LOVES NOT IN HER DICTIONARY

COMPLICATED

This f*****g crazy! I don't even know where to start from or what to think of all this or myself. How could this be? I am not sad I am pregnant? or could it be? No! quite the contrary. I mean why should I be? This little one growing inside of me now is a symbol of the affection I shared with the love of my life. Would he even feel the same about it? Now everything is going to get complicated. The fact that we are world's apart! coming from different backgrounds. No disrespect to him but this observation is definitely going to be up for discussion, attached with the situation of his nuptials. When Mr. and Mrs. almighty KUMEDRO, my parents get to know of my present condition as well as the one responsible for it. They will leave no stone unturned in unraveling all this. My parents cherish me alot and have always allowed me have my way. However I needed time to convince them to accept him. I may be all grown up now, to boldly say I can take of myself but this is not going to be overlooked! I can feel it. if only I was was capable, how could I have got myself in this condition in the first place without the Know how?

I am sure! going to be receiving all the lectures about how this is not an individual issue but a family matter so on and off. Not in a chance am I forgetting my irresponsibility. His background, line of work, social status? where the unending list goes on.

Compared to all those spoilt egotistic sons of their elite business associates they'd prefer, I'd be with? with all their exquisite designers three smithereens suits, expensive cologne and their sophisticated life styles etc. The few they tried to pair me with were horribly stale. They couldn't give me an ounce of the joy I found in this simple man.' ignorant of old Soldier's royalty'. Them be too serious for my liking for Christ sake! With all those TG heir perfectly chiseled faces, always stiff as a person suffering from constipation with no humor. I am a lot of work as it is just being me! to have to deal with their stiffness.

My pain is me! unable to get how this happened. I am very peculiar when it comes to the issues relating to s*x. Honestly I am an over thinker-perfectionist. I wouldn't be my parents child if I was an errorist in the slightest way. I never make mistakes! so then how? I can't even eschew my own tears at the back of this taxi, in the company of my friend and this driver. I am decapitated as far as holding it in is concerned right now. Even my emotions betray me! Too paralyzed to put up a false barricade of strength! Lost in thoughts with all these shattering slides......with rain of non-stop tears. This day has opened my eyes to how vulnerable I can be notwithstanding the circumstances and place. I had always thought I was made of steel. Guess I was wrong after all!. My inability to control my emotions right now makes all too glaring.

Just the mere idea that I am three whole months gone in pregnancy, hitched to the fact that after 3! fully fledged months of communication with my heart throb in his voyage? I was unable to detect not hint it? Because I was unaware myself kills me more. what kind of a woman will be heavy with child and not notice within the first month? Honestly I mean how? when did I misplaced my attentiveness? what will he think of me now? if I told him out of the blue ...I was carrying his child! what kind of a man would accept this? Months of not having any bodily contact not artificial means of planting a baby in the womb of a woman, then boom! all of a 'taadaaa!' you receive a notification.

" Hey babe! I am pregnant!"

it is not a piece of artifact you purchase at a shop! neither is pregnancy caught through the air nor better yet through networks now. This is a receipt for disaster and God is my witness.

Regardless of the explanations the doctor gave with all the grammar? I insist this is a tough one to digest. if I can't simply understand this myself? how do I expect him to? it is either I make up my mind to rid myself of this calamity or make up the tid- bits of how this came to be. Meaningfully before he catches a whiff of it else? He will kill someone better yet die himself! No! I can't let that happen! Never! if I could get how this came about without doubting? it would put my mind at rest and a good standing in explaining to him. if I decided to keep this baby even if he refused responsibility? at least bi get to keep my dignity intact. To do this I must retrace my steps hither to his departure. with the implicit knowledge that he is the only man in my life. Also the last that saw my nakedness . I am reassured with a clean conscience.

We spent the eve of his venture together. I am week kneed when it comes to him. Just the ordinary fall back on our last moment with each other seems to render me stupid. Proven by this involuntary gleaming smile on my surface, now incoherent with tear trails. The memory of him soothes my pain , knock-on my wanton urge, causing my body to out of my control. I must be going insane at this moment, at the rate at which I prance through these menacing layers of emotions .

