YOU WILL BE MY BANE

DARK DAYS

Awolowo's bar feels like a crematorium. I know that it is the middle of June but the heat is unbearable.

Tope is talking, smiling, tugging her hair adorably and rolling her eyes. All telltale signs that a girl is into someone.

Poor girl, if only she knew that you have come into my heart and taken over the entire place. You have left no room for another.

You look at me again as the chubby girl who has been giving you lap dances all night begin to whisper words into your ear. I get jealous but my nether regions get excited as you stare at me again.

Why do you look at me every second? Are you scared that I might tattle on you? Perhaps I might tell someone? Oh Yemi, I'd take our secret to my grave.

I touch Precious Cole's phone again and I remind myself that this might not only be our secret, there might be a third party.

And in the name of all that is good, who are the girls flocking around you? Lord knows that they are not our coworkers.

"So, My dad actually taught me how to shoot. I know that it sounds unbelievable, me being a girl and all, but he did. He actually did"

Tope says and I nod. She begins another story about her mother's Ghanaian friend who was mistaken for an Hausa man during the sharia crisis.

I nod with each tale. I wish I can pay attention to what she is saying and read her haptics better because I am sure she is dropping clues for me to pick up on and make a move on, but I can't. I'm hopelessly in love with another person...You.

She occasionally touches my palms during her demonstrative tales and I nod as if I can hear and understand everything she is saying.

My mind is too messed up, I am thinking about you, about Precious Cole and about this person that texted her.

'Big bro?' as in big brother or big cousin or big uncle? which one?.

Should I tell you? will it destroy you further? oh Lord, this is too much, I just met you a week ago.

"Oh, I'm parched. Let me get refills. I will be back. You need to hear the punchline" Tope says and saunters off towards the bar.

Punchline? I didn't even realize that she was telling a joke.

As soon as Tope leaves, you stand and walk towards me. The girls try to follow you but you tell them to wait for you.

They are reluctant to wait. They want to be with you. What do they see in you? Oh wait, right, I see that too.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" You ask me in a baritone voice that sounds more of a sad tone than actual concern.

"I'm fine" I tell you.

"I'm sorry for this, I'm sorry I put you in this position. I promise I won't ask you to do things like that again" you say and take my hand in yours and a shiver runs down my spine.

I begin to salivate. I fight the urge to look into your eyes. I bow my head to avoid that Medusa gaze. I am sweating like a pig.

I begin to count the even numbers in my head. 2, 4, 6, 9, 11...... Wait, that's not right.

I pull my hand away and nod. I try to look for Tope, perhaps she is coming back but we lock eyes; You and I.

You look into my eyes and you speak from your heart. "Please, keep this to yourself. Your best friend has a best friend. This is Nigeria. There is no redemption here." You say and I nod.

I look into your eyes, the sadness gets intense, your eyes look like black bottomless cisterns continually filled with gallons and gallons of regret. My heart melts, I imagine holding you in my arms and telling you comforting words.

"Are you going home with her tonight? I mean Tope?" You ask me.

Are you jealous? Do you want to invite me to your house?

"I don't know, I think so" I say, baiting you to see if you are really jealous.

"That's great. That's good. She will say that she was with you all night in case of any problem and I will go home with these girls. They will say we spent the entire night together, it won't be easy but it has to be done" you say with a straight face and I nod.

Poor you, all these girls want you and are willing to go to third base with you. Life must be so hard being so attractive.

You stand up and you look at me, "Thanks for your resourcefulness tonight man. You are a gem. Maybe when things die down, you will regale me with the tale of how you spotted that camera" you tell me with regret lingering on the edge of your eyes. I see disgust written all over your face.

I know that you are not disgusted with me, you are disgusted with yourself. You think yourself a child molester.

I go home with Tope, she shares a two bedroom apartment with Ifunanya from finance.

I have always known that it is not advisable to get romantically involved with a coworker but tonight is an exception. An exception I have to make for you.

We begin kissing each other intensely the moment she unlocks the door and we enter the living room. It is like a scene straight out of a Hollywood romantic 'hoe' comedy. A 'Hoemedy'.

We kiss from the dimly lit living room to her slightly smaller but posh bedroom.

