DERAILED AND DAMAGED

Chapter 3 - 4: LOSS OF CONTROl

Dr Kath opened the door before I even knocked twice, her brows knitting in concern.

“Ash. Is everything okay? Did Kayden find out? Did you lose control?”

“No!” I snapped, my voice too sharp. “He can’t ever find out or everything is ruined.”

“Relax, I was only asking.” She stepped aside, ushering me in.

“What’s wrong?”

I pressed my palms into my temples. “I don’t know.

“The dreams are coming back-and they‘re worse. I had another episode this morning—Kayden was terrified.” My voice cracked. “I need more medication. Increase the dose.”

“No.” Her tone was firm. “I won’t, Ash. You’re destroying yourself.”

“My life is already destroyed! I screamed, my hands lashing out, sending a mug and the TV remote crashing against the wall.

“Diana, stop! She shouted back. “Calm down!”

Her voice pierced the haze of rage, pulling me out of my madness just enough to meet her eyes.

“If this gets out of hand,” she said, her tone steadier now, “you won’t just lose your husband and kids—you’ll lose everything. Your whole façade will crumble. Do you want that?”

Her words cut deeper than the scars on my chest. I clenched my fists, trembling thinking of life without Kayden and the kids then whispered, “Fine.

What do you suggest?”

“We do this my way,” she said firmly. I’ll increase the dosage slightly, but you must follow my prescription exactly. Don’t you dare take more than I allow.”

I swallowed my pride, my voice dropping to a mutter.

“Fine.”

“That’s better.” She softened, but her gaze lingered on me with something like pity. “Ash…. Is all of this worth it? The drugs, the lies, the pain?”

“Yes.” I met her stare, unflinching. “They’re worth it.”

“I hope so,” she whispered.”You're right.”

“Then remember this’” she said quietly. “ The day Kayden finds out, I wouldn't be able to save you.”

I froze.

I didn't respond. I just walked out, my chest tight, knowing one truth with absolute certainty-

I was running out of time.

I stood, ready to leave, but the weight of her question followed me out the door like a shadow I couldn’t shake.

On the drive home, memories clawed their way back, uninvited. The first time I met Kayden replayed in my mind with cruel clarity.

I had been losing control again. The pain and anger came in waves so strong I couldn’t stop myself. It was like fire racing through my veins, begging me to destroy everything in sight. My vision blurred, my body trembling, my eyes burning until the world itself seemed to shift colour.

I was gone. Lost in the rage.

And then- his hand.

Warm. Steady. Holding mine.

“Miss…. Calm down. I’m here with you.”

His voice was calm, low, unshaken. I wanted to pull away, to snarl, and to lash out. But when I looked up, I saw his smile. Gentle. Unafraid.

The pain and storm inside me faltered. For the first time, the opposite s*x’s touch didn’t ignite my fury–it smothered it. His presence steadied me in a way nothing else ever had.

In that instant, I knew.

He was the one.

The anchor in my chaos.

The man I would never let go of, even if it meant burning in hell together.

And I swore to myself: I would do anything to keep my secret safe.

When I got home, I went straight to see Mari-My almost one-year-old baby with Kayden.

She lay in her crib, soft as a cloud. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Her breath a slow rhythm that went straight to my soul. She was so perfect. Fragile. I was terrified I might lose control and hurt her. Sometimes it was hard to believe she was mine–a little bunny who looked nothing like me.

I was so happy watching her grow up and knowingly: Her face was all Kayden-same eyes, same stubborn but kind mouth. But those eyes…. when they caught the light just right, they looked like mine.

That scares the s**t out of me than anything.

I reached down and touched her hand.

“I’m going to protect you and your sis,” I whispered.

“You’ll never be like me. Weak. Fragile. I’ll make sure of that.”

My thumb tightened around her small arm without realizing it. The pressure grew. My hand shaking as something ugly and very familiar rose inside me.

Mari’s eyes widened.

She whimpered—softly at first, then louder.

Her little face twisted in fear.

“Mari–oh God–”

I let go immediately. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

Tears blurred my vision as I backed away from the crib.

Nanny Mendela rushed in, scooping Mari into her arms.

JASON “Ma’am,” she said gently, though her voice trembled,

“I’ll take care of her. You need to rest. She’s so agitated– and so are you.”

I couldn’t argue.

I turned and stumbled out of the room, pressing my shaking hands to my chest. The echo of Mari’s cry burned in my ears long after the doors closed after me.

