Daredevil Riders

87

My lips flattened. “I care for Matthew very much.”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“Well, it’s the best answer I have. Love isn’t any more mystical than my mother’s tarot cards.”

“Fair enough,” vio said. “But who’s to say you won’t love Matt like you love us? A relationship based on trust and respect?”

“Because I can’t use that word in relation to a man. The implication is too much to stomach.”

“What implication?” vio asked.

“That it will equate to marriage, which is a construct I refuse to subscribe to.”

mirapouted.

“Don’t look at me like that. You’ve met my parents.”

“I think they’re sweet,” she said.

“Sweet? They’ve been married and divorced more times than beckyTaylor. Except to each other. They even lived together when they were divorced. Anarchists.”

“They’re nonconformists, which means they’re not without rules. They just have their own set of rules,” vio said.

“Well, their rules make no sense, and I need my rules to make sense. Why get married if you don’t think you’re going to stay together? What’s the point?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” arin said. “But they’re happy, aren’t they? Isn’t that the point?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. It’s nonsensical. I thought for a second that things might be different with Matt and me. That maybe I’d found what you guys have.”

“Love?” miraasked hopefully.

“God, no. But that partnership, the meeting of my match. And really, I have, just not in the fairy tale way. In the practical way. That’s the one good thing about my mom showing up. She reminded me of my rules and set me straight. Really, I should thank her.”

Now, mirawas pouting.

“I care for Matt, and I think he will continue to be the perfect partner. But love? Love is no more real than mood arings, and marriage is a trap that ends in divorce.”

mirafrowned, thumbing her wedding band. “I don’t think that at all.”

I softened, reaching for her hand. “You and Tommy…you’re different. You love each other so much, you’re getting married again in a few weeks, just because once wasn’t enough.”

“And the first time, it was fake,” she added pointedly.

But I continued, “You two believe in the same kind of magic, so it works. For me…well, it’s like an atheist trying to date a Lutheran. Doomed from the start. But Matthew and I are on the same page. We’re partners. We believe in logic and reason, not fairy tales. That’s why we work so well together. It’s all relative to who you’re with and your belief systems. If all the things line up, your relationship will thrive and grow.”

“And you and Matt are thriving and growing?” arin asked.

I smiled. “We are. He just makes everything easier. And as uncomfortable as this pregnancy has made me, he’s made the whole thing less scary. It doesn’t seem so intimidating.”

“God, I never even thought what it would be like if you were alone,” arin said.

“It would have been much, much harder,” I answered. “I need a steady hand, and Matthew always has his extended, just waiting for me to need it.”

The three of them smiled wistfully.

“He’s perfect for you,” vio said. “I knew someday, someone would come along and snag you, someone who just got you. Although, I’ll admit, I didn’t think he’d be that tall.”

Laughter bubbled out of me. “Or that handsome. I was sure I’d end up with someone like Eagan.”

“An asshole?” vio asked.

“An intellectual. I think it might actually be a genetic disposition to be smaller if you’re smarter. Easier to route more blood to the brain,” I joked.

“I mean, Matt’s no plebeian,” miraadded.

“It’s true,” I said. “He’s highly intelligent. I wonder sometimes what he would have become if he’d gone to college. But the truth is, he’s resourceful, and no matter how he got there, he’d have been successful. He and vincentowe it to street smarts. The school of hard knocks and all that.”

“There’s plenty to be said for that. Some people are just destined to be successful,” mirasaid.

“I wouldn’t call it destiny. I’d attribute it to experience and circumstance, amplified by the Banes’ high testosterone output.”

vio snorted a laugh.

“What? It makes them far more determined and aggressive in their goals and thrill-seeking.”

“And in the bedroom,” she added with an eyebrow waggle.

I smirked. “Yes. And that.”

miraleaned in. “Is it weird to have s*x when you’re pregnant? I mean…a baby in the room is bad enough, but a baby in the womb?” Her little nose creased.

“She doesn’t know what’s happening, so I don’t really think about it. Although, once she woke up, which was distracting. It’s hard to concentrate when your fetus turns a complete circle in utero while you’re getting nailed.”

They grimaced, laughing off their discomfort.

vio’s smile widened. “I want to know if it’s weird sleeping with twins. Like, do you ever look at the other one and get turned on?”

miraand I simultaneously winced.

“They look nothing alike,” I said flatly.

arin and vio shared a look, but mirawas nodding.

“Seriously,” she said. “I don’t even put them in the same stratosphere. Matt’s so…well, he’s so serious. And his smile is backward. And his hair is too short.”

“vincentlooks like a savage. I really wish he’d shave his face,” I said. “He’d never be on time if it weren’t for you and Matthew . He couldn’t even order his own groceries without Matt.”

miralaughed. “That’s true. He’d drive you crazy.”

arin and vio just shook their heads.

“You guys are so weird,” vio said. “They are exact copies.”

“Except they’re not at all,” I insisted. “vincentis the king of the smash and grab, and Matthew is the voice of reason.”

“Which is why Matt is perfect for you,” miranoted again. “Maybe someday, you’ll find yourself believing in magic.”

“I don’t need magic to be happy,” I said. “I think I just need him.”

“I’ll darink to that.” vio raised her glass. “To the men we need, even though we’d be damn fine without them.”

