Before We Were Strangers.

What Comes Next.

The next day, the sky looked washed out. Like all the colors got rinsed away in the rain.

Julian stood outside the café for way too long. Just staring through the glass. Clara was already inside, at the corner table. She had her coat on even though it was not cold.

When he finally went in, the bell made that annoying little jingle.

“You came.” She said.

“Yeah”. His chair scraped loud before seating.”I said I would.”

The waitress came by and put two coffees down as she had known Julian’s preference. One black and the other one with three sugars. Clara still took hers like that. Neither of them drank and the cups just went cold between them.

The silence between them got very uncomfortable fast. “I have spent two years trying to understand why you left,”Clara said while looking at the window, not him.

Julian rubbed his face saying “I know.” But she replied quite fast saying “No, you don’t.”

“I know we lost her,Clara.” Her mouth did the little twitch.“ I could have……I don’t know. I could have handled the grief. What I could not handle was you disappearing too.”

He could not answer the question, so he did not bother saying any other thing. After a while he said “ I thought staying would make it harder on you.”

He said he could not look at her without seeing the image of the hospital.

Clara reached into her bag and pulled out a small wooden box. The corners were worn smooth. She set it on the table between their cold coffees. Julian’s chest tightened immediately he saw the wooden box.

“ I have had her with me everyday for straight two years,” Clara said quietly. His hands started to teach for the box but he could not get hold of himself at all.

“I tried coming to the hospital but I just could not get out of the car, I was not strong enough.” Neither of them touched the box. It sat there like it was heavier than wood should be.

After a while, Julian whispered and said “ I still hear the doctor sometimes.” He remembered it all, the running in the hall, the machines beeping and the way the consultant talked so calm like he had done this a hundred times.

“A sudden placental abruption. There was nothing you could have done. These things are rare.” He had heard every word but he just never believed them.

“I should have taken you in sooner,” he said even though it did not come out fully. Julian was putting the blame on himself over and over again then Clara reached across and put her hand over his.

Julian said “ I was supposed to protect both of you.”but I failed woefully at my responsibility. A tear wet down Clara’s cheek, she did not wipe it.” You were her dad. You loved her before she was even born.”

Julian looked at the box again but this time he picked it up . It was lighter than expected amd said “okay, I will come.”

Later they drove past the city. To the cliffs, the ones they had talked about visiting someday with the baby.

The wind smelled like salt and the waves were loud down below. Julian held the box with both of his hands. “ she should have seen this,”Clara said. Julian could not talk, he just nodded.

They opened it together and the wind took the ashes right away. Little grey bits the sun for a while, then gone out over the water. Clara took his hands for a minute to help him get out of the guilt.

Holding of his hands did not necessarily signal the fact that she wanted him back. Just because grief is stupid and it ties you to people.

Then she let go .

“I think she has forgiven us,” Clara said.

That night he stood outside Elena’s flat. Almost left twice. When she opened the door she did not say anything other than to step aside.

Julian took his careful time to explain how everything had been amen the real truth about the relationship he had with Clara.

“I was not scared of Clara,” Elena said. “I was scared of being with a man who was still in the middle of grieving a whole life.”

Julian looked down. “ Yeah. That’s fair.” He git the message Elena meant and left her flat quietly but full of sober.

One evening, she found the note again in the green book.

Some maps are drawn too late to guide the people who needed them the most. Maybe they only exist to explain where we have been.

She read it twice, not because it was hurtful but because it made more sense to her now. She let herself picture it for a second. Then she let it go.

You don’t get to live life by “ what ifs”. You just kept walking after the ones that ended.

She turned away from the river and never looked back.