Their Truth

5. Nightmare

Saorise

~This is a trigger warning~

Its dark, smells like concrete and filth. I'm laying on a thin mattress with a small blanket over me, but im freezing because I'm naked. How did I end up here? I'm usually so careful about where I sleep.

The door opens and the huge man from earlier is standing there.

"hello my little Irish girl, I need to make sure you are ready for auction. no one likes blood with price we charge so we need to be sure." he tells me in his Russian accent.

I think for a minute he is going to wash me and I'm relieved. I go to stand up and he grabs me and pushed me down flat the the mattress and holds me there.

In that moment I realise what is about to happen and I start kicking and screaming.

"scream all you like little girl, I like it better that way"

"I'm not a virgin, I swear I'm not" I cry but he continues, I can her a wrapper of a condom and I fight harder but I'm tiny and he is massive. I feel him enter me and I start crying, screaming out.

"Stop!! please stop, No!"

"SAORISE!! Come on wake up Little Flame."

I jerk awake in a bed and I can feel someone's hands on me and I leap back, I'm frantic.

"Its okay its me, its Pheonix, look at me, look right here, see me."

I see him hovering feet away making sure I don't run for the door. He looks so worried, but his words are slow and soothing, his hand is out to reach for me but not touching me. It all starts to become clearer and I realise where I am.

"Pheonix?" I know I've said his name but it doesn't even sound like my voice, its raw, sounds like I've been screaming for hours and comes out on a sob.

He reaches for me then, claiming up on the bed with me, pulling me into his arms as he strokes my hair and whispers in my ear,

"shhhhh, thats right baby, its me. I'm here, you're safe they can't get you now. shhhh"

He rocks me slowly as I cry and he continues to whisper soothing words in my ear. After a few minutes he picks me up and carries me across the hall to his room. He positions himself with his back against the headboard of his massive bed, me in his lap, held tightly against his chest.

He reaches for the bottle of water on the bedside table and feeds me little sips. When I'm finished he pulls the blanket around me, and he starts to rock again.

"leave the nightmares in that room little flame, you can sleep now, ill hold you, no one will get you ever again." He whispers in my ear. I don't think ill fall asleep again but I'm happy to be where I am right now, and with that thought I drift off.

I wake to the sound of hushed voices, and realise I am still cradled against Nix's cheat, and can feel the rumble of his words.

"She needs to see someone who can handle this, I want to help her but I'm no therapist Bonnie. What am I going to do? I've sat here like this for 3 hours now, its 4 o clock, I have to work in 2 hours. Everytime I try to put her down she whimpers, and I don't want her to cry, or be scared again. Jesus Bonnie she was so terrified. Help me, Help her Bonnie please."

Bonnie sighs and replies "I'll call around tonight and see do we have any trusted people who can talk to her, she can't go to just anyone they will want to know the whole story and want her to report it to the cops. River has already told your Dad and he is looking for the gang who took her. You know how he feels about human trafficking and especially since she escaped them somewhere in our Brough. She's scared Nix, give her time."

"I'll sleep like this every night with her if I have too I don't care." He strokes my hair and I lift my head and look at him, the concern in his face is obvious, and he look tired.

"Hey, Little Flame, how are you feeling?"

I stretch out and he takes the opportunity to do the same. I'm a little embarrassed about being curled up in his lap, so I sit up and slide off onto the bed.

"I'm so sorry about waking you, you didn't need to keep me here."

"I didn't mind, I'd rather you get some sleep." he tells me, I get all welled up because I'm not used to someone being this nice to me, and he has done so much for me in the last 12 hours.

"Don't cry, its okay it was just a nightmare, we can handle it. Bonnie is going to make some calls about you seeing someone who can help. Would that be okay? Will you do it?"

I nod my head because I don't want to talk incase the tears spill over. I find no shame in seeing a therapist, my dad was a psychologist after all. My parents. God I wish they were here now.

I can't think more melancholy thoughts right now, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and live another day.

I've been doing it for years, today is no different.

"I'm going to have a shower if that's okay? I didn't get to have one last night and I would really like to wash that place and them people off my skin." I see Nix and Bonnie flinch as I say that but Bonnie offers me her hand to get up from the bed. I take it and as we walk from the room she starts to talk, "I'll bring you some more clean clothes, do you know what size you are, might help me out, and shoe size? There is a shower in your room and it has stuff in it, so use all of them if you want. The boys will be gone at 6 and me and Ivy will be working too, so you will have the place to yourself do you think you will be okay? it will only be a few hours

"

She looks at me, I smile and nod, give her my measurements and shoe size and duck into the bathroom of my room. I turn on the shower and let the water roll over me while I sit on the floor. I do something I never let myself do, I think. I think about all the bad things I never let myself think about.

