really meant, unable to even express what had happened to him. “I was so f*****g young, Hazel; I didn’t know what he was doing. I thought it was normal. But it wasn’t; he was just f*****g sick.” He spat, his eyes flaring up with pure hatred.

“August, that’s…” She couldn’t find the words. There were no words to describe how terrible it was. She had no idea what to say or how to console him. She wasn’t a psychologist; she was a student. “That’s horrible.” She finished lamely.

August only smiled weakly at her. He knew what she was trying and failing to say. He knew that there were no words that could describe what he had been through. She knew that he had chosen his words carefully. They were a child’s words; a child who didn’t know enough to find the right ones.

“Mum ditched him though, we moved around a lot, he would follow us, he even came to my school once and asked to see me. It was a good thing my mum had told them that he couldn’t have any contact with me. That really scared me, you know. We had to move again after that. When I finally learned that what he did was wrong, I didn’t want to get into trouble. I don’t know why I thought that people might blame me for what he did. Stupid right, I was just a child, I had no idea what was going on. He said it was our secret.”

Hazel had no words to express how she felt. She had read stories about this happening to children but it never seemed real, just fiction. But as August sat in front of her she knew it wasn’t some story. It was real and so very f****d up.

August suddenly blanched a bright shade of red, angry flames flickering in his eyes.

“And you know what the shittiest part about it was?” he began to yell at nobody. He raised his face to the sky as if he was screaming at the sun, or he didn’t want Hazel to see the tears spilling down his cheeks. “I trusted him. I thought he was a great dad. I thought that that was what every dad f*****g did. I thought it was normal.”

Hazel felt her face turn green as he described what it was like with his father. He had only been a child; a little girl who didn’t know any better. Hazel’s world tilted violently as bile burned in her throat.

“That was why you were so scared when she called, that first time we met. You thought your father had found you again.” She coughed, wiping the back of her hand over her mouth.

It was like all the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. Why August had worn his jumper, even on the hottest of days. Why he hated people talking about others behind their backs. Why he had reacted so violently to her kiss. He covered up, hiding from the world, putting on an act that wasn’t quite him, because he could no longer trust the people around him.

He probably even had flashbacks when she kissed him. The bad kind.

Hazel pulled him roughly into a hug, crushing him against her chest, holding onto him tightly, protecting him from the world. They sat there for a long time as leaves fluttered down and clouds rushed past without a second glance.

“I have no idea what you’re going through,” she breathed into his hair as he sobbed into her jumper. “But I know what it’s like to feel lost and alone. I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere.”

She could feel August mumble something into her chest, but she couldn’t quite hear it as a strong breeze rushed through their garden.

“Sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.” She asked, pulling away and looking down into his puffy, red eyes.

“I said; that was really cheesy.” He said, cracking a faint smile.

Hazel couldn’t help but giggle at their joke, happy that he was now able to calm down.

“Maybe you should talk to your mum about it. I’m sure she would want to know.” She offered, thinking about how proud of her son she was.

“I’m sure she would.” He said absentmindedly, glaring away for a moment.

“So that means you’re not going to?”

“Not for now, I need to work up to it, gather the courage, you know?”

There was a pause, it wasn’t particularly awkward or uncomfortable for either of them, they were used to lapsing in and out of conversations as though caught in their minds and distracting them. August rubbed his eyes, trying to collect all of the tears that had caught in his lashes.

“I’m sorry I reacted like that,” he laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

“No, there is no need to apologize.”

“Yes, there is, you said you loved me and I broke down.”

Oh, that, Hazel thought, heat beginning to rise in her cheeks. She had hoped he would forget about what she had said in desperation, she had only wanted him to listen to her. Of course, it hadn’t been a lie, but she had never meant to say it out loud.

“You don’t have to worry about that…”

“But you do love me, right?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t change anything, we’re still friends right?” She said hastily, waving her arms around wildly as if warding off any thoughts he might have to the contrary.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you again,” August reassured, grabbing hold of one of her hands.

Hazel felt warmth spread through her like wildfire. No more pointless fights, no more cold glares and deadly silences, they knew more about each other than anyone else and they were going to understand and care about each other. That’s what his eyes said as their eyes met. He loved her and she loved him.

“Hey, that’s my line. I’m sorry for not figuring it out sooner, I wouldn’t have tried to kiss you if I had known.”

“Don’t apologize for not knowing something you weren’t supposed to know, just accept my apology for not telling you to know that that wasn’t what I wanted.” He smiled, repeating what she had said to him under an orange sky.

“I still want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand, forever and ever.”

“So you’re saying we’re allowed to be cheesy when we’re emotional?”

“Yes, now hold my f*****g hand.” He laughed, holding his hand out for her to take.

They wouldn’t kiss; not that day, not that week. But maybe someday, when August was ready when, she was ready. But they weren’t, not yet. And that was okay.