In Aid and Deceit

1

I used to convince myself that everyone had a someday.

Everything will be well one day. Despite all of the misfits and waiting, the right shoe will eventually find its way into mine and everything will simply... work out. Everything has a right time, and it takes longer than we imagine.

I shrugged off my dithering and arched my back, content with the sound my spine produces when stretched. I've been lumping myself off for far too long, marking medical terms and putting down my comprehension that my bones are giving away, and what's more hilarious is that I didn't notice.

I cackled as I reminisced my belief and my source of indulgence to push through to this degree. The senior high school me would agree with self-gratification and familial sense belief but my college self would disagree. I loathe myself for even signing up for this but at the same time, I’m gratified. It fills me so much with joy that I just want to burn all of my outlines, flashcards, notes, and everything that has a written medical term. I’m happy, distressed, anxious, happy with what I’m doing again, and also saddened that I’m pursuing this with Reed.

My temples twitched just by thinking of the name of that bastard. Placing my highlighters at the side of the table and leaning back to my computer chair as I stare at the blank ceiling, I heaved a sigh. Recalling that guy’s name takes a little until it’s an unlikely big toll on my body.

I do know for a fact that when my heart is at rest, the sinoatrial node makes my heartbeat for about 60 to 100 times each minute but every damn time, even when I’m not involved in any physically stimulating activities or sports, I could hear and feel my heart forcing itself out of my chest as if it’s at 100bpm. A tachycardia just because of a guy? Hell no. I obviously didn’t sign up to nursing school just to have a damn tachycardia that doesn’t have any relation with a life in line on my hands, the anxiety that this medical course brings, some street drugs I accidentally took, some medications, or any kind of emotional trigger BUT never, NEVER have I ever thought that it would be associated to that jackass’ face and name.

It’s just… so ugly. It’s ugly. It’s ugly how I’m still hooked up like this.

           I could feel lethargy seeping into my veins, so I heaved myself from my seat and extended my arms once again. Jump, jump, jump, and jump again. Continue to leap; I desperately need this. I've been using leaping as a coping method for the past several days when my thoughts are spiraling out of control, and it's been working. Maybe strenuous exercises truly can reduce stress, but I simply hope I can find time to exercise so that I can completely occupy myself. I'm terrible at time management and adhere discipline in my planner, and obviously, I can't fit exercise into my schedule when it's jam-packed with study, relax, eat, study, and study some more.

           When I heard a knock, my thoughts were disturbed. I came to a halt, sweating profusely and chasing my breaths. This body is severely under-exercised, and it's obvious. I jumped for only twenty times and I'm already exhausted; I'm wondering how that dude managed to maintain fit despite our hectic schedules.

           The knob twisted before I could even open it, and it made my breathing jerk when I saw that dude I was cursing earlier for causing my heart to beat abnormally, and for making it twitch with so much angst that I just want to shut this door in his face and imagine him being a cadaver and me closely examining him. It’s ugly how big his effect is to me, causing my damn body to react like this.

           I muttered a curse under my breath and silently pinched myself to get some knack of sense. I can’t get lost in my feelings, despite of its ugly transparency.

           Reed’s pair of beautiful hazel almond eyes met mine, and I can already tell that he’s losing his s**t. I scanned him and his eyes are dilated, he couldn't focus on me so I assumed his vision is blurry, he couldn't keep his balance so his motor skills are impaired, bet he's feeling euphoric as hell, and now he lifted his hands, gripping my shoulders, fluttering his lazily heavy lashes, and I want to smack his face for touching me, making me feel this damn eccentric.

           “You’re Nessy, right?” he said, cupping my face.

           It made me feel like a joke, draining every bit of blood from my face and leaving me with the sensation that a tank of frigid water had suddenly filled my flesh. I slapped his hand in my face, causing him to smirk. He pinched my cheeks before walking over me.

           I bit my lower lip, trying to keep my mouth from cursing him. One thing I'm confident of is that I never bite back in response to his provocations. I'm a loser for feeling this way about a jerk, so I attempt to make up by putting on my tough ass façade even if it’s making me want to just… nope, not gonna admit it.

           He sat on my bed and traced my steps with his flirting eyes. I completely ignored him and returned to my compute chair, acting as if he’s not even in my room.

           He chuckled. “Just kidding, Alice. I’m drunk but I do know it’s your room and you’re you.”

           I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, Reed. Just get the hell out of my room.” I plead, half-heartedly.

