Nightmares

Chapter 4

This is the second short story about Aloha Armstrong, The Woman from L.I.P.S., a secret agent who fights for freedom in the strangest of circumstances. Aloha first appeared in the novel My Zombie Prince, available as an ebook, in print online, or at your favorite bookstore. This story takes place after the events of the novel in an alternate reality where monsters are normal.

Big Hairy Deal

R.G. Hart

For once I wasn’t in the office when our future four-legged client bounded past me, snarling at screaming civilians. At the time I was concentrating on squeezing a grapefruit at Mo’s Fruitland on Bleeker Street, near the office.

My office is located on the third floor of a three-story, mold-covered brick walk-up above Bleeker Street in the city of Vancouver. And not the pretty, multi-cultural-Mecca Vancouver by the sea you’re thinking of—the one on the west coast of Canada. My Vancouver is the one sucked into the dark, gloomy, alternate reality where paranormal is normal.

Today was a day like most days. I was squeezing fruit, watching a crazed vendor swinging a broom in self-defense at a werewolf, and I knew I had to do something about it. It’s my job.

With my partner, I own and operate a private detective agency. We solve problems in the neighborhood. Unusual problems. No, not plumbing or electrical problems, those are someone else’s problem. We deal with the who-ya-gonna-call kinda problems.

In an alternate universe, I used to be an agent for the Legal Investigative Protection Service. Yes, I am the original Woman From L.I.P.S. Impressive, I know, but when Matt and I were accidentally sucked into a space-time portal, we ended up here where the L.I.P.S. doesn't exist. A girl with my skills has to have something to do, so naturally we became PIs.

Matt Butcher, former zombie and my some-time boyfriend, is my partner in our little two-person agency, Abby-Normal Investigations.

Our motto is: We take on any case no matter how weird, how supernatural, how small, how big, or how much you want to pay. Justice is our middle name.

My middle name is actually Mabel, but I hate it.

I introduce myself using only my first and last names. "Armstrong, Aloha Armstrong, Private d**k" has a nice ring to it. Aloha Mabel Armstrong? Yuck.

As far as I’m concerned, my middle name is as big a secret as the combination on the suitcase with the nuclear launch codes.

Anyway, Matt and I handle the cases the cops are too scared to, or the ones they have no idea how to. Our clients are mostly zombies, vampires, midgets (some of my best friends are midgets), swamp monsters, and all sorts of alien life-forms. Let me tell you, aliens are the worst tippers. Anyone got change for a Zelbot drudge?

Yeah, sure, every once in a while a real person walks through the door, but they’re usually looking for the can.

So today, as I was squeezing the grapefruit, this werewolf suddenly appeared and started tearing up the fruit stand and threatening to eat the customers. Since I’m a lot like Batman (other than the shoulder-length, copper-red, wavy hair; knee-high, spike-heeled leather boots; leather mini-skirt; and midriff-baring, too-tight tee, we are exactly the same), I carry every sort of utility item in my purse. Naturally, I came to the rescue.

I pulled a werewolf biscuit from my purse and quickly had this werewolf understanding who’s the alpha. In fact, soon the beast was on its back, whimpering like a puppy, and I was scratching its belly.

It didn’t take long before there was the inevitable shape shift and a naked woman lay at my feet and I was scratching her belly. OK, I know this sounds weird (and it is), but in this universe weird is my business.

I stood. "You OK?"

She blinked, with her arms and legs still in air in that aren’t-I-the-cute-little-puppy position, then said, "Yeah, I think so." A frown creased her brow. "But I’m not sure."

I sensed there was more to this woman’s story, I just needed to dig a little deeper. I needed Matt.

***

Once back at the office, I made a cup of green tea for our prospective client while Matt gave her a blanket to cover herself. She was shivering by now, not a surprise given it rains most of the year here. I glanced out the window overlooking Bleeker Street in time to see a flash of lightning brighten the gray, overcast sky. Really? Does it have to be gloomy all the time?

Our office is located downtown in the seedier section of the city, in a building way past its prime. Not that it’s going to be here much longer.

Foreign developers bought blocks of downtown a few years back and have built several towers of condos in the midst of the cesspool. For eight hundred grand, you get a closet with a great view of another closet with a great view. Did I buy one of these expensive shoeboxes? Yeah, right. I may work with the undead but I’m not brain dead.

Anyway, the woman, Lizzie Harris, turned out to be an accountant for a mad scientist bent on world domination.

Why anyone would want to dominate this world is beyond me. The place is such a mess, you’d have to spend all your time running around fixing stuff. Like I’m the handy-woman type? I don’t think so.

