Identity Crisis

Chapter Two

The next day during lunch, I was surprised to see both Bane and Gedeon sitting at my table. It felt surprisingly good knowing that I wouldn't be eating all by my lonesome. To be honest, seeing that something I had said worked, in this case, made me feel a little put out. I had misjudged the guy and I wasn't really sure if I liked him all that much. I mentally shrugged it off and made my way over to the table. Gedeon smiled when he saw me and began shoveling food in his mouth. I wrinkled my nose slightly and pulled out my book. Yes, okay, I was trying to ignore them. I get it, beggars can't be choosers, but why did I have to get stuck with dumb and dumber? How did I get so lucky? (Sarcasm).

"So, what class do you have next Gryffyn?" Gedeon asked me.

"Same as Bane." I responded disinterested and without glancing up from my book. I could hear him chew his food as he talked. Rather disgusting really.

"Really? Me too. So, we're going to be class buddies then." He grinned all over himself. He was rather cute, but it itched at me that he seemed to be so enthusiastic today when only the day before he'd been an empty shell of a person, ready to turn goth and begin the process of ending life as he knew it.

"Yeah, fun." I mumbled. Man, my book was getting good. I was like twelve chapters from completion, and it had taken me four days, four, to get as far as I was. Totally unlike me, by the way. I could finish a book in one day and have time to clean my room. Amazing, right?

"Am I bothering you? Cuz', you seem a little uptight today." He asked around a mouthful of food.

I sighed and put down the book, "No, you're not bothering me, Gedeon. I'm just in a sour mood today and I was really enjoying my book. It honestly has nothing to do with you. So, what's up?" I felt rather grudgingly obligated to acknowledge them. I'd originally thought it must have had something to do with my conversation with my brother the day before.

"Oh, I see. Do you want to come hangs out with us after school?" Gedeon asked me. The way he lifted his eyebrows up in question was rather cute in my opinion. He was a good-looking boy with his dark brown hair hanging slightly over his eyes, but I had no intentions of getting attached to anyone here in Missouri.

"I don't know, I've got a lot of homework to do. Mrs. Lois gave us four pages of complex equations to finish before tomorrow and I was only able to finish one page in class today, so that leaves me three for tonight and they will take me forever to do." I said, fidgeting with my fork.

Gedeon smiled at me, but it was Bane who spoke, "I can help you with those. We can hang at the coffee shop while we do our homework together and then we can go to the park or something." His offer was tempting but I suddenly wasn't sure if I really wanted to become acquainted with these two.

"Come on Gryffyn please! It'll be fun. Please, please, please." Gedeon pouted, his full lower lip stuck out and his icy blue eyes grew big and bright. He looked rather pitiful, but in a cute puppy way.

So, I relented, "Fine, we'll hang out, but we are doing our homework first or I go home." I pointed my finger at them. They looked profoundly serious as they both crossed their chest with their fingers.

"You got a deal, girly." Bane said and stood just as the bell rang. I grinned at him and followed suit, Gedeon lagged behind. "Are you ready for the new art project we'll be assigned today?"

"Are you kidding?" I asked him, raising one eyebrow, "I've been ready for the last week. I can't wait to work on something else."

Bane chuckled, "Yeah, I know. You've been looking pretty bored."

"Is art really that exciting?" Gedeon inquired. Bane and I just smiled at him. We walked together to art and sat together. It was a nice feeling. I'd never experienced it before; having someone actually wanting to sit near you and talk to you. Gedeon had the same two classes as me after art. We did sit near each other. He borrowed a pencil. So, this was what having friends was like. I felt a little pang of regret that I hadn't made friends with any girls, but like I said before.... beggars can't be choosers. It was also somewhat of a challenge to pay attention to what was being taught when you had a friend to talk to.

After school we stopped in at the cafe. We joked around as we worked on homework, and to my astonishment, we had it all knocked out within an hour and a half when it would have taken me at least two just to get through the math assignment. I ordered three mocha frappes and we sat talking and laughing long after we'd finished. When we left, we walked around town for a while just talking about school and what we did in our free time, what our favorite music was, just the normal teenage stuff. It was more fun than I'd ever had in Montana and I was feeling like I might even be able to accept this new place as my home. By the time the sun started setting I had decided that it was time for me to go home. My dad was probably in a frenzy and I'm sure that my mom would be if I weren’t home by dark, so the guys dropped me off promising we'd do it again tomorrow.

