The Cost of Feelings

first impressions

Still on the high from her first electrical engineering session, Anita pushed open the door to their dorm room while carrying her bag over her shoulder. She kept thinking about the circuits they had covered and the excitement of being in an actual engineering classroom for the first time. Ella was the only person here who might listen, and she was dying to tell someone.

Ella was already in the room, curled up on her bed, looking at a textbook with a blank expression on her face. She had her immaculate lab coat hung over the back of her chair, but it seemed as though she had no further plans for it.

“Hey, how was your first day?” Anita asked, setting her bag down.

Ella glanced up, her face lighting up a bit at the distraction. “Oh, well… it was fine, I guess.” She shrugged, trying to sound casual, but Anita could see the tension in her friend’s shoulders.

Anita sat on her bed across from her. “Only fine? What happened?”

Ella sighed, closing her book. “It’s just… I don’t know. We had our first anatomy class today, and everyone was so into it. My lab partner, Ryan, was already talking about dissecting cadavers like it was some amazing adventure.” She grimaced. “Meanwhile, I was just trying not to pass out.”

Anita couldn’t help but smile a little. “I don’t think I’d be too thrilled with that either. Did you make it through?”

“Barely.” Ella laughed weakly. “Honestly, I was just trying not to look completely clueless. Ryan probably thinks I’m hopeless.”

Anita tilted her head, thoughtful. “So… why did you choose medicine if you’re not that into it?”

Ella sighed, biting her lip. “I didn’t really. My parents pushed me into it. They think being a doctor is the only way to make a good living.” She shrugged. “They’re expecting so much from me, you know? It’s like I owe it to them, or something.”

Anita nodded, understanding. She hadn’t come from wealth, but the expectations from her own family were just as high, just shaped by different circumstances. “I get it. My parents don’t fully understand what I’m studying either. But they expect me to get a good job and help out once I graduate. They’re putting everything on me being here.”

Ella looked at her with a mix of sympathy and curiosity. “But you actually like your course, don’t you?”

Anita’s face broke into a grin. “I do. I mean, it’s tough, and I already feel like I’m behind compared to some of the others. But today was amazing. We went over circuits, and I even got to answer a question the professor asked.” She shook her head, still feeling the thrill of it. “I never thought I’d actually feel this excited to be learning something.”

Ella’s expression softened. “I’m jealous, honestly. I can’t imagine feeling that way about medicine.”

“You don’t have to do it if it doesn’t make you happy, you know.”

Ella’s smile faded. “Maybe. But I’d have to deal with my parents’ disappointment, and I’m not ready for that fight yet.” She paused, pulling her knees up to her chest. “You’re lucky, Anita. Even with all the pressure, at least you’re doing what you love.”

Anita was about to say more when Ella shifted the conversation. “So… any friends yet? Did you talk to anyone besides your professors?”

Anita laughed. “Not really. Everyone seemed pretty focused today, and I was just trying to keep up with the lecture. But I sat next to this guy named Liam. He looked friendly, so maybe I’ll say hi next time.”

Ella smirked. “Look at you, already finding potential friends. Or maybe more than friends?”

Anita rolled her eyes, chuckling. “It’s not like that. I barely know him. What about you? How’s Ryan?”

“Oh, he’s nice,” Ella said, her tone a bit lighter. “Really into anatomy, clearly. But he didn’t make me feel stupid for being a bit squeamish, which was a relief.” She hesitated, as if choosing her words carefully. “He told me his dad’s a surgeon, so he’s grown up around all this medical stuff. I guess that makes it easier for him.”

Anita nodded. “It sounds like he’s good to work with, at least. Maybe he’ll make the class more bearable.”

Ella shrugged, a small smile playing on her lips. “Maybe. He did offer to go over stuff with me if I needed help. He seems genuine, like he actually wants me to succeed.”

“That’s a good start,” Anita said. “It’s easier when you don’t feel like you’re in it alone.”

Ella looked at her, a hint of gratitude in her eyes. “Thanks, Anita. I think I needed to hear that.” She paused, looking a little more relaxed. “I’m just glad I’ve got a roommate who gets it. Who knows, maybe we’ll figure all of this out together.”

Anita smiled. “I’d like that.” She felt a sense of relief, knowing that even in this big, overwhelming place, she had a friend to lean on. “Here’s to surviving our first week.”

Ella chuckled. “Here’s to making it through med school without fainting.”

They both laughed, their worries easing, if only for a moment.