Untamed

Detour

I decided to take a detour on my way back to the dorms. I couldn’t get the dance studio out of my mind since I saw it when I got here. It was like a poisonous relationship that I kept returning to even when I knew it was a bad idea. Unlike a bad, poisonous relationship blaming a mental and physical abusive person. I was the person responsible for it.

I couldn’t blame my feet for moving too slow or not having the skill. Maybe if I just had the courage to put the past where it belongs then I might take a chance.

I started out young and I was one of the best dancers but when I turned sixteen everything changed. I found out that my mother used to be a contemporary dancer in her earlier days before she met my father.

I left the industry because I wanted no comparison to her. It still hurts whenever I think about her and what she’s done to me. The pain of what I did to myself keeps replaying in the back of my mind. It’s a constant reminder. One I am trying to run away from but it still feeds on me and fuels me with rage.

I gazed through the window like some stalker, spying on someone. I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone called the cops on me or if someone thought I was some freak.

“Nice kicks.” An unknown voice startled me. I gazed at the person and focused on keeping my expression bleak when my eyes landed on a tall blonde girl. Her hair was pulled back into a tight and neat ballerina bun. I thought I had mistaken the dance studio being a contemporary studio when I realized that she must be a ballerina.

“The view is much better from inside.” She added, gesturing at the studio.

Any excuse would have come in handy if I just could think of one but my mind was empty. All I kept thinking about was how to get inside and just dance until every excuse I’ve ever made can disappear.

“I actually have to get going.” Pathetic excuse. I thought to myself. I was running away again and turning to my excuses. 

She gave me a knowing look as if she saw right through my piteous excuse. “You are more than welcome to join us. Fernando loves having newbies join his class.” I aimed to convince myself to leave and get out of here but my feet and heart had a mind of their own.

“Maybe another time,” I said with some effort and finally started to make my way.

I hate the feeling of letting my distaste for my mother still control my outcome. Before I quit being a dancer. I always imagined my mother sitting in the audience. Wishing that my life could be different. I kept holding onto that possibility of her showing up one day. 

My feet came to a sudden halt when my brain had a breakthrough. 

“What am I doing?” I asked myself and then glanced over my shoulder. The girl who talked to me was gone by now.

I promised myself to use my second chance to its full advantage and I promised myself to never back away from something that I am passionate about. This is not some audition where instructors focus on strict footwork, choreography and originality.

I turned around and headed back to the dance studio. I kicked off my shoes when I saw that everyone has taken off theirs and placed them on the shelf outside the studio.

The instructor was talking to everyone and stopped midway when I entered the room.

He smiled at me. “Please come on in. There is more than enough room.” He said, kindly.

I nodded at him and then saw the girl who met me outside grinning at me. “I’m Fernando and welcome to our small family.” The instructor introduced. “And you are?” He asked me.

“Jaylin,” I answered.

I found a spot between the other dancers while he continued with his speech. I didn’t get any strange vibes from the dancers. It wasn’t a place for the high or medium class of dancers. It was designed for the ones who are seen as outcasts and love to dance. A place for the heartbroken ones who gave it their all and was still rejected.

“Dancing is all about self-discovery. One song. One rhythm can control the outcome of your dance. In here we have no rules but to dance to the best we can. There is nobody who judges our type of style. Calling it barbaric and making no sense because we are not telling a fairy-tale story.” He stopped talking but a smile played on his lips.

“They are so wrong. Of course, we are telling a story. A story of heartache, hate, love and we show off our moves with feeling. We love to dance and this is exactly what this studio is about. There is no best dancer here. Every single one of you is the best version of yourselves. So, forget about all those stereotypes while you are here and just dance your heart out.”

I can’t even remember the last time I was at a dance studio or participated in any form of dance. Skateboarding became my survival tool. Every injury was a way to make me feel better until I became a pro and I didn’t get hurt anymore. I then found other forms of substances that filled that dark hole inside of me that almost cost my life.

