The Mute Girl

Devin

Friday, 09 March 2018

Morning

I miss her. More than I have missed anything in my life. I always tell myself that it will go away. That the pain will pass. But with every passing second, the pain only increases. It doesn't help that she is everywhere. In the living room of my house, in the kitchen, in my bedroom, in the streets, in the park that is at the end of the road. Every f*****g where. I see Bri everywhere. And that only intensifies my pain. So, I have invited myself to Mac and Kyle's house and made their guest room my abode. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Granted, I am not the most pious guy you'll meet but I'm not necessarily a sinner either.

It's like the world is punishing me for a mistake that I had no idea I did. I want to somehow wake Bri up and ask her why she left me. I want to apologize to her for every last of my mistake. It doesn't matter what I have to do. I will grovel at her feet, give up everything I own and do whatever the f**k she wants me to do if that means getting her back. If that means getting my queen back.

I ran a hand through my hair and held back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. Someone knocked on my door and sighed heavily when I gave no reply. "Devin, please come out," she whispered.

"Go away, Mac," I snapped.

"I'm not going anywhere," she screamed from the other side of the door. "You haven't left this room since you came from the station three days ago. College is gonna start from Monday. Everyone is moving on, Devin. What do you want to do, huh? Lock yourself up in the room and torture yourself and those around you? Is that what you want to do?"

Mac was right. I haven't left this room since Bri's death, except to go to the funeral and then the questioning. I can't get myself to move from this room. It's like Bri took with her my ability to function properly. I fear that if I will set my foot out of the room, all the memories will come back and throw me in a darkness where I never will come from. As for college, I don't think I can go there anytime soon. I can't walk through the hallways where once she walked, hand-in-hand with me. I can't stand sitting in the class, in the same seat which I shared with her. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

"Please Devin," Mac pleaded, her voice soft. "Come out."

Closing my eyes, I ignored her calls and laid on the bed. I let the tears flow from my eyes for the first time since Bri's death and soon I was choking on my own sobs. I heard shuffling on the other side of the door but ignored it and after some time, it got silent. Dead silent.

My thoughts, however, were there, filling the silence. They were screaming at me. Reprimanding me. Reminding me what a douche I was to her. To the girl, I called my queen. Laughing at me for losing such a precious gem. I felt an intense pain in my chest area, and clutching my chest tightly I started wailing loudly as Bri's smiling face continued flashing behind my closed lids. The beautiful sound of her laughter was ringing in my eyes. I put my hands on my ears, willing the sound to go away. I screamed when the sound was replaced by her cries, the smiling face replaced by the horrified one and soon, darkness engulfed me completely.

Afternoon

I was absolutely enraged when I regained my consciousness. I wanted answers. An answer to every one of my question. There was this one guy at the station, Detective Owens. He was the one who had questioned me. After I had given my statement, I was walking out of the station when he had put a hand on my shoulder and said, "We'll find the killer, Mr. King. As soon as we can. Don't lose hope. I'll give you a call if we have some new information."

It has been three days since then and I still haven't heard anything from them. So I decided to drop by the station. It might even make Mac and Kyle feel a bit better if I came out of this room. I was walking out of the house when Mac stopped me.

"Where are you going?"

I turned around and gave her a half smile. "Just out. I was thinking of going to the station. See if they have found something."

She bit her lip and started rocking on her heels. "Can I come along?"

I shoved my hands in my jeans. "Mac. I want to stay alone for some time."

"You have been alone for four days now, Devin," she argued. "I just want to make sure that... you'll be safe. I don't think it will the best idea for you to drive in this condition."

"I'm OK, Mac. Really."

I could tell that she wasn't convinced. She was staring at me with a lot of concern. It would have been touching if she wasn't starting to become suffocating. I saw Kyle walking towards us and threw him a pleading look. He put an arm around Mac's waist, pulling her towards him. Mac smiled up at him and gave him a quick peck on the lip. Seeing them like that, getting cozy and all, I felt a pang in my chest. That used to be me and Bri just a few days ago and now, I can never have that.

"Let him be, babe," Kyle told her. "I'm sure he can take care of himself."

Mac gave us an unsure look but finally agreed. "Fine. But please take care, okay?"

"Don't worry about me, Mac. I'll be fine." Giving them a parting nod, I left.

After driving around for an hour, I finally went to the station. I asked for Detective Owens but the lady on the desk said that he wasn't available yet. "He's currently in the middle of an interrogation, dear."

"Have they found someone?" I asked, feeling a huge weight lift off my chest as hope filled my body. However, when she gave me an apologetic smile, I felt the weight falling on my heart again, crushing all of my hopes in the process.