Matt, with his calm demeanor, was, as usual, able to elicit information Lizzie didn’t realize she even knew. Square-jawed Matt, with his wavy brown hair, intense hazel eyes, and aura of confident strength makes most women weak at the knees. He’s beautiful and he’s mine. At least for now.

In the dark days before Zombie Away, Matt suffered from zombieitis. I often wonder if his inner calm comes from his days as a zombie. He seemed so carefree when we first met. Maybe, if you know you’re going to turn to dust soon, you have a different outlook on life. I’m no shrink, so what do I know?

Our on-again, off-again relationship suffers because he has no sense of humor. He’s so darned serious all the time and it drives me nuts. He says I’m too sarcastic to be a good detective. It’s our sore point.

Lizzie told us the mad scientist has been cooking the books and stealing from his investors. Who knew mad scientists had investors?

I sat, half listening to her explanation of his embezzlement scheme, thinking about my hair appointment this afternoon, not particularly caring about any of this (you invest in the evil scheme of a crazed genius, what do you expect?) until she said he also applied for some government research grants under false pretenses.

"I think you just threw us a bone," I blurted, silencing Matt and Lizzie.

Lizzie looked at me slack-jawed and the corners of Matt’s mouth curled slightly, then dropped back into the familiar grim line. He’d never admit it but I just made him laugh.

"Is that a crack?" Lizzie asked indignantly.

Oops. Time for damage control. "Huh? Sorry. No, not at all." I tried my best let’s-be-pals smile but she glared at me. Her angular features were pinched like she’d sucked on a lemon. Werewolves can be touchy about their inner wild child.

"What I’m referring to is the part about your boss ripping off the government. I don’t like that." I lowered my voice. "I mean I really don’t like that."

Lizzie shriveled deeper into the worn wing chair and gripped her teacup tighter, causing the color to drain from her knuckles. I swear I saw fear in her eyes. A frightened werewolf is just pitiful.

I may have gone too intense, but then sometimes you have to let the client know you’re not all sweetness and light. It’s especially important, when you’re a hot-looking babe like me, that people see your serious side.

Matt gazed at me and gave me the slight nod he does when he’s telling me to cool it. He rolled his shoulders beneath his perfectly tailored double-breasted suit, then shifted his gaze to Lizzie. "Sorry about her. She gets a little carried away." He paused to clear his throat. "What she means is that the government will pay us to find out more about your boss’s embezzlement scheme."

Lizzie grinned at him like a schoolgirl on her first date. I suppressed the urge to gag, and crossed my arms over my bosom, determined to keep quiet.

Matt continued. "What’s your boss’s name?"

"He’s quite mad, you know?"

Matt nodded.

"His name’s Tres Zero."

***

The Zeros have been haunting us since we started this agency. In fact, even before that when we stopped the father, Arnold Zero, from stealing the formula for Zombie Away. Then we stopped his son Uno when he threatened to turn the whole world into zombies.

A Google search confirmed Tres Zero is the illegitimate son of Uno Zero and the bearded lady from the Ding-a-ling Brothers’ Circus.

Yup, we’re up to our necks in Zeros again.

This simple case of embezzlement had suddenly turned into a race against time to stop another Zero from taking over the world.

My heart pounded in my ears and my blood coursed through my veins. It’s days like this when ya know this crime-fighting gig just never gets old.

***

We arrived at Castle Zero, situated at the end of a winding, dirt road atop Mount Seymour overlooking the city, just as dusk fell.

When you live in a place where weather is an issue, let me tell you that dusk falls hard. The night was as black as the inside of a cookie jar. Not that I know what the inside of a cookie jar looks like, but a girl can dream, even when she’s always on a diet.

Matt was driving. The ’74 Pinto rattled and wheezed its way along the winding road up the side of the mountain. Pelting rain bounced off the roof of the rusting hulk of a car. We finally came to a stop outside the ten-foot high front gates guarding a long gravel driveway that I hoped led to the castle beyond. It was so dark now, seeing much of anything beyond the gate was a best guess.

The Pinto sighed as if it were relieved to get this far.

No kidding, me too.

It often occurs to me our car might be haunted, which wouldn’t be surprising, but that investigation would have to wait for another day. We had tax fraud and a take-over-the-world case going right now so our plate was full, thank you very much. No room for the small stuff.

Besides, Lizzie said she’d pay mucho dollars to get the goods on her boss. And when we have the evidence of fraud, we’ll turn it over to the government. They pay handsome rewards for stuff like that.

I’m hoping it’s enough so Matt and I can take the big vacation we always talk about—or rather, I talk about. He just listens, occasionally grunts, and nods.