I drove straight to Dr Kath’s house again. My mind was a storm, every thought clawing at the next.

I knocked until my knuckles ached.

There was no answer.

I tried again.

Nothing.

Her phone rang endlessly on the other end. No pickup.

That wasn’t like her.

Anxiety twisted in my chest. My stomach tightened.

What if they found her?

What if something had happened to her?

What if she’d been taken—because of me?

I was just about to leave and grab the spare key when the door creaked open on its own.

“Dr Kath?” I called softly, stepping inside.

Relief washed over me.

And then I froze.

She was there–in flesh–very much alive–locked in a heated kiss with a man who looked like he’d just walked out of a warzone oblivious to my panic.

“Oh. How nice,” I said flatly, crossing. “Here I was, worrying myself sick to stupor about your safety, and you’re in here having the time of your life.”

Great. Just great.

A hot spike of anger. “Katherine!” I hissed.

“Next time you want a fling with a guy who looks like he came from a war zone, be a little more observant.”

The man turned, eyes narrowing. He was tall, rough, built like a soldier. His stare was sharp enough to cut through me.

He didn’t say a word.

But did he just smirk at me?

“Go on,” I hissed. “Say something. Or better yet, whistle again like you just did.”

The man’s face tightened—he had the look of someone ready to fight. But he walked out after kissing Dr Kath on the cheek. Then gave me a haughty look.

I swallowed my own impulse to strike.

“Katherine!” I snapped when she stepped into the room.

She shoved me lightly, voice tightly. “That was very harsh–you don’t even know him.”

“I don’t care,” I shot back. “I don’t like him. And for the record, my gut’s never wrong. There’s something about him-familiar. Off.”

She blinked, hurt flashing across her face. “You’re unbelievable. For your information, I like him,” she admitted, voice sudden and soft. “I don’t know why, but I feel…alive. The old me before the accident-the crazy girl with the knuckle rings and piercings.”

I don’t want to be Dr Kath all the time.

Her voice cracked as tears spilled down her cheeks.

I groaned. “Kath, please, stop crying. Even Mari doesn’t cry this much." She stung at my mockery and then oddly, stopped. The moment was small and stupid and human-and for a fraction of a second I almost wanted to be better.

She sniffled, glaring. "Did you just compare me to your twelve-month-old daughter? That’s disgusting."

I smirked despite myself.

"Now tell me--what are you doing here again? Didn't you just leave a few hours ago? Miss me that much?" she asked.

"Gross," I muttered. "Don’t flatter yourself. I came because something happened."

"I lost control again," I admitted. "Mari....I hurt her.

Not badly, but—she got scared. I didn't mean to. I just ..." My voice faltered. "I couldn’t stop."

Maybe I bruised her arm." Fear laced my words.

Oh my God, Diana," Kath's voice trembled. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine now—she freaked out. She didn't expect that from me. "Nanny took her. But Kath, I can't keep doing this."

"Sometimes I get the feeling she likes Kayden more than she likes me. Sometimes she even pulls away when I touch her—maybe she can sense that I’m not who I pretend to be. Children are perceptive aren't they?" I said.

What are you talking about Diana?

"You're her mother. She can feel your love and your pain," Kath said.

"You need real help," she said firmly." "There’s a professor who specializes in your condition. He might be able to treat you."

My heart leapt for a second-hope, fragile and fleeting-until she added, "But no one knows where he is. He vanished months ago."

The hope died as quickly as it came. "Then it's just me," I said quietly. "Just me fighting myself."

The truth settled cold: the help I needed might not exist.

Kath reached out, but I stepped back.

"And stop calling me Diana," I said sharply, "If someone hears you, what will you say?"

Her eyes widened. "Sorry. You're right, Ash. I forgot."

The silence that followed was thick, heavy with the weight of all the things we couldn't say.

By the time I left Kath’s house, my nerves were frayed. The drive home felt endless, the road stretching like a dark ribbon under the weight of my thoughts.

The clock on the dashboard glowed red.

Too red.

Too late.

My chest tightened as I read the number again, hoping I'd imagined it. Hoping the numbers would change if I stared long enough.

They didn't.

When I pulled into the driveway, the house lights were already on. Then it hit me like a punch to the chest.

“Oh God…. Cassie.”

I'd forgotten her.

Not late.

Not delayed.

Forgotten.

