Ruin me, Dear Professor

Chapter seven.

Renna's POV.

I lay sprawled across his chest, his arm loosely draped around me, and his fingers tracing idle patterns on my shoulder. His heartbeat was steady beneath my ear... nothing like the rush that had carried us here.

For a long time, I said nothing. It felt safer that way. If I spoke, I was afraid the spell would break.

But the thought was already there, whispering.

He’s married... It didn't seem to click to me until we'd done what we did.

I tried to bury it, the same way I’d buried so many things these past weeks, but it pulsed louder with every breath I took.

Finally, I shifted slightly, lifting my head so I could see his face. He was resting with his eyes closed, a faint smile tugging at one corner of his mouth.

He looked at peace.

I wasn’t.

“Hey,” I said quietly.

He hummed in response, eyes still closed. “Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

At the mention of that, he pulled one eye open. “You always can kitten.” he murmured.

I hesitated. The words felt heavy in my throat. “You said you’re married.”

His hand stopped moving. “I did.”

I pushed up a little, sitting halfway against him. “So what does that make this?”

He opened both eyes now, studying me. His gaze didn’t waver; it was calm... almost too calm.

“It makes this what it is,” he said at last.

“And what is it?” I pressed, my voice smaller than I wanted.

He exhaled slowly and sat up, resting his elbows on his knees before turning his head toward me. “You really want to pull that into this bed, kitten? After the night we’ve had?”

“It’s not about that,” I said quickly. “It’s about me not knowing where I stand. I can’t...”

He reached out, his hand warm against my cheek, and the rest of the sentence dissolved.

“Kitten,” he said softly, “not everything has to be named right away. Sometimes you just let it exist. Let it breathe before you cage it with words.”

“But you have someone...”

He leaned closer, his thumb brushing the corner of my mouth. “And you have scars too, you're healing from a heartbreak, as much as my marriage is also in the picture, maybe we’re both a little broken. Maybe that’s what this is.”

I looked down at the space between us, at the way his hand still rested against my jaw, hypnotizing me and confusing me all at once.

“This feels wrong,” I whispered.

“Then stop thinking about it,” he replied, his tone low, almost a plea. "It'll only freak you out the more, and that is the last thing you need right now."

He reached behind me, pulling me gently back against his chest. His voice dropped near my ear. “You don’t have to decide anything tonight. You don’t have to fix me, or yourself. Just… stay here for a while.”

I felt the rise and fall of his breathing against my back, the slow thud of his heart matching mine.

“I don’t know how to not think,” I admitted.

“Then let me teach you,” he murmured.

For a long time, we stayed that way.. silent and breathing, his fingers threaded through mine, and I watched them, the difference between our hands: his broad and sure, mine trembling and unsure.

“What happens tomorrow?” I asked after a while.

He smiled against my hair. “Tomorrow we remember that the world is loud and complicated. Tonight we forget that it ever was.”

Something inside me gave way then, not reason exactly, but resistance. If I really wanted to enjoy this then I would have to fight the thoughts.

I turned to face him. His eyes met mine in the same turn. “You’re impossible,” I nudged him slightly.

He tilted his head, amusement flickering in his gaze. “You keep saying that, but you’re the one in my arms right now, and possibly will be for a long time."

He was right, I could have left. I could have pulled the blanket around me, gathered my things, and run before the sun made everything too real.

Instead, I leaned closer. The distance between us vanished until I could feel the warmth of his breath.

“Maybe just for tonight,” I whispered, “I’ll stop thinking and just enjoy the moment.”

He gave a slow nod. “Good,” he said. “Because I’m not ready to let go of you yet.” His hand slid up to the back of my neck, guiding me closer until our foreheads touched.

Everything that had felt tangled... guilt, fear, it all went quiet.

I let my thoughts dissolve into the rhythm of his breath, letting myself forget, just for now.

And when he leaned closer to kiss my forehead softly, I couldn't say another word. I just closed my eyes and let the noise of the world fade until all that was left was the deep sound of his heavy intoxicating breath against my ear.

