Grim Truths

7 Years Later

My dreams are haunted by green and gold. I open my eyes and I’m back in my high school cafeteria. Instead of the hustle and bustle of teenagers laughing and teachers gossiping about their own children, it’s empty and dark. The tables are folded and pushed against the walls. Posters of the prom theme, year book orders due soon, the final school play and miscellaneous scholarship advertisements pepper any spare white painted brick. The ceiling has paper snowflakes on fishing wire hanging from it. I hear the doors open and I turn around to see 15 teens look right at me.

“You could have stopped it,” they all said in unison. I cringed. I know these kids. Knew them, I should say. I’ve had this dream before. Suddenly, it’s cold. Too cold for a November night. My fingers turn blue and my tears freeze in my eyes. I look up and the snowflakes are real, falling to my feet. I look up at the teenaged children with familiar faces in front of me. One at a time, I hear an echoing gun shot, and they disappear, leaving splashes of red in the snow. I begin to cry harder.

“Wh-y didn’t you warn us?” The last girl with bright orange hair and blue eyes asks me. I wipe my eyes and more ice falls from my arm.

“I didn’t know,” I hiccup. “I swear I would have!” I cover my ears and scream when the last gunshot takes her away. In a flash, I see the dark eyes surrounded by green rust.

“NO, leave them alone!” I scream as loud as I can. I have to save them!

“AVORI! Wake up, it’s a nightmare!” It’s Myah. I grab her arm and pull myself into her sobbing. She rubs my back. I stayed at her and Cavin’s apartment tonight like I do every year. The same nightmare haunts me every single year.

“Is she okay?” I hear Cavin in the doorway. My little brother grew up and became a therapist for trauma victims. Most of his clients are retired soldiers and police officers. He and Myah got engaged shortly after high school and married 2 years later. They’re now expecting their first child together.

“I’m fine, Cav, I’m sorry I scared you both. I’m okay, now,” I wipe away tears I didn’t even know had formed.

“Ava, it was seven years ago and you’re still blaming yourself. You have to stop beating yourself up,” Cavin says while trying to make eye contact with me. I avert my eyes to my hands.

“I’m really thirsty, I’m going to go get a glass of water.” I release Myah from my grasp and get out of bed. Cavin sighs and moves aside so I can get through. I let out a low thank you and walk down the stairs.

“I get it if you don’t want to talk to me about it but you need to talk to someone. I can put you in contact with someone…”

“Cavin, really, I’m fine. There are others who can’t say the same,” I grab a water bottle from their fridge and crack it open. I finish half the bottle in one breath.

“You’re not though. You’ve been my sister for almost 22 years. I remember at least 17 of them,” he jokes.

“I saw him,” I say quietly.

“You saw who?”

“The man that did that to them. The shooter. The man who took 15 lives from high school children and 2 teachers. I saw him,” my voice is rough. I’ve never told anyone this. I don’t know why I’m telling Cavin now.

“You couldn’t have. He killed himself after he did what he did. He’s dead, Ava. You’re safe,” he says in that shrinky-therapeutic voice. I roll my eyes.

“No, that day we all skipped our last class. That day you and Myah went to the mall for your first date. The day I went home and decided to take a nap at 2:30 in the afternoon. The day so many peoples lives were changed. November 8th, 2014 at 2:04 in the afternoon, I saw that man in a rusted green pick up, drive into the student parking lot while I drove away.” I can feel myself shaking but this confession just keeps pouring out and I don’t see the point in stopping now.

“I could have called the police or something. I should have saved those kids.” I finish and feel sobs rise from my chest. This time Cavin hugs me.

“Avori, even if you did, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. How were you supposed to know what he was planning? Besides, Mr. Dohr called as soon as he saw that gun.” He stops hugging me and holds my shoulders. He’s so much older now. Still the same boyish features but his jaw really squared and he has a little beard now. He also keeps his hair cut shorter now, though Myah hates it.

“Thanks, Cav. You’re the best.” I give my best convincing smile to him. He sighs in return but clearly knows I no longer want to discuss it.

“Anytime. You should still consider talking to someone. You lived through a life altering experience. That memory doesn’t fade away. It’s with you for life, Ava. Myah and I did for years and still do sometimes.”