           Reed released a frustrated groan. “Just let me rest, Nessy. I’ll be out soon.”

           The tip of my pen automatically snapped with the forceful writing I exhibited, as the page of my notebook got torn. I know he’s kidding but hearing another girl’s name in his mouth just really, really piss me off.

           Definitely not his fault but it’s my room. I rose up and towered over him, whose face is as thick as the walls in my room. I can't believe he just invaded my room, my thoughts, offended me twice, and is now sleeping on my bed. All this guy has is audacity and… okay, let me scan his face for a second. Just to make sure he’s really passed out and maybe, just a tad bit, I might allow him to sleep in my room for 30 minutes before I kick him out and be with whoever the hell is Nessy.

           I sat next to him, trying not to make a sound that might disturb his peace. His hands are both at the back of his head, and it crushed my heart. Just the thought that when he wakes up, his forearm may become numb and cause an electrocuting feeling was enough to make me seek for the comfiest pillow in my room. I gently raised his head and placed my pillow behind his head. Reed remained still, his breathing heavy. If he's this immovable and insensitive, he must be quite intoxicated. Reed normally has strong tolerance to alcohol and since he’s like this, I guess he really did enjoy his self out there while I’m studying my ass out.

           My room and Reed’s at this dormitory for nursing students are next to each other but he’s moving out next month since his family bought a condominium for him. It makes me sad but at the same time, excited. We’re in the same school and go home at the same building. It makes it harder for me to move forward when he’s just next door so maybe, once he’s away, I might have a bigger room to step away from him.

           Once I’m certain he’s at his peace, I scanned his face again. It sucks how much I can’t stop adoring his face, his physique, or everything about him. I lifted my hand, trying to reach out for his slender skin, and maybe trace his slightly growing beard. Reed loves it when his face is neat, it makes me giggle how he’d react once he saw his face in the mirror with this little hair of his.

           My breathing hitched as my attention was drawn to the lipstick mark behind his ear, bringing my dreaming world to a halt and my adoring glance over him to dissipate. I nearly forgot Reed was there right in front of me. This is THE Reed I need to be careful of. The same gentleman who made many women weep, and I'm the only one who never bended in his bed or wavered in his fingers. And I must keep it that way if I want to win.

           It’s okay. That lipstick stain is nothing since you and Reed are nothing. Getting offended over something like this is like my daily vitamin and nothing’s new to this. It’s okay. Maybe that kiss is from Nessy. He kept on saying Nessy earlier so I guess it’s from Nessy. Or maybe from some other girl he also mistook as Nessy. It’s okay, right? It should be. It’s just what was meant to happen all the time so I shouldn’t get worked up over something as basic as this.

           My cheeks became wet with a disgusting liquid from my eyes. It's terrifying how this happens again and again. I simply stated everything will be okay, but this damned body of mine likes to resist what I'm standing for. My hands shivered, but I want more, to be slammed with this brutal truth so I may move forward and away from him. Maybe this night will be the wake-up call I've been looking for.

           Even though my vision was blurred by tears, I moved closer to him and inspected his shirt for any signs that he'd been with other women. I made sure my movements were subtle since I didn't want to wake him up and show him how dissatisfied I am with myself and him. Every day, I hope he sees me in a new way, and every day, I'm betrayed.

I bit my lip as I noticed a dark red mark on his collarbone, and I want to investigate further, but I'm not dumb enough to make myself struggle any farther. I'm sure this guy smells like after s*x or he just had a fling with some females before coming home... to me. Surprisingly, I was content with the bare minimum. At the very least, he's currently in my room. That after the day is done, he will, like always, return home to me. Shouldn't that be the only thing that matters?

I want to laugh at myself, but I'm too scared to make a sound and disrupt his sleep. I'm not going to give him the honor of witnessing my anguish because of how much of a manwhore he is. It's enough that I have feelings for him and that only I am aware of them. I'll never tell him how big of an influence he has on me. I'm not going to let him win. I admire him in more ways than one, and it's driving me away from the principle I've lived by, from the pride I hold dear, from what people think of me, and from how brilliant I am. I am more than this agony, more than my admiration.

I sighed and chuckled faintly. I remind myself yet again. I remind myself of how far I've come, how I'm at a good school, how I'm in a competitive course, and how I'm able to consistently obtain exceptional marks. But every time he's in front of me, everything goes away and all I see is him, all I want to feel is him, all I want is to be reciprocated so that the persistence I've put in to never lose him in my sight, despite of his betrayals, can finally bear fruit.

