Changing Positions (Brooks Haven Bears 3)

Chapter 6 - Holding

Hans

I’m not drunk. Who gets drunk over a cup of beer? My mind is still clear, and the grumpiness I feel may have to do with Enzo taking his job way too seriously. He’s acting as if she’s his girl when he’s only supposed to come with her to the party as friends.

Emily’s too innocent to know what’s going on. She doesn’t know that people’s eyes automatically veered towards her when she entered the room. Few people have that kind of effect, and I know it’s not just my bias talking.

“Hey, you alright?” Stacey asks, as she wiggles on my lap. If she thinks I’m turned on by her PDA, I’m not. It reminds me just how I hate girls who treat love and s*x as some kind of joke.

“I’m okay,” I lie, while shooting daggers at my friends Ed and Enzo, who seem amused that I’m with Stacey. Logically, I can’t blame them. I was supposed to be here to hook up with somebody. I told myself to get out of Emily’s way, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. With Enzo’s hands on her waist and the two of them looking cozy together, I’m ready to be called a nuisance in her life — again.

“Where are you going?” Stacey whines, as I gently get her off my lap.

I meet Enzo’s eyes, and I see something that I don’t like. He likes Emily, and he’s surprised that he is. Meanwhile, I’ve always known I like her way too much, but I’m not even allowed to make a move, and she only thinks of me as a brother except for that one time.

The memory descends on me. It was one of those nights when I followed Emily like a goddamn stalker. I just had a feeling that something was wrong. She sneaked out of her house, not long after I left it. I was still in my car when her Uber arrived. Lance and Jason were still inside, not realizing that she had slipped out.

I followed her into her favorite coffee shop, Brix’s, which opens until midnight. She carried a messenger bag with her, which made me think she was there to study. I can still remember my alarm when I saw a man nod at her when she was entering the shop. I thought she was on a date with some college guy while she was still in high school, and was relieved when I realized she wasn’t. She seemed so serene there, with her book opened in front of her and her long brown hair sleek down her back. The hanging bulbs in the coffee shop, dim and moody, added to the sense of peace. She had laid out a few things next to her textbook, and I could imagine what they were: highlighter, pen, pencil, and sticker tabs.

The relief didn’t last long when I could see her looking agitated. The clear glass walls of Brix’s made it easy for me to see her, how she flipped through her textbook so fast and how she was smiling at some guy sitting at the table across from her. I felt a chill when the man sat next to her and she flipped her hair. Her movements became a little seductive, and alarm bells rang in my head.

How could someone so quiet and reserved suddenly flip a switch? I ran toward the coffee shop entrance, tapped the guy’s shoulder, and nodded at Emily. It was a good thing that he took the cue quickly, getting up and returning to his seat. For a moment, annoyance flashed across her beautiful face. Then something there shifted. She smiled at me, and it made me feel weak.

“I’m not even studying anymore, and my coffee’s gone. You want to take yours to go?” That was her. It made my heart palpitate as I wondered if it was my lucky night. Maybe Emily felt the same way.

“Okay. I’ll take you home. They probably realized by now that you’ve left.”

“Alrighty,” she said, putting her hand in mine.

I was giddy. I was ready to fight Lance and Jason. If only she would give me a sign that she wanted me, too. She was only seventeen, but I could wait. I wasn’t much older than she was at nineteen and would never rush her into anything.

The kiss still shocked me. We were standing next to my car, and suddenly her soft lips were on mine. It was inexperienced but enthusiastic. Just when I was about to pull her closer to me, she pushed me gently.

“So damn sorry! Hans. It’s you. I – “

The words woke me up from my delusion. Of course, she would never choose me. I knew then that there was something dangerously up with her that night. I tried to cover up my hurt with a stupid joke.

“Yeah, I know. If it were somebody else, you would have not stopped attacking.”

Then, she begged me to forget everything. I was angry at her. At myself. In the end, I blamed myself for what happened. I was older and wiser. When I saw her flirting with the man in the coffee shop, I should have known something was wrong. I just told myself that it was fortunate that I was there for her, or she would have gotten herself into a lot of trouble.

Like the trouble she’s stirring now, dancing with a guy with so much more experience than her. The vibe she carries has attracted two guys, and they looked lie they were ready to fight for her, except Dylan’s already drunk.

I know what’s up now, though. She’s off her meds, just like she was on that night that she kissed me. At least I know when to stop her. If she kisses any of these other guys, who knows what might happen?

Emily tells me I’m not supposed to act like this. Like what? Like my heart is being torn into pieces to see her dancing with another guy? Devastated that she’s suffering in secret?

“Leave me alone, Hans.”

“No.”

Emily thinks I’m drunk, but I’m just furious. She doesn’t deserve to feel like this. She was born with this inherited condition and it’s clouding her judgment even without alcohol.

When she pushes me, though, I don’t expect it. The beer has more effect on me than I expected. She runs away and I follow. There’s no way I’m letting her out of my sight, knowing that she can’t drive and is off-kilter.

