Interpretation.
866 Words
I often wondered what the intention of life was for , if it were just a hypothetical analysis based on what people have experienced or if it were even just some bullshit excuse to get by and confide in just to avoid what it really is. What it is, is a punishment to push yourself to the extent that you discover that reality is much more despicable than the eye meets. I find myself facing more demons within my own life than as opposed to what I could possibly experience in the after life of the place where sinners go to , Hell. Could it be that there is no such thing as complete insanity because it could be justified as the realization of just how messed up the spectrum is. But people are scared to admit to that so they formulate a means to cope which is considering that those who are more troubled by its truth are downright mentally unstable. I could go on exposing my thoughts and questioning everything but how could you believe me if you don’t even know who I am. I’m just a mundane 20 year old that seems to have lost faith in all of the teachings and practices I learnt growing up. You would think that a young adult such as myself couldn’t know any better but the truth is , as I expand more and more on things you’ll find yourself with more reasonable doubt than you’d like to admit. You’ll find yourself agreeing with me after I prove to you that you can trust my word based on the type of person I am. Sitting here all I can think about is how I’ve managed to throw myself off the brink because not only am I talking to myself but I’m also trying to convince the other part of me that I can justify myself to myself. Am I crazy for talking to myself or is it just that I’m conflicted by everything I’ve ever discovered. Questioning myself to the point that I’m not even making sense anymore. The only way I’m going to progress is if I make sense of it all and to do that I need to start from the beginning. Start where all of this darkness started consuming me and I could say that the establishment of that was at birth but I can’t say I had the mental capacity to even understand what my eyes had been exposed to at the time of conception. When my little beady eyes faced light for the first time in my whole existence. Everyone seems to know what they’re doing when an infant is conceived but it’s all routine. A baby is born and there’s protocol and I get that but what if there wasn’t. They call a baby a blessing but what if that baby is a mere sin and your repentance for all the s**t you’ve done in your so called life. So you’re stuck with another life form in your hands because that’s your responsibility in order to be cleansed. I mean if that were the case it would be a perfect explanation as to why my parents are such disappointments because they despised the mere sight of me. You would think that a baby girl would bring happiness to the world but what if that’s why you start to give in to the darkness. It seems to me like rejection from your own bloodline can stir up a hunger inside of you that is big enough to consider any goddamn thing just to get a taste of affection and love that was owed to you. As a human race our duty is to keep us from expiring and like I said it’s all routine, right. I guess all of my shitty actions and lifelong decisions commenced during my days as a toddler. Seeing the world through two perspectives whereby one was through the reality that my parents deprived me of the life of any other child and the other of a fabrication of what they portrayed our household was like to the world. It’s been 20 years and I still feel like the biggest failure yet I have no remorse for myself and I hate pity. All I know is that I was named Sydney and that I have hazel brown eyes from my biological father and golden brown hair from the woman that birthed me but other than that there is nothing else that ties me to those two waste bags. I question myself because I’ve been through the pits because of them and I’m not saying that no one else goes through trials and tribulations throughout their lives but I’m the one that has come back with the realization that things aren’t what they seem because I know that from experience. I may sound like a crazy person right now and it may seem like I have schizophrenia but there’s much more to me than the eye meets. When I said I’ve been speaking to myself I meant that literally as there really is another side of me. You wonder why I question the spectrum well that’s justifiable too.
- Writer
