Tennessee Whiskey

Chapter 7-Mary

Chapter 7

Mary

I wake up from the first peaceful sleep I’ve had in a long time. I don’t open my eyes yet. I just pay attention to my surroundings. I can hear Evan’s soft snoring close to my ear. I feel his arm around my middle. I even feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. Other than that, it’s silent. Peaceful. I open my eyes and its barely dawn. I slowly slip out of bed so that I don’t wake Evan. I take the throw blanket off the chest at the foot of the bed and move to the window seat and just sit and watch the sunrise.

The sun is just coming up over the horizon and all I can think about is how this could be my life. I have a man that loves me and wants me and is so patient with me. A man that wants a future with me. That sees me as his future, but do I see him as mine? I can’t help but smile because, yes, I do want this man to be my future. I want to marry him. I want to have kids with him. I want to be with him. I love him. I’m still watching the sunrise and smiling when I hear him shuffle behind me, but I can’t stop looking at the sunrise. “Good morning beautiful.” He says as he kisses me good morning. “Good morning.” I say back. We talk for a few minutes before heading downstairs for breakfast.

After breakfast, Evan takes me out to the pool house to show me where he thinks I should set up my studio. We walk inside and the windows are floor to ceiling on two sides, where the sun rises and sets. “Evan. This is perfect.” I tell him. We talk about what I will need and where we can set everything up and I love his ideas. “You’ll share this space too, right?” I ask. “If you’re okay with that, I can.” He tells me. “Where is your studio?” I ask. “I don’t have one set up. I haven’t drawn in a long time.” He tells me and I look at him confused. “I didn’t feel inspired until I met you.” He tells me. I walk over to him and kiss him deeply and whisper “I love you.” He smiles and kisses me hard before saying “I love you too baby. So f*****g much.”

After heading back inside for a while, I call and do my daily check in with Kathy and let her know that I’m okay. Evan and I spend the day watching movies and just talking. I finally decide I want to do something. “Evan?” I ask. “What baby?” he asks. “Can…um…I do something?” I ask. “You can do anything you want baby but is it something you need my help with?” he asks. “Um…yeah…but…well…” I stumble and he kisses me softly. “Whatever it is, we take it at your pace. No questions asked.” He tells me. I take a deep breath and move to straddle him. “I’m not ready to go all the way but I really like kissing you. Is this okay?” I ask. “This is more than okay. But if we’re doing anything, we need some rules.” He tells me and I look at him confused.

“Rule one. I don’t care where we are or what we’re doing, if you are uncomfortable in any way, you tell me.” He says. “Okay.” I agree. “Rule two. Anytime we’re together, if you feel we need to stop, you tell me. I won’t get mad or upset. I will respect your limits.” He says. “Okay.” I say. “Rule three. If you want something or need something, you tell me. I don’t care if you call me, text me or tell me. Just tell me.” He says. “Okay.” I say. “Do you have any rules for me?” he asks. “Rule one.” I say and he smirks at me starting off like he did. “You’re mine. I see how the women look at you and it makes me worry that you’re going to choose them. I know you won’t, but it still makes me worry.” I tell him. “Understood.” He says. “Rule two. If I have to tell you when I want or need something, that same rule goes for you too.” I tell him. “Okay.” He says. “Rule three. I know you said you want a future with me but if we are going to do this, I need to know what you’re thinking. You’ve been great so far with telling me what you’re thinking but I want to make sure that doesn’t change.” I tell him. “I can agree to that. Any more rules?” he asks. “No. But I do want to kiss you.” I tell him. He smiles softly and then I lean down and kiss him softly and he gently deepens the kiss. As the kiss gets deeper, I find myself grinding on him a little and feel his member harden underneath me and I stop. I break the kiss. “I’m sorry.” I whisper. He puts his forehead to mine and says “Rule four. No apologizing for making yourself feel good or for pushing yourself for things you want.” He tells me. “Okay.” I whisper. We start kissing again and I feel his lips across my jaw and down my neck. “Evan.” I moan softly. He pulls away and says “Let’s go upstairs. I want to try something.” He tells me and I nod before standing up. When he stands, he adjusts himself and I lower my head and giggle a little. “You think it’s funny huh?” he asks, and I look at him and see he has a smile on his face. He moves closer and picks me up, catching me off guard and tosses me over his shoulder and I can’t help but laugh. I’ve never felt this free.