As it turned out I was right, and I knew I would be, my dad was pretty pissed. He threatened to ground me, even after I showed him that all of my homework was completed. I got the whole “boys only want one thing” speech. He yelled, ranted, and raved about it. I had never seen him so angry. My mom stepped in to save the day. She smiled at me, a little sadly, and put her hand on his shoulder.

            “Honey, despite the fact that we want to keep her close and treat her like the baby she used to be, we have to let her stretch her wings.” Mother said, biting her lip and looking as if she was about to cry. That puzzled me a little bit, but I chocked it up to mom just being mom, her little girl is growing up. Not surprisingly, my brother was leaning against the wall, arms folded, and glowering at me.

            Father sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. Sucking in a deep breath and letting it back out, he said, “You're right. I know you're right, but this is just too soon. We need more time.” I was now a little confused, okay maybe a lot confused. Why do they need more time? What could possibly happen that would be so bad?

            Mother kissed his cheek and gave me a smile. “I know, but you're growing up into a smart and beautiful young woman.” She looked up him and smiled encouragingly. “This doesn't have to change everything. She's still our little girl, and it's good that she's making friends.” Was it just me, or did she put unnecessary emphasis on “friends?” I shrugged it off.

            Father nodded, “Okay, well.... let’s eat.” We sat down at the table and said grace. Everyone ate in silence. The only sound to come from any of us was a fork scraping across a plate. It was pretty awkward. I wished I knew what to say, but I couldn't tell them that I was sorry and that I would tell the boys that I couldn't hang out with them. That would defeat the purpose of our whole argument. So instead, I ate quietly and stared down at my plate.

            Zif was the first one to excuse himself, stomping up the stairs. We all watched him go. Mixed expressions flitted over my parents' faces. I suddenly felt like I was being left out of something. Something was wrong and they didn't want me to know. Did family always keep secrets like this? I felt like they were all dropping hints that I didn't understand.

            I helped Mother clear the table. I rinsed off all of the dishes and situated them into the dishwasher where everything fit, and nothing was covered so that it would be meticulously cleaned. The soap went into the dispenser and the generic jet cleaner got poured into its little cavity. Then it was done. I turned to find my mother watching me. I c****d my head at her. Without saying anything, she grabbed me up into her arms and held onto me.

            Feeling extremely awkward, I hugged her in return and patted her back. “It's okay momma, I'm still your little girl. There's nothing to worry about. I'm not going to get myself into any trouble. You've taught me pretty well.” I said, attempting to comfort and reassure, but when she burst into hard racking sobs, I felt like I had said something totally wrong. I held her while she cried and tried to figure out exactly what to say, when there really wasn't anything that I could say.

            ***

            That weekend I hid away, in my room, trying to forget about the events of the last week. I attempted to read one of my favorite books, but it just wouldn't hold my attention. I refrained from working on my art project because I didn't want to be so far ahead of everyone else. I then attempted to do research for a history assignment, but that didn't hold my attention either. I was worrying. I worried about my parents, my brother, and the strange way they had all been acting. That Friday my dad took me out to a small used car dealership and had me pick out my own car. He bought it for me right out, no questions asked, no payments needed to be made.

            Any other teenager might be gushing all over f*******:, posting pictures of the car, and selfies of themselves in the car. I, on the other hand, was more suspicious of the gift. Yeah, duh, I loved the car and the fact that I wouldn't have to ride to school with my grumpy brother, but it didn't feel right. It felt more like a buyout of some kind.

            Sighing, I got up from my desk and made my way downstairs. I wasn't surprised to find that it was only noon. The day was dragging horribly. I contented myself with sitting in front of the television, but there wasn't anything on that I wanted to watch. So, I switched to Netflix, but that was a bust also, so I just picked a movie at random and waited for the buffering to end. Suddenly, I was ravenous and craving bloody meat. It occurred that I hadn't taken my vitamin for a couple of days.

            Mom had steaks galore in the deep freezer. She went to the butcher every Monday because we ate a lot of meat. There was no way we could ever be vegetarians. Oh man, I was such an ignoramus. Vegetarians...if only I knew. I pulled out a frozen steak and a skillet. I put the steak in hot water to thaw it. While I waited, I rooted around the fridge for something to snack on and some juice. I emerged from the fridge with loaded arms, and a baggie of apples hanging from my mouth, only to turn and become so startled by my brother's sudden appearance that I dropped the baggie of apples and various other treats, barely holding on to the jug of white cranberry strawberry juice.

            Zif smirked and bent down to help me retrieve the items I'd dropped. Together we got them all picked up and placed neatly on the kitchen island. “This is quite the buffet, and a steak thawing to boot. What are you up to?” he asked.

