Selfish

Chapter Six - The Confession

Ch 6 – Jimmy

            I kissed Liz.

I had trouble justifying just about everything I had done so far that summer. She was dating my best friend, and I kissed her.

Of course, she didn’t remember when we were little. She was younger than me, and I couldn’t really count that kiss anyway. But then, I had still been her first kiss, the way she remembered it.

Although I felt obligated to Drew, I got the feeling he and I might not be friends anymore at the end of summer. Everything was changing.

             The day after our kiss, she still went on a date with Drew, so I decided to back down. When I walked in on the date though, she invited me in. When I walked her home, I caught her staring at my chest. Did she not want to see him?

 I didn’t want any more conflict than there’d already been. I had invited her to walk with me when I couldn’t sleep, but she was avoiding me then. Of course, Keith and Aunt Kathy then made me take her out. Something about her mom not being able to make it.

I hated who I was becoming: I wished tragedy on her family to get more time with her, and I got it.

We’d walked in silence to the lake, but I couldn’t keep myself composed when she got her ass wet in the marsh.

I’d wanted to kiss her again but felt a duty to Drew that I had a feeling he didn’t deserve.

Then she invited me to that damn bonfire.

I’ll admit, I had wanted to make her jealous. I brought Izzy as my “date” to prevent myself from becoming a third-wheel, of course, but it was an added bonus that she’s conventionally attractive.

When she’d gotten up to use the bathroom, I couldn’t stand seeing the two of them together, Drew’s stupid hand on her leg, her stupid hand on his.

I ran away.

I was a coward.

I told Izzy how I felt about Lizard, and she somehow understood. I couldn’t understand it myself. She held me as I cried in her shoulder.

Pathetic.

After the bonfire, and after I’d driven Izzy home, I saw it—the house was officially up for auction.

I don’t know how long I stayed there. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to. I tried to. I walked along the property. I looked in through the windows. I sat in my car. I smoked a joint. I fell asleep on the stoop. But I didn’t cry.

The sun was already starting to come up when I came inside and saw Liz on the couch. I didn’t think she’d been drunk when I left, but a wave of guilt and jealousy flooded over me—I didn’t know how long she was with Drew or what they could’ve done together.

Without dwelling any longer, I marched upstairs and collapsed in bed.

--xx—

Over the next two days, Lizard and I spent more time together. I was trying to find any hints that she had second thoughts about Drew, and trying harder to work up the courage to tell her how I felt.

We’d sat by the creek behind the house again, and found a few salamanders, which we didn’t hang on to. I loved the way she laughed when I’d delicately placed one on her head.

We’d walked, again, to the lake, this time during the day, and talked about everything and nothing all at once.

It was so easy to get along with her, and I was done pretending to just be her friend. I didn’t even care that she was my cousin, anymore. I wanted to be with her, and I thought, maybe she might want to be with me, too.

I was pacing the hallway outside the bathroom, waiting for her to come out from her shower. I’d had a plan: I would take her back to the lake. We wouldn’t have anyone around to see, and I would tell her then. I’d even rehearsed what to say in the mirror, like a fool.

If it went well, we would kiss, and this time, she would kiss back. If it didn’t…

At least my heartbreak wouldn’t be public.

The doorbell rang, and Aunt Kathy called for me to get it. She was busy braiding Emily’s hair before they left for the stables again.

I was reluctant to leave my post, but she wasn’t going anywhere, so I got the door.

Drew.

“’Sup, Shea.” He nodded his head upward sharply, flicking his chin in my direction. His eyes were narrowed, and his lips were pushed together.

He never called me “Shea.” Everyone at school did, sure. But not him.

“Um. Wassup.” I shifted in the doorway, hoping to block him from coming inside, but he pushed me out of the way to walk past and into the foyer.

“What are you doing here?” I accused. It was obvious what he was here for. Liz must have been getting ready for another date.

“I’m here to take your girl,” he said coolly.

“What?” My voice was a sharp whisper. Whatever was coming next, I knew I didn’t want her to hear.

“What, you didn’t think I actually liked her, did you?” My face was pulling into disgust. I opened my mouth to tell him off, but he continued.

