Selfish

Chapter Eight - Unwanted

Ch 8 – Jimmy

            That night, all I could think about was her. The way her hair cascaded down her shoulders; the way she would push her lips together in defiance; the way she said my name, and the way her laugh would kill any negativity I felt: the way she could make everything better simply by being around.

I thought especially about the way her bright panties clung to her skin from the wet of the pond. The way she had tiptoed to see the tops of my shoulders from behind me. They way she had blushed when she’d seen too much.

            I woke up with the cloth of my boxers stuck to my skin, fresh ejaculate gluing the thin fabric to the head of my p***s.

            Stripping to clean myself, I could remember my dream vividly and felt embarrassed and ashamed at the thought. Just remembering the way her full lips had wrapped around my c**k, her wide eyes staring up at me, seeking approval. I imagined the way her smooth legs would spread for me, begging for me to fill her. My mind had caressed her every curve, kissed her every crevice, and had savored every inch. I felt myself stiffening again with the fresh imagery.

            I had to remind myself that she was my cousin, now; that she would only be here for the summer, and she would be gone. Even if I stood a chance of earning her affection, it would all be lost the moment she left Connecticut to go home to her mother.

            I took another cold shower to rid myself of the imagery, finding a stray leech clung to the skin of my foot.

Though I hadn’t found the opportunity (or been focused enough) to explain to Liz the misunderstanding Drew and I had shared, I had decided to make it my mission to gain her understanding by the end of the day.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and there was a good chance she would be hurt knowing that Drew had only been using her to bring me pain. It would be worth it, though, to finally get my feelings out in the open. She would finally know how I felt about her and how beautiful she really was. She would know that I was falling in love with her.

I realized I’d been staring at myself in the mirror.

            Why am I so f*****g awkward?

            Shaking my head, I spoke out loud:

            “Okay, Jimmy, just do it. You don’t have to talk to yourself. Just tell her.”

            Chuckling awkwardly at myself, I had made the decision. I would tell her everything, even if it would mean embarrassing myself.

            --xx—

            Aunt Kathy and Keith wasted no time on pleasantries or "good mornings" that day. As soon as I'd entered the kitchen for breakfast, a barrage of questions was launched into the air, though I had questions of my own.

"Where did you disappear off to last night?"

"Were you with Liz?"

“What happened to Drew?”

“Did you get into another fight?”

"How can you explain the mud on my clean carpets?" s**t.

"Um... Why are you two home? It's Monday. Don't you have to go to work today?" I attempted to divert the conversation. Even Emily was sitting at the table, instead of her usual attendance to a day-camp nearby.

"We have off for Independence Day." Aunt Kathy waved her arm through the air, as if blowing away my question like a cloud of smoke. "Answer the question, James."

"Which one?" I baited, smirking at the flabbergasted response this elicited from Aunt Kathy.

Keith simply rolled his eyes and reiterated calmly: "We're giving you a chance to explain yourself, here, Jim. Don't do this."

Frowning, I knew he was right. I had to say something.

"Explain himself for what?" Lizard made her way into the kitchen lazily, covering her mouth as she yawned.

"You're not out of the woods, either, Missy," Aunt Kathy shot a glare toward Liz.

Why were they acting like this? They never gave me a hard time when I would miss family dinners or celebrations. Was it because Liz was involved this time? We were obviously safe and at home once they'd come back from the fireworks. Who cared what happened before that?

Unless they know.

            Liz shifted uncomfortably and looked to each of us for clarification.

            “They want to know what happened to us last night,” I explained, begging her with my eyes to come up with something fast.

            “Oh, uh…” She pulled her arms behind her back and looked down at the floor. “Well, I was upset with Drew and I told him to leave and then I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I fell into the pond, and I needed Jimmy to help me out.”

She kept her head down but raised her eyes to look up at Keith. I imagined he would have a hard time being angry with those eyes.

“I lost a shoe,” she finished and looked back to the floor.

I began to blush and avoided Keith’s and Aunt Kathy’s gaze. She hadn’t mentioned the leeches, and I didn’t want Keith to know how I’d seen his daughter.

“Well,” Keith looked to Aunt Kathy, who’s eyebrows were furrowed. “Okay.”

I noticed both Liz and I had relaxed the tension in our bodies.

“At least you both are safe.” He turned to address me. “Jim.”

I stiffened again.

“Let me talk to you for a moment,” he motioned for me to walk with him. I followed him through the kitchen door which led to the back patio. We’d used this space to grill the day before, though it had been cleared of any remnants from the celebration.

Once he had closed the door behind me, he cleared his throat.

            Here it comes. He knows about the leeches. He’s going to kill me. He’ll never let me near his daughter again.