How do I tell him that I deserve all this guilt? I could have stopped the man. I could have screamed or something. Someone would have heard me. No one questioned why we weren’t at school. Not even our parents. Everyone was just so happy that we were okay. Except that I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to be okay ever again.

“Cavin! Avori!” Myah screams like she’s in trouble. Cavin and I sprint up the stairs and into their bathroom. Myah is standing in front of the sink with her feet in a puddle. She’s arched slightly with one hand over her engorged belly and the other on the countertop. My jaw drops.

“It’s show time! My water broke!” Myah yells. As if possessed, Cavin sneaks past me and into the hallway. I hear him rummaging through the house. I shake my head to jerk me back from my stupor and grab Myah by the arm.

“Let’s get your jacket and some shoes. I can help you walk to the car, okay?” We don’t live too far from the hospital where mom works. After everything, our parents decided a new city and a new school was the best way to move past it.

“Cavin is grabbing everything. My emergency Crocs are already in the car. To say Cav is prepared is the understatement of the century.” She tries to laugh but it sounds hollow.

She was right. There was a thick jacket and the ugliest pair of yellow foam shoes I have ever seen in the trunk of their Equinox. Soon Cavin is behind us with a giant duffel bag of clothes, a laptop, chargers, and their phones. I offer to drive so Cavin can notify our parents and Myah’s family.

Too soon the car is full of screaming Myah and Cavins breathing instructions. I’m only 10 minutes away from the hospital but I already have a migraine.

“If you tell me how to breathe one more time I’m going rip your lungs out!” Myah yells at Cavin between her screaming and sobbing. I look in the rear view mirror in time to see all the color drain from my brother’s face. I stifle a laugh with a cough.

Lady Luck was on our side thankfully. All the spotlights were green even the very last left turn into the hospital drop off. Cavin and Myah are met with 4 staff and a wheelchair. The man really does think of everything.

“Don’t worry about the bags, I will grab them! Go be with our wife,” I wink and his shoulders relax and he mouths a thank you before chasing the nurses. I take the Equinox back into the line of traffic to find the parking lot entrances. You would think finding parking at 3am would be an easy task, but not today apparently. I drive up 3 levels in the parking garage before finding a spot.

Once I’m pulled into a spot large enough for the giant red SUV, I walk around to the trunk and grab Cavin’s duffle bag, Myah’s purse and my overnight bag. I won’t be able to stay in the room after the baby is born but this hospital also has a hotel across the street. I shut the trunk and lock up before making my way to the elevators across the lot.

I push the elevator button to go down and after a few seconds the double wide door slides open. Once inside I push the worn out button that used to have a large letter L printed on to it.

As the door closes I look up and for a split second I see the top of a bright orange head with matching blue eyes. Blood falls from her lips and then she’s gone. The door is closed. I back up and hit my head against the wall my breathing comes in short and raspy and I’m struggling to see clearly. Am I dreaming again?? I pinch myself hard enough to gasp and wince. No. Not dreaming.

The elevator halts and squeals causing me to scream. The door slides open and I’m faced with 3 people. One older couple and a teenaged boy holding his arm in a navy colored cast. I assume they’re a family. I advert my gaze to my feet and quickly walk out of the elevator.

Once out of their field of view, I begin to sprint as fast as my legs can take me. I make it to large double door and throw my weight into it, almost falling as I bulldoze into a hallway. I stumble over to the wooden handrail and guide my body to the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest and bury my face between them while forcing myself to concentrate on my breathing.

One thing I’ve never told anyone is that I see them occasionally. Usually they’re only in my dreams. Only 3 times have I seen them while awake. I’m not sure what it means or how long I can keep up the act that everything is normal and fine. Maybe it’s just survivors guilt. How long do I live with this? How long before I can’t keep it a secret and people think I’m crazy?

A buzzing in my pocket stirs me from my demons. The notification says that it’s my mom calling. I pick up and try to shake any dread and fear from my voice.

“Hey, Mom! Where are you?”

“Dad and I are en route. About 3 blocks away. Are you okay? You sound kind of nervous,” she says worriedly. My heart swells a bit.