“This isn’t about Liz,” he explained.

“Well then what the hell is this about?” I didn’t understand. Was he doing this just to f**k with me? “You’re still mad that I hit you?”

He shrugged. “No, I deserved that.” My head was spinning.

“Then what the hell is this about?” I repeated myself, trying to hold onto my whisper.

He scoffed. “Drop the act, Shea. You hurt me, I’m gonna hurt you.”

When I held my perplexed stare, his eyes widened.

“Oh, you really don’t know,” he was taunting me. His lips curled into a devilish grin. “Well then maybe you should take a look at your girlfriend.”

I hated the way he said it. Like the word itself was poison. What I wouldn’t have given for it to be true.

“You know Liz is not my girlfriend.”

“I’m not talking about Liz,” he spat. “I’m talking about Izzy! You’ve been all over her!”

We both heard the water from the shower stop, so I pulled him into the living room to continue our whispered conversation.

“What are you even talking about?”

“Come on, man. Don’t act like this is news to you.” He threw his hands in the air in frustration.

I really wasn’t following.

“Ok, let’s see. The end of the year bonfire,” he started counting on his fingers, staring daggers into me with each new point, “you kissed her and then took her home. How about my party,” another finger, “you saw me kissing her during spin-the-bottle and jetted. You couldn’t handle seeing me have something for once.” He brought out another finger, “let’s see, what else….” He mockingly tapped a finger on his chin and looked around the room before landing his glare back on me, “you took her on a f*****g date to my house.”

I stood there with my mouth open. I didn’t know what to say. None of that stuff was about Izzy. At the school bonfire, she had been the one to kiss me! I had only taken her to the stupid bonfire at Drew’s house so I could make Liz jealous, not Drew!

None of my defenses came, and we were interrupted by Lizard, running down the stairs with her hair pulled up and her big eyes made bigger again with makeup.

She looked between us but didn’t say anything before Drew confirmed that she was ready. As they headed out the door, he turned back and pointed out the door at Liz, who’d gone out behind him.

He mouthed the words again, the message clear: “I’m taking your girl.”

And just like that, they were gone. I was left standing in the living room with my mouth hung open, like an i***t. Again.

--xx—

Now that my plans had been ruined to take Lizard to the lake, I’d been roped into helping Keith set up for the annual Fourth of July party. We had hung lights on the gazebo and were now hanging them through the air between the trees around the property. Keith held the ladder as I hung the lights.

It proved to be a more difficult job than it looked, and my ribs were complaining each time I had to reach overhead to twist the string of lights around a new tree branch.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice boomed from below me and I nearly slipped off the step.

“Talk about what?” I was trying to appear nonchalant, but I could tell my behavior was erratic. I was pretty forceful with the lights, and we’d already had to go back and re-do a few branches after I’d yanked the lights off them trying to pull them taught.

“Whatever’s going on with you and Drew,” he answered, not bothering to beat around the bush.

I finished the branch I’d been working on and looked down to start moving to the next, but he didn’t budge.

I obviously couldn’t tell him how I felt about Liz, or that Drew was only using her to get back at me for some stupid wrong I never did him.

“Nothing, we’re fine.” I wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Really,” I doubled down.

“And so, what about this girl you were fighting about?” s**t.

“What about her?” He finally made way for me to come down from the ladder and we moved slowly to the next tree, setting up thoughtfully in an awkward silence.

“Would that girl happen to be Liz?” He was good, I’d give him that, but I still couldn’t tell him how I felt about her. She was his daughter and I was living under the same roof. There’s no way he would approve of me going after her.

“No, it’s this girl from school, Izzy,” I deflected. It wasn’t really a lie: Drew had just told me that this whole thing was about Izzy the whole time. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t interested in her.

“Ah,” he nodded and let me continue with the branch. “Well, you see, you seemed pretty upset when Drew came to take her on that first date, and you left in a hurry,” he pointed out. “And you don’t seem to happy about it now,” he darted his eyes to the branch I’d been working on. I’d twisted the lights multiple times around the same branch absently, and a few of the twigs had snapped off or were hanging by only the wick.