She unbuckles my belt greedily and pulls it out.

Twap! The metal belt falls to the foot of the dresser and she drops to her knees. I close my eyes as I swim in untold ecstasy.

I imagine she's you, your perfect lips singing my song. Obeying every rhythm and rhyme. I grab her head and draw her up to my chest.

She looks into my eyes, I recognize the look. It is the look a hungry predator gives a cornered prey.

I grab her neck and kiss her ears. Her throat hums and thrums, releasing low guttural sounds.

I imagine her bra is your speckled tank top and I tear it off, her rotund breasts stare at me like two freed prisoners who have been cooped up too long and have finally regained their freedom. I push her to the bed and drop to my knees.

I imagine her perfect stomach is your perfect abs. I trace my tongue from her left areolar to her belly button and a moan escapes her frothy throat.

A warm sweat pools up in her belly button. I taste the unholy water and the demon in me is unleashed.

We make love into the night as our bodies twirl like a toddler caught in an epileptic fit. All the while I think about you and by morning, I realize just how much hold you have over me and you don't even know it.

It is six in the morning when Tope wakes me from sleep and asks me to go. She thanks me for an amazing night and then proceeds to tell me that an Uber is already waiting for me downstairs.

She is in high spirits, she kisses my nose and tells me that I have a gift below my belt and I shouldn't be stingy with it. She tells me to keep our night a secret and to answer whenever she calls.

Turns out I am the hoe here Yemi.

The walk of shame back home or should I say, the ride of shame takes longer than I want.

I get home and Aunty Ifeoma asks me where I slept. I ignore her. I go to my room, take a quick shower and dress up in my blue suit. I bring out Precious Cole's phone and stare at it for a while.

I remove the 'sim-card' and stash the phone inside my black sneakers.

"I'm just asking because your uncle was angry last night Ollie. You can't go out without telling anyone where you went to. This is Lagos, it is a dangerous city"

Aunty Ifeoma raves and I nod. I tell her that I went to help a sick friend. She says she understands and I leave.

I can't wait to see you again. The thought of calling you runs through my mind but I ignore it. Maybe you are already at work and you are busy with a case or two.

I get to work and I look into your office, empty. I go to Barrister Wale's office. He gives me a file to prep for court on Tuesday and you are not here.

I come back to my cubicle and look at your desk again, you are still not here.

The day ends and you are no where to be found. At night I think of calling your cooperate line but I drop the call before it connects.

Sunday is dull and uneventful. I go to church with Aunty Ifeoma and their teenage son. The priest talks about crime and punishment. I think he is talking directly to me. I panic and I think about what you are doing right now and where you are.

Monday comes and I go to work eagerly longing to see you but you are not here again. I steal transitory glances at your glass office until the day ends but you are nowhere to be found.

Tope acts as if nothing happened between us. She acts professionally with a mix of cooperate seduction, as is common with her.

Where are you Yemi? Are you okay? Do you hate me for helping you bury Precious Cole? Should I have convinced you to do the right thing? Should I have convinced you to call the cops?

But the right thing will take you away from me, the right thing will make me lose you. And I don't want to lose you.

Tuesday comes and we go to court, you are still not here. Among the audience in the court, I can swear that I see a face that looks like Precious Cole, the glaring black expression and the pale body. I close my eyes and say the grace.

As Barrister Wale introduces our case, I stare at the Judge and wonder what he will say if I am ever charged with aiding and abetting. My heart begins to beat faster and I begin to perspire.

Where are you Yemi? I really hope you don't do anything that will implicate the both of us. You don't bury a body with someone and then ghost them, no pun intended Yemi.

You don't share such an intimate moment with someone and then scorn them. Where are you? I..I miss you.

Wednesday comes and you are not here.

Thursday.

Friday.

Saturday, you come in but very late. You walk pass me and then turn back, no, you stagger back. You reek of alcohol. How basic!

"Hey, Nate, sorry I haven't called you in a while. I took a sick leave. Can we see this afternoon during lunch break?" You ask me and I nod. You walk away. You don't even realize that it is lunch break.

Are you alright?, What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to help? I haven't buried a body with anyone before. I don't know what to expect.

