2 Love and 2Be Loved

Out From Under A Rock

The honeymoon phase was fading fast, and things in the house were becoming tense. I began worrying about s**t again, which made our relationship less fun. Mickey had no idea who I was when the party was over. I forgot how emotionally pampered I was by Gardo and started missing my life with him because it was safe. Mickey was great for everything I mentioned earlier, but by no means was he good at or even capable of helping me manage my emotions or supporting me mentally. A lot of times, I would call Gardo crying about life. He would always comfort me but could never solve any of my problems. Mickey and I started arguing quite often. He hated it when I called Gardo for emotional support because he didn’t know how to be emotionally supportive. He would either talk down to me or run away if I were anything but in a good mood. This prompted me to begin looking at my life differently. I began seeing the reality of my situation. I referred to awakenings like these, as me being bipolar as f**k. One day I’m in Lala land, and nothing matters, and the next day my head is removed from my ass, and reality beats me almost to death. Mickey wasn’t good for me. I couldn’t afford to live like this, and my kids were losing respect for me by the day, but I continued to do it anyway.

One morning after a petty argument over not having money for name-brand laundry soap, that led to me crying and telling Mickey that I couldn’t live like this anymore, his solution was suggesting we meet his favorite cousin Rosey, a manager at a pancake house in a nearby suburb. He mentioned the possibility of her getting me a job making over a hundred dollars a shift in tips. I had seen pictures of Rosey on social media. At first, I was jealous of her. She was eccentric compared to me and highly confident. She was someone I considered to be a “Bad Bitch.” I was intimidated by her confidence. Mickey often made me feel beneath women like her. I didn’t always have my nails done; the newest thing in my closet was five years old, and I have never even tried to put on fake eyelashes. I had been sheltered for ten years, raising kids and trying my hardest to be a good Christian mother and wife. Mickey called me his white girl. He would jokingly ask me if I had lived under a rock my whole life.

Meeting Rosey was gratifying. I also met her husband, Gino. He gave me a weird vibe, but I ignored it. Mickey and I showed up with a bottle of Jack that I had bought. At first, I was quiet and timid. I listened a lot more than I spoke. I had to feel the vibe. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like her because I wasn’t sure if she was going to like me. After a few shots, I was able to open up a bit. She wasn’t as intimidating as I had thought; in fact, we got along well. The more we drank, the more she talked.

Whenever Gino wasn’t in the room, she spoke about Smiley, a friend of Mickey’s who had just gotten out of jail for murder. She dated him a few years before he got sent to prison. She was unhappy with her husband and her life. She wanted excitement and passion. I completely understood. Smiley, just being released from prison, ignited her desire for him. I couldn’t blame her; Smiley was one of the sexiest men I had ever met, and Gino was not. Gino was a large man with dark features. He reminded me of a warlock. Rosey talked about her plans to meet Smiley and how she planned on cheating on Gino with him. I could only imagine what it would be like to have s*x with someone as sexy as Smiley. I was envious.

The guys left on an alcohol run. Rosey had the opportunity to express how she felt about her cousin Mickey, telling me things about him that I already knew with a willingness to compromise. She scoffed when I told her Mickey told me he loved me. She said,“ I love my cousin, but he will never change. You are no different from the rest of them”. I knew Mickey wasn’t in my life because he loved me. I knew in his eyes I was just a white girl who lived under a rock but gave him a place to stay and supported his (our) alcohol habit. I knew these things but we continued in our deleterious relationship anyway. The evening had been a success. Rosey promised me a job at the restaurant, and I left with a confidence boost that was much needed.