“Yeah, well, you’re right. I’m not too happy that they’re together. He’s a dick.” I shrugged. My profanity elicited a chuckle from the bottom of the ladder. I went back to untwisting the lights.

“So, what’s going on with this... Izzy, now?”

The tone in his voice sounded like he didn’t believe she existed: like she was a fake name I’d fabricated to take the spotlight off the real issue.

I shrugged again. “I took her on a double date with Drew and Liz. It was fine.”

“Ah,” he nodded again. “So, Drew’s only seeing Liz because he didn’t get the girl?”

How did he figure all of this out so quickly? Was it obvious to everyone but me?

I gawked at him and he laughed.

“I was your age once, too, you know,” he continued as I made my way down the ladder once more. Instead of moving to the next tree, though, he motioned for me to join him at the hood of my car. He leaned back into it, his ankles and arms crossed in front of him.

I’d never been intimidated by Keith until now. I thought maybe it had something to do with the way I felt about his daughter. Or the way he seemed to size me up before he continued.

“You look just like him when he was your age.” I didn’t have to ask who he was referring to. I’d heard the tune before: “You look just like your father.”

He took a moment to look me up and down again before continuing:

“You know, he and I fought over a girl once, too.” I raised my eyebrows. This was a new one. “I didn’t think we would still be friends after what I’d done. I didn’t play fair.”

He looked at me, waiting for a response, but I simply waited for him to continue.

“We had already agreed that neither of us would go after this girl. We wouldn’t let anything come between us, especially a girl,” he continued.

“But I broke my promise,” he hung his head, seeming to relive the guilt. “When Mike was home working on the farm, I was walking her home from school, or taking her out to eat.” He frowned at the ground in front of him before looking up at me with tired eyes. “I was a bad friend,” he admitted.

“Well, then what happened?”

“He found out, and gave me the beating of a lifetime,” he chuckled. “Your dad had a mean punch.”

“It worked out in the end,” he assured me. “Your mom never had feelings for me, and soon they were pregnant with you,” he looked up to me and smiled in my dumbfounded face.

“My mom?”

He chuckled in response. “Don’t worry, there’s no chance you’re my kid.”

The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind yet, and the thought disgusted me. I couldn’t be Liz’s brother.

He laughed harder at the face I was making.

“Jim, don’t worry,” he clapped a hand on my back. “Mike was still my best friend after that. After everything. I’m sure you and Drew can work this out.”

He clapped a hand on my back and knocked the wind out of me. I winced at the new pain in my rib, and I was sure it was broken.

“I don’t even like Izzy,” I explained.

He pushed his lips together in thought. “I know,” he answered. “Let’s get back to work.”

--xx—

We made light work of the rest of the afternoon, stringing the lights and setting up long tables to be filled with food and drink. We set up our own fire pit in the lawn and arranged picnic chairs around it before lighting. Once Keith was satisfied with the state of things, he cracked open two cans of beer, handing one to me.

I'd never drunk with him before, but he nodded and took a sip from his drink, encouraging me that it was okay.

My muscles were aching, and I was thinking about going inside to take a shower when Drew's car pulled up to the end of the driveway, and Liz came out to join us.

Keith and I both frowned. What kind of guy doesn't pull into the driveway to let out his date?

I thought about asking her to go to the lake with me then, but it didn't feel like the right time. I had been sweating from working in the heat, and I didn't want to embarrass myself.

"How was your date, honey?" Keith spoke first.

"It was good," she smiled, but didn't offer any more details before turning to go inside.

I sat with Keith a moment more, finishing my beer before standing suddenly to join her.

"Thanks for your help today," he looked up at me.

I nodded in response, making my way inside and up the stairs. I wanted to catch her then, but I saw her go into Emily's room, shutting the door behind her.

Instead of knocking on the door, I made my way into the bathroom to take a cool shower.

My body was still aching, and although the bruise on my ribs was now completely gone, I felt the sharp pain when I reached up to wash my hair.

Once out, I inspected myself in the mirror.

Now was as good a time as any to talk to her. My face was pretty much healed, except for the two new scars I'd acquired.

The one on my lip was the least prominent, especially since I hadn't shaved in a few days and my dark beard was starting to grow in.

