Selfish

Chapter Two - The Party

Ch 2 – Jimmy

            I hadn’t been sent to find her. I’d been coming back from a party. Today was my last day as a junior, and our class had celebrated with the annual bonfire. There’d been drinking, and although I was known to partake (especially with Drew), I had been designated driver for the night and had just finished my last drop—the girl, Izzy had just graduated. She was eighteen and had done her fair share with the boys in my class. Earlier that night, even, she’d landed a sloppy kiss on my mouth when she was looking for her friend. The taste of rum on her lips had tasted sweet, and I welcomed the kiss, although I should have pushed her away. I knew she was drunk.

            I was still thinking about her kiss when I saw Lizard on the side of the road. I had known she was coming, but I hadn’t remembered when. She was unmistakable, even in the dark of the night. It was early June, and although technically school had let out for summer, the night air was still cool after sun set. I should have offered her my jacket.

            I thought of her big, scared eyes when I’d approached her. She’d obviously been crying. And her defiance—walking in the wrong direction—it made me chuckle aloud, although I was alone in my room, now well past midnight. I couldn’t sleep.

            Deciding to go out for a walk, I crawled out of bed and grabbed the pack of cigarettes from my night stand. I was sure Aunt Kathy knew I had them, but she’d never said anything about it. Slipping on a pair of boots and the jacket I’d been wearing earlier, I carefully slipped out the bedroom door, latching it quietly behind me. It wasn’t the first time I’d left in the night.

            When I reached the bottom of the stairs and reached for the door, I heard her voice.

            “Where are you going?” Lizard was sitting upright on the couch, her hair pulled up into a messy knot high on her head. She was so quiet, but in the silence of the house, I heard her clearly.

            “Um… out,” I answered vaguely.

            “I’m coming with you.” She scrambled up from her seat and pulled on her own pair of boots. Much more practical that the shoes I’d seen her in earlier.

            Before I could think of a good excuse to leave her behind, she was beside me, looking up with those wide eyes.

            Letting out another low chuckle, I opened the door, motioning her ahead of me.

            Already, I knew this would be an interesting summer.

            Outside, I could see her in the porch light. She was facing into the darkness, her back toward me. She crossed her arms to brave against the cold. You don’t get second chances twice, so I quickly shrugged the jacket from my back and placed it gently around her shoulders.

            She twisted back to look at me, a wild look in her eyes and a wide smile spreading across her face. Had she always had a dimple there?

            I was grateful for the dim light. I didn’t want her to catch me blushing, so I dug in my pocket and pulled out two cigarettes, lighting mine quickly, and holding the other out to her in offer.

            She seemed to c**k her head to the side ever so slightly before looking me in the eyes and snatching it. I reached to light her cigarette and watched as her eyelashes bowed to look at the glowing tip.

Once lit, she took a long, hard drag, closing her eyes as if to savor the smoke in her mouth. Immediately, her eyes shot open and she lurched forward, thrown into a loud coughing fit, doubling over as I grabbed her arm and ran with her toward the tree line.

“Jeez, Lizard. Have you never smoked before? You’re gonna get us caught!” I was trying to keep my voice down, but was unable to maintain a whisper.

She lowered her eyes again. She would be the death of me.

“Well, no, but...” I watched as she fiddled with the cigarette which was still lit in her hand.

Running a hand through my hair, I thought about what the right thing to do would be. Should I take it from her? Or should I let her make her own decisions? She’s not just some kid. She’d need someone to show her around and I didn’t trust anyone else to do it.

I must have been taking a while to decide, because I noticed her eyes shifting between me and the ground, never settling for too long on any one thing.

Laughing again, I took both our cigarettes and pushed them into the dirt with my heel. I grabbed her hand and pulled her through the trees to the creek behind the house. It laid perfectly between Keith’s property and the house which laid behind it--the house I’d lived in until last year. It was now unoccupied, and technically belonged to the bank. There was talk of an auction, but it seemed to be just talk so far.

Diverting my attention back to Liz, I slowed my pace when we got near the creek bed. I looked down at our hands, still holding each other tightly. Quickly dropping my hand from hers, I sat on the root of one of the trees and motioned for her to come sit beside me. I’d left her the much cleaner and more comfortable seat—a tree stump which stood about a foot from the ground. I remembered having cut that tree two summers earlier. It had fallen and split during a heavy storm, and Keith and Aunt Kathy had asked my dad to clean it up so Emily couldn’t hurt herself. Dad had taken me with him to “show me the ropes” but he ended up exhausting himself quickly, and I finished the job as he sat and recovered. I couldn’t remember when he’d started getting so tired.

I turned to look at the creek. It was dark, but my eyes were easily adjusted, and I could see the moonlight shining off the rippling water.

