Tennessee Whiskey

Chapter 5-Mary

Chapter 5

Mary

Waking up the next morning, I make a bowl of cereal and eat before heading to Kathy’s office for my session. Knocking on the door, she calls me in, and we sit on one of the couches, so that it’s more comfortable for us to talk. “What’s on your mind, Mary?” she asks. “Evan.” I tell her. “I saw he brought you back last night.” She says. “He did. We spent the night at Logan and Lori’s house and watched movies and spent the day at the art museum.” I tell her. “How did it go last night?” she asks. “Evan was in the room next to mine. He let me know that if I needed him that his door would be unlocked and made me promise I would come to him if I needed him.” I tell her. “Did you?” she asks. I nod my head yes. “I had a nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.” I tell her. “Tell me about the nightmare.” She tells me. “I dreamt that I was walking through the park near my old house and my mom’s dealer found me. I dreamt that he had his buddies hold me down and he r***d me again.” I tell her. “Is that something that happened?” she asks. “Once. After that, I stopped leaving the house.” I tell her. “What happened when you woke up?” she asks. “I couldn’t get back to sleep. I went to Evan’s door and tried not to wake him up, but he heard me come in, but he didn’t move. He didn’t even speak until I slid into his bed.” I tell her. “What happened then?” she asks. “He asked if I was okay, and I shook my head no. He didn’t try to hold me. He asked me if I wanted him to. It was like he was giving me the choice.” I tell her. “Because he was. I’ve spoken to Evan about how to help you. He wants you to understand that you have a choice in anything that happens between you and him. He wants you to be comfortable.” She tells me. “When he asked, I asked him if he would, and he opened his arms and let me come to him. When he does things like that, it makes me feel like I have some control.” I tell her. “He’s letting you have all the control. He understands that you need to take that power back. That control back.” She tells me. “How do I get past this?” I ask. “Just by doing what you’re doing. Coming to sessions. Communicating what you need to Evan and others around you. You gain back a little bit of your power with each decision you make to move forward. That was a big step you took just by going to Evan when you needed him.” She tells me. “It felt good sleeping next to him.” I tell her. “Did you spend the entire night?” she asks. “I did.” I tell her. “And I noticed you let him kiss you last night.” She says. “Yeah. It’s just little kisses here and there but it feels normal when he does that. How can something that simple feel normal with everything I’ve been through?” I ask. “It’s because you trust him. As hard as that might seem, you do.” She tells me.

After my session, I sit in my dorm for a few minutes, looking at my phone. I pull up the text app and text Evan.

Finished my session.

I put the phone down on my bed and look down at my hands, just thinking when my phone rings. I take a deep breath and pick up my phone. Answering the call, I say “Hey.” I hear him sigh on the other end. “Hey baby. Are you okay?” he asks. “I don’t know. I mean, I had a good session. Talked a few things out but…I don’t know.” I tell him. “Do you want to get out for a little while?” he asks. “Is that okay?” I ask. “I can pick you up in half an hour.” He tells me. “I’d like that.” I tell him.

Half an hour later, I am in the lobby when Evan walks in. As soon as I see him, he walks up to me but doesn’t touch me. I’m standing there with my hands in front of me, wringing my hands together. “What do you need baby?” he asks. “Um…just…” is as far as I get before Evan cups my face and says, “I’m right here baby.” I look up at him and he puts his forehead to mine and my hands go to his wrists. “Can we walk to the park?” I ask. “Of course, baby.” He says.

We head outside and start walking to the local park. It’s the same one from my dream but I need to face this part of my fear to get past it. That’s what Kathy said in one of my sessions. We get to the park, and we move to one of the picnic tables and move to sit on top. Evan sits next to me but doesn’t touch me and doesn’t speak. He just lets me process. “You know the nightmare I had the other night was about this place.” I say. “Did something happen here?” he asks, and I nod my head yes. He takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine and rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “I was just taking a walk. I needed to get away from the house. Mom and her boyfriend at the time were fighting and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was sitting on one of the swings over there and Rob and a couple of his friends showed up. It was dark. No one else around. They grabbed me and pulled me into the bathroom over there and r***d me. When he was done, he told me to tell mom her debt was paid.” I tell him. “Baby…” he starts but I stop him. “I needed to come here and face it. This park is such a beautiful place, and I can’t let Rob ruin everything for me.” I tell him. He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “You’re f*****g brave baby.” He tells me. I look at him and say “I hate that I have to keep looking over my shoulder all the time. He’s out there, Evan. What’s to stop him from getting to me again?” I ask.

