The other side of him

Not much help

December came and I took test again and I had my first ultrasound.  I ask how far along I was. They didn't know. It frustrated me. Just my luck. I took the picture and smiled. I was glowing my friend said I was glowing. I must be I smiled. What is even worst is he made me smile? Why did he make me smile. I felt like a girl crushing hard. That wasn't me but, why was it now? He caught me staring at him. "What?" He knows damn well what. "Nothing" I add "just thinking life" I cover it up. Good job! Nice one. I stare out of the window. Life keeps giving me wild cards and beating the s**t out of me.  

Fast forward to day of birth. 

My water broke? I'm not dilated  oh God is baby coming. I been having contractions and I was so happy. I told him earlier morning ."are you sure?" "I'm not sure but I didn't piss so yes" he smiles and I'm excited. "Ok I will drop you off on my way to work call me if it is false alarm" I get I had few false alarms. My back hurts I'm leaking milk. I want to eat without getting sick.

So I got dressed and sat in his car and he drove more like sped to the hospital. I loved him for it. Wow did I just say love? I must be brain dead I can't love can I?  No I can't love.  

Then in no time I was being checked in a room. My water broke but I wasn't dilated enough. I was hungry. They wouldn't let me eat anything but ice and drink water. I changed into the gown and they put IV in me to monitor me. Then they put it on my stomach to monitor baby. I was so happy. I watched TV and my friend came to visit.  I didn't want epidural. She looked at me weird. I chuckle. I got high pain tolerance. Boy was I wrong. The contractions got stronger and I needed it. She chuckled and teases me "thought you had high pain tolerance" I glare at her. "So did you tell the baby father?" She was referring to my ex. I shook my head."I don't know what he will do" she looked at me. "he loves you you know" I didn't say anything. She added "call me when you have the baby. I wanna see him or her" she smiled. "I will" she left. I was alone and I wish I had the baby father here with me. What if he wasn't?  What if he tries to kill me or worse try to make me stay with him and work it out. I felt my breathing get crazy. I panic and my heart raced fast. I kept thinking of the knife on his throat. I shake my head. Not today I ain't going to let him ruin my memory of my child life Beginning. Still I wonder if the child will die. There was heartbeat so that was good sign. What if I die? I felt horrible but, I finally accepted it if I die today giving birth it was worth it.