An Illicit Love

Chapter 4

On Monday morning, Catie went through the normal routine of preparing Bryan for pre-school. Packed his lunch and a spare set of clothes. Kevin had left earlier for work, taking his flask of black coffee (coffee for work, tea at home, ticked) and his lunch tin, packed with sandwiches, chips and a fruit. Just as he liked. While Bryan watched his favorite cartoon, Catie showered and got ready for work. She chose her clothes no more carefully than usual – she told herself, and tried to believe it. Luckily she had a daily make up routine and used perfume every day, so nobody could accuse her of doing anything out of the ordinary, not even her irritating inner voice. But did she view herself in the mirror a few more times than usual? And check her make up more carefully too? Of course not. What a ridiculous idea.

Catie dropped Bryan at pre-school and started the road to work. As she drove closer, her hands started sweating and slipping on the steering wheel. Her leg muscles started twitching, luckily just a little. It meant nothing. Really. Catie narrowly missed hitting the pavement while peering at her reflection in the rear view mirror, and she told herself sternly to pull herself towards herself, stop being a ninny, and get to work to face the day and all it held. Having thus resolved to adopt the correct manner in which to tackle the day, Catie finished the trip to work. Believing herself to be an honest person, she had to admit that her heart was beating as if she had just completed a two hour aerobic session, followed by her nightly four km run. No one could see what was going on inside her and she told herself sternly she could handle whatever came her way this day. She had handled more difficult issues in her life and would overcome this too. Really – asked her irritating inner voice with an unbelieving snort.

Catie walked into the office, greeting all her colleagues. Wanda gave her a careful, obvious look up and down, as she always did when Catie looked attractive. Catie knew she could expect a spiteful, catty remark later, but this was not in the least important today. Today, greeting Dave normally would suffice. Acting poised, in-control and professional was of paramount importance.

Catie left Dave’s office for last, and stepped into the doorway with the best intentions and greeting rehearsed in her mind. Where the heck did it all disappear to when he looked up, right into her eyes, no evasion here, and simply said in a voice slightly deeper than usual, “Hi Catie”. His eyes did not look away and kept the contact they had with hers, carrying a message only they knew about. Catie’s mouth was drier than the Sahara desert, her tongue stuck to her palate, her heart pounding, her weak leg muscles which she regularly exercised till they burned and screamed for mercy, started shaking again. A sickly, awkward grin slid onto her face, and she turned away with a weak wave of her hand. Ninny!!! Jeered her inner voice, and didn’t even bother to hide the triumphant laugh it gave. Catie walked as steadily as possible to her desk and busied herself with checking her diary and putting on her PC in a weak attempt to calm herself. Her heart was pumping as if she had just completed a punishing aerobics routine, and her hands were shaking as she put her handbag down. What had happened to her resolve to handle the day calmly and coolly?

The switchboard started ringing, the shop steward brought the previous week’s wages for checking and slowly Catie slipped into the routine of the day. Her heart beating normally, her muscles under control, she answered an internal call, from Dave, asked her to please bring the time sheets for his approval. Why did she turn into a ninny again? Where were all the strict words of control she had instilled into herself over the weekend? Where was her cool, calm, professional demeanor? Gone, you Ninny!!! jeered her inner voice. Let’s go.

Catie approached Dave’s office, with beating heart, not knowing what to expect. Hoping he was more in control than she was, so that nobody in the office would realize everything was not as usual. She entered and he asked her gravely to sit, indicating the chair on the opposite side of his desk. Catie sat and lifted her eyes to look at him. Not a good idea. All her betraying symptoms increased in intensity. And she realized that he was also most definitely not more in control than she. His eyes were searching hers, and he had his hands pressed together on top of the desk, knuckles white from the effort he was expending to keep them steady. “Catie”, he started in a quiet, if slightly unsteady voice, “I will not ask you to forgive me for what happened on Friday. I can’t. I have wanted to do it for so long that I could no longer fight it. However, we can’t discuss it here. Please will you meet me at the nearby Tennis Courts after work.” Catie tried to keep her eyes from boggling, and her tongue from sticking to her palate, failed, and just nodded in consent. She put the time sheets down and exited his office n what she hoped was a cool, calm collected manner.

Throughout the day, Catie performed her duties with only a few moments of panicked thought as to what the meeting after work would hold. Keeping busy was the only way to ward off an attack of the collywobbles at the thought of four thirty arriving. She blocked out her inner voice, attended to the mail, queries from colleagues and all other duties with a single thought in mind. To put a stop to whatever had started happening on Friday. To do the right thing. To maintain her integrity in the face of great temptation. To put from her mind how she had felt since Friday, because thinking of that would make it extremely difficult to do the right thing.