And then there’s the whole saving the world thing. That’s gonna be icing on the cake. I mean, we’re talking about a mad scientist, not a rocket scientist, how serious could it be?

The Pinto’s four cylinders chugged and the fan belt whined and squeaked as I stared through the streaky windshield at the gates. Along the tops of the steel bars were images of hissing gargoyles and a grinning fairy with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. Not the most inviting thing I’d ever seen, but not the worst either.

These weren’t like those hideous smiling clowns of Slashing, Montana. I shivered. That’s an image I’d rather forget, but never can.

"There’s an intercom," Matt said, with a nod of his head at the stone wall next to the gates. I squinted into the darkness. Sure enough, through the shimmering rain I saw a square black pad with an oval-shaped, lemon-yellow button affixed to the wall about knee high from the ground.

"Oh, you’ve got to be kidding." This Zero is a chip off the old woodpile. The button being where it is means he’s a little person, too. It seems in the Zero family all the fruit hangs close to the ground. "Not too far to fall, I guess," I muttered.

"What?" said Matt.

"Nothing. It’s a joke."

He nodded, his face hard as steel. "You gonna get us in?"

I had flipped a coin on the drive here to determine who would get out if there were a gate. I lost. I looked down at my expensive leather boots, then at the muddy road, then at Matt. I think he knew there’d be a gate.

I swung the car door open, then pulled my plastic raincoat over my head and ran to the wall. Mud squished underfoot and the smells of the surrounding fir and pine trees and the musty rain filled my senses.

Before I pressed the intercom button, I noticed what looked like a coin slot on the panel, something I hadn’t noticed from the car. Odd. Never seen a coin slot on an intercom before. I shrugged and pressed the button.

I waited while rainwater dripped off my coat all around me, and shuffled my feet so my precious leather boots wouldn’t sink any deeper into the sucking mud. After what seemed like forever, a gravel-crunching voice came over the intercom.

"Yeah?"

I’d practiced various pitches all the way here. I knew Matt grew tired of listening when he started saying every one was pitch perfect, even though some were just stupid and off key.

"Hi, we’re from Publishers Habitat Sweepstakes. We have a check for Dear Occupant." I took my finger off the button.

Girl, when your wit is on, it’s really on.

There was a slight pause, then the voice said, "Mr. Occupant doesn’t wish to be disturbed. Go away."

I pressed the button again and laughed. "No, wait. Please. That was just a little sweepstakes humor we use around the office. Actually, I have a big fat check for a Mr. Tres Zero. Would Mr. Zero be at home?" Again, I released the button.

I could feel it in my bones, this was gonna work for sure.

There was another pause, only longer this time, then the voice said, "Put fifty cents in the slot and come up to the house. Greta will meet you." The tinny speaker crackled, then fell silent.

Yeah, baby you are sooo smooth.

It was then I realized I didn’t have any coins on me, and for sure not in my I’m-so-cool-I’m-tiny purse back in the car. I glanced at the slot. It didn’t look like it took bills. I looked to the car with its fading headlights and sagging suspension.

I hoped Matt had exact change.

***

We came back in two hours. Thankfully, the gas station we had passed at the bottom of the mountain was still open. The snag-toothed attendant even pumped gas for us so we could get the change we needed. Ever try to pump exactly two dollars and fifty cents’ worth of gas? It ain’t easy.

After we got back, I first buzzed the house to let them know we had returned, then slipped the coins into the slot.

I ran to the passenger’s side of the Pinto and climbed in, wincing as the tall gates slowly opened on ear-splitting hinges.

Once past the gates, the Pinto groaned and popped as it crunched over the gravel driveway. I winced as a rock pinged off the undercarriage. The car had to last another year, at least until I’ve made the final payment.

Finally, we stopped on the circular driveway in front of the two-story ink-black mansion. There were stone steps leading to a heavy oak door with a gargoyle knocker. A row of twenty-foot marble columns stood on either side of the steps holding an overhang off the sloped roof. The mansion reminded me of Scarlet O'Hara’s in Gone With the Wind crossed with the Addams Family house.

We got out and walked up the steps to the door. I was grateful for the overhang; it kept us out of the rain.

Matt tipped the edge of his fedora to let the excess rain fall off—I really love when he wears his hat; it makes him look all Sam Spade—then used the gargoyle knocker to announce us. As the echo of the thump, thump dissipated, the door began to swing aside. They must have oiled the hinges recently because it did so soundlessly.

I expected the interior to be as gloomy as the exterior but was surprised to find a well-kept foyer with a polished wood floor, a maroon and navy Persian rug, and a rosewood side table with a matching chair beside it. On the table was an antique lamp that cast a soft glow over the woman who greeted us.