I grabbed for his face and cleaned the lipstick stain below his ears until it was clean. I stepped closer to him and adored him once again, and again, while he was at rest.

"I'm not Nessy, stupid. It's Alice. When are you going to realize that? " I murmured as I kissed the love bite in his collarbone.

I pulled out my smartphone and took a picture of his sleeping face since I noticed how serene he looks while he's lying asleep. He'd be furious afterwards if he only knew what I'd done. I used to take a lot of risks photographing him when he was dozing off, but I was caught one time. The next day, my phone was flooded with photos of each other sleeping. When we were partners for some laboratory activity at the time, that guy took a number of shots while I was asleep at school. There were selfies of us together and at one shot, he was attempting to insert his finger in my nose and some of our classmates in the background are giddy with that funny shot of us. I was furious with him at the time, but then he started laughing, and I was no longer furious with him.

His laugh is admirably rare despite of his playful demeanor and I’m entirely fortunate to be granted of his laugh. His vibe negates mine and each time we’re together, it’s just… balance. Everything just works out, at least for me. I don’t know if it works the same for him but I did try to ask him one time about what he thinks with this “platonic” thing we have.

Suddenly, I recalled how much of a jackass he is that one time we went on a fine dining restaurant.

“Jen was glaring. I think she’d literally gauge my eyes out if ever we come across in the girl’s room.” I said as I lick my ice cream.

Reed grinned. He took off his eyes on his phone and focused onto me, which I felt myself cheeks burn. Why does he have to look at me? Sure he can talk without looking. It’s… it’s giving me the damn butterflies. And I hate it.

“Well, she could glare as much as she wants but you’re at the top of my list. She’s like on the bottom. Same footing with Hillary.” He joked.

I rolled my eyes at him though I felt flattered with what he’s said, even if he’s just kidding.

“Hillary?”

He bit his lip, as if he’s said something that he wasn’t supposed to spill. I exasperatedly leaned at my seat while looking at him with disbelief. Why is he never vacant? He’s always with girls. One after another or even one during another.

He’s literally the worst. I can’t believe I have my eyes on him.

“Hillary, beauty queen of the South. She’s kind. I like her.” He confessed.

The same sentence was what he said before he entangled himself with Jen. And just like the last time, I felt my chest hurt a little.

I balled my hand into fist under the table and tried to compose my smile well, like how I practice each time he introduces me to someone, or each time he tells me details about the funny, and disgusting things he did with his women as if they were his playthings.

“How about Jen?” I asked, thinking of the another poor woman who believed could tame him but apparently, he wasn’t.

Reed puckered his lips, his eyes aglow with the same emptiness. He's gazing at me, at his girls, smiling at things, casually laughing, and emanates the happiest lighthearted kind, but his eyes are constantly blank. He's seeing things, but it just seemed that he's really looking when he's not. It's as if he's staring at some empty space and all he does is pretend that he sees something extraordinary in that empty place when it's just... empty.

“She’ll get over. I’ll dump her later.” He casually spoke, as if he’s picking which item should he keep and which he deems unnecessary anymore.

It pissed me off more than it should so I kicked his feet under the table, making him flinch, and wear down that bland expression of his.

“Stop treating girls as if they’re your playthings, Reed. You’re such an ugly f*****g jerk.” I said, glaring at him, and genuinely mad at how dull his life is.

Reed chuckled. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. What do you want me to do then? I don’t want anything to do with Jen. Shouldn’t I tell her right off? Or bring her to a fancy dinner then tell her I’m gonna see the girl from the South?” he said sarcastically.

His mind is so preoccupied with himself that he can't even discern what plain decency is. And the gall of this person to pretend as though I had said something hysterically ridiculous that negates his innate asshole-ness.

I'm absolutely so sick of his women and his methods that I shook my head and took out my phone, completely ignoring him. For all I care, I hope he’d get into some real trouble with girls and never find a way to get out. Why did I even bother to meet up with him in a Sunday? I should’ve just locked myself up in my room and studied chemistry instead of listening to his ridiculousness.

Reed must have sensed that I’m so done with him. I heard him sigh but I remained looking at my phone, pretending to search for some biochemistry lessons when for a fact, he’s invading all of my thoughts right now.

Each time I'm with him, I'm strange, but all of my rationality flew out the window when I felt him reach out of my hand beneath the table. This is why I continued to cling to him. His reckless approaches, believing it's simply friendly closeness he's entitled to do when I just want him to put everything on hold so I can finally get rid of my feelings for him. Yet I know deep inside of me, I yearn for these things. I yearn for him, because I adore him.