He carries me into our room and tosses me down on the bed. Hovering over me, he kisses me deeply and it feels amazing before he raises up and gets off the bed. “Wha..” I start and he says “Get into something comfortable.” He tells me and I move from the bed, thinking I’ve done something wrong. I move to my bag, my head down and he grabs my hand. Kissing me softly, he says “I love you.” I place my hand on his cheek and say, “I love you.” I change into a tank top and my panties, trying to be more comfortable with him. When I come out of the bathroom, he’s on the bed, sitting against the headboard, in the center of the bed. He holds out his hand and says, “Come here baby.” I move to the bed, climbing on slowly. I try to be sexy and crawl up the bed, to him. He takes my hand and helps me move to straddle him. Cupping my face, he says “You f*****g perfect.” I shake my head, and he stops me. “You’re perfect. Absolutely perfect and you’re mine.” He tells me. “I’m yours.” I whisper. He kisses me softly and deepens the kiss. I find myself grinding against him again and this time I don’t stop myself.

One of his hands cups my face and the other is on my hip. He breaks the kiss and puts his forehead to mine and his hand that was on my face moves to my hip and he guides me, rocking against him. I start to moan a little and he moves one hand up under the bottom of my tank top. Without saying a word, I move his hand up to my breast and he starts tweaking my n****e and I start to moan louder and grind against him faster. He thrusts his hips up against me and asks, “You trust me?” I nod my head yes. “I need words baby. Do you trust me?” he asks. “I trust you.” He moves the hand on my breast down my stomach and slides his fingers down to my center and runs his fingers along the edge of my panties at the apex of my thighs, never taking his eyes from mine. I nod and he slips my panties to the side and runs his thumb over my c**t. “Oh God.” I moan as he makes slow circles on my c**t. “Does that feel good Princess?” he asks. “Yes. God yes.” I moan. He continues to toy with my c**t until I finally stiffen, feeling the orgasm take over and he continues his sweet torture until I finally go lax and collapse against him. My head tucked into his neck; he brings his hand to my back while his hand that was on my hip comes up to caress the back of my head. “Are you okay baby?” he asks. “I think so.” I whisper but don’t look at him. He tilts my chin up to make me look at him and asks, “Are you sure?” I nod and say, “I’ve never felt that before.” He kisses my temple and says, “That baby was your first orgasm.”

After sitting like that for a few more minutes, he says “Let me up. I’m going to take a shower.” I don’t move. “Can I?” I ask and glance down at him. “You don’t have to.” He tells me. “I know. But I want to. You made me feel good, so I want to make you feel good.” I tell him. He gently grips my chin and says “If at any point you feel you need to stop, I don’t give a f**k if I get off, you tell me. I don’t want you to push yourself to far.” He tells me. “I promise.” I tell him.

He raises his hips, with me still straddling him, and pulls his boxer briefs down enough to expose his hard member and he is not small. I’m looking down at his manhood and slowly reach my hand down and wrap around it. He takes my hand and pours a little lubricant from the bottle he had next to him into my palm. I wrap my hand around him and start to slowly stroke him from base to tip. His head tilts back against the headboard and he groans and says, “Just like that, baby.” And I continue just like he said. I tighten my grip on each stroke over the tip and he grabs my face and kisses me hard, groaning into my mouth. He breaks the kiss and whispers “I’m not going to last much longer baby. f**k. That feels so good.” He starts thrusting up into my hand and I feel him stiffen as I watch his hot load spill out onto my hand. Kissing me hard again he says, “I love you so f*****g much.”

I move off of his lap and move to the bathroom to get a warm cloth to clean my hands off and then bring to him to clean up before he tosses it into the clothes hamper. He moves down the bed and says, “Come here baby.” I climb into bed and snuggle into his chest but I’m quiet. “What is it baby?” he asks. “Did I do okay?” I ask. He tilts my chin up and says “You did perfect baby. Are you okay?” he asks. “Yeah. I mean, after what we did, I feel happy.” I tell him. “Good. I want you happy.” He tells me. “Are you happy?” I ask. “You’re here, in our bed, in my arms. Yes honey. I’m happy. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” He tells me. I snuggle closer and say, “I want you happy too.”

