YOU WILL BE MY BANE

FIRST SIGHT

A.

My childhood was a breeze. College flew past like a movie on fast-forward. Even my days at law school seemed like a blip before my eyes, but time stood still the first time I set eyes on you in the boardroom of Wale, Nuru and Ejiofor Law firm.

I have always known that something was different about me. There was incontrovertible proof that I wouldn't rate 0 on the Kinsey scale. I had once kissed a guy in college during a truth or dare game with my friends and their girlfriends.

Of course, I and the boy both acted repulsed after the act but deep within, I knew I kind of liked the kiss; the hot breath of the boy on my face, the thorny brushes of his beard on my child-like smooth face and the way the boy's lips straddled mine.

It was a feeling I hadn't felt before then and didn't feel again until I set eyes on you.

It was my first day at the law firm; fresh from law school with a bright future ahead. My father had already picked out a beautiful Christian girl for me to meet this Christmas. Sarah, she even has a good Christian name. I had been counting the days until Christmas to meet my beautiful betrothed. My life was on a straight track. Everything was moving smoothly, until I resumed work this morning and laid eyes on you for the first time.

Your irises are as red as crimson with deep soulful pupils. Your lips are as fleshy as a neonate's buttocks and your skin is as black as the night. Your nose is shaped like that of Orlando Bloom and if not for your muscles, I would have mistaken you for an Elf from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Who are you? Is this your first day here too? What are you doing here? Are you a staff here? These are the questions that are echoing in my mind as you walk through the glass door with your black Italian suit and your shiny oxford black shoe.

I look at the four other men sitting in the room; their eyes are all on the hot finance chick that entered with you. The three women who sit across from me are all gawking thirstily at your biceps as you open the door for Miss Goody two shoes to enter. I can feel the girl sitting closer to me undressing you with her eyes. I lend her an eye.

"Welcome Yemi, the mail sent out to everyone said the meeting would start by 9AM, you are fifteen minutes late!" Barrister Wale barks angrily.

Yemi? That is your name? Yemi? I echo the name severally in my head.

"I'm sorry Sir; I had a meeting with Miss Ifunanya from Finance. I was helping her fix the Ugonna accounts" You say in a baritone voice that sends shivers down my spine. What is happening to me?

Where did these feelings come from?

I look at Miss Goody two shoes; she draws up a chair and sits down opposite Barrister Wale. She has a satisfied look on her face. What exactly were you helping her with? Orgasms?

"You are not an accountant Yemi, you are a lawyer. Act like it. Draw up a chair, this meeting is already far gone and we haven't done anything tangible yet" Barrister Wale quips in an even angrier tone.

You sit across from me. You don’t look at me. You look at Miss Goody two shoes and she looks at you too. You both make eye contact and she smiles and you chuckle mischievously and my heart beat faster. Who are you Yemi? Why am I feeling this way?

"Okay, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted" Barrister Wale begins as he gives you a dark look.

"This is Nathaniel Olileanya Obioma. He is joining our team today. Make him feel at home." Barrister Wale says and points at me. Everyone looks at me; I can see a familiar look on the faces of the ladies. A look they had when you entered the room. They desire me.

"Nathaniel graduated summa c*m laude from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka and was one of the best students that passed the bar last year" Barrister Wale continues. I blush as all eyes in the room are now on me.

All eyes, except yours. Your eyes are fixed on the file in front of you as you flip through them lazily. You seem bored, like you have a better place to be.

"We only go for the best and we are glad to have him here at Nuru, Wale and Ejiofor" Barrister Wale says with a sense of pride as a round of applause erupts across the room.

Everyone claps, everyone but you. You only look up and glance at me. I recognize the look immediately. It is a look that says “Can we get this over with already?". But you looked at me, that is all that matters.

"As is the norm here Nathaniel, because you are still green, you will be paired with an older lawyer who will not only mentor you but will help you understand what we stand for, here. Yemi, you will take Nathaniel here under your wing...."

"Okay sir, it will be my pleasure" you say with a smile. My heartbeat increases as I look at your smiley face. It is the nicest thing I have seen today. An innocent look of kindness sprinkled with a dash of daring indifference

B.

"Okay, where were we with the Coker case?" Barrister Wale continues.

"Sir, I think we should ask him to take the plea. All the evidence is stacked against him. If he confesses, the judge might consider his honesty and see it as remorse and reduce his sentencing" A tall black man sitting at the extreme says.