I look back at your desk and I don't see you. I search for your car at the parking lot after work and neither you nor your car is anywhere in sight.

Monday comes and you come in again reeking of alcohol.

Tuesday.

Wednesday.

Thursday.

Friday.

Saturday.

One week. The office gossip ignites like a faulty gas stove. The rumors that Berry caught you cheating on her with a Ghanaian model spreads like wildlife through out the office.

Many believe that you fear that she might dump you so you drown your sorrows in alcohol.

"I heard it was two Ghanaian models" I overhear Tope and Larry talk.

You fall deeper into the rabbit hole. You sink deeper into the quicksand of regret and self loathing and I helplessly watch, not knowing what to do to help.

Three weeks.

Monday.

Thursday.

Saturday and the office gossip spreads like an uncontrolled wildfire . Everyone is convinced that Berry has broken up with you and that has left your heart shattered beyond repair.

You don't go to court anymore. Barrister Wale doesn't give you cases to handle again. Larry takes most of your cases and you spend most of your time in the bathroom, drinking or peeing, hard to tell but leaves little to imagination.

Raised voices emanate from your office on Monday morning, your father's and yours.

Tope and others tune their ears towards your office. Your father looks angry as he storms out of your office.

Closing hour comes and you nod at me as you cross my desk. I look into your eyes and I see unspoken pain and sadness. I rush after you and I meet you in your car at the parking lot.

You have a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand. I knock on your window and you open it. The once lavender fragrance in your car is now replaced by the stale odor of dried sweat and expensive alcohol.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" I ask you.

"I'm a pedophile. I am a murderer and I corrupt people" you say ruefully.

"It doesn't seem to me like Precious needed any more corrupting considering what I saw in that video. Which I think should be destroyed now since it's now considered child p**n" I say.

"I didn't corrupt her. I corrupted you. I'm a horrible person. Which is probably why my two best friends are outside the country and want nothing to do with me" you say.

Your two best friends? who? those hunks with you in the photo inside your office?.

"Did you tell them?" I ask you and you wave your head.

"I don't know much about being good or evil but seeing you this past month torn and broken up by that girl's death has shown me just how much you regret everything. It's now blatantly obvious that you didn't know her age" I tell you.

"I should have known. I should have better judgment. I am a lawyer for God's sake, I should be able to see things others have missed" you tell me, you are crying now.

"Stop punishing yourself. Look to the future, take this as a lesson. Don't let it ruin your future" I tell you.

"Okay, okay. I hear you" you tell me and you try to drive away.

"You are drunk man. You should not drink and drive" I tell you.

"Wait, let me order an Uber for you" I tell you and you nod. You sit on the hood of your car with the tip of your tie flown to your left shoulder.

You take occasional sips from the colorless fluid in your hand.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I offer, then I realize just how creepy that might sound. Does it sound creepy or caring?

Your Uber comes and you thank me and it drives off. I stand there and look at the departing car. I wish I can take you in my arms and tell you that everything will be alright.

I wish I can lie to you like that. Everything will not be alright Yemi, no one buries a body at sea and gets away with it. Sooner or later, our comeuppance is coming and I pray that karma is lenient to those who are hopelessly in love.

I go to work the next day and you are not here yet.

I go to Barrister Wale's office to pick up a file and prep for court and he is talking with a detective.

"Welcome Nate, this is Detective Awolabi. He is a friend of the firm" Barrister Wale says.

"Good day sir" I greet him and I try to avoid his gaze. A police man is the last person I need near me right now.

"Detective Awolabi, this is Nathaniel, he is one of our freshest employees, he's smart too" Barrister Wale boasts and the burly detective shakes me. His sweaty palms envelope mine for a moment and he gives me that hard eye to eye detective gaze. I swallow hard and look away.

He looks at Barrister Wale and speaks Yoruba. Barrister Wale replies and he walks away.

What is happening? Were you arrested? did you confess?

"Detective Awolabi helps us often times with confusing clients". Barrister Wale says and I nod.

"The files are on the second cabinet" Barrister Wale tells me and I go for them.

"Your Mentor, Yemi" Barrister Wale begins.

"What about him sir?" I ask.