"How long till he is free?"

"I have no idea," she said. "He's been there for a while now."

"What should I do then?"

"You can wait for him in his office." I wasn't even asking her the question, I was just talking to myself.

"I can?"

"Detective Owens talked to me about you. You surely can go."

Nodding hesitantly, I started walking towards his office. I had been there when I came here the other day. He questioned me in his office and not the interrogation room. That was quite weird for me but I think he felt bad for getting me there only a day after my girlfriend died.

I waited for him in his office for what felt like hours but he didn't come. Thinking that it might take him a long time in the interrogation, I decided to leave. I can always come back later. Or maybe tomorrow. I have to ask him who they held in for questioning. Maybe they'll have some clues now.

I had just left the station when I saw a familiar face. A very familiar face. Speed walking towards her, I called her name. I had expected her to ignore me like she did in the cemetery but she actually stopped. She was shocked and her eyes begged me to go away. What is wrong with her?

"Erin, what the f**k are you doing here?" I asked her and then turned to Detective Owens who was looking at us curiously. "Why did you get her here?"

"You know her Mr. King?"

I felt a lump forming in my throat at his question. What was I thinking, coming here like this, bombarding the detective with questions? Of course, Erin wanted me to go.

"Yes… She is… I know her from my high school," I finally said. "She was my classmate."

I saw a look of disdain cross Erin's face but this was the best reply I could give. She turned to Detective Owens, gave him a nod and took off. I looked at her retreating back and decided that it would be best if I didn't go after her right now. I'll visit her later in the evening.

"So, Mr. King," Detective Owens said gaining my attention, "any particular reason why you showed up at the station today?"

"I just wanted to ask about the investigation. Do you have any leads?"

"Unfortunately no. But we are-"

"-doing your best," I interrupted him. "I know."

He sighed and the two of us stood in silence. I wanted to ask him why they had brought in Erin but that may raise suspicion so I remained quiet. Then after what felt like hours, Detective Owens patted my shoulder. "You should go home, Mr. King. I told you that I will myself give you a call if there is anything that is to be shared."

I nodded slowly and without saying another word, I made my way towards my car with only one thought in my head: I have to meet Erin as soon as possible.

Late Evening

Nothing went as expected. I had expected door slamming in my face, some abuse, maybe a slap or a punch. But that didn't happen. As soon as I had rung the bell, the doors opened and Erin politely invited me inside. As I walked into her apartment, I thought, 'of course, there's no violence. This is Erin we are talking about. The girl will cry if she saw a dog abandoned on the side of the road for more than two minutes.'

I sat on the couch and silently waited for her as she made coffee for the two of us. Once done, she sat beside me, handed me my cup and together, the two of us drank the coffee in silence.

"You okay?" I asked her, putting my now empty mug on the coffee table.

She gripped her mug tightly and nodded slowly, but didn't raise her head.

"Erin... what were you doing at the station?"

When she looked at me, I saw terror in her brown orbs. With shaky hands, she signed, "They know about the bullying. I didn't want to tell them but they already knew. I have no idea how."

Cursing under my breath, I raked a hand through my hair. "It's OK. That's nothing big. It's completely OK."

I didn't know if I was convincing her that everything is OK or myself. When I looked up at Erin, I saw her giving me a concerned look. "I'm sorry about Brianna," she signed.

My shoulders slumped and I bit my lip. "It wasn't your fault."

"How are you holding up?"

I let out a humorless chuckle and leaned back on the couch. "Honestly? I feel like s**t right now. Have felt like this ever since her death."

Erin put a hand on my leg and patted it reassuringly but I was already lost in my thoughts. Without even realizing it, I was already talking to her about my state. "It's still hard to believe, you know? Every time I wake up from sleep, I feel like this all was a dream. A nightmare. That when I will look beside me on the bed, I will see Bri lying there, giving me a million dollar smile. That as soon as our eyes meet, she will peck my lips and whisper to me, 'Good morning, love.' Then I will wrap my arms around her and kiss her on the mouth. That we will spend the morning in bed, cuddling, just bathing in each other's presence." I shook my head. "I don't think I'll ever be able to live normally again. I don't even know what normal is anymore."

I turned to look at Erin with tearful eyes and saw her looking at the floor with a sullen expression. "I wish she didn't leave us all like this," I whispered. Then after a few minutes of silently looking at her, I said, "I'm sorry Erin. I really am."

Erin's eyes snapped up to meet mine and she gave me a tired smile. "I know," she signed.

Of course, she does. Erin always knows everything. And the best thing? She understands.