“We can talk here,” I gave her permission. I’d noticed her open her mouth to speak out of the corner of my eye. She jumped at the sound of my voice.

She seemed nervous. I thought maybe she expected that I was going out to meet people and that the night would be more exciting.

“About what?” Sheepishly turning her head to the creek, I knew she was avoiding the topic of her arrival, and the events that had unfolded since then.

Shrugging, I decided to give her a break. “What’ve you been up to for the last ten years?” Why did I have to be so awkward?

She giggled and started to dig her boots into the dirt in front of her. “I don’t know, what have you been up to?”

At least I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to say.

After a few minutes of awkward small talk, I noticed her speaking more freely. She started to laugh at my jokes and her body didn’t sit as stiffly. After we’d both laughed at something she’d said, we both fell quiet again, and her face tightened again, her eyebrows furrowing as she seemed to focus on a random spot in the water.

“You okay, Lizard?” I pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, and she sighed heavily, looking more tired than I realized.

“I’m sorry,” I looked down. “I don’t have to call you that anymore.”

“No, it’s not that.” She c****d her head to the side and looked at me. God, her eyes were so big. She pushed her lips together and looked away again. “Why do you call me that anyway?”

“You don’t remember?” I was met with a blank stare. Running my hands through my hair again, I started quickly. “When we were little, like, I dunno, really little. We used to hunt for salamanders right along here,” I pointed along the creek bed. “We called them lizards, but, you know, they were salamanders. But you loved them so much and we would try to take them home.” I chuckled, remembering when Liz’s mom had marched us both down to the creek, our little salamanders in clear plastic water cups were climbing to get out. She demanded we release them, and Liz had cried. “You were always Lizard,” I finished.

She furrowed her eyebrows, still fixating on the creek.

I ruffled her hair, pulling some of it out of the band that held it together, “Hey, if you wanted another nickname, all you had to do was ask,” I tried to lighten the mood.

She pulled away from my hand, but now she was smiling and went to punch my arm. I moved out of the way and her momentum had pulled her off balance. She threatened to fall into the cold ground, so I quickly turned back and grabbed her. We both couldn’t help but to laugh now.

“Maybe ‘Clutz,’” I suggested between breaths.

When we’d caught our breath, she agreed to come back inside with me, tiptoeing through the doorway. The lights were still off and the house still quiet, I sighed in relief that they hadn’t gone searching for her again. I didn’t think I’d get away with the kidnapping.

She’d already slipped off my jacket and put it into my arms. Before I could start up the stairs, I felt her warm lips on my cheek, gone as quickly as they’d come.

I looked down at her in surprise. With her arms behind her and her eyes down at the ground, she rocked back and forth on her heels.

“Thank you,” she whispered before running over to the couch and collapsed her weight onto its cushions.

Chuckling once more, I shook my head as I made my way upstairs.

This would definitely be an interesting summer.

--xx--

Drew and I had been friends since the seventh grade, when we'd been partnered for a school project. I couldn't remember what it'd been for--there'd been many projects since then.

I lost track of all the stupid things we had done together: all the days we'd skipped school or snuck into the movies to impress a girl. I remembered how supportive he'd been when my dad got sick, and that he didn't make me talk about it when he had died.

I'd missed the funeral. I planned to go, but when walking up to the cemetery, I saw everyone gathered and ran in the opposite direction. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him there, looking so small in death from the cancer.

I’d ended up, instead, at Drew's place. We got high and invited some girls over, played spin the bottle and tried not to think about it. When someone asked why I was so dressed up, Drew chimed in and came up with some excuse. I’d gotten to second base that night.

He knew Liz was coming, too, and he was constantly asking when I was going to bring over my new "sister" to meet him. Before she arrived, I just blew him off like I didn’t care, but now, his lewd comments were getting under my skin.

He had asked about if she was hot and how many dates they had to go on before he could sleep with her. I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I started to clench my fists at the thought.

"Jeez, man, lighten up, I'm only joking. You know I would never do anything like that with your sister," he must have picked up on the way I was feeling.

"She's not my sister, " I muttered under my breath.

"Cousin?” I didn’t really know what to call her. “Whatever, man. You've got the hots for her."

"I do not, " I deflected. “She's fifteen, man, come on."

I knew there was some truth to his words. She'd been my first crush back when we were kids, even though she was younger than me. She'd even been my first kiss, if you could count it. We were playing in the backyard, maybe even hunting for salamanders, and she had fallen and scraped her knee. She started to cry loudly, and I'd seen in a movie my dad was watching that you could get a girl to stop crying by kissing her. So, I did. And it worked. My face was growing hot just thinking about it. She probably didn't even remember.

