Am I Enough

The Explanation

Chapter 7

Dahlia

That night, as I climbed into my bed and buried my head into my pillow, I sobbed, I felt a sharp pain in my chest; I truly felt broken. I knew Saint was troubled, but I didn't think he was heartless, considering the way he defended me when we had first met. I continued to cry till the early hours until I let exhaustion take over.

9:00 am *Ring* *Ring* *Ring* I woke up to the shrill sound of my phone ringing at top volume, lifting myself to an upright position. I picked up my phone and looked at the caller's id and it read unknown, so I cautiously answered.

Dahlia: “Hello, who is this?.....Hello”

Saint: “Dahlia, please don't hang up. I just want to talk...Please?”

Dahlia: “Saint? How the hell did you get my phone number? Actually, you know what f**k that is; I told you to leave me alone.”

Saint: “I know, but I need to explain okay. Please, 10 minutes and at the end of it, if you still want nothing to do with me, then I will respect that…..Just please?”

Dahlia: “Fine 10 minutes. Go!”

Saint: “ Okay, so like I said, I have a somewhat unsavory life. My family and I moved here because it was this or I went to juvie.

(I audibly gasp)

Dahlia: “Juvie? What for?”

Saint: “ D**g dealing and possession. I met you and instantly felt this strong urge to protect you, and when we kissed I started feeling something stronger. But I can't drag you into my life, just because I love it doesn't mean anyone else will; let alone YOU. Anyway, when you told me to stay away from you I struggled, watching you get on with life while I watched it was hard.”

(I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.)

Saint: “Then when I saw you at the party hanging off of Louis’s arm it irked me and I couldn't control my anger. I didn't mean what I said, Dahlia, I really didn't. And when Louis told me he was only being kind to you so he could try it on with you, I wanted to kill him and with all the C**e in my system I saw red”.

Dahlia: “Right, well you're 10 minutes up Saint. Thank you for the apology and the explanation. You are right, I want nothing to do with you or your “lifestyle”, so I hope it's worth it; Goodbye”.

Saint: “I'm Sorry”

Dahlia: “Yeah….so am i”

I hung up. I couldn't hear any more; it was heartbreaking, not just because I was the laughing stock of the school, but because listening to him tell me he is at his happiest, hurting and damaging his body, I just couldn't. I couldn't get mixed up in all of it. I will admit I feel something deep inside me for him, but I have more sense than that to put myself at risk of some stupid feelings. It's better to move on and forget I ever met him.

I haven't successfully thought about Saint or anything that has happened to me since I started school. I just didn't leave my room as a result of it. I couldn't face my mum; so, I locked myself away and I painted. I needed to start on my portfolio for my art exam, anyway, and painting always made me feel at peace. I was in the zone taking big strokes of blood red paint all over the canvas and swiping shades of black on there as well, a knock at my door broke me out of my trance Mum: “Dahlia, you haven't left this room all day. You haven't eaten; I'm worried dear.” she said, scuttling into my room, sadness plaguing her face. Mum: “Do you need to talk to me about anything?” she dug some more. If I didn't get her out of my room now I’d burst into tears and I couldn't show my mum how broken I was right now. She already has enough on her plate. I said: “I'm fine Mum, I broke up with Noah and school is, you know…..school”. Another wave of worry hit my mother's face and I internally sighed Dahlia: “Look mum, I'm fine. I really am; I need to finish my work. Please can I be alone now?” Mum: “Okay dear, but I am here to remember that.” She shuffles out and shuts my door. I immediately burst into tears and sank to my floor.

I just wanted to disappear, this year was supposed to be mine and it slipped from my grasp so quickly. I needed to forget and, as if the gods were listening, I got a notification from the school's chat forum saying there was another party at the same place again tonight. Usually not my thing, but I was going. I'd spent a good three hours doing my hair and makeup, I'd gone for a dark smokey eye with glossy red lips. Opting for my hair in a messy bun with the lost hair curled (like Pam Anderson). Wearing a long mesh sleeve top over a black bra with some high-waisted ripped skinny jeans and my platform boots to finish it off. I took one more look in my mirror before I grabbed my phone and house keys and basically sprinted out of the house. Jumping into my car, it was only a 20 minute drive, but I needed to give myself a pep talk before I arrived; before I knew it, I had stopped outside the already trashed house (it was only half 9). With a deep breath, I stepped out of the car and I immediately had eyes on me as I slowly walked to the door. I don't know why but it felt good; I felt good knowing that I was here to let loose and have fun.

Walking in the house was filled with smoke and people drinking and doing god knows what Louis: “DAHLIA!! I was hoping you would come. So can I get you a drink?” Dahlia: “No thank you, I'm capable of getting my own. Now, PissOff!” I shouted at him over the music, pushing past him toward the kitchen. I rummaged in the kitchen till I found a beer, opening it with my teeth. I tipped the bottle back and downed the entire thing. I then looked to my left to find a bottle of vodka surrounded by a few shot glasses. I sat and contemplated taking a shot, but instead, I impulsively pick the vodka bottle up and walked out of the kitchen and to the living room, where I found a rather large chair in the corner.