A gentle smile played across her thin lips. "Hello, Mr. Butcher and Miss Armstrong," she said, gazing at us over her reading glasses in a way reminiscent of a schoolmarm. She was short—no more than four feet eleven—with grey hair pulled into a tight bun atop her oval-shaped head. Her navy and red paisley dress ran past her knees and hung loosely on her small frame, and on her tiny feet she wore plain black slip-on shoes.

"I’m the doctor’s housemaid, Greta."

"Hello, Greta," I said, deciding in the interests of time to use the direct approach I’m best known for. "We’re here to see the doc. We hear he’s planning on taking over the world."

A puzzled frown formed on Greta’s forehead. "I’m sorry, dear, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Dr. Zero is trying to help people."

Matt interrupted before I could rebut the old lady. "Sorry, Greta, my partner gets a little carried away sometimes." He glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

Oh, I get it. Good detective, bad detective. I nodded, but scowled at him to add to the illusion I was angry. Which I actually was, but since it enhanced my role as the bad d**k, I decided to play along.

Greta smiled at Matt in that creepy, cougar-like way. I swear Matt could charm the pants off Ann Coulter on her worst day.

He continued. "We’ve come a long way to see Mr. Zero." He patted the left breast of his suit jacket. "We have the check."

"Yes, of course. I’ll take you to his laboratory." She turned and started to walk away. "Right this way."

She led us through the quiet house filled with more antique furniture and Persian rugs, the woods floors polished and gleaming. We passed a grandfather clock that chimed the half hour. The black arms on the brass face told me it was eleven thirty already.

Finally, she led us into a massive library with floor-to-ceiling shelves filled with hardcover books. I stared at the old lady. Is she kidding? The secret entrance to a mad scientist’s laboratory in the library is so old school it’s a cliché.

She walked to another door at the other end of the room, then used a brass key she withdrew from the pocket of her dress to unlock it. She swung it open and inside was the laboratory, complete with a workbench with racks of test tubes and humming machines for I-don’t-know-what, and a man who could only be Dr. Tres Zero.

His lab is on the first floor, not the dusty basement? Sometimes even I can be wrong.

As I suspected, Tres Zero was a little person with slicked, oil-black hair, a neatly trimmed goatee, and a mustache. He wore a gray vest under his white lab coat and white running shoes on his feet. To me he looked more like a miniature version of Sigmund Freud than a mad scientist, but looks can be deceiving.

"Hello," said Zero with a grin, his thumbs hooked in the pockets of his vest. A chain from a pocket watch hung across his belly between the vest pockets. "Can I have the check, please? I have a lot of work to do before midnight."

Midnight! That must be zero hour. (Come on, you know someone had to say it.)

"What happens at midnight?" asked Matt, his hazel eyes casually scanning the laboratory.

"You two and the others will be my slaves," Zero said, like he was ordering a skinny latté with a twist.

My stomach muscles tightened. We were about to take a trip on the crazy train. Good thing Matt’s the Boy Scout of our little agency. He always comes prepared.

Glancing at the old woman, I saw her begin to shape shift. The old lady gave way to a snarling, flesh-eating werewolf, and I was fresh out of werewolf biscuits.

Matt reached into his suit jacket and pulled out his .45 automatic. Without warning, he turned the gun on the old-lady-werewolf and shot her twice. Once in the chest, again in the middle of her forehead. The first shot stopped her in her tracks, the other blew out the back of her head, scattering her brains across the lab. The bullets slammed her backward and she landed hard, then shifted back to her human form. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

"Silver bullets?" I asked.

Matt shrugged. "Of course."

In the commotion, Zero ducked under the laboratory bench and disappeared into a trap door in the floor.

Suddenly gas jets lit up with blue and red flames along the perimeter of the walls. Like all mad scientists, Zero had a self-destruct-when-discovered obsession so the house and all its contents, including the evidence of fraud, was going up in flames. If we wanted to avoid going up with it, we needed to leave right now. There’d be no time to search the house.

We may have stopped Zero’s evil plan for world domination, whatever it was, but our payday was gone.

***

The next day we sat in the office with our feet on top of our desks discussing the Zero case, hoping the next client would soon darken our door.

"What do you think Zero was up to?"

Matt shrugged, then took a sip from his Mickey Mouse coffee mug. "Werewolves, I’d say."

"Werewolves?"

"Yeah, ya know, a big hairy deal."

I looked at him and his features were as serious as ever. "You know you just made a joke, right?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

I sighed. "Someday you’re gonna slip, and I’m gonna be there to laugh my butt off."