"No, Ayo, it's not too late. We have the best minds here. We have to think of something else. We can't give up that easily" Barrister Wale replies in a voice laced with frustration.

"What if we give the court another suspect?" You say and everyone looks at you immediately.

"Who would that be?" A fair man with a bushy beard asks.

"The wife" I say and everyone looks at me. You look at me and your left lips curve up in a smile. Perhaps you are amused by my foolish boldness.

"You are just starting today Nathaniel. I don't think you know the case that well to chip in" a dark skinned lady in a red pantsuit says.

"Oh, but I do. I think everyone in the whole country has heard about the case and knows about it. I saw the file on Mister Bawun's desk when I came to sign my employment contract last week. I think the wife is involved in this case and it is not in a good way" I say boldly.

You look at me and blink slowly.

"Tell us why you think the wife did it" Barrister Wale urges.

"This is a picture of Mr. Coker's wife and Miss Agbomma" I say and cast an old picture on the large screen television in the conference room.

"How long ago was this taken?" Barrister Wale asks, getting interested.

"Twelve years ago" you say and look at me. I nod. "Go on, you got this" you whisper to me with a smile. My heart melts. I had thought that you would be angry that I hijacked your idea but here you are, urging me to go on. Again, who are you?

"I pulled this picture from Miss Agbomma's old Twitter account. She probably doesn't have access to the account anymore that's why she hasn't deleted the picture and the account doesn't bear her real name" I continue.

"But this doesn't prove anything. Miss Agbomma's lawyer could argue that Miss Agbomma was just a family friend who Mr. Coker took advantage of" The lady in the red pantsuit says.

"No, Miss Agbomma said that she has never met the Coker family until last year when she was employed there to work as the chef. If it can be proven that she knew Mrs Coker before last year, it would question everything she has ever said and besides she would have committed perjury" You say and everyone sitting around the table nods in agreement.

"This is great. Yemi find the connection between Miss Agbomma and Mrs Coker. Go to her village, her house here in Lagos, anywhere. Just find out what connects them. It could be secondary school, primary school, boyfriend or anything. If we can prove that they know each other way before she started working there, then perhaps we can make Mrs Coker here the enemy and people will love Mr Coker again, pity him even" Barrister Wale says and you nod.

New issues are raised and discussed.

I am so lost in thought that by the time the meeting is over, I can only hear the noise the door makes as people leave and a few of them throw some congratulations to me for being useful on my first day.

Everyone has left, except You and Miss Goody two shoes who is packing up the files on the table. It seems like she doubles as your father's secretary too.

"So, Nathaniel right?" You ask me and dim your eyes in a manner that makes me wonder if it habitual.

"Yeah. Nathaniel" I say and keep quiet. I have learnt the hard way that one mustn't talk too much in front of one's crush. Else they are bound to look stupid. And stupid is the last thing I want to be in your eyes. Gosh! Those beautiful eyes! Medusa would be jealous!.

"Nathaniel is too long, may I call you Nate?" You ask and I nod with a smile.

The last person that called me Nate brutally ripped my heart out but I am not going to tell you that. You can call me anything you want.

"Good, can you come with me please? I kind of need your help with something" You say and walk out of the board room. Miss goody two shoes stands up and looks at me. "He seems nice, doesn't he?" She asks.

"Yeah, seems so. Warm and friendly too" I say shrugging.

She smiles warily; "You should be careful, the sun is warm but get too close and it will burn you" She says and walks out of the room like a cat in heat.

What is that supposed to mean? Is she jealous? Maybe she is jealous that I have such a rapport with you. Do we have that much chemistry? Maybe she can see the chemistry we have and she is jealous of us.

I am still mulling her words over when I run into you in the corridor. "Where have you been? I have been looking for you" you say.

"I...I was..." I stutter. Damn your eyes Yemi. Damn them.

"Come with me" you say and like a man under a spell, I obey. We walk past a few cubicles and head down the long hall

"Come on Nate, walk faster!" You say as you look back at me.

This isn't the way to the elevator. Where are we going to, Yemi?

People greet you as we pass offices.

Men have this longing looks on their faces, I can see it, they wish they were you and women have this familiar look. It is a look I see on my face each time we cross a glass door or I stare into the mirror; it is the look of desperation. You seem so popular; everyone knows your name and wants you to see them as they greet you.

"We are here" you say.

Yes here, bathroom here. What are we doing in a bathroom? Did you bring me here to make me wash the toilets? Aren't there cleaners for that? Or are you trying to haze me? This isn't university.