“Hey, I’m sorry for being a jackass.” He said, his sincerity so full that I wish he just stop.

When he rose up and dragged his chair near me, I was out of breath. We're in a restaurant right now, and there aren't many people around because it's just 6 o’clock Still, I was concerned that someone may be staring at us from afar, but my concerns were dispelled when he sat so close beside me and placed his calloused palm above mine.

“Okay, I’ll drop off Jen in a nice, good boy method just so you’d stop feeling pissed. You good with that?”

I locked my phone and looked in his eyes, looking for some sincerity within those beautiful eyes of his but still, I couldn’t see anything. He’s just void of expression, and just acts based on what everyone wants him to.

I brushed off his hand from mine and returned my attention at my screen. “Stop doing it because of me, Reed. Do it because Jen deserves it… and because it’s the most decent thing to do. You’ve got to stop being so apathetic and learn to grow some emotions.” I bluntly said.

He froze next to me but it wasn’t the first time I told it to his face. He’s just a body without anything within him, and I really want to help him finally feel things but he wouldn’t just allow anyone nor allow his self. We’re grown ups already, and it shouldn’t be my job to fix him. It’s his own thing.

Since he’s silent, I had to look at him, only to see he’s now texting someone and the f*****g smile he has on his face was so annoying, as if we didn’t speak of something serious earlier. I glanced at his phone and saw Hillary’s name on it.

           I sighed and stabbed the meat on my plate. Reed jumped as a result of my suddenness. He appeared anxious as he gulped whatever he was eating. I sliced my steak with emphasis, intending to scare him with how closely I sliced the meat. Believe me, Reed, I'm envisioning this as your face.

           “Uhm, okay. I’ll… I’ll apologize to Jen and meet up with her right away. I’m sorry, okay? Can we be friends again?” he asked, and moved his chair slightly away from me.

           I sighed. “Whatever, Reed. You’re an old dude. You should be mindful of your s**t and have to quit dragging me to it, okay?” my voice stern, and preventing itself from quivering, I spoke again. I wish he knows how difficult it is for me to support him in his new ways of finding girls.

           I shoved a large piece of meat into my mouth and ate it without fully chewing. He handed me a glass of water, which I drank. "The steak here is awful. Bring her someplace else." I lied, even if the steak was delicious.

Subconsciously, I made a mental point to return here with Heath since I couldn't enjoy the flavor of this steak thanks to the asshat in front of me. What kind of a rude man he is to bring me to a place that he wants to bring his girls in? Anyway, even if he knew my feelings, I’m sure he’d still bring me here to rate the taste this restaurant produces.

His face was confused so I made up more convincing lies. “The plating is good, the mood is good, everything’s good except the food. Just drop it. Bring Hillary somewhere else.” As if a bulb appeared above my head, I spoke. “Try bringing her to the Italian restaurant Heath and always go to. It’s amazing out there.” Again, lying, since Heath and I cursed out that place for having horrible customer service.

I’ve just thought of this thing I was doing a helping hand to Hillary, and a revenge that I silently partook for Jen’s name. I’m definitely crossing out my personal vendetta in this one.

He seemed to agree with me, so we just ate in peace. In between our meals, he wouldn’t stop destroying my appetite since he’s always texting someone on his phone. We never conversed again after that since he’s preoccupied with his new subject of fake affection.

I decided to move away from Reed and head out of my room, shrugging off those negative thoughts. When I did, the sound of college students partying on the first floor was audible even from the fourth floor.

Some of my neighbors noticed me. Even from afar, I can tell they're drunk. When they came up to me, I quickly finger brushed my hair and wore my 'nursing' smile.

Lewis’ arm was wrapped around Yara’s shoulder and they were giggling and whispering to each other. “Hey, Alice. You’re not gonna party with us?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Nope. I have some things.”

She rolled her eyes. “C’mon, girl. Have some fun with us and I know you’re studying in the middle of the night. Just… draw a line, stop it, get drunk and get laid. There are law students down there, wanna go?” she winked.

Lewis laughed. “Yeah, Jake’s also there.” He teased.

I rolled my eyes. Yes, of course. Jake, the Reed of the Legal management Department.

“Jake might want to get laid tonight, and you might be the lucky girl! C’mon, let’s go! I’ll refer you to him. We kinda talk.” She said, and giggled.