My parents, and their deaths.

My old home in Ireland.

The many cold nights I've slept in doorways and Park benches to keep myself from being discovered.

The times I've stayed in shelters and been robbed.

When I have been so hungry I didn't know what I was going to do.

I almost sold my body a few times to eat, but Bernard, an old man who you could usually find around Camden Town, would always help me eat so I didn't have too.

When I woke up being shoved into a van and taken to the cell.

When he r***d me.

When he washed me and took blood and urine the next day with some doctor to test me for STIs.

When I was walked up to a room for the auction.

When I realised they hadn't locked the door and ran for it.

And like always the thinking leads to the same place, and when I get there I let them come. Big salty tears fall from my eyes and down my cheeks as I think about it all.

I'm thankful for the noise of the shower to cover my sobs and the repeated asking of "why me?" to no one in particular.

I sit there for what feel like hours until the tears dry up. I stand up wash my body within and inch of my life and then do it again, and again.

Eventually I wash my hair, turn off the shower, telling myself that I begin again right now.

I have a roof over my head for a few days until I have to leave here too, and things will be okay.

I find a toothbrush, toothpast and a hairbrush in the bathroom cabinet and take my time cleaning my teeth and brushing out the tangled mess that is my hair.

Wrapped in a black fluffy towel I open the bathroom door and I'm greeted with Pheonix sitting on my bed. His face is full of anguish and sorrow and it puts my senses on high alert.

"Whats wrong? are you okay?" I ask him a bit panicked, sometimes it's not nice to be able to read people as well as I do.

"I came in to tell you I'd be gone until late tonight and see that you knew where everything was and that you would be okay. I've sat here for an hour, I have to leave in 15 minutes.... I heard you crying."

I'm embarrassed and ashamed, so I drop my head and look at my feet, I didn't want anyone to know about that, I so rarely let myself fall apart like that. I hear movement and I'm hoping he is going to leave because I didn't answer him.

Then I see his feet in front of mine and his hand catches my chin to raise my head, forcing me to look at him, his eyes are a light brown, almost like amber. They are beautiful and I could get lost there if I let myself, but I won't. That life isn't for me.

"Dont be embarrassed" he says softly "you've been through hell and I'm sure I don't even know half of it. There is food in the kitchen, cigarettes & alcohol in the bar and you can hang out and watch TV until we get back. Wait up for me yeah? I'll be home around 3am."

I nod my head a little, unable to talk. He gives me a little smile, but its a sad one.

He tucks my hair behind my ear, traces the scar on my temple and plants a delicate kiss to my forehead, but I feel it all over my body.

"See you soon Little Flame." he whispers, and then he is gone.

I stand there for a little while longer, and then decide to get dressed. Obviously Nix isn't the only person who has been in while I was withering away in the shower, Bonnie has been in and left clothes and shoes on the bed.

On top of a pair of basically brand spanking new slip on black vans is a note reading,

"They aren't new but it's the best I could do right now. I'll get you a pair all of your own."

they are the newest shoes I've had in 4 years, and I'm so grateful I shed a little happy tear.

I pick out some clothes out of the massive pile she has left for me.

Tracksuits, Skirts, Tops, Jeans, Jumpers, Socks and New Underwear, nice!

I find a black off the shoulder jumper, a pair of black ripped skinny jeans and bright red socks, just my style.

I get dressed and walk over to the dresser to see myself in the Mirror, when I look at myself I feel a bit better.

I look like me, the strong take on the world me. I look down and find an assortment of hair ties, clips and a small few bits of makeup, with a little note that reads Love Ivy. God bless that girl.

I set to work on plaiting my ridiculously long hair, but I love it and would part with it.

I have two Dutch braids on top of my head, and then the rest of my hair is plaited loosely and wound up into two space bun on top of my head. Yes, that will do nicely.

With every passing minute I'm starting to feel and look a bit more like myself.

I return to the bathroom on a mission, and my mission is completed when I find a tweezers in the cabinet above the sink.

I sit at the dresser and pluck my eyebrows, I always do it myself because you know, homeless, so I'm quite good.

When I'm done I find a dark eyeliner and frame my eyes, add some mascara and I'm done.

There I am, looking back at me in the mirror, I haven't seen her for days.

I'm a little bit more broken but I'm still here, and I'm still me.

Now, food....