Under The Stars

12

The whisper of Sam soothing Anna while she cries makes me ache for Goldi. But I don’t call her. I don’t deserve any solace. Words of rehabilitation are mentioned, pamphlets are exchanged, and just like that the hospital wipes their hands of Lily, preparing to discharge her within a few hours.

Sam, Anna, and I go down to the cafeteria after Lily asks for a minute to rest. They’re both talking to me, but I don’t pay attention. I’m too busy sinking into the depths of my self-loathing. This is my fault. If I had just paid more attention. Not gotten so caught up in my own life… in Goldi.

Eventually, we make it back to Lily’s room, preparing for the tough conversations ahead. But when we walk in, the room’s empty.

She’s gone.

Everybody always leaves.

12

Chase

Twenty Years Old

“Chase, are you even listening to me?”

I look at Lindsay, her bleached-blonde hair covering half of her face as she leans over her textbook. She sniffs like she has a cold. We aren’t in a class together anymore, but we still meet once a week to study.

“Yeah, I’m listening.”

I’m not.

Lindsay sniffs again, looking at me through her lashes, a smirk on her face. “What did I say, then?”

I don’t answer. I’m too busy wondering why I even bother with this charade of school anymore. After Lily made her great escape, I was firm in the decision of staying home and helping Sam and Anna try to find her. They fought me, convinced I should continue to “live my life.”

What a f*****g joke.

They’ve been searching for a year now, and no luck. They hang on to their hope, but I know better. No love is greater than a love affair with drugs.

In all honesty, I’m still at ETU to keep some distance between Goldi and me. Like usual, whenever we’re together, everything disappears until all I see is her. But sometimes looking at her hurts. Thoughts whisper that if I hadn’t given in to the pull between us, my sister might be healthy. Happy. Here.

I should have saved her from this. I could have saved her.

I see the pain I cause Goldi when I play hot and cold whenever she visits. I hear it in her voice every time she asks if she did something wrong. I want to scream that it’s not her, it’s me.

It’s always me.

I should let her go, I know this. But I love her. So f*****g much. So, I’m selfish. I keep her on my rope, knowing I’m slowly hanging us both.

Lindsay sniffs again.

I quirk my brow. “Are you getting sick?”

She rubs under her nose and looks up, her pen creating a steady tap tap tap from her twitching hand. “What? No. I’m fine.”

I lean forward, looking at her closely. She’s antsy. She keeps rubbing her nose, and as she meets my gaze, I notice her pupils are the size of quarters.

“Are you f*****g high?” I hiss.

She taps her nose. “Just a little pick me up, Chase. Nothing to freak out about.”

“There’s no such thing as a ‘little pick me up,’ Lindsay. What the f**k is wrong with you? ”

She shifts in her chair. “Jesus, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t want you to be high when you’re around me.” I point my pencil at her, gripping it so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap in half.

She raises her hands in surrender. “Okay, fine.”

“I’m serious, Lindsay. Never again.”

My phone vibrates on the table, Goldi’s name flashing across the screen. We haven’t spoken in days, and I’m dying to hear her voice, but getting to the bottom of Lindsay’s habit is more important right now. Goldi will understand.

I silence the phone, slipping it in my pocket.

Now that I know Lindsay’s been using, I’m worried, so I invite her over, sit her down and tell her I want to help. I need to help. She breaks down, admitting it’s out of control, and she’s scared of it taking over her life.

From then on, whenever I’m not working or in class, I’m with Lindsay. I don’t particularly enjoy her company, but I don’t want to give her the chance to shove more poison up her nose. Besides, it gives me something to do other than sit at my apartment and be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, I look at her and I swear it’s Lily I’m seeing—not that they look anything alike.

Maybe it’s my penance. Maybe if God exists, he’s giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is I couldn’t save my mom or Lily. I’ll be damned if I can’t save her.

Right now, we’re sitting in my living room, The Real World on TV. Jax and Goldi are driving up for the weekend, and I told Lindsay she could hang. To say I’m anxious is an understatement. Normally, I wouldn’t worry about Goldi being insecure, but our relationship has been rocky, thanks to me and my revolving door of f*****g issues.

Lindsay begged me not to tell them about her problem. Said she didn’t want two of the most important people in my life to look down on her. I tried to reassure her they weren’t like that, but she’s adamant, and it’s not my story to tell. Because of that, I don’t really know what to say to Goldi about her. I don’t want to lie, so I’ve missed more than a few of our phone calls.

The doorbell rings and I jump. My nervous energy makes my motions feel jerky opening the door.

A swirl of vanilla and blonde rushes into me, long legs wrapping around my waist. I bury my head in her hair, gripping under the curve of her ass, holding her tightly to me. Immediately, the heaviness disappears from my shoulders, and the thoughts quiet in my brain. The way they always do when she’s around. It’s so f*****g good to have her in my arms.

She peppers my face with kisses and I chuckle, squeezing her ass in my palms. “Good to see you too, baby.”

She giggles, sliding down my body and backing up. “Dang, I missed you somethin’ fierce.”

Jax is still in the doorway, his eyes on Goldi. I clear my throat to get his attention, wondering why the f**k he’s staring at her like that. He moves his gaze to me, adopting a carefree attitude. “Hey bro, good to see you.”

I raise my chin in acknowledgment, still watching him. He has his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he’s looking around the apartment like he’s never seen it before. The moment he spots Lindsay, a saccharine smile spreads over his face. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

Lindsay grins, walking over to stand beside me. “Hi, you must be Jax. We’ve met once before, but I doubt you remember. Chase has told me so much about you!”

His eyebrows jump. “Has he, now? That’s interesting, I don’t think he’s said a single thing about you. Trust me, I’d remember.” He looks her up and down, giving her a wink. But then he glances over at Goldi, and I watch as what looks like concern fills his features.

Goldi’s staring in Lindsay’s direction. I reach out to search for her hand, lacing our fingers together, and rubbing the back of it with my thumb. Guilt for not giving her warning about Lindsay crawls up my throat. “Yeah, Lindsay and I have been chilling recently. I told her she could kick it this weekend, get to know you guys.”

“You two have been chillin’ recently?” Goldi’s voice is tight, her hand rigid in mine.

I look at her, unease prickling at my skin.

Lindsay jumps in before I respond. “Goldi, right?”

Goldi’s eyes narrow. “It’s Alina.”

Shit.

“Oh.” Lindsay smiles, nervously. “I’m sorry, I just assumed. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you so I could thank you for sharing Chase. I can’t tell you how much his friendship has come to mean to me.” She rests her hand on my arm at the same time Goldi rips hers away, stepping closer to Jax, and bouncing her gaze between us.

Irritation nags at my back. Why the hell would she say that?

Jax pipes in, calming the tension in that way only he can do. “Where’s my thank you, Lindsay? He was mine first, you know

.”

My eyes don’t leave Goldi. “Naw, man. I’ve always been Goldi’s. She’s had me since I was thirteen.”

Goldi’s features soften, her love pouring into the air between us. I revel in the warmth, knowing I don’t deserve the comfort.