EPISODE 23: The Space I Asked For
1370 Words
Ethan's POV
If someone had asked me three months ago whether I loved Noah...
I wouldn't have hesitated.
I would've said yes.
Without thinking.
Without questioning it.
Because for two years, loving Noah had become as natural as breathing.
Every morning started with his "Good morning."
Every night ended with his "Sleep well."
Between those two messages...
There was us.
So when did everything begin to change?
...
I ask myself that question almost every day now.
Sometimes I convince myself there wasn't a reason.
Other times...
I know exactly when it started.
It started the night Drake invited everyone over to his house.
It was supposed to be nothing more than our usual boys' night.
Video games.
Pizza.
Movies.
Trash talking.
I still remember walking into Drake's living room.
"You're late," Drake complained the moment he saw me.
"I had somewhere to be."
"Liar."
"I know."
We both laughed.
I had barely sat down when someone walked down the staircase.
He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and grey sweatpants.
His hair was still damp as though he had just showered.
He wasn't trying to impress anyone.
Yet...
My eyes found him immediately.
For a second...
Everything around me became strangely quiet.
"Oi."
Drake snapped his fingers in front of my face.
"What?"
"You've been staring for like ten seconds."
I quickly looked away.
"I wasn't."
"The hell you weren't."
Before I could defend myself, the guy had already reached us.
Drake casually threw an arm around his shoulder.
"Ethan."
"This is my cousin."
"Ace."
Ace smiled politely.
"Nice to meet you."
His smile wasn't overly bright.
It was simple.
Comfortable.
His eyes...
I had never seen eyes like that before.
Calm.
Clear.
Almost hypnotic.
I shook his hand.
"You too."
That was all.
Just a greeting.
Nothing special.
At least...
That's what I told myself.
On my way home that night, I caught myself thinking about him.
Not because I liked him.
Or so I believed.
I convinced myself I was simply appreciating someone who happened to be good-looking.
People admired beautiful paintings.
Beautiful sunsets.
Beautiful people.
There was nothing wrong with that.
Right?
...
Then I saw him again.
And again.
Drake often invited Ace whenever we hung out.
At first...
I'd only steal quick glances.
Then those glances became conversations.
Conversations became jokes.
Jokes became long discussions whenever Drake left us alone.
I learned that Ace loved old vinyl records.
He preferred coffee over tea.
He hated horror movies.
He volunteered at an animal shelter twice every month.
He had this habit of listening more than speaking.
And every time he smiled...
I caught myself smiling too.
It happened so gradually...
I never realized how much attention I had begun giving him.
Until one day...
I was sitting across from Noah.
He was talking excitedly about something that had happened in class.
I watched his lips move.
I heard his voice.
But...
My mind wasn't there.
It was somewhere else.
Thinking about Ace.
That realization scared me.
Because Noah deserved better than someone who wasn't completely present.
So I tried.
God...
I tried.
I took Noah on dates.
Bought him flowers.
Spent more time with him.
I kept hoping the spark would return.
That maybe I was just stressed.
Maybe university was exhausting me.
Maybe I simply needed rest.
But every time my phone buzzed...
A part of me hoped it would be Ace.
And every time it wasn't...
Disappointment quietly settled inside me.
I hated myself for it.
Noah had done nothing wrong.
Nothing.
He was still kind.
Still thoughtful.
Still patient.
Still the same Noah who had stood beside me for two years.
Yet somehow...
I was the one changing.
Not him.
Me.
...
That's why...
I asked for space.
Not because I wanted to break up.
Not because I stopped caring about Noah.
I asked for space because I needed to know the truth.
I needed to know whether I had genuinely fallen for Ace...
Or whether I was simply going through a passing phase.
Because if it was just a phase...
I wanted to fight it.
I wanted to return to Noah with my whole heart.
Not half of it.
I owed him that much.
...
Since then...
I've spent more time with Ace.
We've gone out for coffee.
Studied together.
Taken walks after class.
Nothing romantic.
Nothing official.
Just...
Time.
Time I thought would give me answers.
Instead...
It only left me with more questions.
Because every time I enjoyed being around Ace...
Something else happened.
Something I never expected.
I'd see Noah across campus.
Walking with Ava.
Laughing at something she'd said.
And this uncomfortable feeling would settle in my chest.
Jealousy.
The first time it happened, I frowned at myself.
Why?
Wasn't this exactly what I wanted?
Wasn't I the one who asked for space?
So why did seeing Noah smile without me...
Bother me so much?
...
A few days later...
I saw him again.
This time outside one of the lecture halls.
A group of students walked past him.
Someone accidentally bumped his shoulder.
Another guy caught his arm to steady him.
Noah smiled politely.
Said thank you.
Then continued talking.
I don't even know who that guy was.
Yet...
My jaw tightened.
I hated it.
I hated the feeling.
Because I had no right.
Noah wasn't cheating.
He wasn't betraying me.
He was simply...
Living.
Exactly as I had asked him to.
...
The worst moment came last week.
I walked past him on campus.
For months...
Whenever our eyes met...
I'd always see hope.
Sadness.
A silent question.
As if he were waiting for me to say,
"I'm ready now."
But this time...
He simply looked at me.
Gave me a small, polite nod.
Then continued walking.
No hesitation.
No lingering glance.
No attempt to stop me.
Nothing.
I should've felt relieved.
Instead...
My chest felt strangely empty.
I stopped walking.
Without realizing it.
I turned around.
He didn't.
He kept walking.
As if...
He no longer expected me to come after him.
...
That night...
I couldn't sleep.
I kept replaying that moment.
His expression.
His calmness.
His indifference.
I whispered into the darkness,
"This is what you wanted."
"So why does it hurt?"
No answer came.
Only silence.
...
A few days later...
I met Drake for coffee.
He noticed something was wrong almost immediately.
"You've been spacing out all afternoon."
I sighed.
"Have I?"
"You have."
He stirred his drink before looking at me.
"Is this about Noah?"
I stared into my coffee.
"I don't know."
Drake frowned.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
I rubbed my forehead.
"I asked Noah for space because I wanted to understand my own heart."
"I thought if I spent more time around Ace..."
"I'd finally know whether what I felt was real."
Drake remained quiet.
"I still enjoy being around Ace."
"I still look forward to seeing him."
"So..."
"Why does seeing Noah with other people make me feel like this?"
Drake leaned back in his chair.
"And how does it make you feel?"
I laughed bitterly.
"Like someone's slowly taking away something that still belongs to me."
The words left my mouth...
And immediately I regretted them.
Because Noah...
Never belonged to me.
He was never something I could place on a shelf and expect to find exactly where I left him.
Drake looked at me seriously.
"Ethan."
"You asked for space."
"I know."
"You wanted time."
"I know."
"So Noah gave it to you."
"I know."
Each answer became quieter.
He sighed.
"You can't expect someone to stay frozen while you're trying to figure out your feelings."
I lowered my eyes.
"I know."
"But..."
My voice cracked slightly.
"I didn't think he'd stop waiting."
Silence settled between us.
Drake didn't tell me I was right.
He didn't tell me I was wrong.
He simply let me sit with my own thoughts.
For the first time since asking Noah for space...
A question echoed louder than all the others.
Did I ask for space because I needed answers...
Or because I believed Noah would still be there no matter how long I took?
And somehow...
That question frightened me more than anything else.
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