Evan gets off the table and moves to stand between my legs. He puts his hands on each side of my face and says “I’m going to tell you something, but it has to stay between us. Logan and Ashton know, and I know Izzy and Lori know.” He tells me. I look at him confused and he says “You don’t have to look over your shoulder anymore. He will never touch you again.” He tells me. “How do you know?” I ask. He puts his forehead to mine like he did earlier and says “Because I handled him. He’s gone baby.” He tells me. I pull back from him and look at him shocked. “Gone?” I ask. “Yeah baby. If you want to know what happened, I’ll tell you but if you don’t, that’s fine too.” He tells me. “Tell me.” I whisper. “Rico and his guys picked him up. They held him for me. I used a paring knife to carve out his eyes. Not being able to see brings a new level of fear, not being able to see what’s coming. I used shears to cut off a couple of toes before using a car battery to electrocute him. After that, he was almost passed out. I cut off his manhood and shoved it down his throat before he was tossed into the incinerator.” He tells me. I push him to let me down and he moves. I pace back and forth for a minute, processing and then I stop. He hasn’t said anything. Just giving me time. I look at him and ask “Gone?” He nods his head yes and just waits to see what my next move is. I walk up to him, cup his face and whisper “Thank you.” Before kissing him softly and for the first time, I allow him to deepen the kiss. When we separate, I snuggle into his chest, and he wraps his arms around me and just holds me. “I’m yours.” I whisper. “And I’m yours baby.” He whispers back.

After a few minutes, we start walking. The more we walk, the more I start to relax. We are still holding hands and talking. “How are your sessions going?” he asks. “Good. I like talking to Kathy. She never pushes me, but she makes me actually talk things out.” I tell him. “Do you think it would be okay for me to come to a couple of sessions with you?” he asks. “I would love that.” I tell him. “You’re serious about us, aren’t you?” I ask. He stops and steps in front of me. “I told you, I want you to be my wife, mother of my kids. I want a life with you. But only when you’re ready.” He tells me. I smile softly and say “I’ll get there. I promise.” He kisses me softly and says “We will get there. There’s no rush.” I tell him. We start walking again and I ask. “Did you hear about the program that Lori is wanting to get started at the mission?” He pulls me into his side and places my hand on the crease of his elbow. “I did. Are you wanting to help her?” he asks. “Yeah. She asked me to be her assistant until I figure out what I want to do. I’d like to do something at the mission too, but I don’t know what.” I tell him. “When do you start working with her?” he asks. “Monday. She’s got some social workers coming in for orientation and wants me to help.” I tell him. “Are you excited for it?” he asks. “I am. It will feel good having something to do other than just sitting and drawing. I love drawing but I don’t feel like I’m doing anything productive, you know? Doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward.” I tell him. “I get that. But the thing is, the more sessions you’re doing, the more you spend time with all of us, you’re moving forward.” He tells me. “I didn’t think about it like that.” I say.

We walk a little longer before coming back to the picnic table we were sitting on, and sit on the bench. “What made you want to become a judge?” I ask. “I watched so many times, my parents get arrested because of their fighting just to be home the next day to fight again. When I became a lawyer, I started looking into their cases and saw that it was the same judge they were going in front of every time. I started looking into the judge, who was retired by then, and saw that he was known to frequent the same haunts that my parents did and when I spoke to him about it, he said that he made a deal with my parents that they wouldn’t lose me and wouldn’t see jail time as long as my mother agreed to do what he asked. Apparently, my mother was his mistress for a long time.” He tells me. “Wow.” I say. “Yeah. I decided that no other child should have to deal with the s**t I did when the legal system was failing them.” He tells me. “And you went beyond that to protect me.” I tell him. “And I’ll do it a million times over for you.” He tells me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and he asks, “Did you have any dreams growing up?” I don’t speak for a minute but say “I graduated from high school and wanted to go to art school but knew that would never happen.” I tell him. “So, I guess you’re birthday gift was a good call then.” He says. “It’s perfect. Without you, I wouldn’t get to take classes. I took art classes in high school but didn’t qualify for any scholarships. I even thought about teaching art classes.” I tell him. “Do you do more than draw?” he asks. “I do. I paint. Learned how to sculpt in art class.” I tell him. “What if we set up art classes at the mission? Might help some of them with working through things like it does for us.” He tells me. “Are you serious? I wouldn’t know where to start.” I tell him. “We have our classes that start this week. The teacher is a good friend of mine, and we can talk to him about how to get that started if you want.” He says. “I’d love that, Evan. Oh my God. I’d love that.” I tell him and I can’t stop the smile on my face.