***

Morning light spilled through the half-drawn curtains, I could feel his arm slung warmly around my waist as I pulled my eyes open.

For a long time I didn’t move. I listened to the faint buzz of the city outside the window... life generally continuum while we lay suspended in the kind of silence that only comes after something irreversible.

His breathing was relaxed, and really steady.

Mine wasn’t.

I turned my head slightly, studying the curve of his shoulder, the line of his throat. The calm on his face made him look younger.

How is he so hot, even in his sleep? And quite early in the morning?

Suddenly, something caught my eye.

A thin band of gold on his left hand.

It wasn’t loud or extravagant, but it was unmistakable. A simple wedding ring, dulled by time but still very much there.

The sight of it made something twist deep in my chest.

I lay back, staring at the ceiling, trying to pretend it didn’t bother me. But the ring burned against my sight.

When I finally slipped out of bed, he stirred but didn’t wake. I gathered one of his shirts from a chair and pulled it on, the fabric hanging loose around me.

I strolled straight to the kitchen, thankfully, I found coffee already ground in a jar. I busied myself with the machine, grateful for the small sound of water dripping, something ordinary to fill the room and keep me from thinking too far.

Just after I'd set it down and silence settled back around me, I suddenly heard his voice from the room, seemingly speaking to someone over the phone.

“Yeah,” he said after a pause. “I’m fine… just had too much work. Didn’t want to come home too late and wake you.”

"I’ll be home soon.”

My stomach tightened as I returned to to the room, coffee in my hand.

I met him still sitting up on the bed, phone still in his hand, eyes closed. Then he set it down carefully and looked over at me.

“You’re up early,” he said, his tone light, as if the last few minutes hadn’t happened.

“Couldn’t sleep.” I tried to smile, but it faltered. “Coffee’s ready.”

He came to stand beside me, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his skin through the thin fabric of his shirt on my shoulders. For a while we just stood there, neither speaking.

Then I asked, quietly, “Does she think you’re at work?”

He didn’t answer immediately. His jaw flexed once before he cleared his throat, “She thinks I’m finishing a project out of town.”

A dry humorless laugh escaped me. “So that’s what we are, then. A project.”

“Don’t do that,” he said softly.

“Do what?”

“Make this a subject again, you knew what you were walking into.”

“I thought I did,” I admitted. “But seeing that ring this morning...

He reached out, catching my hand before I could finish. “please don't, not now."

His fingers laced through mine. "Oh, and before I forget, this place,” he said quietly, glancing around the apartment, "is the only space that we can meet. Away from eyes, I got it just for us, it’s where we can be honest, without pretending to anyone else, you can always meet me here anytime.”

“Honest?” I echoed. “You just lied to your wife.”

He flinched, barely, then sighed. “That’s the world outside. This… this is the one thing that feels real.”

I didn’t know what to say... Not that I didn't have thoughts running through my head, but it was all too blurry, and didn't leave me with any word to mutter.

He brushed a strand of hair from my face, his touch gentle. “I can’t offer you a clean story,” he said. “I can only offer you this... when we’re here, it’s only us. Safe from eyes. No one judging, no one owning anyone.”

“And when we leave?” I asked.

He smiled faintly. "We blend in and just exist, until we're back here and in each other's arms again."

I studied him for a long moment. His ring caught the light again, bright for an instant before the shadow of his hand covered it.

Part of me wanted to demand more.. to ask for promises, explanations, something that could make sense of what we’d started. But another part, the tired part, just wanted to stop fighting the current.

“Alright,” I said finally. “Just here.”

He nodded once, relief flickering across his face. “Just here.”

He stepped closer, his forehead resting against mine. "Stay a little longer?”

I closed my eyes, inhaling the quiet scent of him. The logical part of me screamed to leave, to walk out before I lost myself completely.

But when I opened my mouth, the only word that came out was, “Okay.”

He smiled, the kind that reached his eyes this time, and drew me back toward him, toward the calm he carried like armor.

I didn't know what I was doing and what exactly was going, but one thing was sure... What we have... What we have found in each other, seemed worthy of fighting for... Even if it doesn't feel right.