“I’m glad that you finally decided to join us.” The girl said to me when she walked up to me after Fernando divided us into groups.

“I’m Hailey by the way.” She held her out to me while introducing herself.

“Jaylin.” I shook her hand.

“Unusual name for a girl.” I shrugged.

“Like it is unusual for a ballerina to be this side of town and being part of a dance class that has nothing to do with ballet?” I asked.

Her smirk caught me by surprise. “Who said that I am an uptown kind of gal?” I snickered at her playfulness.

Fernando called us all to the dancefloor. I joined the rest of the dancers and I honestly didn’t know what to expect from any of them. He then started to show us some moves after having our warm-up. He then divided us into teams of four and let us showcase his moves. Hailey was in a different group and once her group was called up. I couldn’t remove my eyes from her. Most of the contemporary dancers from when I used to be one, called ballerina’s stiff. They talked about how they didn’t have rhythm and how obedient they were but looking at Haley move. I decided to break that stereotype.

My group was next and I felt everyone’s eyes on me the moment the music started to replay. They made me confident because I knew I wasn’t being judged but awed. All of us had the skill to be here and we understood the feeling of the dance.

They made me forget about all the negativity of competing or always trying to be the best. They made me want to dance to the best ability of how I felt. Somewhere along the line, I started to remember why I started dancing in the first place. Not because I wanted to be like my mother but because of how the music and dance made me feel about myself.

I never wanted to stop but I had no choice when the beat dropped.

The overwhelming feeling of my heart beating in my chest was a reminder that I was alive and how much I missed this. The feeling of losing control and regaining it by taking charge. Breaking the boundaries of being perfect fades and the only thing you think of is the sound of the music.

For an hour we just danced following Fernando’s choreography and sometimes we made up our own moves. Depended on the beat of the tracks. I saw a smile on my face every time I caught my reflection in the mirrors. There was absolutely no way that I was going to deny the great feeling of being able to dance again.

I thanked Fernando for an awesome class before making my way out. Hailey was waiting at the shoe rack while talking to a young girl. “I knew that I saw something in you when I saw you standing outside,” Hailey said to me when she glanced my way and noticed me.

“I just didn’t think that you would be that astonishing.” I laughed softly.

“Because of my bizarre looks?” I referred to wearing baggy pants and a t-shirt while everyone in there was either wearing tights or shorts and tops showing off their body’s physique.

“On the contrary,” Hailey replied. “You’ve danced before, haven’t you?” She asked.

“Maybe a long time ago,” I answered, slipping on my shoes.

“Does an injury have to do with it?” She asked.

I shook my head. “Personal reasons,” I answered.

She seemed to understand my answer because she didn’t ask further questions. “I’m glad you suppressed them because you are quite the dancer.”

I just smiled unable to think of anything I could say that positive.

“Well, I hope to be able to dance like both of you one day.” The young girl said that Hailey was talking to, a few minutes ago.

Hailey smiled at her. “Jaylin, this is Miley. She is fifteen and has the dreams of becoming a contemporary dancer like her mother.” Hailey introduced.

“Your mom was a dancer?” I asked Miley.

She nodded. “Oh, she was the best contemporary dancer ever. She is now a contemporary instructor and helping me work on my techniques.”

“She lets you dance here as well?” I asked, surprised.

“Fernando used to be a contemporary dancer himself and Hailey is breaking all the rules of becoming the first freestyle contemporary dancer even though her mom is a ballet instructor.” Hailey just shrugged.

“She pushed you to become a ballerina,” I noted and Hailey nodded her head.

“In a few months, I am going to break her little heart by announcing my most significant success ever,” Hailey remarked. Her eyes sparkling with joy as she spoke.

“And your mom?” Miley then asked when I haven’t said anything about her.

I was grasping for words because I’ve never really talked about my mother to other people besides my father, Camille and Sasha-lee. Most people presumed that my mother passed away.  

The sound of a thundering motorcycle came out of nowhere which startled me and it kind of covered my discomfiture until the person lifted the visor from their helmet.