Under The Stars

2

I can be that someone.

Happy with my decision, I dance my way through the front door and into Lily and Chase’s life.

Daddy did always tell me I would dance straight into trouble.

Summer turns into fall, bleeding into winter, and before I know it, the springtime flowers are blooming. Becca, Lily, and I hang out nearly every day. The two of them got along instantly, bonding over their love of fashion, and their heartbreak over NSYNC being on a “temporary hiatus” but never getting back together. It doesn’t hurt that Lily gushed over Becca’s curly red hair and emerald green eyes. I saw Becca’s eyes light up in approval when they first met. She soaks up attention like grass soaks up the morning dew.

It’s Wednesday after school, the only day Becca can’t play with us because her mama makes her go to church. Lily and I lay in the grass eating cherry popsicles, letting the spring sun soak into our skin. If I try hard enough, I can almost pretend it’s summer. A shadow comes over me and I shield my eyes to see who it is.

“Hey Goldi, looking a little pink right… here.” Chase pushes his index finger into my cheek.

I smile back at him, even though he’s still calling me Goldi. I’ve tried for months to get him to open up, but he’s built up a brick wall and nothing but a wrecking ball is gonna get through. Still, whenever he’s near, my body starts to hum and I crave his attention in the worst way.

“Want a popsicle?” I hold out mine to sho

wcase how delicious they look, the ice-cold goodness dripping down the stick and onto my hand.

“Nope, I came to get Lily. Sam and Anna want us to come home, say they have something important to talk about.” He rolls his eyes like he’s annoyed.

“What do you mean?” Lily pushes her bright-pink sunglasses off her face. “Something important? You don’t think they’re going to make us leave, do you? We just got here!” She pouts, gnawing on her lower lip.

“No, Lil, I don’t think it’s anything bad. They seem pretty excited, so it must be good news.” Chase smiles, but to me, he looks a little nervous. Lily dashes inside my house, saying she’ll be ready to go in just a second.

I don’t know much about the homes they’ve been in before, but I don’t like to bring it up. There are not many times Lily shuts up, but you ask about her past and she clams up and looks about as lost as last year’s Easter egg.

Chase lies down beside me, sighing like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“How you feeling today, Goldi?” He says this every time he sees me.

“This popsicle is makin’ my mouth too cold,” I complain, throwing it on the grass.

He smiles at my answer and then gets quiet.

“You know,” I say in a whisper, “if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”

He scoffs. “You’re a kid, Goldi. I’m not gonna complain to you about my issues. You just keep being a good friend to my sister. Promise to never leave us, and I’ll take care of you both. How’s that?”

“Hey!” I push his arm. “You can act as grown as you want, but you’re a kid, too. Plus, Daddy always tells me I’m an old soul.” I puff my chest out in pride. “And ‘sides… you two are the best thing to happen around here, other than Becca. Where would I go?” I raise my arms and look around. “I’m your friend, too, not just Lily’s. Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah, okay. I hear you. But I’m good, I promise.”

I lean closer, placing my fingertip to his chest. “You can try to fool the world sad boy, but you can’t fool me. I see you.”

He opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but before he can Lily comes rushing out with her book bag hanging from one hand and a Coke in the other.

“Okay! I’m ready.” She swipes the hair out of her face, smiling as she looks between the two of us. “See ya later, Lee!” She waves.

Chase hops up, and just like that they both disappear down the street.

Later that night, I’m lying in bed and just about to fall asleep when I hear my window slide open. I had no idea it wasn’t locked, and I’m so terrified someone is breaking into our house that I can’t move. I don’t usually pray when Mama makes me go to church on Sundays, but now I squeeze my eyes tight and pray to God Almighty that whoever is in my room decides to leave.

“Goldi.”

I feel the bed dip next to me, and the comforter pulls back before a warm body slides down next to mine.

“Goldi, you awake?” It’s a whisper but I hear it loud and clear. My whole body relaxes and I turn around, looking at Chase, in shock. I don’t say anything. My heart is still recovering from thinking we were being robbed, so I just continue to stare at him.

He squeezes his eyes shut. “I couldn’t sleep and I needed someone to talk to. Your offer still good?”

“Yeah, of course,” I whisper. I don’t say anything else. I’m super nervous he’s here in the first place. Daddy would kill me for having a boy in my room, but there’s no way in heck I’m telling him to leave.

We lay in silence for a long time, both of us staring at the glow ‘n stick stars covering my ceiling.

“Do you ever look up at the stars and feel small, Goldi?”

“What, the ones on my ceilin’?”

“No, the real ones, high in the sky.”

I chew my lip as I think about what he’s asking. “I’ve never really thought about it. But sometimes, I like to stare at the mountains, and think about how small I am next to ‘em. Is that what you mean?”

“Yeah, kinda. I just… sometimes I look at the stars and think about how none of this s**t really matters, you know?”

I don’t know, so I stay quiet.

“I think maybe that’s why my mom could leave me so easily,” he continues.

“Because you’re smaller than the stars?”

“Because to her, I didn’t really matter.”

I reach my hand across the bed to grab his. I don’t say anything right away. I just try to imagine what it would be like to not have a mama who loves you like it’s the most important thing she’ll ever do. I decide right then that I hate her, wherever she is, for making him feel anything less than what he deserves to be.