“No, yeah! I’m fine. Myah just suddenly going into labor scared us all a little bit,” I chuckle awkwardly, “but she and Cav are in the hospital somewhere!”

“Oh, gosh, your dad and I just knew that today would be the day! Myah is 8 days past due! Okay, baby we’re pulling up now, we will see you soon!”

“Hey, fair warning: there’s no parking until level 3 so don’t waste your time. I love you!”

“Love you, more!” I hear both my parents say before disconnecting.

Picking myself and all the bags up, I hurry down the long hallway. There are paintings of wild flowers and different landscapes evenly spaced along the walls. I reach a reception desk and there is an older gentleman working on last weeks New York Times word search.

“Hello, can you tell me where and how to get to the area where the babies are born?” I laugh nervously. “The, uh, Birthing Center?”

“Good morning, ma’am! Of course!” He pulls out a mini brochure type map from the information rack which hangs from the wall behind his chair.

He gives detailed but easy to follow instructions and within minutes I’m in front of another desk. This time I’m greeted with a less friendly looking middle aged woman.

“Good morning. I’m looking for Myah Marlowe, she came in about 15 minutes ago?”

“Yeah. I know who you’re talking about,” she says between gum chews, “go left down this hall and at the end take another left. She’s in 519D, but believe me, you will hear her before you see her.” I guess I was right about the unfriendly judgement call. I thank her and bid her farewell before turning away.

True to her word, about half way down the hall I could hear Myah groaning loudly in pain. I pick up my pace a little bit towards the end of the hallway and take the second left. 519D is two rooms down from the intersection, I mentally note.

“If this baby doesn’t come out of my soon I swear on everything holy I’ll reach up there and grab her myself!” Myah threatens. I almost want to run for the hills.

“Or boy!” Cavin is trying to be funny. I hit my hand to my forehead.

“You think you’re so funny why don’t you crawl up here and push this watermelon out of your hole!” I laugh to myself. Poor Cav.

I walk into the room and place all the bags on a small loveseat by a window. I turn to Cavin and Myah and smile widely.

“Cavin, why don’t you go get some coffee and some shaved ice for Myah,” I ask calmly. He looks like he’s going to cry. He nods and walks out of the room.

“Myah, honey. Everything is gonna be okay. Are you getting an epidural?”

“I want to say no because natural births are beautiful and magical but yes, please!”

I push the help button and a nurse comes in within a minute.

“Is it possible to get an epidural now?” I ask the nurse with an apologetic tone. Myah is in pain and miserable, I don’t want to make it worse on them.

“Of course. I’ll send in an anesthesiologist right away,” she nods and scurries away. Cavin walks in with our mom and Myah’s mom.

Within 30 minutes, a woman comes in with her equipment and about 40 more minutes later, Myah is numbed up.

3 hours later, myself and the very soon to be grandpa’s are removed from the room and sent to the waiting area. Within 45 minutes, my Dad and Arnold, Myah’s father, are asleep. I decide to take a stroll around the hospital.

One elevator ride and a walk across a skywalk later I find myself in the Urgent/Intensive Care waiting area. One side of the room is covered in large windows, showing a beautiful view of the Mississippi River. The adjacent wall had a variety of overused inspirational quotes hung in abstract patterns that took too much thought to be able to read. I hear whispering behind me but I ignore it to be courteous.

“I SAID LOOK AT ME!” the voice screams in my ear. I whip around and quickly cover my mouth to muffle a horrified scream from escaping my lips.

A girl, maybe 16 with wet blonde hair and pale skin is looking at me. Her eyes are white and glazed like a corpse and her clothes are tattered. Her clothes are soaked, all of her is soaking wet. She’s not wearing shoes and there’s a puddle of water soaking into the blue and grey patterned carpet. There’s a deep purple bruise on her left ankle and foot.

“I told my friends we got too close to the river weeds,” she whispers, water falling from her mouth, “they never listen to me.”

Suddenly, she starts to glow, her color returns and she looks alive. She walks down a hallway but almost like a blink of an eye, she disappears.

“First time watching a soul harvest?” A man asks me. He’s dark skinned but golden eyes that seem to peer into my soul. “Sorry if she scared you.”