Fat Girl Confessions

I Followed Him

I got up off of the mattress Trish had laid down for me and followed him to the living room. J.T sat at one end and I sat at the other. I wouldn't dare be the fat girl who took him just trying to be cool as a pass and make a fool of myself. Even though I so badly wanted it to be true. I wanted him to take this moment to sweep me off my feet. I got so caught up in my thoughts and panicking that I didn't realize he had said something to me... STRIKE ONE... I'm half-ass mortified but cannot act any way about it. I have to play it cool!

We spoke quietly, loud enough for us to hear one another, but not loud enough for people to know we were in the living room alone in the middle of the night,

Me: What? Sorry I didn't hear you.

J.T: I said what's up?

Me: Nothing. I couldn't sleep so you saw it.

J.T: Yeah, it looked like you were having loads of fun while Trish was passing out.

Me: Yeah..loads(insert hard gulp)

It got quiet for a moment. I sat there acting like my palms were not damp from being so nervous, like I couldn't see him looking over at me with a grin on his face. When I finally got the courage to look at him and not make it obvious, I knew he was staring at me. He started to lean my way, and laid his head in my lap...INSERT BRAIN SCREAMING.. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

I really cannot believe this is happening right now. How... how does this happen? He must be sick or something, right?

Yeah, we will go with that. He is sick and needs my help. Then I hear him whisper...

J.T: Are you okay with this?

Me:Yeah, it's fine, are you okay?

J.T: I'm good, you should lie with me...

Me:[tiny voice in my head..FUUUUCCCKKKK], Sure...

He sat up and directed me to lay right in front of him. At this point, I don't know what to do with myself. Should I breathe?

Am I breathing too much? Or not enough? Am I giving him enough room? Am I too big? I should add I have had boyfriends. Obviously, I did like them. Just none that got me to this point or made me feel like that… J.T was someone I thought would never look my way if that made any sense. I laid my head down by his and pulled my legs up on the couch. He took his arm and hooked it around my waist and pulled me in close. Like real close, and resting his head on the side of my neck, I could feel his breath on me. He was so close.

J.T: Are you still okay?

Me: Yeah, I'm fine, are you comfortable?

J.T: Not yet

I looked up at him thinking I was doing something wrong, and he kissed me. HE KISSED ME AND I KISSED HIM BACK!

I was still super nervous though with everything going on. I was so afraid of making the wrong move, but apparently I didn't have to worry about that because he was older than me and knew what he was doing. Before I knew it, he was sliding out from behind me and on top of me, kissing me, and kissing my neck. He sat up and wrapped my legs around his waist and leaned back down to kiss and taunt me some more. I'm so confused about how I feel right now, I just go along with it. All I knew at that moment was he picked me and I didn't want to back down from it. He looked up at me after a while of making out and softly grinding onto me, and motioned me to lay on the floor with him. Without thinking twice, I did. I did it so smoothly. I think at that moment I even had myself convinced I had done this before.

J.T: Do you want me?

Me: Yes

J.T: Do you want to have s*x?

Me:Yes

He slid my shorts and underwear to the side and inserted into me with a gentle thrust. There was absolutely no going back after that. No one, not even my closest girlfriends that I knew were having s*x, bothered to tell me that losing my virginity was going to be no walk in the park. Nor did they tell me that the bigger they are, the more it would hurt. I didn't say anything. I was too embarrassed to tell him I was a virgin, and it hurt, but not bad enough to make me want to cry. He was gentle with me. Honestly, it was over before I knew it. All I really knew about s*x was stuff you see in the movies, all passionate and lustful. This was lustful. I guess. I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't that. I felt him pull out and when we both looked down...there was blood... No one told me about that part either. He looked up at me with confusion in his face.

J.T: Were you a virgin?

My heart sank... I couldn't speak the words. All I could do was nod my head yes. I was so afraid he was going to be mad at me. He just looked back down, pulled his pants up and told me to come with him. I got up and was trembling in my head. What do I say to him? He walked me into the bathroom and got a rag out of the cupboard. Ran it under warm water and gave it to me.

J.T: Here, use this and wipe yourself.

I did as I was told. I think he could tell I didn't know what to do and could see I was in shock in a sense. He got another rag out and did the same for himself. When he was done, he walked up to me and backed me up to the wall, kissed me on the forehead and walked out of the bathroom. I knew at that moment he wasn't mad at me and that that kiss meant it was time for me to actually go to bed. This was our secret.

I gathered myself and went back to Trish's room and laid down for the night. I lay there for at least an hour thinking about what had happened and wondering if he was doing the same. Was this going to be our thing now or do we go back to how things were? Did this mean I was his or was I just the girl he wanted for the night? Either way, I thought, and thought, and thought, until I fell asleep.

Much wasn't different that. The only thing that changed was he would occasionally sneak me away for a quick hook-up, or I would sneak out of my parents' and meet somewhere at the outer end of my little village to see each other. I could never tell Trish about what we were doing. I didn't want our friendship to be ruined. On top of that, he was 18 and in 12th grade. I was 14 and in 9th. I didn't want him in trouble... The problem here was, I thought I really liked him. Like I really, really liked him. I thought he felt the same about me too. That wasn't the case. He led me to believe he really liked me, but what it really was, he liked the fact that I let him be my first and that he was the only one who got to have me. Then school started... Everything would change after that.