"Well don't worry,” I continued. “She agreed to come over tonight."

I watched Drew's eyes go wide. "You invited her to the party?"

It was Drew's birthday party, which of course, happened every year. I knew what to expect. Last year one of the girls had been wearing only a bra by the end of the night, dancing on the table in a game of truth or dare. I knew that there would be alcohol involved.

I also knew, though, that Liz needed to get out of the house. I’d told her to be ready in an hour before leaving to meet up with Drew.

"She's a big girl, she can handle it, " I retorted. I knew I would be there to watch what happened and to make sure nobody did anything to her. I liked my friends, but I definitely didn’t trust them to behave around a new girl.

Drew laughed, "The girl who passed out when she saw you shirtless?" I regretted telling him about it. My face grew hot again.

"Shut up." I had to keep up appearances, so I laughed and punched him in the arm. "You know what kind of effect all of this has on the ladies." I motioned to the rest of my body. He rolled his eyes and we moved on.

"Alright so you go get the babe, and I’ll go get the booze, " he stood up.

"Right on."

I didn't feel good about this.

--xx--

I really didn't feel good about this. Lizard had her hair curled loosely around her face and down her shoulders. I didn't realize how long it was before because she’d kept it up since she got here. She had worn tight jeans and a hoodie--nothing too revealing, I was relieved to see--but she had done her makeup with some kind of gloss on her lips and her eyes looked even bigger than before. Sucking in some cold air through my teeth, I grabbed her hand.

"Let's go."

She was quiet for the ride to Drew's. It was only a couple of blocks from home, an easily walk-able distance, but I wasn't planning on drinking and wanted to have a quick getaway if she needed it, so we took the car.

She looked out the window with her hands folded neatly in her lap. She’d told me that morning that she wanted to get out of the house, and I stupidly suggested she come to the party with me. I should've just canceled and taken her to the mall or something. It was too late now, though.

She turned to face me, "So what are your friends’ names again?"

"Uh, well it's Drew’s birthday—he’s the host. He's eighteen today so it's a big one. You'll want to watch out for him," I chuckled. Her eyes grew big.

"No, I'm just kidding! He's fine. Don't worry about him." She relaxed her body, but nervously chuckled as I continued. "There's gonna be I think at least two other guys, Jake and Tom, and then probably some girls there too," I answered vaguely.

"Oh, ok."

We grew silent again, not really having much to say. I suddenly realized that she would be the youngest person there, the only one under sixteen, for sure.

As I parked, I turned to her seriously.

"If you get uncomfortable, just say the word and we can go, ‘kay?" I raised my eyebrows to make sure she understood.

Shifting in her seat under my gaze, she agreed. "Okay."

There was nobody there when we got to the house. I figured Drew must still be out getting the drinks. I had been so eager to get this over with, I hadn’t stopped to think.

He had a fake ID and had to go to the town over where the clerks didn't know him. He'd done it enough, his beard helping to let him look older, so he never had any issue getting us beer.

We sat in awkward silence waiting for him to get back.

"So how do you--"

"What do you--"

We had both started at the same time, letting out awkward chuckles again.

"You go first, " she said quietly.

"Um." s**t. What was I starting to say? It hadn't been important, I was just trying to break the silence. "Do you want to go inside?"

She nodded and moved to get out of the car.

I had a key to the garage (Drew's “bachelor pad” as he liked to call it). I fiddled with the keys, dropping them heavily into the gravel driveway out of nervousness. When I finally got the door to swing open, I bowed and reached a hand to motion her ahead of me, beaming a large smile in her direction. “M’lady.” I cringed at my own words. Cheesy, Jimmy.

“Why, thank you,” she curtsied and scurried into the doorway. I watched as she looked around the room. I suddenly became very embarrassed by the posters of half-naked women around the room. They weren't mine, but I felt somehow responsible. I followed her around and explained some of the pieces in the room—the road sign we’d stolen from High Street: Drew had been grounded for a week after that one; the clay sculpture of E.T. we’d made for one of our many school projects; the lawn gnome we dressed up for the holidays—I noticed it was still wearing its Santa outfit. Had we really forgotten to dress it up since then?

She suddenly turned on her heels to look at me, but I was still following and didn’t have time to stop. She collided hard with my chest, about to fall backward. I quickly caught her with both hands around her back, our faces now only inches apart.

The door swung open and Drew walked in, his eyes darting between the two of us. We both straightened and tugged our clothes into place, as Liz strutted over to him with her hand outstretched,

"I'm Liz--"

She stubbed her toe hard on the coffee table, knocking a couple empty beer cans onto the floor.