            “Is that really how it happened?” He raised his eyebrows in question.

            “Um…”

            “I mean to say; did she really just fall into the pond?”

            His question caught me off guard. I’d had my own sneaking suspicions that night, though to be fair, I’d been quickly distracted.

            “As far as I know,” I shrugged. “That’s what she told me.”

            “Did you see it happen?”

            “Well,” I shifted my weight and my eyes. “No. I heard the splash of water and I ran to see what happened. I didn’t see Drew anywhere.”

            He nodded, thoughtfully, as if taking in the meaning of my words.

            “Okay.” He then pushed his lips together with his hands on his hips.

            “Will you talk to her for me?” He asked.

            “Wha—who, me?” I pointed at myself in shock, and he laughed.

            “Yes, you. I have the feeling she doesn’t exactly want to discuss this with me.”

            “Well, uh… discuss what, exactly?” What did he expect me to say?

            “I want to know what happened; what got her so upset with Drew to begin with. Is he someone I need to worry about?”

            “Oh, uh…” I shifted again.

            “Good,” he stood straight, clapping a hand on my back heavily. “Get to it,” he ordered. I hadn’t exactly agreed, but I figured I didn’t really have a choice.

            “Oh, and one more thing.”

            I looked up to meet his eyes. Here it comes.

“Thanks for taking care of her for me, Jim,” he said earnestly.

            As he turned to reach for the door to go back inside, relief had washed over me.

            That went well.

            He looked back over his shoulder.

            “And for taking care of the leeches,” he chuckled and motioned to the empty bucket I’d used to collect the leeches in the bathroom. It now sat outside, next to the patio door.

            How could I have missed it?! He must have found it in the bathroom! Why didn’t he kill me?

            I made my way behind him, my face hotter than I’d ever felt it before. Without making eye contact with the other three in the room, I took Lizard by the arm and led her back upstairs.

            --xx—

            I led her into my room, letting go of her arm only to shut the door tightly behind us. With my back against the door, then, I raised a finger to my pursed lips, letting her know we had to be quiet.

            I sat on the bed and motioned for her to join me, but she only stared at me with those big eyes, color creeping into her cheeks.

            I shook my head in embarrassment.

            “Your dad knows I checked you for leeches.” She was too far from me to hear a whisper, so I was keeping my voice low.

            Her eyes grew even wider and she stiffened in place.

            “How?” Instead of blushing, it seemed all color had drained from her face now.

            “Shhh!” I darted my eyes to the door. Disappearing into my room with the door shut suddenly seemed like a terrible idea.

“I forgot about the bucket,” I admitted, bringing my eyes to the floor in shame.

The bed shifted as she sat beside me.

“Well, what did he say? Are we in trouble?” She stared into my eyes with worry.

I shook my head in answer. “No, I just need to know what happened.”

“I told you,” she whispered. “I fell into the pond.”

I shook my head again. “No, I need to know what happened before that.”

No answer.

            “With Drew,” I urged.

            She looked away, now blushing again.

            “Nothing,” she insisted. “I just told him to leave,” she shrugged.

            “Come on, Lizard. What did he do?”

            She sighed before turning to me, her lips pushed together and tears starting to form in her eyes.

            Oh no. What did I do?

            “He—” she stopped herself, closing her eyes and frowning. With her eyes still closed, she answered. “He put his hands up my shirt and…”

            Anger was filling me again.

            She opened her eyes. “I slapped him,” she finished quietly.

            My mouth hung open. He’d betrayed me again, after promising to back off. I’d apologized to him and he had admitted his wrongdoings. How could he do this to her?

            “He called me a prude and left, and I tried to run,” she continued, now giving me the full picture. “Anywhere. But I was crying, and I couldn’t see where I was going and I fell into the water,” she paused to breathe. Her voice was cracking as tears streamed down her face. “And then that’s when you showed up,” she looked up at me.

            I saw her tears travel down her cheeks and fall to the comforter on my bed. I watched as a few of them fell to collect in the corner of her mouth. Taking her face in my hands, I brushed them away with my thumbs and my eyes again found hers.

            I couldn’t stop myself. I brought my face down to meet hers, our lips crashing together. I tasted the salt of her tears, and felt her arms wrap around my body as she reciprocated.

            When I finally pulled away, she sobbed and cried again.

            What did I do now?!

            “Hey,” I whispered again, “Lizard, I’m sorry.” For what, I wasn’t sure. She’d kissed back. Hadn’t it been what she wanted?

            She looked up at me again, crying freely.

            “I just want to go home,” she was no longer keeping her voice down. Her voice was pleading, and although I knew there was nothing I could do to help her, I wanted to take away all of her hurt.

            “I know,” I whispered, and brushed the hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear.