"Did something happen? I mean have you noticed anything out of the ordinary that could have contributed to his recent change in behavior?" Barrister Wale asks.

"None that I know of, sir. I'm sure that he will soon be out of his shell, whatever the cause" I reply and take the file.

"Okay, I hope he doesn't destroy his life like his stupid Uncle Brutus" Barrister Wale mutters to himself. I excuse myself and leave.

"Foolish Brutus that we gave everything and he became a total disappointment" I hear Barrister Wale wail as I head for the elevator.

It has been five minutes, twelve hours, six days and four weeks since I helped you throw Precious Cole's remains into the Atlantic ocean.

You are a shadow of your old self now. Each day that passes brings out more pain and anguish in your eyes.

Work without you is like a vivacious village that was once bubbling with life but is now washed over by a dry cold wind, turning everything to a dark and gloomy scene from a horror movie.

Winter is not coming to Winterfell, winter is here already.

The hallways look like a green hill which has been turned into a centuries old haunted graveyard.

You are a few steps away from me yet you have never seem so far away. Here I am, battling my conscience which has become a dark and unrelenting master, and there you are; falling deeper into self pity and drinking yourself to an early grave.

I thought that I was helping you when we threw that body into the Ocean but now, I think I might have done more harm than good. We could have reported it to the police, we could have argued it out in court. This is Wale, Nuru and Ejiofor. We have the best lawyers here.

Often times, the worst harm comes from the best intentions.

I look at your office and you are not here yet.

I rest my head on my desk and make up my mind to tell your father the whole truth by the end of the day. You will hate me but you will live, or will it drive you deeper into depression?

The elevator door dings and I look towards it. The door opens and a few people step out, the door is still open and you step out.

You look different, you look wonderful, you look like you. You catch my gaze and your lips draw up in a knowing smile. I cherish the smile. My heart skips a beat as I fear that the smile is too fragile that it might break.

You walk towards me and shake me. I breathe in your cologne and a surge of warm buttery feeling shoot through my entire body.

You are back.

"Good morning" I tell you and you nod.

"It's a nice morning Nate" you reply with another smile and my heart beats faster. Boy, you are about to give me a heart attack.

"Something looks different" I say and you nod.

"Thanks so much. You are right. It's not about what I've done in the past, it's about what I will do in the future that matters. You are the man, we should hang out during lunch break. That's in four hours" you tell me and look at your golden Arabian watch.

You enter your office and sit behind your desk. I look at you and my eye catches yours. You smile and wave, I wave back.

Lunch with you? Is that code for a date?. Do you want me like I want you? Am I getting ahead of myself again? I know that I should be used to you by now but every time I see you it seems as if I'm seeing you for the first time and those first emotions are triggered.

My heart over beats with Joy and hope as I think about lunch with you. I hum as I go through the case we have for court this thursday. I am totally on top of the world. I look at your office again and we make eye contact, you smile and nod and I do the same. I haven't been this happy in weeks. I know that it is toxic to place my happiness in someone but when you are that someone, I don't mind.

The elevator dings again and the doors slide open. Out pops Berry in her pink Scrubs. She walks towards me like a graceful asian goddess who has decided to grace humanity with her presence today.

"Hy Nate, aww you are so cute. You are like a tall Boss baby. I like your suit" she says and touches my nose.

I should hate her, Yemi. She's my competition. I should hate Berry but I can't. It's physically and psychologically impossible to do so. She is like a little baby warming her way into the hearts of those who set eyes on her.

"Welcome Berry" I say and she touches my nose again and calls me adorable.

What's her deal with my nose and why do I want her to touch it again? God!

She struts effortlessly towards your office. Your face lights up with immeasurable happiness as you see her.

You have never looked at me the way you are looking at her now and I don't think anyone has ever looked at me like that too.

Tope and a few other lawyers stand up and look above their cubicles towards your office as Berry enters it. You hug and kiss her. She sits and you start to talk with her.

I die a little on the inside. I am a fool to think that burying a body with you is enough to get you to notice me. I'm usually smarter than this. I am, Yemi.

Maybe, love leaves people senseless and my God, you have no idea just how senselessly in love, I am with you, Yemi.