"Clutz," I chuckled, under my breath. I started to clear the old cans away and set up for the party while Drew made his introductions and put down the bags of drinks. It looked like he must have raided a few different stops, getting several packs of beer and (from the looks of it) lots of hard liquor with no mixers.

Soon, more people were piling in the door and I easily started to lose track of time. Tom and Jake were there, as were Izzy and two of her girlfriends from school (I couldn't remember their names, but they were both in my year). There were a couple other guys from our class who’d brought their girlfriends.

I saw Liz's face start to burn red when she noticed the guests were all giving a cover charge for the party.

"For the drinks, " I explained. She jumped. I had leaned in to whisper, but I must have spoken too loudly in her ear.

"Don't worry," Drew said, putting the money into his wallet. "I can think of some ways you can repay me." He winked and leaned in for a kiss.

She chuckled awkwardly, looking up at me for guidance.

I laughed and punched him lightly in the arm. “Don’t worry, Liz, I’ve got it.” I shot him a warning look as I pulled some money from my wallet and handed it to him.

--xx--

A few hours into the party, I noticed a change. Liz had been drinking. Thankfully one of the girls had brought wine coolers, which they had been sharing openly, and Liz had been drinking those instead of the shots of vodka Drew kept offering her.

She saw starting to laugh a little louder and was starting to hug and touch the other girls. I watched as she hugged Drew and thanked him for inviting her to the party.

My body stiffened when I saw his glazed eyes meet mine. He was drunk. He hugged her back tightly, lifting her feet slightly off the ground.

"Of course, ‘Little One,’" he said quite seriously. He'd started giving everyone "Indian names" throughout the night. I'd become "Stone Face" because I was acting too seriously for his tastes. Somebody had to be responsible with her here.

The party was a lot tamer than I’d been fearing. I noticed the couples were off on one side of the room, laughing and switching between video game controllers. In the back corner of the garage, a large game of spin-the-bottle had the singles cooing.

"Ooh, Jimmy, come play with me," Liz grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the circle.

"I don't know if we should play this, Lizard. You’re looking a little tipsy," I warned.

She glared at me.

"I am not a lizard," she said quite matter-of-factly, which made me chuckle. I had expected her to protest that she was tipsy. I liked seeing her lips curling downward into a pout, and the way her eyebrows furrowed in defiance. I liked her spirit.

"No, of course you're not a lizard," I agreed.

“Well, then there's no reason I can't play," she huffed, and sat between Izzy and Jake. Izzy had agreed earlier in the night to keep an eye on her for me, too. I didn't exactly trust her to keep Liz out of trouble--she was known to be a little wild at parties, but I knew Izzy wouldn’t let her get hurt.

Because I’d decided not to drink that night, I’d been frequently refilling my water to keep myself busy, and now desperately needed to use the bathroom. I saw Izzy put an arm around Liz and explain the rules, so I decided to slip outside.

When I came back in, I saw Drew leaning over the circle and kissing Liz on the cheek, my face becoming red with envy. Drew hadn't even been near the game when I left, and I had only been gone a moment. Did he follow her over there?

I shook the idea from my head and decided to let the night play out. She would tell me if she was uncomfortable, and it was just a kiss on the cheek, after all. Nothing to get upset about.

It was Izzy's turn now, and I watched as it coincidentally landed on Drew. The crowd whistled and cooed as she crawled across the circle and showed her cleavage as she approached. I watched her kiss him hard on the mouth, their tongues obviously intertwined. I chuckled.

"Good for him," I said under my breath. I knew he'd wanted to get with Izzy since the beginning of the school year, and maybe this would be his chance now that he's eighteen. I now stood behind Liz as she smiled wide, "You ready to go home?"

"Yeah," she agreed. I knew she would've liked to stay longer, but it was already well past midnight and I had told Keith and Aunt Kathy we would be back in one piece. I didn't want them waiting up for us.

We quietly slipped out the door and drove away. She fell asleep quickly in the passenger seat, and instead of waking her after the short drive, I passed the driveway to the house and kept driving, smiling down at her as she rested her head on my shoulder.

--xx--

I'd been losing sleep in the few nights she’d been there. We'd mostly spent our days going over to Drew's or going out with him to our usual spots to just hang out and show off. I’d been trying to show her around and make sure she was having a good time in the hopes she might choose to stay with us.

It was so hard to sleep, thinking about her down in the living room. I considered getting out of bed and going to down to see if she was awake but decided against it.

I knew it would be pointless to start something with her if she was just going to leave at the end of the summer. Of course, selfishly, I hoped that she wouldn't be going back, even knowing what that would mean for everyone else.

I hated myself for thinking that way, and quietly rolled over onto my side, staring out the window into the dark night until I fell asleep.