I stood at the sink and shaved the thinner hair from my cheeks, leaving only the hair on my chin and upper lip to frame my lips.

It looked funny at first in the mirror, but I thought it did make me look older, so I left it as it was then, staring at myself for another moment before leaving to my room.

As soon as I swung the door open, and started forward, I bumped into Liz, who must have been getting ready to knock on the door, as she faced me.

I caught her from falling back with one hand, clutching my towel with the other, and her eyes fell to my naked chest.

She quickly blushed and turned to look away at the carpet, as she stammered a quiet, "hey."

"Um, hey." I still had my arm snaked around her. s**t. I let my arm fall back to my side and shifted my weight.

She snapped her head back to face me, keeping careful to keep her eyes on mine.

I couldn't keep myself from smiling.

"Doyouwannagoforawalk?" She breathed out, all at once.

Now, I really couldn’t hold back a smile.

“Yeah, uh…” I looked down at the towel I still had wrapped around my waist. “Can I get dressed first?”

Her eyes wandered to my chest again for just a moment before snapping back up to my face.

“Yeah, of course. Duh,” she nodded her head wildly, her cheeks a deep red.

I chuckled and made my way into my room, sighing heavily before rehearsing once again in the mirror.

--xx—

The sun was low as we started making our way back to the lake. I could tell she was learning her way around by her confident stride, and we quickly made our way back to the spot where I’d first kissed her.

As we walked, we smoked and laughed about my silly goatee. I laughed along with her and didn’t feel hurt by her jests; I liked her laugh.

We both fell quiet, though, when we came to our spot, and I felt my heart pounding heavily in my chest.

We sat beside each other.

Opening my mouth to start my speech, I surprised myself by what came out instead:

“How was your date with Drew?”

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

She told me it was much better than the other ones so far: he’d let her pick the movie they would see in the cinema, and she had chosen the romantic comedy.

She told me how the theatre was nearly empty because the movie has been showing for a few weeks now, and she excitedly shared the plot and her frustrations with the female lead: how could she end up with that guy?!

I chuckled and nodded along. I felt a similar sentiment.

When she finally told me that, after the movie had finished, he had kissed her on the lips, I felt the anger building again.

Drew was just using her to get to me. He was taking advantage of her innocence. He would break her heart just to hurt me.

“I don’t want you to see him anymore,” I blurted out, surprising even myself.

I turned to her and her eyes reflected shock.

“Why not?”

Now’s your chance, Jimmy. Tell her how you feel.

“He’s just using you!” No. Not that.

I wish I could have taken back those words. I watched as her face contorted and tears started to fill her eyes. I was the one breaking her heart now.

“How?” she asked quietly.

I pushed my lips together. I didn’t want to say any more. I wanted to eat my words.

“How?!” She suddenly stood, with her fists curled tightly by her sides. She towered over me.

I held my silence.

“Right,” she crossed her arms. “He’s not,” she accused. “Is it that hard to believe someone might actually like me?”

I heard the plea in her voice, and I looked up to her.

I wanted to tell her, no, I like you.

I wanted to tell her that I would be there for her when no one else is.

I wanted to stand and hold her. I wanted to push her hair out of her face and kiss her deeply. I wanted her to be mine.

She had stormed off through the trees long before I finally stood to make my way home.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

--xx—

All I could feel was anger. Anger at Drew for using Liz and for taking her away from me. Anger at myself for pushing her away even further, and for not telling her how I felt when I had the chance. Anger at my dad, for dying and leaving me to figure this all out on my own. Anger at the bank for putting my house up for auction.

I knew Drew would be at the picnic. He came every year for the Fourth of July. There would be fireworks and alcohol and free food—forget it, he was there.

I felt anger, even at the Fourth of July, and at Keith and Katherine for always throwing this stupid party.

At least she would be there, too. I could catch glimpses of her smile throughout the day. Even though she wouldn’t be there with me, at least she would be smiling, and that’s all I really wanted.

I would still keep an eye on them, though. Drew was no longer a friend, and I knew I could never live with myself if he did something to actually hurt her.

This was all my fault.