“Emily!” I call. She’s fast and already out of the Greens’ gate. Snow is now lightly falling, and she doesn’t have a coat with her. She startles when she hears her name, her phone almost falling to the ground. She’s not expecting me to follow her.

“Hans?” The way she says my name makes me see how uncertain she is. While I know she’s acting differently, she also thinks I’m acting strange.

“I’m not drunk,” I say, raising both hands as if in surrender. “I’ll take you home.”

“Blom?”

Fuck. It looks like Enzo also followed her. Or me. Or both of us. I turn to him and see the concern in his dark eyes. He glances from me to Emily, and back again, as if trying to assess the situation. There’s a tension between us that has never been there in the two years that we have been friends and the three years we have been teammates.

“Torres, I’m fine. I barely drank anything. You know that I don’t really drink.”

“Yeah. But you told me -.”

Again, his eyes flick to hers. I check her wide eyes, and I know that we all know what Enzo is not saying. Enzo’s asking if he should take Emily home since I called him last night to do it. Go with her. Leave with her. I’m supposed to be trying to get laid with Stacey Green. I’m supposed to be forgetting Emily Park.

“I don’t need either of you,” Emily spits out her displeasure.

“You should have told me, Blom,” Enzo says, as he eyes Emily again. The sadness in his voice tells me a lot of things. He’s thinking he has a chance with Emily, but my feelings are now out there in the open. Emily watches the two of us, eyes even widening from the mania or from realizing that the two of us are still talking about her with only a few words. I know she hates that. She hates it when Lance and Justin talk about her right in front of her face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell Enzo, who shakes his head.

“If you can’t do anything about it, don’t stop me when I do,” he warns before he turns on his heel to go back to the party. I feel terrible. After dropping the pass to him, I’m now almost holding him physically–away from the girl who has quickly become our goal. I remember how he’s expressed his crush on her a couple of times before, but has never made a move until I f*****g told him to bring her to the party. I’m the asshole here.

“What was that all about?” Ems asks, folding her arms across her chest. She backs away from me, but I’m now taking off my jacket to put around her shoulders. The flurries of snow around us make her look like an angel in a snow globe.

“If you want to talk, let’s talk in my car. It’s cold out here.”

She hesitates, but doesn’t evade my eyes. She remembers. Of course she does.

“I will do nothing you don’t want me to do, Emily. I hope that by now, you know that,” I say gently, giving her the space she needs.

“Yeah, I know that, Hans.”

There seems to be a war inside her, one I wish I can help her with. She licks her lips and suddenly chuckles.

“What is it?” I ask, taking her hand gently so that we can get the hell out of here.

“I went to a party all of five minutes and now I’m out the door without even having drank or eaten anything.”

“There’s still time to change that.”

“Really?”

We walk faster to my car. I like how she’s less than half a foot shorter than I am. She doesn’t have to stumble after me. Then again, Stacey’s her height and she didn’t do anything for me, even with all her grinding.

“Do you want me to take you to get a pizza?” I ask as soon as we were warm and buckled inside my car.

“Sure. Yeah.”

Emily looks out the window, probably wondering why I’m such a stupid bastard.

“Why did you skip your meds?” I ask. This time, my voice isn’t angry. I don’t want to scare her off.

“I want to feel things,” she says, and I think that my heart has literally skipped a beat.

“Did your doctor say you can stop your medication?”

“You know she didn’t. I know you do. You’ve always known me so well, Hans.”

I disagree. When she kissed me about a year ago, I thought she liked me the way I liked her. But it was all wishful thinking on my part.

“Talk to me as a friend, Emily. Are you bipolar?”

Her breath hitches, and I hear a half-repressed sob escape her lips. It’s hurting me now just as it does her.

“It’s a mild form, Hans. Cyclothymic disorder. It still means I have a mental disorder, though.”

“You’ll be fine,” I reassure her while reassuring myself, too. “But you need to take your meds again. I’ll come with you to your doctor. She can wean you off, but it has to be gradual.”

“Yes, Dr. Blom,” she says, but there’s humor in it, not annoyance.

“Well, you should obey, Miss Park.”

She chuckles, and we are quiet for a little while. As we approach the pizza place, a thought occurs to me.

“Do you like Enzo, Ems?”

“W-what? What kind of question is that? I–I mean, yes. Maybe if he weren’t your minion, it could have been something.”

Her answer is honest, and her behavior isn’t erratic. I should be relieved. But no matter how many times I hold off other people from her, it’s her decision that matters and it may just destroy me completely.

“What about Stacey? Are you bringing her to Lance’s party?” she asks, raising a brow at me.

“Maybe. If she would have me after I left her behind tonight.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry, Hans. You don’t need to babysit me all the time, you know. I’ll go to Dr. Chen tomorrow. Promise.”

“No. I’m not into her, you know. I’m just feeling the pressure of people wanting to see me with a girl.”

I’m telling her too much, I know, but I can’t help it. The only thing I can’t tell her is that I like her too much for my own good.