Called by the Goddess

Chapter 18: sharing my worries

I looked around the table, only the five of us were here now, Granny, Jasmin, Tara, Maya and myself. The people who I’ve grown closest to over the past year.

“First, I think we could use some tea”, Granny said, looking around the table. She got up and got a big pot of hot water. I still was in awe of the fact that we could tap off boiling water straight from a faucet. A whole different kind of luxury than I was used to, one that the pack did not have. At least, not us omegas, we just had to boil water the old fashioned way…

She put a herbal mixture into the pot to let it steep and went around with a big tray of a special kind of gingerbread, that was only served on special days. Angelica baked it especially for the ritual tonight.

“I thought we could all use a treat and some sustenance”, Granny winked at us, while pouring the tea in the huge mugs I had gotten accustomed to.

I took a bite out of the gingerbread. It tasted heavenly, with lots of special spices.

Then Granny handed me a mug of tea. I put my hands around my mug and sniffed the tea. Strange… but nice.

“What do you smell?” Granny asked me. I rolled my eyes. Lesson time… There was no use fighting this, I had learned this past year. If Granny saw a teaching opportunity, she would grab it with both hands!

So I closed my eyes, connected with Luna and took another sniff. “Lavender, that one is obvious… chamomile I believe, nutmeg… lemon balm and peppermint” I summed up the different smells.

Granny took a breath like she was going to say something, but I quickly added “Oh, and almost missed it, but the sweet smell gave it away: Linden Blossom!”

It had become a familiar lesson. Granny had a mystery mix of herbs and teas and I had to determine what was in it, by smell only. I had gotten good at it. I grinned at her. “Did I miss anything?” I asked.

Granny beamed at me. “No, spot on! Despite the overpowering smell of lavender, well done!”

I smiled, secretly proud of myself. Then I remembered what I wanted to discuss and I looked down at my tea, not really knowing how to start.

“Spit it out, my dear!” Granny said to me. “There has been something weighing on your mind now for some time, time to share it with us. If not now, then when, after today we won’t talk with each other for a month, you know that!”

Oh yeah, how could I forget. After my anointment, I had to ‘prove’ myself by living out in the forest on my own for a month. Well, not entirely alone, together with my beta. It was something that I dreaded on one hand, but was looking forward to as well. A month together with Maya, who had become my best friend. The time to see if I could make it on my own. And to switch roles with Maya: from teacher / student to beta / luna. Weird. But back to the issue at hand… Henry!

“Yes, well, it is about Henry…” I started. “I don’t want to gossip or anything,” I added, looking down at my mug again.

Granny raised an eyebrow. “We know that Kate, not to say that you have no bad traits at all, but gossiping is definitely not one of them, so carry on…” she encouraged me to go on.

“Ok then… well, sometimes I think I am imagining things, but I get bad vibes from him. I get the feeling that he feels resentment against me, that he feels like I don’t deserve to be the chosen one and that he feels that he deserves to be the next war chief and that he holds a secret grudge against the order for that as well… He hates it when I beat him at something, but he tries to hide it. Just now when Maya gave him a piece of her mind, before the debriefing started, I felt like he gave me a dead stare, like everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault. I swear, if looks could kill, I wouldn’t be breathing now. But then he hid his feelings again and I was wondering if I was imagining things or not”. I blurted out in one go.

I glanced up quickly but then returned back to stare at my tea. I did not want to see a look of disapproval on Granny’s face.

“Kate, look at me” Granny said with a soft voice. I looked up and felt a rush of relief. She did not look disappointed, but loving and maybe a bit sad.

“My sweet child, when are you going to learn that your feelings matter, that you are allowed to express your opinions and doubts, even if we don’t share them.” Granny continued.

I felt a tear running down my cheek. Even after a year, I still could not shake the feeling that everything I said, especially when speaking from my heart, could and would be used against me.

“I know,” I said, “it is just that I know where both Henry and I come from, what we have had to overcome to be here, to be feeling like we are living the dream, like we arrived in heaven after spending time in hell. And I can imagine if you feel like you cannot achieve your dreams and wants, even here in heaven, that this could make you bitter.”

“And you thought that you were imagining Henry’s feelings by putting yourself in his shoes?” Granny asked me, smiling gently at me.

“Yes, exactly!” I said. “That is why I haven’t said anything before. But I feel it is getting worse, so either I am playing a trick on my own mind and I need your help to put my mind at ease, or I am right and Henry might become a danger to us all, because if you suppress all that anger and resentment, one day it will burst out!” I explained, and yet again, there was a stupid tear, two even, on both cheeks now. I rubbed my face and reached out to get a tissue. I hated showing my weak side like this. Everybody knew this, so there was a few seconds of deafening silence.

“Actually,” Maya broke the silence, “I did notice that dead stare, I figured that it was because of the skunk. But now you put it like this, it totally makes sense” She stayed quiet for a few seconds with a pensive look on her face. “And looking back, it makes sense and fills in some strange moments I sensed between Henry, you and I, that I could not quite place before. So I think you are right. Maybe someone ought to warn Tasha about this as well!”

“And this is why you need your beta at your side, Kate my dear, and learn to share your worries and doubts”, Granny said. “You are right, I have sensed some tension between you and Henry for some time now, but did not think much of it and so did not pay much attention to it either. If you had spoken up sooner…” both eyebrows went up this time, meaning this was her telling me off gently “then I could have helped you two through these feelings. But now we have to focus on the ritual tonight and the preparation for your initiation quest. Leave Henry and his feelings to me, for you two it is time to prepare for your quest,” she told Maya and me.