I held it together until Eli fell asleep.
That was the deal I made with myself in the car on the way home from treatment. Hold it together until Eli is in bed and the house is quiet and then you can fall apart. Not before. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone.
I held it together through dinner and through the dragon book and through Eli's very serious goodnight speech to Captain bear and through tucking him in twice because the first time the blanket wasn't right and the second time it was.
Then I went to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub and cried.
Not gently.
This cry came from somewhere deep that had been waiting for permission and took the permission and ran with it. My shoulders shook and my chest hurt and I pressed both hands over my mouth to keep the sound insi