You open the stalls and check, no one is there. "Good, they are all busy with work. We need to do this fast before they finish taking their coffees. Obiora in client affairs has a tiny bladder" you say.

Do what? Wait; do you feel what I feel? Are you like me? Torn between up and down, male and female? Are you...gay? Am I gay? Do straight people occasionally get fascinated by people from the same s*x? So fascinated that they wish to taste the lips of the objects of their fascination?

"Look, I need your help. I can't help it. I just have to ask. You seem like a nice person" you say and look directly into my eyes, every defense I have put up, crumbles. I have never let anyone know that I have these dark urges. My father calls them the callings of the abominable outcasts.

At least that was what he said of the little boys who were caught fondling each other at night by the security guard near the grave yard.

I was scarred that day, the things that were done to those boys to make sure they don't ever feel the need to touch each other again. I never wanted to feel such shame. Hiding out in grave yards just to be with a person I love. So I hid my darkest inclinations after I shared a truth or dare kiss with that boy and I worked hard to build myself up.

I had hoped these dark callings were an isolated emotion and would die a natural death if not indulged but fate has a cruel sense of humor. Fate is a dark master who enjoys the suffering of her slaves.

A slave I am, to my own darkness, to my insecurities and now, to you.

Immediately I saw you walk through that door back in the conference room, every suppressed emotion rose to the fore front. And now I am here in the bathroom with you. What exactly are you asking me to do here, Yemi?

"Can you hear me?" You ask.

"What? What did you say?" I ask snapping out of my thoughts.

"I'm sure I kept that rubber somewhere around here" you say and begin to scurry around the restroom.

Rubber? Condom? Oh no. Are we doing this? Isn't this a little rushed?

In the office? On my first day? Would that be professional? Should I tell you that this is my first time and therefore should be in a place that is not reeking of antiseptics mixed with dried urine? I have a lot of questions but I can only mutter;

"I haven't done this before" I manage.

You stop canvassing the stalls and come to me. You place your hands on my shoulders and look into my eyes. "Calm down Nate. I promise, it won't affect you badly. No one will know. Okay?" You say and I nod, helplessly and hopelessly taken in by your charm.

My nether regions engorge and I can't breathe. I should tell you no, we can't do this. What will happen if someone enters and catches us? This is Nigeria and homosexuality is a crime punishable by up to fourteen years in prison. It is written in the same s*x prohibition act, article...article...gosh! I can't think straight.

I begin to shake. What if small bladder Obiora enters the restroom right now? Good lord! What will my father say? Abomination! Taboo! I can almost hear him scream the words as I am locked up in prison where ironically I will get r***d too. Good lord! Why was I born? Why is fate this cruel? Why didn't a bus hit me on my way to work today?

You are calm, canvassing the restroom looking for your "rubber". It seems you get a kick from public i*********e. I can't move, I can't think.

"What if someone enters?" I ask.

"Don't worry man. Everyone on this floor is busy with work now and even if anyone enters, I'm sure that they will understand" you say and resume your search for the elusive "rubber".

‘Everyone on this floor will understand?’ Understand how exactly? Good lord! Is that the reason why they stared at me as we walked to this place together? Is that what Miss Goody two shoes meant with her "the sun is the enemy" analogy? Am I to be your b***h? Well, at least, you are going to use ‘rubber’.

"Found it" you say enthusiastically. "Come on bud, we don't have time. Pick a stall" you say, looking at me expectantly.

"Em....sorry. okay. The second one?" I garble.

"Okay, take this" you said and hand me a small white plastic rubber with a red topper.

"I need just a little urine, please. I did coke with my friends few weeks ago and totaled my car. Since then my dad has placed me on a mandatory urine test every Monday morning for the next eight weeks. A guy can't enjoy his weekend in peace again" you grumble.

Wait, you wanted just pee? Damn it! What is wrong with me?

I have seen a movie like this before. A gay guy confusing a bathroom moment with his straight friend for a quick blow! Yes I have seen a film like this before. f**k! It didn't end well for the gay guy. Wait, since when did I start addressing myself as gay? I am not gay. And did you say your father?

"Who is your father?" I manage to ask.

You look at me weirdly, "You don't know who I am?" You ask.

"No I don't but I know that your name is Yemi" I blurt out immediately. You look at me again and shake your head.