It is pain at my current condition, followed by lusting at the reminiscence of my love. A taint of a bright eyed smile then a finishing touch of pitiful melancholic crying drama queen. If this is not madness? Someone please give me a perfect word for it. I can see the worried look on Mansa's faces as my frontal goes through these switches. After all I have done and put her through? I know , I owe her an undiluted crystal clear apology. Ana explanation too but at a later date. When I have been able to sort all this chaotic strands of entangled f**k up successfully. For now, I don't feel like talking to her because, if we should dive into that aspect it the ocean now? she will not stop until she drags me to the last depth of spilling the truth! A place I am unfortunately not in any form or way ready to go.'her mind drifts to old Soldier again'.

It was truly heaven on earth with my man that night. No one has ever been good at treating my body so delicately, queenly and expertly with finesse at a go to the fulfilment of my soul. this brought back a groovy awakening in me with the playback of Judy BUCHA'S track ' That Night's the explicit reiteration of what I experienced.

That night we met

I will never forget that night

That night we kissed, how could I forget?

you had me make it! you had me make it through that night

you bring me happiness you made me cry

Since that night, I just wanted you

That night we met, I had no regret

you change my life over night

you took my trouble and turn them to happiness

Since that night I just wanted you!

Whoooooosh! ' Shaking her skull as if a bug had crawled underneath her hair, just to take the unchaste snap rolls of pictures playing out in her gumption'. I better concentrate on crux events that occurred that night accumulating to this situation. Which will be useful to solving this mess- up than trivial temptations that led me here in the first place. yet can I not help it.

Genuinely, I was marked with his scent that dark! as a wolf would imprint on it mate deep within my genetic compound indelibly n high toxicity. However, at an unharmful pleasurable level, leaving an eternal sweet fragrant tattoo and sweet sensations ignitable by him alone via ordinary envision or in flesh. 'Now she was having dreamy drolly eyes with her teeth set on her lower lip sexually' lost in the depths of her minds dense forest.

A hong blares from the taxi conveying them home to shock her back to civilization. In deterrent to another driver trying to overtake them senselessly on the high way with not reasonable gap to do so their driver had to honk. Instead of going on with his journey peacefully after almost causing an accident and being left off the hook with just a warning. He rather takes offense making abusive gesticulation of his hands as in a fist but thumb pointy as in an ok! sign but a little bent saying' wu name twe wati' in two ' one of the languages spoken in Ghana' meaning ' your mother's private part'. An uncouth but very typical behavior of drivers on the busy streets of Accra. Be not deceived this attitude is only restricted to commercial drivers. No! both commercial conjoined with private car owners. On an extremely busy, scotching sunny day, filled with frustrating choking traffic. Chancing upon a 3piece suited up reputable man either bantering or in a fight on the streets was not a rare sight.

Instantly nthe wires of their drivers brains torched! One could literally see smoke evaporating his ears and nostrils. In fact the meekly looking man became a loose barrel releasing hefty canon punch lines of insult on his offender/ abuser. Normally this played out three ways,

either the occupants of the taxi plead with their driver to let go for their safety, they joined in the craze , also have fun while at it or watch on amused but unconcerned. The latter, have I decided to do, mind my business! for I have more pressing a challenge to conquer than asserting the role of peace maker/ fueler in the dramatic lives of drivers. Mansa on the other hand opted for the former; safety peace maker.

'Slowly slipping was my lower lips into freedom from being in captivity as well as my mind from wet throw backs'.

"Damn! Jennifer Kumedro! Wake up b***h! You had unprotected intimate affiliation and forgot to take your f*****g pills i***t! My subconscious lashed out at me unforgivably as if it was my first time committing this sin. God have mercy! No! No! No! No! ' was the mournful chorus she sang dejectedly undertone in a loop, as a recapture of the remarkable last scene on the eve old soldier left resurfaced in slow mo!'

We both suffered that night. he was struggling to hold himself together to leave as much as I was battling to hold my tears from falling. I didn't want to break his spirit. To commit treason. Saying good bye for a while was very painful and why should it even be ' GOODBYE'? when the one you love and would rather have close was going to be staying away!. Be it for a short while or not. It should never happen. Because it was excruciating agony! In the first place! There is nothing ' GOOD' about the 'BYE'.