It's Monday morning and I meet Lori at her office. I walk in and see her putting Magnolia in her bassinet. “How’s she doing?” I ask. “She’s perfect. How are you?” she asks. “I’m better. Can I talk to you about something?” I ask and she nods her head yes and I close the door behind me. We sit on the couch in her office, and I say, “Evan and I were talking the other day.” I start and she smirks. “Spending time with him without us? That’s amazing.” She says. “It is. He’s even going to come to a few sessions with me. His idea. I was wanting to ask him, but he basically read my mind.” I tell her. “That’s great, Mary. Now, what did you talk about?” she asks. “We were talking about how he became a judge, and he asked if I had any dreams. I told him about my drawing and that I paint and sculpt and that I had dreams of going to art school and eventually teaching.” I tell her. “And he got you the art classes without even knowing.” She says. “Yeah. Was kind of perfect. But he suggested I teach art classes here at the mission, but I told him I didn’t know where to start. I mean, art helps me process things and gives me an outlet, it can only help people, right?” I ask. “Absolutely.” She tells me. “He said that the teacher of the art class we are going to, could help me figure out how to start the class and how to teach it.” I tell her. “That sounds like a good plan to me.” She tells me. “But that means I won’t be your assistant once I start that.” I tell her. “And I will manage just fine. You’re helping me get started and when you figure out what all you need, we will help you get started. We’re all here for you.” She tells me. “That means everything to me.” I tell her.

We get things moving and are in the conference room with the social workers. Once the meeting is done, I head to Kathy’s office and ask to have a session. Once we are in her office, we are on the couch and she hands me a cup of coffee. “What’s on your mind?” she asks like she always does. “I spent some time with Evan the other day and we talked about some things.” I say. “Like what?” she asks. “He asked about coming to a few sessions with me.” I tell her. “What do you think about that?” she asks. “I was wanting to ask him about it but was scared he’d say no.” I tell her. “Seems like he understands what you need.” She tells me. “I think he does. We talked about why he wanted to be a judge and he asked me about what dreams I had.” I tell her. “What dreams did you tell him about?” she asks. “I told him about me wanting to go to art school and about my drawing and painting and sculpting. I told him I wanted to teach, and he told me that we are already taking the classes and that we could talk to the teacher, who’s a friend of his about how to start a program here and how I can teach it.” I tell her. “Is that something you want?” she asks. “Yes. I’ve been thinking about it, and it helps me have an outlet and I think it would help others. Maybe even some of the kids. And it would give me purpose.” I tell her. “That it would. How about you bring Evan to your next session? And get with Lori and Izzy about getting the plan together for the program. I will help any way I can so don’t hesitate to reach out for whatever you need.” She tells me. I leave my session feeling better about things.

I head to the kitchen and get a water out of the fridge when the guard, Devin walks in. “Good morning, Mary.” He says. “Morning Devin.” I say. He’s made sure that any interaction he has with any of us, he’s soft spoken and makes sure he lets us know when he’s entering a room with us. “How are you?” he asks. “I’m better, thanks. Everything okay?” he asks. “Yeah. I heard you talking to Lori about art classes here at the mission. Is that something I can help with?” he asks. “I don’t know yet. We’re still in the planning stages but if you want to help, I’m sure we can figure something out for you.” I tell him. “I just want to help as much as I can.” He tells me. “Are you okay?” I ask. “Yeah. Today would have been my sister’s birthday.” He tells me. “Oh. What was her name?” I ask. “Ashley. She was sixteen. Boyfriend killed her. He’s still out walking around and she’s not.” He tells me. “Wow. Have you talked to anyone about it? Like counseling or anything?” I ask and he shakes his head no. “You know we have counselors here to talk to?” I ask. “Those are for the residents.” He tells me. “No. They are for everyone. I’m sure Kathy can get you in for a session. You help us feel safe here Devin. But you have to take care of yourself too.” I tell him. “I get off work in an hour, I’ll talk to Kathy.” He tells me. “Let me know if there’s anything we can do.” I tell him.