"Barrister Wale is my father. Don't mind his soft nature. He is a fairytale monster waiting to be slain. Now please help a brother" you say and throw the rubber to me. I swallow hard and nod as I catch the rubber. I enter the stall and close it.

I close my eyes and imagine what would have happened if you had understood how badly I had misread the situation.

The look of disappointment on Barrister Wale's face when you tell him about it; "I had such high hopes for you boy. Who knew that you would be such a filthy disappointment".

I can almost see my father's face. "So this is why you came to Lagos? To get AIDS, syphilis and Hepatitis?".

"Here it is" I say and hand you the rubber with a tiny urine sitting closer to the bottom.

"You are a life saver man. Come on, let's go. We have a lady to stalk. Wait for me by the Black Lexus 350 at the parking lot. I will be there in five minutes. I just have to give this to my father's assistant" You say and dash out of the restroom. I stand there and look at my image in the mirror.

My lips look chapped and my immaculate shirt is not tucked in properly. My black skin shine with the lights above.

My Afro looks messy. I look into the mirror. I can hear my ex's voice. "You are a good person Nathan, but I feel like you are not giving me the whole of you. This can't work. I want someone who yearns for me the way I yearn for him".

Maybe what I feel for you is what she wanted. Why couldn't I have felt that for her? The world would have been a much better place. My life would have been much better and simpler.

C.

I wait by your car for fifteen minutes and you dash out of the exit door and into the parking lot.

"I'm sorry man. My dad and his issues, ugh! Come on, get in" you say sounding exasperated as you unlock the car.

I get in and the smell of the car makes me want you more than I already do. You are meticulous. Everything is in its place.

"Can you drive?" You ask.

"No, not really" I lie.

"Why?" You ask with an incredulous look on your face as you drive out of the parking lot.

"Never had the chance. My father doesn't have a car" I lie again.

"Well, we will have to remedy that" you say.

"Remedy What?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

"Teach you how to drive of course" you say as you speed down the Lekki express way.

"Okay. That's cool." I say and wear my seat belt. You look at me and smile. I know that you are impressed with me for doing that and I love the fact that I impress you. I want to impress you; I want to make you happy. I desperately want you to want me, so I yearn to do things that impress you.

"So this Agbomma chick lives in Ajah Town right?" You ask.

"Yes" I say as I bring over her files from the backseat and begin to peruse through them.

Silence lingers for a while, an uncomfortable silence prolongs. You occasionally look at me and give me that disarming smile and I smile back compulsively. You drum your fingers on the steering. Are you as anxious as I am? No, you can’t be. You seem as confident as ever.

The bulge on your biceps as you weave the steering from side to side dislodges my attention each time I try to concentrate on the case file. It is as if your arms are calling out to me. Who wears such tight fitting shirts to work anyway? I look at the back seat, your black suit and your Barrister gown are hung in different hangers to the roof of the car. Your Barrister's wig lay on the backseat with the white flocks flowing freely. I can't take the silence anymore.

"Why doesn’t your father hire PI's to investigate clients? It will make the work easier" I venture.

"Who says we don't have PIs? We do. But they are all tied up at the moment. Besides we can do this ourselves, it should be fun" You say and drive into a compound with tall tiled buildings. "Are we there yet?" I ask.

"No. We are going to Ajah, this is Victoria Island Nate. I just want to meet someone. It won't take a minute" you say and just then a light tap comes on your window. You wind your glass down and there stands probably the prettiest girl I have ever seen in all my life.

"You're late" she says as her neck length blond wig bobs from side to side. She looks like a female spy from those movies my roommate binged on back in law school.

"That seems to be going around today. You booked it?" You ask her.

"Yeah I did. Who is that?" She asks, looking at me. She blows her gum and a large pink ball forms and bursts, propelling spit and fragments of gum towards me.

"That's Nate. My new partner" you say and I blush.

"Nate, this is Berry, Berry, Nate"

"Hi Berry" I say in my usual sing-song voice.

"Hi love. He's cute. Is he coming to play with us?" Berry asks and blows another pink ball with her gum

You look at me for a few seconds and then wave your head.

"Nah, he's not coming. Come on let's go. Nate, we will be back in 20. I promise" you say and leave with Berry.

I am alone. You leave me alone barely five hours I met you and you have already left me for another woman. But who can compete with a woman like Berry. I am a man. I have nothing that you would want except my urine but you have everything that I want. And what did Berry mean by "Is he coming to play with us?"