The next morning, I wake up in bed alone. I get up and do my morning routine before heading downstairs and I hear people talking in the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and see Evan standing there talking to Logan and I stop. “Come here baby.” Evan says. I walk over to him, and he pulls me close. “I need to tell you something.” He tells me and I pull away, expecting the worst. Logan slides a cup of coffee over to me and I sit on the stool at the island. “Logan and I have been keeping tabs on your mom since I sent her to that rehab center, and they called me this morning. They did rounds this morning and found your mom unresponsive. They did CPR until the medics got there but, baby, they couldn’t save her. She apparently had a heart attack. I’m sorry baby.” Evan tells me and he’s holding my hand. I look from him to his hand holding mine and pull my hand away. “Baby?” Evan asks. I hold my hands up and say, “I just need a minute.” Evan doesn’t move closer but says “Why don’t you go take a bubble bath? Relax a little and I’ll be up to check on you in a minute.” He says. I nod and go to leave the room, but I stop and walk over to Evan and kiss him softly and say, “Thank you for trying.” Before I walk away and head upstairs. I get to the top of the stairs and see Jane. “Are you okay honey?” she asks and I can only shake my head no and my eyes tear up. “Oh honey.” She says before pulling me into a hug and I sob. “It’s okay sweet girl. It’s okay.” She whispers as Evan comes up the stairs. Evan kisses the top of my head and says, “I’ll start your bath baby.” Before heading into our bedroom to start my bath in the claw foot tub in our bathroom. “What happened?” she asks softly as I get calmed down some. “My mom died.” I tell her. She cups my face and says “I’m so sorry Mary but you are not alone. You have a huge family here to hold you up baby girl.” She tells me and I nod and hug her before Evan comes back out to us and says, “Your bath is ready baby.” I nod and wipe my eyes before walking past them and into the bathroom. I stand by the tub and start shedding clothes but before stepping into the tub, I turn to look at Evan and ask, “Will you get in with me?” He nods before taking off all of his clothes.

Evan helps me step into the tub before stepping in behind me and we both sit in the tub, sinking into the steamy, bubbly water. He pulls me to sit between his legs and I lean back against him. His arms wrap around me and I lay my head against his chest. After sitting there for a bit, I ask “What’s going to happen to my mom?” He kisses the top of my head and says “Logan said we could have her brought here and buried or he can make arrangements for her to be buried there. Whatever you want done.” He tells me. “She never cared about me. I don’t even think she loved me.” I tell him and he doesn’t speak. He just waits for me to get my thoughts together. “But I know she loved my dad.” I whisper. “Can we bring her here and bury her next to my dad?” I ask. “I will let Logan know that’s what you want.” He tells me. “Thank you, Evan.” I whisper and he kisses my shoulder and says, “I would do anything for you.”

After our bath, where he held me close and made me feel so loved and protected, he steps out and wraps a towel around his waist before helping me out of the tub and drying me off and then wrapping me in a robe. He cups my face and says, “We will make arrangements for her for a graveside service with just our family.” I nod and say, “I’d like that.”

A little later, I am sitting at the island when Izzy and Lori walk in. “How are you feeling Sis?” Lori asks. “I don’t know. I mean, she’s my mom but the way she treated me, I don’t know how I should feel.” I tell them. “You know you don’t have to feel anything. You are allowed to not feel anything for anyone that hurt you.” Izzy tells me. “Logan called this morning and made the arrangements for her to be brought back here and her belongings are being sent with her.” Lori tells me. “Okay. I think Evan said something about just having a graveside thing since I’m putting her beside my dad. Will you two be there with me?” I ask. Before they can answer, Ashton walks in with Evan and Logan and says “We will all be there. You’re not going through this alone little sister.” I walk over and hug him, surprising him before moving to Logan and hugging him, surprising him too. “Thank you both. Seriously.” I say before turning to look at everyone. “Thank you for being my family.” I say and they all nod their support.

That evening, I’m lying in bed and Evan is behind me, with his arms around me. “Why did she hate me so much?” I whisper. “I don’t think she hated you baby. She was sick. I made a call and got the medical examiner’s report and they said that it was a heart attack. All the drugs she used over the years weakened her heart and the withdrawals were so bad that her heart couldn’t take it.” He tells me. “So there was no saving her?” I ask. “No baby. The examiner said her heart ruptured. There was no saving her.” He tells me and I start to sob again. We lay there together until the early hours of the morning before finally dozing off from exhaustion.