            “Why didn’t she fight for me?” Her voice was so small, her eyes tired and wet.

            “Who?” I asked, trying to understand. “Your mom?” Though my voice was still low, we were no longer keeping a whisper.

            She sobbed again, burying her face in her hands. Instinctively, I wrapped an arm around her back, the other falling to her closest thigh. I rubbed her arm lightly, squeezing her body into mine in a tight embrace.

            Suddenly dropping her hands, she looked up at me, our faces only inches apart.

            “Why didn’t she fight harder? Then maybe I would still be in Rhode Island and none of this would have happened.”

            I was hurt. My mind started to spin. She was wishing that she hadn’t met me again—that we wouldn’t have shared these weeks laughing together. She was wishing that we hadn’t kissed.

            I pulled my arms away from her, repositioning myself to give her distance.

            Maybe she really didn’t like me. Maybe she would be happier without me in her life.

            Then it hit me.

            “Your mom was the one who sent you here.”

            s**t! I said that out loud??

            Hoping she hadn’t heard me, I looked up to find her staring at me in shock.

            She definitely heard me.

            “What did you say?” Her voice was low again. I knew she had heard me. I couldn’t lie now.

            “Um…” I pulled a hand to the back of my neck, rubbing nervously. Sighing loudly and dropping my hand back to my lap. “I said, your mom is the one who sent you here this summer.”

            “What do you mean?” She was no longer crying. That’s good, right?

            “Well…”

            “Tell me.” Her words were harsh and biting. I felt as though I’d been slapped, too.

            “Lizard, maybe you should go ask your dad,” I tried to reason. This wasn’t my business to share.

            “No,” she crossed her arms across her chest and stood, standing not much taller than I was sitting on the bed. “I’m going to hear this from you.”

            She stared at me as I tried to plea with my eyes.

            Knowing I had already lost this battle, I answered.

            “Fine,” I stood, too, now looking down at her. “Your mom asked Keith and Aunt Kathy to take you for the summer.”

            She held her posture and pushed her lips together in thought.

            “Why?”

            I sighed. I had been hoping not to have to get to this part.

            “Don’t make me say it, Lizard.”

            She stared up at me in defiance.

            “She has lung cancer.” My voice was softer now. I had no right to say it. It was not my information to share.

            She dropped her arms slowly. “No, she doesn’t,” she said quietly. I could tell she knew I was right, but that she didn’t want to believe me.

            “Yes,” I reiterated. “She does.”

            “No,” she took a step back.

            “She needed to get treatment, and she wanted you and your dad to be closer in case—” I stopped myself. I had said way too much.

            “And YOU KNEW?” She suddenly snapped her head to face me, her eyes wild with hatred, her lips downturned and her nostrils flaring.

            My mouth hung open once again. Now I had betrayed her. I had no way to defend myself. I had known about her mother all along, even wishing horrible tragedy up on her for my own gain. I was disgusted with myself. My own father had died of cancer. How could I have wished that on anyone? Especially Liz.

            “Don’t talk to me,” she muttered as she turned to leave the room, swinging the door wide to reveal Keith and Aunt Kathy outside my room.

            She screamed into their faces wildly with her hands in fists at her side before running into Emily’s room, slamming the door behind her.

            --xx—

            This was quickly becoming one of the worst summers of my life, second only to losing my father nearly a year ago.

            Not only had I ruined my friendship with Drew over a girl I didn’t even like, I had ruined my chances with the one I loved. I had explained to Keith what I’d told her. He wasn’t upset with me, somehow, but he had become furious when I told him what had really happened with Drew. He had turned red and his voice became gruff—I shuddered to imagine his reaction if I had told him about our kiss.

            He’d stormed out of the house and started the car. Where he was going, I had no idea, but it had to be better than here. He was scaring me.

            When he’d come home hours later, he seemed calmer, if not resigned. He dragged his feet and knocked lightly on Emily’s door to no reply. Emily was staying the night in my room, since Liz was refusing to answer the door, and I had volunteered myself for the couch. In a weird way, I felt that I deserved to be punished for what I had done, even though all I’d given her was the truth.

            I still hadn’t told her how I felt, but by this point, it was probably better that I didn’t. I knew she would just reject me, and it would feel worse with her knowing than to just keep my heartbreak to myself.

            I laid awake on the couch for hours, despite the sleep that was threatening my eyes to close. I hoped against all odds that she would tiptoe down the stairs and find me—that I could apologize, and that she wouldn’t hate me anymore.

            I knew that she would never want me. I knew that I had lost my chance, and I had lost my best friend all in a few short weeks. The rest of the summer was going to be hell.

            She didn’t come down, and I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming only of her anger and my defeat.