            I bit back the retort I wanted so badly to make and instead went with, “Well, I was hungry and so I decided I would make a one-person picnic, camp out on the living room floor and watch corny movies all day. You interrupted my flow.”

            Zif laughed. “Your flow, huh? Do you want some company?” He asked in such an odd and un-Ziff like way that I didn't feel like I could refuse without causing some major damage to us both.

            Shrugging, I said as nonchalantly as I could under the circumstances, “Sure, I'll get another steak out of the freezer.”

            The rest of the afternoon went pretty well. My brother helped me cook the steaks, or rather warm them up, and we laughed over stupid movies and played “guess the plot” just to entertain ourselves. It was one of the best days I'd ever had, especially with my brother. During one of the corniest movies, I'd ever watched in my life (and I'd seen plenty of them), I took a good look at my brother. He was handsome, in a strictly observational way. His dark brown hair had natural auburn highlights and, although somewhat long, fell about his face in an appealing way. His eyes were dark blue, and his skin was a nice golden tan. If he weren’t my brother, I probably would have crushed on him pretty hard. Too bad his personality didn't really fit his looks. Zif could be one of the biggest jerks in the whole world. Not an exaggeration. He bullied other kids and couldn't pass by a mirror without staring at himself for a few minutes just to make sure nothing was out of place.

            Halfway through the second scene Zif turned to find me staring at him. His half smile disappeared and a seriousness I'd never seen in him took over. “What's the matter?” He tried to ask nonchalantly. “Why are you staring at me?” If situations had been reversed, I would have averted my eyes, but not Zif. He never did anything like that. He was noticeably confident, straight forward, and matter of fact. Maybe that was why he seemed like such a big jerk.

            I shook my head. “I was just wondering what it would be like if we had been like actual twins. Like all of the other twins we've ever met. They knew the other one as much if not more than they knew themselves. I've always wished for it. I even tried to get close sometimes, but I've always felt like you didn't want me around. Maybe not all twins are born to be best friends.” I fidgeted under his serious stare. There was something there. If I fished for it, I was sure that I could have found out what he was hiding or holding back. But I didn't. I was afraid.

            “I've always envied that same connection. I just...it's hard to explain, Gryffyn. If I could go back in time, I would have allowed you to be closer to me, to know me as well as I know myself, to be my best friend. I wish I could, but I can't. All I can do now is attempt to make up for the past and be the big brother I should always have been.” Zif sighed and shook his head. He wanted to tell me, I could tell, but I let it go. Instead, I directed his attention back to the movie, trying to let bygones be bygones.

            Our parents got home late. They always went out on Sundays to spend time with each other, without the distraction of children. It was good for them. They always came home smiling and laughing. When Zif and I were little and our aunt would watch us on Sundays, I would sneak out of my room and hide in a dark corner to await their return, to watch as they burst through the front door, smiles on their faces, laughter springing forth from them, and their eyes completely focused on the other. The love they shared was something very few could ever hope to find.

            Tonight, however, they weren't smiling or laughing. Instead, they both looked extremely tired and frustrated. Neither had dressed up for their night out and they looked as if they had had to sit through a long, trying meeting. The only love I saw tonight was their hands. They were holding hands. Their fingers were intwined so tightly that it looked like it hurt, but they didn't let go of each other, even when they noticed that Zif and I were on the living room floor, our makeshift picnic laid out in front of us, and The Princess Bride was playing on the television.

            I half expected them to smile and join us. I was disappointed. “You both have school in the morning.” My mother said, staring hard at us as if we'd done something wrong. Zif nodded, turned off the television and began packing up our picnic.

            “But mom,” I started, not budging from my spot.

            “No, 'but mom,' I said you have school in the morning. Clean up after yourself and go to bed.” She ordered, interrupting me, her voice tight. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Confused and frustrated, I sat there, staring up at my beautiful mother. Her hair was auburn, like mine, but her eyes were green instead of blue. “Now!” She yelled, startling me from my stupor. Without looking back at them, I began grabbing everything my arms could hold and ran to the kitchen. Zif was there washing off the dishes we'd used and placing them in the drain. He didn't even look at me. I sat all the stuff I had down on the island and stomped upstairs.

            I wanted to know what was wrong with them all. They would barely talk to me these days. Instead, they were all grumpy and edgy. I felt like they were all going to snap under the unseen pressure, and I could bet that I was going to be the one who caught the blowback. It took me hours to fall asleep and once I did, worried and stressed dreams kept me tossing and turning for the rest of the night.