Waking up the next morning, Evan is over on the window seat and is holding an envelope in his hand, staring out the window. I sit up in bed before slipping out and walking over to where he’s sitting. He sees me next to him and pulls me close. “How are you feeling this morning?” he asks. “Okay, I think. What’s that?” I ask. “Logan came by early. He was there when the plane arrived with your mom.” He tells me. “Okay?” I ask, confused. “This was with her things.” He says, handing me the envelope and it has my name on it in my mom’s handwriting. He pulls me to sit between his legs to lean back against him and he wraps his arms round me. I open the envelope and take out the papers. I unfold them and start to read.

Dear Mary,

I’ve been here at rehab for two weeks and they started counseling for me yesterday. One of the things that my counselor wants me to do is write a letter to my family. That’s you. You’re the only family I have so here goes.

I was young when I met your dad. We fell in love and married young. Then I had you. I never wanted kids but your dad did and so I had you to make him happy. I saw your dad doting on you and I was jealous of you. You were getting all of his attention and he looked at you like you were his world. He used to look at me like that. I got mad. I stopped taking care of you and made him do it all and he loved it. He loved you. I didn’t want you.

After your dad died, it was just us and I knew I could get more from his pension if I still had you but then I got hurt. I got hooked on pills and the more I used, the more I moved on to other drugs. Anything to make me forget about you and forget how much I missed your dad.

You were nine the first time I let my dealer use you for payment. I figured if I was having to raise you then you could be good for something. I offered myself to him for the drugs and he didn’t want me. He wanted you. So, I let him have you. It’s been years since I’ve paid for drugs because you were there for the taking.

But I’ve learned, that was the drugs talking. Mary, I am so sorry for what I did. I swear I wouldn’t have done that if it hadn’t been for the drugs. I am sick but I’m getting help. The judge that sent me here did me a huge favor by helping me get clean. I promise I’ll do the counseling and work the programs and I will get clean and stay clean. I will do everything I can to prove to you that I’m getting better, and I hope that one day you can forgive me. I don’t expect you to let me into your life and if you choose not to ever see me again, I will respect that, but I just hope that one day I will be worthy of your forgiveness.

I know I said I didn’t want you, but I do. I want you and I love you. I was jealous of you but the first thing we talked about in counseling was my jealousy of you and she helped me realize that I shouldn’t have been jealous of you but that I should have been embracing you. I will spend the rest of my life proving to you how sorry I am.

Love you truly,

Mom

I read the letter and let the words sink in. She was being serious about her therapy. She was trying. I feel Evan’s arms tighten around me and he kisses my shoulder. “Are you okay?” he whispers. I nod my head yes and just enjoy the feel of him holding me. He’s become my savior. My rock. “I really don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for you.” I say. “Baby you’re the one doing what you need to get better. I’m just here for support.” He tells me. “And I appreciate everything you do for me.” I tell him. “You’re going to be my wife someday. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” He tells me and that makes me smile through my pain. “Would you like Logan to make the arrangements for you?” Evan asks. “Please.” I say softly and he picks up his phone and sends a text to Logan.

The next day, we are sitting at the gravesite, and I am looking at the casket that holds what’s left of my mom. I’m sitting in one of the chairs, just staring at my mom’s casket. I don’t even wipe the tears from my face. I have Lori on one side and Izzy on the other side. Both holding my hands. The preacher says a few words, says a prayer and then comes to tell me that I am in his prayers. “Thank you.” I whisper but he hears me. I let go of my best friends’ hands and stand. I walk over to my mom’s casket, kiss the top and whisper “I forgive you.” Before stepping back into Evan’s arms. “Ready to go home baby?” he asks softly. I nod my head yes and we head to the car.

Once we get back to Evan’s house, I walk into the house, and we all move to the living room. I look at Logan and say, “Thank you for setting that up.” He smiles softly and says “No problem. Did Evan give you the envelope?” he asks, and I nod my head yes. “What was it?” Izzy asks. “It was a letter from her. Telling me that she’d started therapy and explaining why she did the things she did and that she was wrong. She said she would respect if I didn’t want anything to do with her but that she hoped one day I could forgive her.” I tell her. “Do you think you ever will?” Lori asks. “I already did. One thing I learned in my sessions with Kathy is that holding on to that anger doesn’t help me move forward. It keeps me from healing.” I tell them. “That’s a good way to think about it.” Ashton says. “I can’t live my life holding on to that anger. All I can do now is move forward and make sure that I treat my kids how I wish she would have treated me.” I tell them. “That’s amazing.” Izzy says. “Do you want kids?” Logan asks. I look at Evan and say, “I do.” And you see him smile.