CHAPTER 3B

My heart dropped. I glanced at the clock: well past pickup time. How could I have-? No. That wasn't me. I didn't forget things. Not important things.

Images crashed into my mind all at once–Cassie standing alone by the school gate, her small hands clutching her bag, her eyes searching every passing car. Cassie crying. Cassie scared. Cassie thinking I abandoned her.

What kind of Mother forgets her child?

I spun towards the car, fumbling with the keys, when I collided with someone solid.

"Babe," Kayden said, steadying me with his hands.

His smile was warm, but tired. “Hi. You okay?"

"I---" My throat tightened. "I forgot to pick up Cassie,"

He shook his head, still calm. “I already brought her home. I was worried, so I picked her up," he said.

Don't worry about it. You needed rest."

Relief hit me so hard it nearly brought me to tears.

"Thank you,” I breathed.

He studied my face." You look pale. Did something happen?"

There was no anger in his voice; only concern.

"No," I lied automatically. “Just... went for a drive.

Needed to clear my head."

He didn't believe me-I could see it in his eyes-but he let it go. That was one of the many reasons I loved him: he knew when to push and when to step back.

"Come inside" he said gently. "Dinner's warming on the cooker. Cassie's already asleep. Mari was being fussy. I guess she is asleep too now.

I nodded and followed him in. The smell of rice and stew filled the air-comforting, grounding.

Kayden reached out and brushed a loose strand of hair from my face. "You sure you're alright?"

I forced a small smile. "I am now.”

But as I leaned into his touch, guilt twisted deep in my stomach. I wanted to tell him everything and I couldn't. The lie felt heavier with every breath.

The truth was-I wasn't fine. Not even close. He just whispered “everything’s going to be okay, love.”

Waking up the next day in Kayden’s arms had its own spark because I was feeling better after a warm night of passion. But I woke up sore and weak; but I guessed that actually brought me out of my shell for a while.

I guess he woke up early because I couldn’t even find him in bed.

looking across the room, he wasn’t there. I moved to his side of his bed and I could still smell his cologne on the pillow.

I was still feeling grumpy when my phone rang and like always it’s Dr kath.

"Are you someone the devil sent to frustrate me, I said?"

"Don’t tell me you called to tell me about your handsome boyfriend?"

Did he tell you, it was just a one night stand, I mocked her.

"Ash, its not time for jokes, she slured her words

"Okay, that was weird of her. Kate, I can't hear you. Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Can you please get to the point, i don't understand what you are saying."

"Ash, your nanny is dead," she said whispering

I'm sorry, I don't know how but I think they found her at home- dead, no traces of foul play." she was still saying, "Ash, are you okay, should I come over when I cut the call.

My nanny couldn't be dead right? She was alive two months ago, hale and hearty. I felt so heartbroken and so sad , Tears blurred my vision, I tried to stop myself from crying. I didn't know when a lone tear came out of my eye.

I was still thinking when I heard Kayden opening the door.

Cas, is mom awake, I could hear him asking.

No, Dad, let her rest more, I feel like she has been down a lot. I do hope you are not the one stressing her though, I could hear her say that sterningly.

Okay, my princess has talked. How dare dad not listen to her and Mom's fine, just that she's been busy in the past and that made her tired. Mom's fine, don't worry," he comforted her.

My sweet pie, I so much love her, I said in my heart. I quickly tidied myself up so as for him not to find out about what happened.

I feel like he has really been patient with me a lot without complaining.

I could hear Kayden desperately walking slowly not to wake me up.

Hon, I called. Why didn't you wake me up? I asked as I sat up

He came to the bed side and hugged me kissing my forehead "good morning."

If I do that, your daughter will have my head.i dare not.

Good morning hon, I said too as a message popped on my phone.

"Western burial site" at 8:00 am, a friend told me.

Hon, what's that is on your hand,?” I asked Kayden noticing he was holding an envelope.

“It's a real serious case,” he said. Hon– trust me you don't want to see this.

I need to shower, he said, " I'm all sweaty and dirty. He said as he disappeared into the bathroom

Curiosity got the best of me.

There was just something about this case he mentioned that was drawing me to it. I quickly opened a page and it was so gruesome. I quickly took pictures of all the pages.

I will check this later. I'm going to make sure that I entered my Nanny's burial.

What excuse could I give Kayden– one he could not refute?

Then it occured to me.

" My parents calling me telling me they want to see me.

" That's the perfect excuse.