How dirty are you Yemi? How wild can you get? Threesome wild? Foursome? Coke and threesomes? Good Lord! You are bad for me, boy.

I look at the little hole under the dashboard, your red and black Gucci wallet is staring at me. I pick it up and bring out your Voter's card. No, I won't do this. I drop it and I focus on the Agbomma's file.

But your wallet calls to me again. This strong urge to know who you are, to know you more, overwhelms me. Who are you and why do you trust me so much as to leave your wallet with me in the car? You just met me.

I pull out your Voter's card and read your full name; Adeyemi Douglas Adewale Olanrewaju. I bring out my phone and google your name. So many articles about your father and you;

‘Wizkid wins Cowbell Math’s competition again’ ‘Yemi Dougie graduates with first class like his two older brothers from the University of Manchester, mother extremely happy’ ‘Yemi Dougie passes Bar exams in flying colors’.

I exit the article, too much adulation. I need to know the real you. I click on a little autobiography of your father a blogger wrote a few years ago. Apparently you are the last of three boys. Your mother wishes she had a daughter. She thought you would be a girl but you came out a boy. I exit the article and check your f*******:. I scroll through the pictures where your mom dressed you like a girl and I must say, you'd make a fine drag queen.

You look cute.

You commented underneath, "Gosh mom, you are embarrassing me. These pictures were meant for your eyes only" but your mother had replied, "I'm your mother, it is my job to embarrass you". Other people comment too but their comments sound thirsty.

It is exactly two hours and ten minutes later when you enter the car smelling like cheap soap and Irish cream liqueur.

"I'm sorry man. I lost track of time" you apologize. I don't say anything.

"Ajah right?" You ask and I nod.

"Berry said hi" you say and I nod again and you drive off.

"I'm sorry man. I didn't mean to keep you waiting. It was really bad of me to have done that. I owe you one" you say and I nod.

I can't stay mad at you Yemi. I can't, even if I try. I have always been with people my whole life who would wrong me and wouldn't apologize, but not you. You understand how it feels to be let down.

You understand what it means to be trustworthy and I fall harder for you.

We didn't drive very far when we notice a crowd; in the center are two boys, naked and bloody. You park by the side of the road like other motorists.

"What happened?" You ask one fat man standing near a black Venza.

"f*****g homos. They were caught fondling with each other. I swear this people are what is wrong with this country. Maybe they are the reason why God has refused to answer our prayers" the fat man says.

I can hear him breathe like a train on the verge of derailing.

I look at you and you look angry, furious even. You are educated; of course you'd be mad they'd behave this way to two adults having consensual s*x. Maybe you'd intervene.

A man from the crowd picks up a large bamboo stick and hits one of the boys on his head and he falls forward. Blood flows freely from his head. "You want to f**k man right? You must f**k him today" A burly man in the crowd says and the crowd begins to force the boys to have s*x while they thrash their naked bodies with cow whips.

I look at you, hoping that you will save these boys' lives. You turn to me.

"Nate, let's go. I thought it was something deserving my attention. f*****g homos" You say and enter the car. Did I hear you well? Maybe you just said that so that the fat man wouldn't judge you.

As I enter the car, I can hear the blood curdling cries of the naked boys. I can almost hear my father's voice, "yes, this is the judgment befitting those abominable outcasts. Strip them and beat the devil out of them".

You are now speeding down towards Ajah town; angry and focused with a morbid frown on your handsome face.

"You...you hate gays?" I ask.

"Hate gays? Hate doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for those fools. If I had a bioweapon, I would target their defective brain waves and I'd wipe them off the face of the Earth, f*****g homos!" You say and bite your lips in agitation.

"That's good" I agree. "f*****g homos" I add.

"I think the government is not doing enough to rid us of these disgusting men. That's why I have to move up the ladder and become a lawmaker someday. I will make sure I push the death penalty for everyone caught in such act, nonsense!"

You rave and the look of warmth that once dominated your beautiful face dissolves and a dark vengeful look takes over. Your palms are firmly wrapped around the steering; tiny beads of sweat run down your face.

How can fate be this cruel? My father was right; we are drawn to things that kill us, Samson to Delilah, Eve to the Snake, Romeo and Juliet to love and me to you. I know that you might be my bane but the more I think about it, the more I crave you.

Here I am, me; A 24 year old gay lawyer in the most homophobic city in the world with the most homophobic laws and irrevocably in love with you. You; a homophobic Lawyer with a personal vendetta against homosexuals. What could possibly go wrong?