A little later, I am sitting in my dorm, and I pull up Evan’s contact and hit call. “Hey baby. Everything okay?” he asks. “Yeah. Just wanted to talk to you about a couple of things.” I say. “What’s up?” he asks. “I had a session this morning and told Kathy about us wanting to do some sessions together and she asked about you coming to my next session, tomorrow morning.” I say. “I can do that. Just let me know what time to be there.” He tells me. “There’s something else.” I tell him. “What’s that baby?” he asks. “You know our security guard, Devin?” I ask. “Yeah. I spoke to him a couple of times but just briefly.” He tells me. “When he’s here, he always makes sure we’re comfortable being in the room with him. He lets us know whenever he’s coming into the room so that he doesn’t startle us but he’s struggling.” I tell him. “What do you mean?” he asks. “I talked him into getting in with Kathy, but he was telling me about why he wanted to work here. He wants to help with the art classes too. But he said his sister was sixteen and was murdered by her boyfriend but that the boyfriend is still walking around. He’s struggling, Evan. He’s a good guy and I think he could do so much good here, but he needs some kind of closure or justice or something.” I tell him. “I’ll get with him tomorrow while I’m there and see what we can do to help. I might get Logan and Ashton involved.” He tells me. “I’d appreciate that.” I tell him. “Can I see you tonight?” he asks. “I’d like that.” I tell him and we talk a little longer before ending the call.

The next morning, it’s time for my session and Evan is by my side. We walk into the office and Kathy pours both of us coffee before sitting in the seat across from us. “How are you both this morning?” she asks. “I’m feeling pretty good.” Evan says and smiles at me. “What about you, Mary?” she asks. “I’m okay. Nervous but okay.” I tell her. “There’s no reason to be nervous. Now, how are things with the two of you?” she asks. Evan looks at me and I say “Pretty good. We talk a lot. I don’t feel as nervous around him as I did in the beginning.” I tell her. “That’s good. What about your relationship?” she asks. “He’s told me what he wants from me and where he stands but still makes sure I know that he’s in no rush for me to get there.” I tell her. “What did you tell her you wanted?” she asks him. “I told her that I wanted her to live with me, be my wife, mother of my kids and to build a life with me but I told her that no matter what, she decides how fast things happen with us. She’s the one in control but I needed her to know where I stood.” He tells her. “That’s a good thing. It’s good that the two of you are open and honest with each other. Good communication is what determines how healthy a relationship is. The fact that you both are open and honest with each other and talk things out, tells me that you are starting off on the right foot.” She tells us and I look down at my hands. “What is it?” Evan asks. “I just worry still that you’re going to change your mind. Don’t get me wrong, I know you won’t, but that worry is still there.” I tell him. “But the more you see that he’s in this completely, the more that worry will ease.” Kathy says. “I hope so because I really like him.” I say and Evan kisses my temple.

During our session, Kathy talks to us about some things we can do to help me get to a better place. We talk about how to help with my panic attacks and even help when I have nightmares. When we finish the session, Evan and I walk out to the garden and sit. “How are you feeling after that?” he asks. “I’m feeling pretty good. Thank you for coming with me.” I say. “We’re in this together, honey.” He tells me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and he kisses the top of my head. “So, I was thinking about something if you would be open to it.” I say. “What’s that?” he asks. “Well, I liked sleeping next to you when we were at Lori’s and I know you’re wanting me to eventually move in but what would you think about me, maybe, staying a couple of nights a week? Maybe on the weekends for right now?” I ask. “I would love that baby. And you could check out the pool house out back to see what you think about turning it into a studio.” He tells me. I look up at him. “Are you serious?” I ask. He smiles at me and laughs. “Of course. It’s our house. Our home.” He tells me. “But I’ve not been there yet.” I say, confused. “Doesn’t matter. It’s our home. You’ll move in fully when you’re ready. But it’s still our home.” He says and I can’t help but smile.