Lewis chuckled. “Yeah, Alice. He’s my friend too. Wanna go?”

I was about to shake my head when my door suddenly opened, revealing Reed with his bed hair, slightly opened eyes, and his yawning face. Reed scanned their faces and I know he’s still drunk. Immediately, his eyes went to me as he flashed his devilish grin. My cheeks burned when he pulled me inside the room, and immediately locked the door behind me, leaving Yara and Lewis’ shocked faces outside.

I looked at Reed with disbelief and slapped his chest.

“You! I was talking to them!” I exclaimed.

Reed yawned once more. He moved a step closer, forcing my back against the door behind me. With our intimate proximity and how intoxicated he is right now; I could feel myself sweating bullets. My heart is pounding against my chest, forcing my legs to wobble and my hands to shiver with an inexplicable want to touch him.

I affirmed myself a while ago that I’m taking a step away from him, and now I’m here again, succumbed to his overwhelming power over me.

“Reed, get back…” I silently prayed, with my voice quivering.

He cursed under his breath as he placed his arm above me, while the other beside my shoulder.

“I f*****g heard Lewis. You’re gonna get laid tonight?” he asked, with a tilt of anger dripping in his voice.

My breathing hitched with the arrogance in his voice, as my chest feels incapacitated with our distance, I felt intoxicated with what he said.

He was looking over me with that blank expression of his. I looked up to him with the bravest face I could fake, and smirked.

“I was thinking to. But since you’re here, I might book a hotel instead.” I provoked.

Reed stared at me, and his look was mesmerizingly dangerous. I looked away from his overbearing gaze and stared at the floor instead.

He moved away from me, and I released my breath immediately that I didn’t even notice I was holding in. He was still looking at me, and I reciprocated it with an equally arrogant face that he shows.

He snickered. “I have condoms in my wallet. Safe s*x, baby, okay?” He said and headed into my bed.

My room was deafeningly quiet, and I felt a hot pool of tears slide down my cheeks. I cupped my face and wiped it, but it was wet again as a result of my foolishness for believing him to feel a thing.

This is what I get for even biting his provocation, for attempting to draw out a feeling from him. this is what I get for adoring a heartless man like him, and for staying beside this heartless man regardless of the pain stakes he causes to me.

I calmed and washed my face with water. There’s no way I’m going to cry for him. This day is just like any other, and his words earlier weren’t really different from the previous hurtful things he unintentionally spoke of.

           When I’m done, I quietly sauntered towards the bed and sat beside him. He was deep in his sleep already, while I was out there crying over him. The difference between us two was so apparent that I’m questioning why I even feel this way for him.

           I lied down beside him and looked over his peaceful face on my side.

           “Why are you so cruel?” I whispered.

           He didn’t respond to me which was a pain. A tear fell on my eyes, and I immediately wiped it with the back of my hand.

           “You’re so cruel, Reed. You’re so cruel.”

           I was accustomed to the pain, but I wasn’t like him who is apathetic and insensitive. I am frail when I am alone, and most frail when it comes to him. The tears in my eyes wouldn’t stop falling down, despite of my attempts to stop it from falling. I’ve thought of humorous occasions where I usually laugh in but none of those works for me when my pain is caused by him.

           It’s humiliating. Humiliating and disastrous. Shameful. Aggravating.

           I was never like this. I was always composed, always fine, always myself. But everything goes haywire when Reed is in the sentence. Suddenly, I don’t know myself anymore. Suddenly, I’m not who I think I am. Suddenly, I’m paying for things that I usually don’t pay attention to.

           I bit my tongue to suppress myself from making a sound. What if he sees me? My face is wet with tears, and what I’m feeling is so transparent through a single look from my face. A single look from my face, if he opens his eye, it would expose all of the underlying feelings I have for him. Just a single look. A single look could confess everything that I’m hiding within me.

           But he didn’t. His eyes were still closed, and his breathing was deep. Reed is peacefully sleeping while I’m crying my heart out in front of him.

           This much difference should be enough as a wake-up call for me, but it isn’t. Each time I wake up, I yearn for his face. When I go to the school, I look beside my chair, willing for him to come. When I go home, I listen to the wall beside me, to hear if he’s finally home. I consequently peek outside my door to see a fragment of him, even though he’s always making out with random women from our building outside his room, even inside his room. The only motivation I have to keep going on in his face. It’s an ugly trust but it is the truth.

           I just wish he feels the same way, or even if he doesn’t, I wish he’d stop being so cruel.