“You matter to me,” I whisper.

I hear him swallow, the sound thick. “You matter to me, too. Promise you’ll never leave?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

I squeeze his hand tight and he intertwines our fingers.

When I wake up in the morning, he’s gone, but that night I make sure to leave my window unlocked, just in case.

Chase

Thirteen Years Old

I f*****g hate small towns. Over the past five years, I’ve been bounced from one pathetic small town to the next, and at the end of the day, they’re all the same. Boring streets and boring people with pity in their eyes and force behind their fists. Life with my mom wasn’t sunshine and roses, but it sure beats having to put up with the scumbags that pretend to care about kids in the system.

If I only had myself to worry about, I would have made the jump to a street kid before the first foster home—but it’s not just me. I have a little sister to protect, and the thought of leaving her to the wolves makes me sick to my stomach. So, I’ve taken the insults and the beatings for both of us with a smile on my face, knowing I’m protecting her the best way I know how.

The last piece of s**t “foster parent” begged our caseworker to take us back after I caught him trying to sneak into Lily’s room. I guess he didn’t take too kindly to a thirteen-year-old holding a knife to his d**k. He liked it even less when I threatened to cut it off and shove it down his throat if he so much as looked at her again. I asked Lily if he ever did anything, but she swears up and down nothing happened. I take her at face value because the alternative means I have to kill a motherfucker, and I’m too pretty for jail.

So, here we are with Sam and Anna. They’re a couple who just moved us from Nashville to Sugarlake, Tennessee. Population three-thousand. Well three-thousand plus four, I guess. They’re different than other foster parents we’ve had. Nice even, but I still don’t want them. Like any kid, I just want my mom. But she packed up our life in Chicago, trekked us seven hours down to Nashville, and got high, forgetting us at a gas station. I’m angry at her. So, so angry. But, no matter how pissed off I am, it doesn’t stop the dreams at night of her coming back. I hate those dreams because when I wake up I feel that hole she put inside me fester and rip open all over again.

We’re driving through the one main road in this town, and I’m looking out the window to see if there’s anything different about this place than the other ones. The main street is actually called Main Street. I scoff at the predictability.

“Tennessee is so pretty. I bet it’s the prettiest state in the whole universe,” Lily exclaims.

I smirk at her. “That’s just because you don’t remember living anywhere else.”

“Whatever, doesn’t matter. I’m sure it wasn’t like this.” She points toward the mountain range through the window.

She’s not wrong. It is a beautiful state. But how beautiful can something be if it’s filled with the ugliness of your past?

“I’ve always loved Tennessee, too, Lily.” Anna smiles at her from the front seat. “I think you’ll really like it in Sugarlake. You know, that’s where I grew up as a little girl. I’ve always dreamed of comin’ back one day and raisin’ a family here.”

She shares a heavy look with Sam. He places a hand on her knee as she tears up. “I’m so happy you two are here with us to experience it.”

I roll my eyes. Give it a month or two and she’ll be singing the same songs as all the other ones. If it’s not them being the f**k-ups, they quickly realize it’s me. “He’s too angry. He curses too much. He doesn’t act his age.” I’m about to tell Anna exactly what I think of her empty words, but I glance at Lily who has the biggest smile on her face and decide to keep my mouth shut. She deserves a little bit of happiness, even if it doesn’t last.

We’ve been living here for seven months now, and I’m sitting at the dining room table watching Lily cry tears of happiness. They just dropped the bomb that they want to officially adopt us. I’m not sure how I feel. I guess I never really thought it was a possibility. I should be happy, ecstatic even. We’re finally getting a family. New

last names. Chase and Lily Adams.

Sam and Anna are good people and they treat us well, even with the bullshit I put them through. I’m not an easy person to love—my mom made sure I knew it.

I think back to our first day here. Sam and Anna said they hoped this place would be good for me. That I could relax and “just be a kid.” I laughed in their faces, stole a cigarette from Sam’s stash, and flipped them off through the front door. If you haven’t gone through what I have then you don’t get a f*****g say, as far as I’m concerned.

“Chase, isn’t this the best news?” Lily throws her arms around my neck. I shake myself out of my stupor and loosely wrap my arms to hug her back.

“Yeah, Lil. The best.” I try to smile, but it feels more like a grimace. Sam puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing. I don’t think I’m fooling him. It makes me feel guilty because he’s been nothing but the father figure I always wished for. I’ll try harder to be a better son for them. That’s what I am now, I guess.

A son.

Again.

Hopefully, it goes better the second time around.

At night, when my mind won’t shut the f**k up, I slide out of the bedroom window. It’s surprisingly easy for me to sneak out of the house. So I do it, often. Usually, I just walk down the street to the open field, where I lay down and stare at the stars. Tonight, there’s something that makes me stop short in front of the house with blue shutters.

I war with myself over whether or not I should keep walking. Goldi is everything good in the world, and I do my best to keep my distance. She doesn’t need someone like me coming around and dirtying up her life. But f**k, if staying away isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I’ve never had anyone look at me the way she does—like she sees straight into my soul. I can tell she wants my friendship, but I don’t think I need another person in my life to disappoint. Especially an eleven-year-old girl who’s never had anything hurt her worse than a scraped knee.

But even as I repeat to myself that I can’t be her friend, my feet move toward her bedroom window, where I slip inside.