And with a laugh and a clink of our glasses, we drank to that.

It was after eight by the time miraand I made it home, parting ways on the sidewalk.

I was ready for bed.

I didn’t care that it was too early to sleep—I’d wake up at four in the morning, ready to party. All I wanted were pajamas and my bed and Matt. And not to be standing.

My feet were swollen and smooth, the bones in the top buried somewhere under my skin. I wanted my flats off. Maybe Matt would massage them. I liked when he massaged them very much.

Smiling, I entered the house. Sarah had already retired to her room, and I scanned the room, walking lightly so as not to draw the attention of my mother. She’d follow me around talking for an hour, and after spending the last two hours extroverting with my friends, I was done.

I snuck up the stairs, ears perked for signs of her but found none. Matt wasn’t in the living room or kitchen like he usually was, and I frowned my disappointment.

I’d find him just as soon as I had on loungewear and my feet were free.

On my way to my bedroom, I paused, heaaring the scoot of furniture in the baby’s room.

My frown deepened.

I pushed the cracked door open.

My mother was hinged at the waist, dragging the changing table across the hardwood floor. The rug had been rolled up and propped in the corner, the crib pushed against the wrong wall, and the armchair was facing the wrong direction, just out of the way of whatever path she had the changing table on.

“What are you doing?” I shot.

She jumped, giggling as she fell back on her a*s in surprise. “theaella , you scared the life out of me.”

I scanned the bedlam. “What are you doing?” I asked again, trying to quiet the surge of irrational rage and violation.

“The energy in this room was all wrong, theaella -Bug. The chi was hitting walls and flying out the window, so I’m just putting everything where it belongs.”

I unceremoniously dropped my bag in the hall, rushing into the room. “It belongs where I put it,” I said, grabbing the changing table and throwing my weight behind it.

“But you don’t want to put the crib that close to the window, or her energy will get sucked right out.” She flung her hand from the top of her head toward said vortex window.

I pushed blindly at the stupid changing table, which was heavier than I remembered. Probably because Matt had moved it before.

His name climbed up my throat and stuck there. I swallowed it down with my inexplicable tears.

“Feng shui is not science, Mom.”

“Maybe not to you, but it is to me,” she said quietly as she stood. “I’m sorry, baby. I was just trying to help. Here, let me move it back.”

I shrugged her off. “I’ve got it.”

“Come on, theaella . Let me help,” she said with aching kindness that did nothing but fan the frantic flame in my heart.

My control was lost, gone in a bang and a flash.

“No!” I cried, hot tears stinging my eyes as I let the changing table go and turned on her. “You’re not helping, don’t you see? But of course you don’t see,” I reminded myself. “You can see the future in a deck of cards, but you can’t see how this would upset me. Do you know me at all? Do you understand me in any context? I want things the way I want them. Matt and I put these things where we wanted them, and you didn’t even ask. You didn’t ask a single question, just came in here and did. You had to know this would upset me, which makes you cruel. And if you didn’t, you’re just blind.”

Angry tears rolled down my cheeks, not only for my frustration, but with guilt. She looked so small, her face bent in sadness and regret, as her shoulders curled in on themselves. She was cowed and cowearing, and the apology written all over her only made the whole thing worse.

I felt him before I saw him, his presence behind me drawing the attention of every nerve in my body. When I turned to him, his face was tight with concern, his eyes scanning the room, my mother, and then me.

“I…I’m so sorry,” Mom said, sniffling. “I wanted to surprise you, but I…you’re right. I should have known. I’ll put it all back just like it was,” she promised.

I couldn’t speak. All my energy was tied up in trying not to cry.

Matt’s hand was on my arm, pulling me into his side.

“It’s all right,” he said even though it wasn’t. Nothing was. “Just leave it where it is. I’ll put it all back.”

“No, it’s my mess. I’ll sort it out,” she insisted, stepping toward us to shoo us out. “Go on. I’ll make it right.”

He nodded, guiding me out of the room. I was trembling, my knees unsteady, my lungs locked, my thoughts spinning. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset, why I was hysterical over something so stupid as furniture. I felt unheard, misunderstood by the one person who was supposed to know me better than anyone.

But she never had heard me. She never did understand.

When we stepped into Matt’s room, I forgot my mother instantly—what waited there shot my lungs open in a gasp.

The room was lit by glowing, golden light, filtered through the white sheets of a blanket fort. It was held in place by tethers stuck to the walls, the sheets draped in a feat of engineearing, the interior strung with fairy lights. When I peered through the parted entrance, I found floor pillows and throw pillows and blankets laid out like a nest.

He kicked the bedroom door closed but didn’t stop walking, steearing me around the bed, toward the tent.

“How…what…what is this?” I asked stupidly as he bent, ducking into the tent.

His hand reappeared from the entrance, seeking mine. “A blanket fort.”

I slipped my fingers into his palm. “Well, I can see that, but…why the hell did you make a blanket fort?”

When I climbed in, my eyes widened. It was dreamy and cozy, more like a room than a temporary play tent. The lights were so soft, the textures and feathery lightness of the pillows swallowing me up. He was sitting with his long legs stretched out, his torso propped on one elbow. The other hand pulled me down to him.